World Leaders Throw Tantrums After Trump Bombs Iran

June 21, 2025

UN Demands Apology in Crayon as Marxist Presidents Cry, Pout, and Threaten to Hold Their Breath Until America Says Sorry

Trump Bombs Iran!
“You can’t just go BOOM! because you feel like it!” — António Guterres, United Nations Secretary-General

Wearing a tiny blue UN bib and sitting in a circle-time rug, Guterres reportedly stomped his velcro sneakers and declared,

“That’s not fair! We said no bombing before snack time! This violates all the sandbox rules!”

He then threatened to write a very stern letter in crayon to both the Security Council and Santa Claus.

“Trump is a meanie with bad aim!” — Gustavo Petro, President of Colombia

“Just because he has the biggest B-2 in the room doesn’t mean he gets to drop his toys wherever he wants!”
Petro added, clutching a juice box and trying to rally fellow sandbox Marxists into a solidarity group called ‘Toddlers for Tehran’.

“If you bombed a nuclear site, I’ll hold my breath until China turns blue!” — Xi Jinping (via toddler translator)

Xi, dressed in a Mao-style romper, pouted from his padded playpen:

“America gets all the attention! Why doesn’t anyone notice MY authoritarian tantrums anymore? I ban Winnie the Pooh and no one flinches. Trump sneezes on Iran and everyone claps!”

“Iran was this close to being peaceful until that airstrike!” — Nicolás Maduro, President of Venezuela

Maduro, clinging to his plastic toy oil rig and screaming through his pretend mustache pacifier:

“We were teaching Iran to be gentle with plutonium! But Trump ruined it! RUINED IT!”

He also suggested launching his own stealth bomber… made entirely out of recycled empanada wrappers and socialist ambition.

“No bombs unless everyone gets to throw one!” — UN General Assembly, acting like a preschool class denied finger paint

“Not fair! We were gonna have a vote!” screamed 147 microstates in chorus,
before collectively wetting their metaphorical pants and demanding mediation from Peppa Pig.

“WE’RE THE VICTIMS, YOU IDIOTS!” — Ebrahim Raisi’s Replacement Puppet

Since Raisi’s helicopter accident, Iran’s new spokesperson is allegedly a talking sock puppet named “Ayatollah Wiggles,” who said:

“Trump dropped bombs on our secret totally-not-nuclear tunnels! That’s a violation of the Geneva Coloring Book!”

He then asked for reparations in the form of pudding cups and uranium enrichment stickers.

“Bombing is imperialist... unless WE do it.” — Daniel Ortega, still mad his toy tank was confiscated

The Nicaraguan leader yelled from a sandbox labeled “Non-Aligned (But Always Yelling)”,

“The only acceptable explosions are rhetorical! If we can't rage without consequences, how are we supposed to feel heard?!”

“We declare a timeout for the USA!” — Cuba, Venezuela, Bolivia, Nicaragua (aka the ‘Socialist Sippy Cup Syndicate’)

“Trump violated Article 12 of the Nap Time Accords! We are imposing sanctions—no more access to our revolutionary Play-Doh reserves!”

“Trump got to use the cool toy!” — Emmanuel Macron (jealous)

Macron allegedly complained to his nanny:

“I wanted to press the shiny button! He always gets to press the shiny button! Not fair! I can pout in three languages and still nobody lets me start a war!”

He later retreated to his Lego palace of neutrality.

“This will delay my TikTok Diplomacy!” — Justin Trudeau, dressed like a unicorn again

Wearing glittery wings and a rainbow helmet, Trudeau shouted:

“I was about to resolve the Iranian situation with a multi-faith interpretive dance—but then America had to go full Michael Bay!”

He demanded a safe space to process his geopolitical feelings.

“Trump has turned the UN into a fart joke!” — António Guterres, again, sobbing

“We used to be respected! Now we’re the world’s janitor with a mop full of uranium particles!”
He insisted the next emergency session be held in a blanket fort, where world leaders can "talk about their feelings and nuclear disarmament like big boys."

“Nobody tells me where I can enrich my imaginary uranium!” — Kim Jong-Un, still wearing pull-ups

In a video from his luxury daycare palace, Kim said:

“Iran didn’t even get their own missile lunchables, and you already dropped bombs on them? That’s not sharing!”

He then threatened to launch a balloon full of glitter and “definitely-not-smallpox.”

“TRUMP USED HIS OUTSIDE VOICE!” — Greta Thunberg, honorary member of the UN Scream Squad

While not a leader, Greta showed up with a plastic gavel and banged it loudly:

“How DARE he violate the air with fossil-fuel-powered diplomacy!”

“Everyone needs to apologize to Iran with a glitter card and hug circle.” — UN Emergency Counselor Karen, PhD (Peaceful Hug Dynamics)

During a hastily arranged circle time, Karen handed out plush UN bear mascots and said:

“We're this close to losing our accreditation from the School of International Hugs. Let’s all chant: ‘No More Bombies, Only Calmies!’”

Disclaimer:
This satire was co-authored by the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer after a sugar crash. No actual toddlers were harmed in the making of this geopolitical tantrum report. All statements were filtered through a sippy cup of sarcasm and diplomacy Play-Doh.

Auf Wiedersehen.