CORPORATE BRIBES DISGUISED AS LAWSUITS

TRUMP’S NEW GOLDEN GOOSE: CORPORATE BRIBES DISGUISED AS LAWSUITS

“Sue me, baby, one more time!” – Donald J. Trump, allegedly, in a cease-and-desist love letter to Target Corp.
By Cassandra Blight | Investigative Satire Correspondent | July 2, 2025

Palm Beach, FL — In the latest twist to campaign finance innovation, Donald J. Trump appears to have reinvented the classic American grift: suing corporations so they can legally bribe him in return. Sources close to the former president (including a janitor at Mar-a-Lago and a particularly bitter unpaid intern) have confirmed what Wall Street has been whispering for months—Trump’s lawsuits aren’t lawsuits at all. They’re invoice requests.

Welcome to the new political-economic ballet critics are calling “Bribery in B-Flat Minor: The Lawsuit Waltz.” It’s part extortion, part theater, and all legal thanks to the magic of America’s labyrinthine campaign finance loopholes.

HOW THE “SUE-AND-SETTLE” SCHEME WORKS

Here’s how the system reportedly operates, according to a leaked PowerPoint presentation from inside the Trump Organization titled “Alternative Revenue Streams, Vol. 88: Sue ‘Em Til They Pay.”

Identify target company with deep pockets and woke marketing team.

File frivolous lawsuit over anything: their commercials, ESG policies, a misprinted golf towel.

Use lawsuit as a signal to the company: "We’re open for business."

Settle out of court for a conveniently enormous sum.

Publicly spin the payout as a victory against “wokeness,” “globalism,” or “low-energy paper towels.”

THE CASES THAT MADE WAVES
Trump v. PepsiCo, 2025

Filed in March, this suit accused Pepsi of "psychological treason" for releasing a rainbow-themed cola can during Pride Month. The case was settled in exactly 13 days. No one saw a dime go to lawyers. But Trump did receive a brand-new gold-plated soda fountain in the Mar-a-Lago game room, and Pepsi’s PAC quietly donated $5 million to a Super PAC named “Americans for Flavor Freedom.”

Trump v. LEGO, 2024

The former president claimed that LEGO's Capitol Riot Set (age 6+) was “fake news” and slanderous. LEGO denied wrongdoing but agreed to license Trump Tower LEGO sets exclusively through Truth Social in exchange for a full retraction... and a hug.

ELECTION LAWYERS: “TECHNICALLY IT’S LEGAL. SPIRITUALLY, IT’S SATANIC.”

Federal Election Commission officials are, as one put it, “helpless and weeping into a manila folder.” According to campaign finance expert Judith Snurlock, “As long as the money is technically settlement and not a donation, and as long as it comes with a signed NDA and a press release that blames China, it’s airtight. Like a greasy Tupperware.”

One FEC analyst, speaking under condition of anonymity (and depression), summarized it this way:

“The IRS calls it income. The FEC calls it legal. The Lord calls it hustling.”

INSIDE THE BRIBE: TESTIMONY FROM “TRUMP SETTLEMENT SPECIALISTS”

Trump’s latest staff hires include what insiders call “Settlement Whisperers.” These are attorneys who specialize not in fighting cases, but in pricing them attractively.

“We don’t ask how offended he is,” said anonymous staffer, “we ask how much the company wants him to be offended. There’s a tiered menu: $1M gets you a mild tweet, $5M triggers a full Fox News meltdown, and $10M? That’s impeachment-level rage. Comes with a free rally.”

A NEW ECONOMY: SUEFLATION AND THE INDEX OF OFFENSE

Wall Street analysts have begun tracking Trump’s litigation activity as an indicator of market conditions. The new “Trump Offense Index” (TOI) is being published weekly in Forbes and Goop.

“Every time he sues a major corporation, it creates a volatility spike,” said economist Wayne Fister of the Wharton School. “We call it ‘sueflation’—it’s like inflation, but dumber.”

Recent TOI Spikes:

14% rise after Trump sued Ben & Jerry’s for “leftist lactose.”

9% surge when Trump called Whole Foods “an overpriced tofu cartel.”

21% panic in Nasdaq when he threatened to sue Apple for not adding a button called “Covfefe.”

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

“Trump doesn’t do bribes. He does reverse hold-ups. He walks in, sues you, and says ‘you’re welcome.’” — Sarah Silverman

“It’s not corruption if you yell ‘Make America Great Again!’ while doing it.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I sued a guy once for cutting in line at Arby’s. Got three beef ‘n cheddars. Trump’s on another level.” — Ron White

“The man turned lawsuits into a subscription service.” — Trevor Noah

“Pretty soon Trump’s gonna sue God for letting Hillary win the popular vote.” — Amy Schumer

SATIRICAL ECONOMIC THEORY: THE “TRUMP TAX LOOPHOLE”

Harvard economist Dr. Petunia Maulbrock has coined a new theory: Trumpian Transactionalism, which states:

“In a deregulated system, the perceived offense becomes the commodity. Trump sells outrage the way McDonald’s sells fries—frequently, everywhere, and with extra salt.”

Trump himself reportedly boasted in private, “You know who’s really good at suing people? Me. But you know who’s even better? The people who want me to sue them because it’s the only way they can legally pay me without their shareholders noticing.”

CORPORATE COMMENTARY

Amazon declined to comment but offered Trump a “Prime Elite” account with same-day impeachment.

Nike released a statement: “Just Sue It.”

Goldman Sachs introduced a new hedge fund: The Grievance Index Fund, which tracks Trump’s moods via satellite and Twitter scrape.

LEGAL EXPERTS DISAGREE ON... WELL, EVERYTHING

Some legal experts say it’s “a dark day for democracy.” Others say it’s “a clever workaround.” Meanwhile, Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani (from his new office at the Cheesecake Factory restroom) insisted, “This is how the Founding Fathers wanted it.”

Former ethics czar Norm Eisen called it “a disgrace wrapped in litigation wrapped in a McNugget box.” He then burst into tears and asked if anyone still believes in objective reality.

FROM “DRAIN THE SWAMP” TO “DIVERT THE FUNDS”

Many recall when Trump promised to drain the swamp. What he seems to have done instead is turn it into a golf resort and charge entry via legal invoices. In Trump’s America, the real currency is grievance—and everyone has to pay the toll.

Even the lawsuits have branding now. Trump’s latest batch of legal complaints are sold in bundles like NFTs:

The "Stormy Special": 3 lawsuits, 1 press conference, 2 denied NDAs.

The “Fake News Feud Pack”: Includes MSNBC, CNN, and Rachel Maddow’s mom.

The “Woke Buster Bundle”: 5 lawsuits filed during Pride Month, bundled with a flag.

DISCLAIMER

This satirical article was a collaborative work between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. All persons and quotes are fictional but emotionally accurate. Any resemblance to real corruption is entirely intended.

Auf Wiedersehen.