Support Our Native Troops...

I Support Our Native Troops… Especially When They're on Horseback, Armed with Spears, and Galloping Toward Los Angeles LOS ANGELES, CA – In what experts are calling “the most historically accurate protest since Burning Man got canceled,” thousands of Native American warriors on horseback were seen charging across the California desert en route to Los Angeles after striking a diplomatic accord with MS-13 and Tren de Agua. Their mission? Liberate detained gang leaders in exchange for one small promise: returning all of America. The Blood Pact of the Southwest: A Historic Deal Between Mexican Street Gangs and Native American Tribes In a smoky backroom of a shuttered El Pollo Loco just outside Barstow, a meeting took place that political scientists are already calling “The Treaty of Taco Tuesday.” On one side: leaders of MS-13, Tren de Agua, and the Westside Nopal Cartel. On the other: representatives of the Comanche, Apache, and Diné nations—plus one very serious Hopi guy with a PowerPoint stick made of bone. The deal? Bold. The Mexican street gangs would return the land to the tribes—every last acre, cul-de-sac, and vape lounge from Baja to Burbank. In exchange, the Native warriors would rescue their gang leaders from federal detention using what they called “historically proven methods of horseback extraction, ceremonial disguise, and mystical distraction.” According to the sacred napkin where the deal was signed (in salsa), here’s what each side promised: What the Street Gangs Are Giving: Full tribal land restitution, including several casinos, three Walmarts, and possibly Disneyland. Recognition of tribal sovereignty, as long as it doesn't interfere with street racing. The permanent retirement of gang face tattoos in favor of tribal patterns approved by a cultural committee. A ceremonial gun buyback, where firearms are exchanged for eagle feathers, peyote buttons, or limited edition 'Fast & Furious' DVDs. What the Native Tribes Will Do: Mount a full-scale rescue of gang leadership from ICE holding facilities using silent arrows, buffalo stampede illusions, and at least one quantum hologram of Sitting Bull. Escort gang members through tribal lands, bypassing checkpoints using ancient smuggling paths and three enchanted coyotes. Rebrand the gangs under tribal jurisdictions—MS-13 becomes the "Sacred Brotherhood of the Thirteen Winds,” while Tren de Agua becomes "The Spirit Trackers of the South." Provide spiritual rehabilitation, which includes sweat lodges, vision quests, and being yelled at by someone’s grandma until you rethink your life. “This isn’t just a deal,” said Chief Frank ‘Smokes-on-iPad’ Redbird. “It’s a decolonial partnership built on mutual distrust of the U.S. government.” When asked if either side plans to honor the agreement, an MS-13 spokesperson shrugged and said, “We’re giving back land, not receipts.” The federal government, stunned by the speed and creativity of the pact, responded by scheduling a congressional hearing titled, “When Criminals Get More Done Than Congress.” America watches—and wonders if treaties signed in queso fresco will finally stick. The Treaty of Taco Bell According to leaked parchment scrolls from a treaty allegedly signed behind a Taco Bell in Barstow, the gang leaders promised to give back all tribal land to Native Americans once freed from federal custody. “We’re not saying we trust them,” said Chief Tony ‘Three iPhones’ Yazzie. “But at least their lies are more original than Washington’s.” Polls show 83% of Americans support Native American warriors returning the land… so long as it doesn’t involve returning their own backyard. California Reacts Gavin Newsom, caught off guard and mid-manicure, was last seen Googling “Can you legally retreat to Oregon during a coup?” “We had a deal with these gangs!” cried Newsom on a hot mic. “They promised to only carjack Teslas!” Activists in West Hollywood held a candlelight vigil, not for the gangs or the feds, but for the sustainability of all the horses involved in the raid. Tactical Wokeness and the Great Raid of REI As the warriors advanced, LA residents mistook it for a Coachella side-stage performance. “Honestly, it looked like a cultural flash mob,” said influencer Misty Moon, who livestreamed the event while sipping an $18 oat milk latte. “I thought it was for a Netflix promo.” Local REI stores were raided—not by looters—but by the warriors themselves, seeking biodegradable spears and tactical ponchos for the upcoming battle. ICE Fortifies Home Depot Meanwhile, ICE agents took defensive positions behind walls of mulch bags and seasonal patio furniture at Home Depot in Burbank. They called it “Fort Freedom.” “I’ve never been in combat before,” said Agent Carl Butterworth. “But I played a lot of Red Dead Redemption 2, so I’m basically ready.” One tribal elder reportedly rode up to the front