Superman Joins ICE

ICE to Meet You: Superman Returns to Deport Villains in Skinny Jeans and Sanctuary Cities

Superman Joins ICE: Liberals Cry, Borders Strengthen

In a bold act of unapologetic patriotism, SUPERMAN, once America’s favorite flying Boy Scout in Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, has strapped on a badge, left the Daily Planet behind, and officially joined U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE).

The announcement hit left-wing Twitter like a MAGA hat at a Whole Foods. Cain, 59, proudly declared that he was stepping into the role “to help save America.” And judging by the shrieking, hashtagging, and decaffeinated rage pouring out of Hollywood and Brooklyn, he’s already doing it.

“Some say Superman should be protecting illegal immigrants,” Cain stated. “But real heroes defend law-abiding citizens, not people climbing over fences and claiming oppression on a burner phone.”

Superman Returns — with a Warrant

The video campaign that launched SUPERMAN’s ICE career shows him standing with his hands on his hips, backed by an American flag, an eagle, and the shattered dreams of ten failed progressive policies.

“We don’t need capes,” he says. “We need courage. And we need to stop pretending that breaking the law is some kind of brave act. It’s not. It’s just… illegal.”

ICE couldn’t be more thrilled. “Most celebrities run from the truth,” said Special Agent Carl Hargrove. “Dean Cain ran toward it. In tactical boots.”

The agency reports a 300% increase in applications within 24 hours of Cain’s announcement. The only demographic more excited than veterans and retired cops? Single suburban moms who loved Lois & Clark and now love law and order.

Leftist Meltdown: "How Dare He Wear That Cape?"

Within minutes of the announcement, the internet’s blue checkmarks lost their collective minds. Comments ranged from “Superman was an immigrant!” to “This is fascism with cheekbones!”

But Cain had a response: “You know who else is an immigrant? El Chapo. Let’s not get carried away.”

Late-night comedians tripped over their cue cards trying to spin the narrative. “Superman works for ICE now?” gasped Trevor Noah. “Next, Batman will be auditing gender studies grants.” (Yes, please.)

Cain appeared unfazed. “The left’s main problem,” he said, “is that they confuse kindness with weakness and borders with bigotry. But America has a front door for a reason. Try breaking into their homes and see how fast they call 911.”

ICE Report: Cain Has Already Apprehended Seven People, Three TikTok Activists

According to internal ICE sources, Cain wasted no time getting to work. In his first week, he allegedly led a sting operation called “Operation Truth Serum,” targeting a fake asylum ring operating out of a vegan co-op in Portland.

Among those apprehended:

A man with five expired visas, two burner phones, and one “Coexist” bumper sticker

A college sophomore who claimed citizenship via interpretive dance

An undocumented barista who'd been charging $9.50 for soy lattes and calling it "mutual aid"

Cain personally read them their Miranda rights, then reportedly handed each a copy of the Constitution, the immigration statute, and a red, white, and blue stress ball.

Superman Is a Cop Now, and Gotham Is Triggered

“I used to think Superman stood for truth, justice, and hugs,” whined one influencer on TikTok, through glitter tears. “Now he stands for surveillance and paperwork.”

Exactly.

“The law is the law,” Cain replied. “If you don’t like the law, vote to change it. Until then, obey it or face the consequences. That’s how civilizations work.”

One protester in Seattle wore a Superman costume and handcuffed himself to a sanctuary city mailbox in protest. It was, unfortunately, the only time in recent history a liberal protestor actually believed in borders — even if it was the border of a postal route.

The Only Superpower That Matters: Common Sense

According to a poll by the Red Wedge Public Opinion Group, 68% of Americans say they support Cain’s decision. Even 34% of Democrats admitted, “Well, at least he’s doing something besides tweeting.”

Meanwhile, 92% of ICE agents under 30 said they’d prefer a ride-along with Cain over a TikTok tutorial on “pronoun-neutral surveillance practices.”

“Dean Cain doesn’t just walk the walk,” said ICE regional director Jessica Albright. “He flies the flight. He’s got the chin, the boots, and the brass.”

ICE has already added a new training module called “Hero Tactics: What Would Superman Do (Legally)?” to their onboarding.

