MAGA Farmers Believe They Are Getting Their Black Slaves Back!

MAGA Farmers Believe Trump’s Second Term Includes ‘Reinstatement’ of Black ‘Field Hands’

Planting Seeds of Hate, Expecting a BIG Harvest...
By Chip Bloviate, Senior Correspondent for Alternative Realities
Reprinted from The New York Nebbish
The Paper That Asks The Questions Nobody Else Is Dumb Enough To Entertain
A Barn Full of Diesel Fumes and Delusion

CLUMSY FALLS, IOWA – The air in Darryl Blunt’s barn is thick with hay, diesel, and the unmistakable scent of historical amnesia. Blunt, a third-generation soybean farmer and first-generation online political theorist, leans against his John Deere with the satisfied smirk of a man who thinks YouTube comments are primary sources.

“He said it, plain as day. ‘We’re gonna take our country back.’ Who’s ‘we’? And what’re we takin’ it back from?” Blunt insists, eyes gleaming. “It’s code. MAGA. When was it great? Do the math.”

His “math” involves no numbers — only half-remembered memes, a seventh-grade textbook diagram of a plantation, and a fervent belief that history is a buffet line where you can skip Reconstruction.

Euphemisms in Overalls

In southern Georgia, Clem Johnson whispers over a plate of grits like he’s leaking Pentagon secrets. “They call it ‘incentivized labor relocation,’” he says, voice hushed though the only other diner is asleep at the counter. “They’re gonna bus folks in from the cities. Win-win. They get outta crime-ridden hellholes, we get help on the farm.”

Humorous observation: Apparently “bussing” only becomes acceptable when it’s headed toward a soybean field.

Comedian riff: “These guys want workers shipped in like Amazon packages. Only difference is, Amazon at least pretends you have a choice of shipping speed.” — Ricky Gervais

The Confederate LinkedIn

Beauregard “Bo” Duke Hollingsworth IV, speaking from a crumbling estate still decorated with family portraits of men who lost every war they fought, explains it as “a return to a sensible agricultural model.”

“Indentured apprenticeship,” he clarifies. “With room and board. Very humane.”

Humorous observation: Translation — slavery, but with Wi-Fi and Netflix in the bunkhouse.

Comedian riff: “My grandfather farmed with mules. You know why? Because tractors hadn’t been invented yet. These guys want to skip tractors and human rights.” — Kevin Hart

Nostalgia as Fertilizer

Dr. Althea Vance of Howard University listens to a summary of these theories with the sigh of a woman who’s had to explain oxygen to flat-earthers. “This isn’t nostalgia,” she says. “It’s cosplay with whips.”

Observation: MAGA farmers miss the “clarity” of knowing who was beneath them. Modern life, with its TikTok dances and hybrid seeds, is too complex. Easier to fantasize about a time when hierarchy came pre-installed.

Comedian riff: “Yeah, they want the good old days back. You know, before antibiotics, air conditioning, and showers more than once a week.” — Ron White

Patriot Apprentices

Back in Iowa, Blunt is already drawing up blueprints. His disused pig barn? He’s considering a remodel. “Gotta be comfortable. Flatscreen TV. Keep ’em happy. Productivity, you know?”

Observation: Apparently slavery 2.0 comes with Roku.

He beams with pride: “We don’t call ’em slaves. That’s a woke term. We’re thinking ‘Patriot Apprentices.’ Has a nice ring to it.”

Comedian riff: “Patriot Apprentices? That sounds less like farming and more like a failed spin-off of The Apprentice where the losing contestant gets plowed under.” — Trevor Noah

Farmers’ Logic, Straight From the Field

They believe subsidies are socialism when food stamps go to poor families — but patriotism when checks arrive in their mailbox with an eagle logo.

They believe tariffs are “coupons from God.”

They believe corn is conservative because the stalk “leans right in the wind.”

They believe yelling at the soil counts as a fertility plan.

Comedian riff: “I asked one about erosion and he said, ‘Don’t worry, the dirt will come back when it misses me.’” — Larry David

Archival Footage, Imaginary Polls

Grainy cellphone video shows a MAGA farmer blessing his combine with holy water and country music. It caught fire within seconds.