entrance and screamed, “This aisle was our aisle before you alphabetized it!” Will the Land Be Returned? While the White House released a statement claiming, “We are monitoring the situation and praying it’s just cosplay,” the Department of the Interior quietly started Googling “how to write land deeds in Lakota.” What the Funny People Are Saying “It’s like Dances with Wolves met Fast & Furious, but with more honor.” — Ron White“If Native Americans get their land back, can I finally return my apartment to my landlord with no security deposit issues?” — Jerry Seinfeld“I support the troops. Especially the ones with feathers, face paint, and a very specific grudge against the city of Glendale.” — Sarah Silverman“Only in America does a federal standoff end with spirit horses, vegan smoke signals, and a Whole Foods coupon war.” — Chris Rock“The gang promise to return America... like a guy promising he’ll text you after ghosting you for 500 years.” — Amy Schumer MORE NEWS: Gangland Diplomacy: How MS-13 Promised to Fix History in Exchange for Bail In a historic press conference held behind a pawn shop and two vape clouds, MS-13 leaders announced a bold new initiative: “Operation Historical Reconciliation,” in which they promised to return all Native American land and teach critical race theory in prisons—in exchange for immediate bail and unlimited access to Hot Cheetos. The gang's leader, “El Curriculum,” stated, “We made mistakes. Mostly stabbing people. But now, we want to decolonize, spiritually.” A tribal council representative cautiously praised the effort, saying, “It’s the first time we’ve heard a gang admit to gentrification and genocide in the same sentence.” Legal scholars were split. One UCLA professor called it “restorative justice via tattoos,” while another simply said, “This sounds like Mad Libs for parole officers.” A leaked memorandum showed the gang was also willing to rename their headquarters “The Indigenous Reclamation Center,” complete with sage-burning ceremonies and a “Land Back Loyalty Program.” The Department of Justice, skeptical at first, warmed up when MS-13 promised to handle reparations with cryptocurrency and good intentions. As one observer noted, “Only in America can organized crime offer a better land-back policy than the government.” Gavin Newsom Requests Political Asylum from Malibu Surfboard Collective California Governor Gavin Newsom, freshly sunburned and emotionally exfoliated, was spotted paddling a borrowed surfboard toward a lifeguard tower marked “Malibu Surfboard Collective – Refugees Welcome.” His wetsuit bore the phrase “I Trusted the Gangs,” written in Sharpie. Sources close to the governor say Newsom was seeking political asylum after leaked emails revealed he approved the release of gang leaders in exchange for a promise to "return America to the Indigenous people and maybe clean up Venice Beach.” The Malibu Surfboard Collective, a sovereign beach commune governed by vibes and occasional sand raves, held an emergency council under a driftwood awning. “We accept him as a fellow washed-up Californian,” said Wave Commander Broseph Jackson. “But he has to pass the Ritual of the Righteous Riptide first.” Newsom reportedly failed the first test—balancing on a longboard while holding a signed apology to the state. Still, the Collective offered him temporary sanctuary in exchange for organic sunscreen donations and weekly “non-denominational spiritual beach sweeping.” When asked about next steps, Newsom replied, “I just want to be where the water drowns the headlines.” He was last seen attempting to meditate while being slapped by kelp. Home Depot Fortified, Declared New Capital of Independent ICE Territory In a development that has confused cartographers and terrified home renovators, a Burbank Home Depot has been declared the capital of Independent ICE Territory, complete with makeshift bunkers made from plywood, patio sets, and two rows of Weber grills turned sideways. ICE officials claimed the decision was strategic: “We already had access to thousands of zip ties, camouflage paint, and discounted bottled water. Honestly, it’s just efficient governance.” The facility now flies its own flag—an orange apron stitched with the phrase “Secure the Border, and the Lumber Aisle.” Inside the garden center, an ICE general known only as “Captain Mulch” coordinated operations while standing atop a stack of fertilizer bags. “We are a sovereign nation now. We don’t recognize California’s authority—or their return policy.” A neighboring Lowe’s tried to broker peace, offering coupons and aloe vera. They were met with a barrage of unsolicited DIY advice and zip-tie grenades. Meanwhile, local citizens were outraged to learn their curbside pickup orders had been rerouted to ICE checkpoints. One man screamed, “I just wanted succulents and caulk, not to get interrogated!” Federal