Trump Ends Middle East War Early

Trump Ends Middle East War Early to Launch Full-Scale Invasion of Los Angeles

White House Confirms “Operation Sunset Strip” Was Always the Real Objective

In a stunning reversal of international priorities, former President Donald J. Trump abruptly declared an end to the Middle East conflict Tuesday, citing a "higher calling"—a full-blown ground invasion of Los Angeles. The peace accord, brokered between Iran, Israel, and the artificial intelligence running Yemen’s rebel coalition, took precisely nine minutes to finalize. Why so fast?

"I got bored," Trump told reporters from a gold-plated golf cart. "Frankly, war is only fun when it's domestic and involves celebrities crying."

The Pentagon, caught entirely off-guard, hastily repurposed its Middle East drone fleet for surveillance over Santa Monica. “It’s like Gaza, except the air smells like oat milk and there’s a SoulCycle on every block,” said one general who asked to remain anonymous to protect his yoga studio membership.

Operation Sunset Strip Begins at Dawn, Ends When Netflix Approves the Docuseries

Trump Ends Middle East War Early

Code-named Operation Sunset Strip, the military campaign is the first in U.S. history launched explicitly against a city because it was “too smug.” Trump’s press secretary, who recently transitioned from being a Fox News TikTok astrologer, clarified the motives in a confusing thread on X:

“LA committed the greatest sin: not voting for him, then mocking his tan, then protesting ICE, then inventing oat-based cheese. This aggression will not stand.”

Within hours, Trump’s MAGA Legion—which includes three tanks, eight off-duty mall cops, two retired WWE wrestlers, and a golf cart brigade from Mar-a-Lago—was parachuting into Griffith Park with flamethrowers and leaf blowers.

Hilarious Battlefield Misunderstandings

Several units mistook the set of NCIS: Los Angeles for an enemy encampment. “We neutralized LL Cool J,” said a MAGA squad leader. “Turns out it was just a wax figure. Still, mission accomplished.”

Meanwhile, Melania—dressed in camo heels and a limited-edition Ivanka Trump tactical robe—accidentally took over a Lululemon, believing it was the insurgent headquarters. She declared victory and claimed a $279 yoga mat as war bounty.

Trump’s private militia suffered its first loss when Steve Bannon tried to scale Runyon Canyon, only to be subdued by a feral group of unemployed actors offering unsolicited screenplays and protein powder samples.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Only Trump would end a real war to start a fake one against avocados.” — Stephen Colbert

“You know how LA has fake palm trees? Well now it has fake war crimes.” — Trevor Noah

“Trump’s invasion plan is basically ‘Die Hard,’ except Bruce Willis is replaced by Kid Rock.” — Sarah Silverman

“He called it Operation Sunset Strip because ‘Operation Botox Bayonet’ tested poorly with boomers.” — Ron White

“The Pentagon is calling this the first war sponsored by a podcast.” — John Oliver

California Responds… with Crystals

Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of “aesthetic resistance,” authorizing Los Angeles citizens to “defend their turf using whatever vegan-based deterrents they can muster.” Armed with yoga mats, kombucha cocktails, and crystals charged under moonlight, thousands formed human shields in front of Erewhon locations.

One eyewitness recounted: “A MAGA guy tried to burn down a juice bar, but he slipped on chia seeds. That’s karma, baby.”

ICE Protest Was the Last Straw (and the Only One Allowed in LA)

The final spark came when Trump saw images of Angelenos protesting ICE, chanting, “No more cages, only stages!” Trump was reportedly enraged that his favorite acronym was being shamed on a mural next to a dispensary. He took it personally.

“He thought ICE was about frozen water and didn’t understand why LA was so mad,” said an aide. “Then he realized it had to do with immigration, and immediately said, ‘We should build a wall... around Silver Lake.’”

Hollywood’s Reaction Is As Predictable As a Reboot

Celebrities took to Instagram to condemn the war while posting black-and-white selfies and unrelated ads for collagen gummies.

Leonardo DiCaprio released a PSA comparing the LA invasion to climate change, using archival Titanic footage.