A Bohiney-commissioned poll of 1,000 rural conspiracy theorists found:

68% believe Trump will “make farming biblical again.”

42% think John Deere is hiding a time machine.

19% admit they just want “somebody to yell at besides their wife.”

Comedian riff: “Imagine thinking the weather is rigged, like Biden controls the rain with a joystick. If he did, my yard would look a hell of a lot better.” — Dave Chappelle

The Punchline

Blunt and his ilk are waiting for a fantasy workforce that will never arrive, in barns that leak, on land that erodes, praying to a history that never loved them back. They call it “restoration.” It looks more like regression with Mountain Dew irrigation.

As Sarah Silverman put it: “These guys think tractors should run on coal again. Next thing you know, they’ll be putting top hats on the pigs.”

And in Clumsy Falls, Iowa, Darryl Blunt nods at the horizon. “Everybody wins,” he says, smiling at a future only he can see.

Except, of course, everybody doesn’t.

MAGA Farmers Believe They Are Getting Their Black Slaves Back!

What  the Black Leaders Are Saying...

Comrade Denise Jackson, Midwest Socialist Alliance:
“Trump doesn’t want to ‘make America great again.’ He wants to make plantations profitable again.”

Brother Malcolm X.2, Detroit Liberation Collective:
“They’re calling it ‘Patriot Apprenticeships.’ We call it what it is: slavery with a marketing department.”

Tamika Hall, Revolutionary Agrarian Front:
“If Trump’s farmers think they’re getting free labor back, they’re welcome to come pick their own soybeans in a three-piece suit. We’ll see how long that lasts.”

Jahlil Carter, Southern Workers’ Resistance League:
“Slavery wasn’t a jobs program. It was terrorism with a hoe and a whip. MAGA nostalgia is just terrorism with a John Deere sticker.”

Sister Nia Robinson, Black Future Now:
“They say they’ll give ‘room and board.’ Great. I’ll give you ‘room and board’ too — a room in prison and a board for your mugshot.”

Professor Zora Mitchell, People’s History Network:
“MAGA farmers talk about the past like it was simpler. Sure, it was simpler — simpler for white folks who didn’t have to pick their own cotton.”

Kwame Phillips, Georgia Freedom Bloc:
“If Trump actually ran on slavery, Fox News would call it ‘an innovative workforce solution,’ and Tucker would interview a scarecrow about it.”

Angela Brown, Socialist Women Rising:
“Trump’s ‘ultimate deal’? There’s no deal in slavery. It’s just theft in bulk.”

Comrade Malik Greene, Workers Against Fascism:
“MAGA farmers believe history is a buffet. They want to skip civil rights and go straight to free labor. Sorry, the buffet’s closed.”

Rev. Simone Carter, Liberation Theology Project:
“The Bible says let my people go. Trump says let my people mow. Guess which one we’re following.”

MAGA Farmers

MAGA Farming Observations

MAGA farmers think “restoration” means converting their pig barns into Airbnb plantations with Roku TVs.

They don’t call it slavery anymore — they call it “Patriot Apprenticeships,” which sounds like a canceled Apprentice spin-off where the prize is a bale of hay.

They think Trump’s “deals” include a Groupon for human beings.

MAGA farmers think slavery is coming back the same way Gen Z thinks low-rise jeans are — as if it’s just another bad fashion trend.
They rebrand it “Patriot Apprenticeships,” proving you can slap a flag on anything and sell it to Fox News.
Trump says he makes “the best deals,” but this one looks more like a Groupon for human beings.
These farmers think history is a buffet: skip Reconstruction, pass on Civil Rights, load up on 1850.
They talk about slavery as if it was a jobs program — like it came with dental and a 401(k).
They brag about “room and board,” forgetting that a pig barn with Wi-Fi still smells like a pig barn.
They don’t see slavery as violence — they see it as “streamlining the H-2A visa program.”
MAGA farmers treat nostalgia like fertilizer: spread it thick enough and you don’t notice the stink.
They call it humane because they might let people watch Yellowstone while hoeing soybeans.
They say “everybody wins.” History says “everybody dies of dysentery.”
They frame it as “returning to tradition,” as if slavery was an old family recipe.
They’re convinced “indentured apprenticeship” sounds better — like calling arsenic a diet supplement.
Trumpists imagine slavery 2.0 will come with air conditioning, flat screens, and Mountain Dew irrigation.
They don’t call it exploitation; they call it “biblical labor models.”
MAGA farmers are less worried about feeding America than about keeping their scarecrows properly armed for the woke uprising.