authorities say negotiations are ongoing, but for now, Home Depot remains the safest heavily militarized suburb in America. Horseback Warriors Break Through Santa Monica by Exploiting Bike Lane Loophole Santa Monica residents awoke to the rhythmic thunder of hooves as Native American warriors, in a brilliant act of legal maneuvering, claimed the city’s bike lanes as tribal corridors, citing a 1794 treaty and three city council minutes misread during a drum circle. City officials attempted to halt the advance, arguing that “hoof traffic” wasn’t covered by the Bike Lane Expansion Act. But after a fierce debate, the warriors presented a glowing bird scooter and a burning sage bundle as documentation, and were waved through with hesitant peace signs. Cyclists were reportedly “startled but supportive.” One said, “It’s the most efficient use of the lanes since we legalized e-skateboards.” The warriors rode through Third Street Promenade with dignity and purpose—pausing only briefly to secure gluten-free fry bread and berate a Lululemon employee for misappropriating sacred leggings. Santa Monica’s elite attempted to organize resistance via Slack, but many were still emotionally recovering from a recent Pilates injury. “This isn’t war,” declared a tribal spokesperson. “This is a toll ride through your colonized brunch zone.” By evening, the warriors had reached Venice Beach, where a standoff with rollerbladers ended peacefully over a shared kombucha. Los Angeles Declares Itself Neutral Like Switzerland, But with More Juice Bars In a bold move to protect its brand and influencers, Los Angeles declared itself a neutral city-state, promising non-alignment in the growing conflict between Native tribes, ICE, and rogue gangs—as long as nobody interrupted brunch. Mayor Karen Bass signed a “Declaration of Holistic Neutrality” printed on sustainably harvested hemp paper and sealed with vegan wax. The document promises peace, spiritual openness, and 25% off all smoothies with code “LANDPEACE.” “We will not choose sides,” she said from a rooftop yoga studio, “except the side that has valet parking.” The UN responded with a shrug emoji and a recommendation to “monitor for insufferable smugness.” LAPD agreed to stand down in exchange for a four-day workweek and ceremonial turmeric shots. Meanwhile, TikTok influencers launched the #PeaceButMakeItAesthetic campaign, encouraging decorative neutrality with desert tones and ethically-sourced incense. Neutrality did not prevent the installation of anti-horse barriers made from outdoor furniture. Warriors, however, easily bypassed them by entering through the Erewhon exit. Santa Monica attempted to join the neutrality pact but was rejected for being “too corporate.” In a final act of diplomacy, LA offered the conflict parties a mediation session with Gwyneth Paltrow’s life coach. Federal Agents Surrender When Surrounded by War Drums and Kombucha Fog It began with a distant beat—slow, steady, primal. Then the fog rolled in, thick with kombucha vapor, ginger-laced and faintly judgmental. Federal agents guarding the last remaining ICE station in Van Nuys began coughing, weeping, and softly muttering, “Is that… lemongrass?” Moments later, tribal warriors emerged from the mist, armed with tomahawks, ceremonial feathers, and Bluetooth-enabled sound systems pumping remixed war chants layered with trap beats. Overwhelmed by the sensory assault and spiritual vibes, the agents laid down their badge-lanyards and Instagram accounts. “It wasn’t just the fog,” whispered ICE Sergeant Dave Flinger. “It was the shame.” Tribal leaders surrounded the building and offered forgiveness in the form of reclaimed sage bundles and one free ayahuasca retreat per agent. By nightfall, the federal building had been converted into the “Center for Restorative Land Back Zumba,” offering classes in cross-cultural healing and ancestral cardio. Former agents were seen rebranding as spiritual consultants, promising “inner immigration reform” and selling dreamcatchers on Etsy. No shots were fired. Just one tear shed. And not from gas—from kombucha infused with raw onion and ancestral cleansing. “You can’t fight the fog,” one agent said. “Especially when it’s fermented and morally superior.” Disclaimer This article is a 100% human collaboration between a tenured tribal historian and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer with an excellent Wi-Fi connection. All facts are made up, but feel more honest than most press briefings. Auf Wiedersehen. Native American Troops enter Los Angeles on the side of the Mexicans street gangs (4) Native American Troops enter Los Angeles on the side of the Mexicans street gangs (3) Native American Troops enter Los Angeles on the side of the Mexicans street gangs (2) Gangland Diplomacy How MS-13 Promised to Fix History in Exchange for Bail https://bohiney.com/support-our-native-troops/