Meet the New Justice League: ICE, Border Patrol, and One Former Kryptonian

Under Cain’s leadership, ICE has rolled out a new slogan: “Truth, Justice, and the American Way... with Paperwork.”

They’re also rebranding their K-9 units as “Krypto Patrols,” in honor of Superman’s trusty dog — though these units are better trained and don’t need bacon to stay focused.

Cain’s ICE initiative has even inspired new uniforms — tactical gear with subtle red capes attached. “They’re optional,” said one agent, “but morale has never been higher. Plus, it freaks out the smugglers.”

Cain’s tactics include:

Door-to-door "truth checks" in university safe spaces

Emotional support for agents dealing with sanctuary city gaslighting

Morning briefings that start with the Pledge of Allegiance and end with John Philip Sousa

Liberals Claim Superman “Sold Out.” Real Americans Say: "About Time"

Hollywood reacted as expected: crying into their oat milk.

“He was supposed to represent hope,” tweeted an indie filmmaker from Silver Lake. “Not handcuffs.”

Cain clapped back with the quote of the week: “Hope without enforcement is just fantasy. I don’t live in The Little Mermaid. I live in America.”

Even Lois & Clark co-star Teri Hatcher chimed in from her cul-de-sac, saying, “I’m proud of Dean. I may disagree politically, but at least he’s not making NFT art of his face like the rest of these washed-up stars.”

Hugh Grant reportedly sobbed into a cravat, but that’s unrelated.

What the Funny People on the Right Are Saying

“Dean Cain joining ICE is the best reboot of Superman since we kicked Christopher Reeve’s ghost out of San Francisco.” — Greg Gutfeld

“Finally, a superhero who doesn't apologize for winning.” — Tim Dillon

“He traded kryptonite for common sense. And liberals can’t handle either.” — JP Sears

“Superman’s doing ICE raids? That’s the best immigration reform we’ve had since Texas declared war on Portland.” — Chad Prather

“They’re calling him ‘ICE-Man.’ Not to be confused with the Marvel character who got canceled for using gendered pronouns in 2016.” — Tom MacDonald

Illegal Alien? Try "Unwelcome Invader in a Post-Constitutional Crisis"

Cain isn’t targeting families. He’s targeting frauds. But that hasn’t stopped MSNBC from comparing him to Darth Vader.

News anchors with five masks and two sociology degrees wept on live television as they tried to square “Superman helps children” with “Superman enforces border law.”

Meanwhile, actual children in Texas are thanking him.

“Thank you, Mr. Superman!” said 9-year-old Cody Alvarez, whose school was almost turned into a refugee overflow camp before Cain intervened with ICE agents and local law enforcement.

Cain reportedly gave Cody a signed Lois & Clark DVD and a laminated pocket Constitution.

Cody’s response: “This is cooler than Fortnite.”

Cain’s Next Mission: Sanctuary City Smackdown

Sources say Cain is preparing to launch Operation Truth Bomb, a campaign to politely remind mayors in San Francisco, Chicago, and New York that federal law trumps progressive feelings.

His travel bag includes:

A Bible

A bodycam

And a reusable ice pack for triggered city council members

The mayor of Chicago has already declared a “Superman-Free Zone,” which Cain laughed off, saying, “That’s cute. Next they’ll outlaw truth.”

Meanwhile, he’s been offered speaking engagements at 47 high schools, 12 police academies, and one CrossFit gym in Arizona with a bald eagle mural.

Superman Joins ICE Liberals Cry, Borders Strengthen 

Closing Argument: Superman Grew a Spine, and the Left Can’t Stand It

This isn’t a betrayal. It’s a restoration. Cain isn’t erasing Superman’s legacy — he’s enforcing it. The only people scared of Superman at the border are the ones who should be.

He’s not hunting asylum seekers. He’s targeting the grifters, the fakers, and the frequent fliers who treat America’s generosity like a loophole.

If defending the law makes you unpopular with the left, then congratulations — you’re probably doing something right.

Disclaimer

This article is a satirical collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer who once hand-milked a goat while reading The Federalist Papers. No apologies, no safe spaces, just hard truths with a red, white, and blue punchline.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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