MAGA Farmers Believe They Are Getting Their Black Slaves Back!

Comedian Lines on MAGA Farming

“They don’t want slavery back, they want Wi-Fi slavery — so long as the workers can still stream Fox News while they pick soybeans.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Patriot Apprenticeships? That sounds less like farming and more like a rejected Apprentice spin-off where the losing contestant gets plowed under.” — Trevor Noah

“MAGA farmers say they’re bringing slavery back. Buddy, you can’t even bring back Blockbuster.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“They call it ‘Patriot Apprenticeships.’ Yeah, because nothing says freedom like unpaid overtime with a Confederate flag screensaver.” — Sarah Silverman

“Trump brags about the ‘ultimate deal.’ Right — slavery’s the only business model where even Groupon says, ‘Nah, too exploitative.’” — Ron White

“These guys think slavery comes with Wi-Fi now. ‘Don’t worry, we’ve modernized oppression — it streams in 4K!’” — Trevor Noah

“They want to skip civil rights like it’s a Netflix intro. ‘Do you want to watch the Reconstruction, or skip to the good part?’” — Ricky Gervais

“They’re putting flat screens in the barns. Nothing says humane like hoeing cotton while watching Yellowstone reruns.” — Amy Schumer

“Indentured apprenticeships? That’s like calling arsenic a vitamin. Same poison, fancier label.” — Chris Rock

“They talk about ‘room and board.’ Yeah — a room that smells like pigs, and a board for beatings.” — Bill Burr

“Imagine thinking the past was so great. These guys want to bring back cholera too, just for the vibes.” — Kevin Hart

“MAGA farmers say it’s tradition. So was dying at 42 from tetanus. You wanna bring that back too?” — Larry David

“Trump’s base wants slavery back, but these are the same folks who complain about tipping 15%. Good luck managing payroll.” — Dave Chappelle

“They say it’s about ‘biblical values.’ Yeah, Leviticus says love thy neighbor, not lease thy neighbor.” — Tig Notaro

MAGA Farmers

READ MORE

Legacy Media Headlines
- CNN: “Trump’s Rural Base Misinterprets ‘Make America Great Again’ As 1850 Reenactment Plan”
- MSNBC: “Experts Warn MAGA Farmers’ ‘Patriot Apprenticeship’ Rhetoric Is Just Slavery With a Flag Sticker”
- The New York Times: “In Iowa, Nostalgia for the Plantation Era Masquerades as Economic Anxiety”
- NPR: “From Overalls to Overseers: How Rural Fantasies About ‘Restoration’ Threaten Democracy”
- The Washington Post: “Analysis: Trump’s Cult Isn’t Just Anti-Woke — It’s Anti-Emancipation”
- Politico: “Project 2025 or Project 1850? Inside the MAGA Fantasy of ‘Reinstated Labor Models’”
- The Guardian: “Trump’s Base Toys With ‘Patriot Apprenticeship’ Scheme: Slavery by Another Name”
- MSNBC (Op-Ed): “Let’s Stop Pretending This Is About Jobs: MAGA Farmers Want Masters, Not Markets”
- CNN (Town Hall Coverage): “Trump Dodges Question on ‘Patriot Apprenticeships,’ Says He Knows ‘The Best People for Cotton’”
- NPR (Morning Edition): “Soybeans, Subsidies, and Slavery Nostalgia: A Rural Symphony of Delusion” https://bohiney.com/maga-farmers-believe-they-are-getting-their-black-slaves-back/