Orwellian Rewrite

Smithsonian Tries Orwellian Rewrite, Trump Responds with Giant Eraser and Even Bigger Microphone

“History belongs to the loudest,” declares Trump, as museum curators weep into vintage wigs.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — August 4, 2025 —The Smithsonian Institution has reportedly entered its “Orwellian Soft Reboot” phase, attempting to reframe American history with phrases like “unalive outcomes,” “patriotically adjacent events,” and “accidentally colonial incidents.” But just as curators prepared to launch their flagship interactive exhibit, “Memory Hole: Sponsored by Pfizer,” former President Donald Trump marched in with a novelty eraser the size of a Boeing 747 and declared, “We’re making history correct again.”

He then renamed the museum the “Trumpsonian: Where History is Beautiful and Mostly About Me.”

Rewriting History: The Smithsonian’s “Very Orwellian” Makeover

The controversy began when museum insiders leaked a classified exhibit outline entitled “Facts are Feelings in a Democracy.” A few disturbing highlights include:

George Washington is rebranded as “A Land Privilege Technician.”

The Boston Tea Party is now “a misunderstood recycling incident.”

Paul Revere’s famous ride has been replaced with a TikTok drone campaign.

An early draft of the Declaration of Independence was reportedly “modified for modern sensitivities.” Jefferson’s line “All men are created equal” now reads, “All carbon-based units are comparably valid, but outcomes may vary due to systemic astrology.”

“We wanted a more inclusive narrative,” explained Smithsonian Diversity Officer Breighlee Pronuncia (they/them), who holds a PhD in Intergenerational Feeling-Curation. “We believe the Founding Fathers were too cis-temporal. They existed in a single timeline. That’s aggressive.”

Trump’s Counter-Strike: “We Will Not Be Gaslighted by Nerds”

Within 24 hours of CNN’s report on the Orwellian drift, Trump livestreamed a 9-hour rebuttal from a gold-trimmed lawn chair on the National Mall. Flanked by Civil War reenactors and a man dressed as a sentient Liberty Bell, Trump held aloft the Constitution—printed on the back of a NASCAR banner—and boomed:

“I will not allow pencil-necked museum people to turn Lincoln into a furry with anxiety. Abraham Lincoln had a beard, not a mood disorder.”

The crowd, estimated at somewhere between 2,000 and 78 million (depending on your news source), chanted “FACTS DON’T HAVE PRONOUNS!” while vendors sold commemorative erasers shaped like Woodrow Wilson’s mustache.

Witnesses report Trump then stormed the museum’s American History wing, erased “Watergate” from the Nixon exhibit and replaced it with “Early Cancel Culture Trial.” He then added a life-size wax statue of himself labeled: “Greatest Historian Who Never Lied. Not Even Once.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Trump erased Watergate? So he’s basically a human Control-Z.” — Sarah Silverman

“Smithsonian tried to rewrite history, and Trump rewrote it louder. That’s how you win in America.” — Ron White

“The Smithsonian’s new motto is: ‘Yesterday’s Oppression, Today’s Opportunity!’” — Jerry Seinfeld

“This is why aliens don’t land. We can’t even agree on what year it is without checking Twitter.” — Wanda Sykes

“You don’t preserve history by censoring it or by adding Trump animatronics to the Rosa Parks bus. There’s a middle ground, and it’s in a Cracker Barrel gift shop.” — John Oliver

Experts Respond With Concerned Emoji Reactions

Dr. Cordelia Swampleaf, senior archivist of the Post-Truth Studies Department at NYU (formerly known as History), called Trump’s intervention “a theatrical coup against nuanced memory,” while simultaneously tweeting a thread titled “The Emancipation Proclamation Was Problematic, Here’s Why.”

Meanwhile, a Pew Research poll revealed the nation is “deeply divided” on whether history should be:

Preserved as-is: 14%

Rewritten for empathy: 32%

Adapted into a Netflix miniseries starring The Rock: 51%

Forgotten entirely in favor of vibes: 3%

Trump’s new initiative, “Operation Re-Colonize the Textbooks,” is already influencing school districts in Texas, Florida, and parts of Elon Musk’s Mars charter program. In one curriculum prototype, the Civil Rights Movement is described as “a bold branding campaign” and Trump is listed as “adjacent to Lincoln.”