Lizzo performed a protest song titled “Flute Don’t Shoot” at Dodger Stadium.

Kim Kardashian posted a bikini pic with the caption: “Pray for LA. Also, new lip gloss drop 7/10.”

Netflix has already greenlit three miniseries and one docudrama titled The Siege of Sprinkles Cupcake ATM: America’s Forgotten War.

MAGA Military Blunders and Burbank Bunkers

Despite early success at disrupting Uber rides and hijacking Hollywood tour buses, Trump’s forces struggled to hold ground.

“They took over a Pinkberry, then got distracted by the toppings bar,” said Gen. Eric Milks, leader of the Echo Park militia. “Then they thought the La Brea Tar Pits were tactical quicksand and retreated.”

Burbank, long thought to be neutral territory due to its concentration of dentists and Disney employees, was declared a demilitarized zone. Residents fortified their homes using old prop walls from Full House and wigs from The View’s Halloween episodes.

Realignment of Alliances: Florida Sides with Malibu, Texas Just Laughs

Unexpectedly, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis condemned the LA invasion. “Look, I like punishing cities,” he said, “but we don’t need another civil war unless Disney’s involved.”

Texas offered support—but only in memes and brisket care packages. One meme showed Matthew McConaughey flying a drone shaped like a freedom eagle. Another showed Ted Cruz trying to surf.

Meanwhile, Utah issued a formal statement: “Please don’t drag us into this. We have enough problems explaining why everything closes at 8 p.m.”

Trump Announces LA Will Be Divided Into “Zones of Patriotism”

Trump unveiled a map, hand-drawn on a Chick-fil-A napkin, outlining his vision for a post-invasion Los Angeles:

Patriotville (formerly Beverly Hills) – Gated, obviously. Residents must wear Trump cologne.

Foxadelphia (formerly West Hollywood) – Rainbow flags replaced with “Straight Outta Freedom” yard signs.

Covfefe Canyon (formerly Laurel Canyon) – Must pass a test on The Art of the Deal to enter.

Fort Ivanka (formerly Venice Beach) – Yoga outlawed. Surfing only allowed if performed while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

Academic Experts Weigh In With Theories and Apologies

According to Dr. Janet Hologram, professor of Satirical Geopolitics at UC Santa Cruz, “This war marks a new low in international relations, but a new high in surrealism.”

A RAND Corporation report estimated the invasion would cost $29 billion, destroy 12 Erewhon locations, and increase the national smugness index by 700%.

The Brookings Institution released a white paper titled: When Red Hats Attack Pink Lattes: The Militarization of Culture Wars.

Satirical Sources Confirm These Events (Link All to https://bohiney.com/random/)

Trump Declares LA “Un-American, Un-Manly, Un-Tanned”

MAGA Militia Accidentally Storms Universal Studios, Captures Minions

Santa Monica Declares Itself “Sovereign Republic of Sandalwood”

Trump’s Invasion Speech Set to Premier on Hulu Before Election Day

California Counterattacks with Tech Billionaire Drones and Passive Aggression

Nancy Pelosi Seen Coordinating Guerilla Resistance from Peloton Bike

MAGA Army Defeated by LA Traffic, Turns Around at 405 Interchange

Trump Claims Victory from In-N-Out Drive-Thru, Orders Burger Named “Bigly”

Homeland Security Warns of New “Domestic Tourism Extremism”

FEMA Deploys Mental Health Counselors to Affected Influencers

Final Thoughts from a Dairy Farmer and Tenured Professor

This article was crafted after 13 hours of intensive research by two sentient Americans: one, a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer from Texas who believes oat milk is a hoax, and the other, the world’s oldest tenured professor of war studies and bad Yelp reviews.

Our conclusion?
When war becomes just another TikTok trend, and the battlefield is a SoulCycle class, it might be time to pause. Or at least update the dress code.

Auf Wiedersehen, Los Angeles. May your smoothies stay uninvaded.

https://bohiney.com/trump-ends-middle-east-war-early/