From Exhibits to Exits: Fallout Inside the Museum

Several Smithsonian curators have resigned, citing “gaslight migraines.” One anonymous staffer said:

“We just wanted to decolonize the gift shop, not be forcibly re-Reaganized.”

They were last seen applying for jobs at the Museum of Feelings in San Francisco, where all artifacts are made of ethically-sourced mist.

Others have embraced the change. The Museum of Natural History renamed its dinosaur exhibit “Jurassic Great Again” and now includes a 24-foot animatronic Trumpasaurus Rex that roars every time someone says the phrase “systemic oppression.”

Smithsonian’s Official Response

In a press statement written in Comic Sans and smudged with what appeared to be kombucha, the Institution wrote:

“The Smithsonian remains committed to evolving its portrayal of history, even when it evolves into something more digestible for social media threads and deeply uncomfortable family Thanksgivings. We respect Mr. Trump’s enthusiastic involvement, though we remind him that presidential wax figures must be approved by our Forensic Ethics Committee.”

The statement then closed with the phrase: “History is a construct. Memory is performance. Tickets are $28.95.”

Trump Announces New Project: The Alternative History Pavilion

Inspired by the Smithsonian's attempt to update its exhibits, Trump announced the construction of a competing museum: “The American Heritage Never Happened Museum,” built entirely out of discontinued Trump University diplomas and a single functioning time-share in Branson.

Scheduled exhibits include:

“Colonial America, But Everyone’s Rich and Has a Golf Cart”

“The Great Wall of Florida: An Architectural Guess”

“The Vietnam War: A Group Project China Probably Started”

The ribbon-cutting ceremony will feature Kid Rock, an albino bald eagle, and a hologram of George Washington dabbing.

BREAKING NEWS:

Trump Declares History “Too Woke,” Declares Himself a Renaissance Man
Smithsonian Adds Trigger Warnings to Dinosaur Bones
George Washington Statue Replaced with Emotional Support Cactus
Ben Franklin Rebranded as Early Influencer With Gout
Trump Adds Fifth Face to Mount Rushmore — It’s Just a Mirror
New AI Exhibit At Smithsonian Refuses to Acknowledge Ronald Reagan
Smithsonian's Lincoln Now Identifies as “Emotionally Tall”

Final Word

The real question isn’t whether the Smithsonian has gone Orwellian, or if Trump is now the country’s loudest museum docent. The real question is:

Will history survive this makeover, or will it be available exclusively on TrumpFlix?

Auf Wiedersehen.

What the Funny People Are Saying!

“Trump showed up to the Smithsonian with a giant eraser like he’s Dora the Explorer’s worst nightmare: ‘Swiper, no swiping—except American history!’” — Sarah Silverman

“The Smithsonian tried to rewrite the Boston Tea Party as a recycling event. Meanwhile, Trump rewrote it as ‘the first-ever Trump-branded hydration rebellion.’” — Ron White

“They replaced ‘All men are created equal’ with ‘All units are valid unless Elon Musk suspends them.’ The Constitution now comes with a QR code and a trigger warning.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Trump said Lincoln didn’t have a mood disorder. Of course not! He freed the slaves and still had time for the best beard in American politics.” — Wanda Sykes

“Smithsonian tried to update Paul Revere’s ride with a drone. Trump replaced it with a guy in a MAGA hat on a Rascal scooter screaming ‘The libs are coming!’” — Bill Burr

“I saw a new exhibit called ‘The Civil Rights Movement: Sponsored by Skims.’ Because nothing says justice like shapewear and soft-focus lighting.” — Trevor Noah

“Trump’s new museum has a wax figure of himself labeled ‘Historian in Chief.’ Pretty sure that wax melted from sheer ego radiation.” — Ali Wong

“Trump erased Watergate and called it ‘Early Cancel Culture.’ By that logic, the Titanic was just ‘an unverified water landing.’” — Chris Rock

“Smithsonian’s dinosaur bones now come with a plaque that says, ‘Warning: These fossils may reflect outdated predator-prey dynamics.’” — Tig Notaro

“They replaced ‘Founding Fathers’ with ‘Geographically Lucky Masculine Energies.’ That’s not history. That’s a yoga class in Portland.” — Amy Schumer

“Trump wants to launch his own museum? Fine. Just make sure every bathroom has a mirror labeled ‘Most Photographed American Artifact.’” — Kevin Hart

“If history is written by the victors, then America’s version is now co-authored by a reality show host and a TikTok intern named Jaxxon.” — Dave Chappelle

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