Santa’s 11 Months of Shenanigans

Santa Claus Has 11 Months Off—So How’s the Big Guy Killing Time? By Staff Writers at Bohiney.com, North Pole Bureau After the global logistical miracle known as Christmas Eve, Santa Claus punches out of his sleigh's biometric time clock and disappears for 11 months, leaving children, mall managers, and NORAD to wonder: Where the hell does he go? According to newly leaked records from the International Coalition of Holiday Mascots (ICHM), Santa is not resting on his laurels—or his bowlful-of-jelly belly. We’ve compiled 15 humorous insights, paired with funny evidence, eyewitnesses, and quotes from those brave enough to speak out against Kris Kringle’s off-season lifestyle. Bohiney Insight into… Santa’s 11 Months of Shenanigans 1. Compulsive Coupon Clipping for Reindeer Feed Santa spends January in a Costco parking lot, arguing with managers over expired coupons for "50% off sustainable alfalfa pellets." An Elfin whistleblower confirmed Santa now “only shops in bulk” since switching to a high-fiber reindeer diet. The North Pole veterinarian says it’s “less about health and more about inflation-induced hoarding.” "He tried to price-match Dasher's oat milk with camel feed." — Ron White 2. North Pole Axe-Throwing League In February, Santa enters his “Lumberjack Core” era, throwing axes at frozen hams and shouting, “This one’s for the elves who unionized!” The Elves’ Union Local 1224 issued a cease-and-desist after Santa named his team “The Red Scare.” “He’s like Paul Bunyan, but with more back hair and fewer boundaries.” — Amy Schumer 3. Gets Kicked Out of a Meditation Retreat in Sedona In March, Santa travels to Arizona for “spiritual alignment” and ends up getting banned for excessive jingle bell usage during group silence. The retreat director filed a complaint, citing “one man’s mindfulness is another man’s PTSD.” An attendee described the scene: “He screamed ‘HO HO HO’ during a sound bath and tried to tip the shaman with peppermint bark.” 4. Plays Pickleball with the Easter Bunny and Loses Every April, Santa enters the High Holy Holiday Mascot Invitational, which involves pickleball, charades, and emotional eating. The Easter Bunny wins every year due to his enhanced bounce and what Santa called “illegal carrot supplements.” A leaked scoreboard showed Santa lost to the Tooth Fairy 21–3 after he slipped on a molar mid-match. “Santa’s cardio maxes out at getting off the couch to yell at Fox News.” — Jerry Seinfeld 5. Runs a Bootleg Toy Consulting Firm on Fiverr By May, Santa moonlights on Fiverr under the username “BigRedToys4U.” For $20, he'll rate your startup’s toy idea on a scale from “Naughty” to “FDA recall.” One client reported, “He told me my eco-friendly pogo stick lacked ‘whimsy and death-defying danger.’” "Imagine getting career advice from a man who hasn't updated his list-making software since 1789." — Kevin Hart 6. Takes Sensual Beard Selfies for Mrs. Claus’ Etsy Store Santa has become an accidental beardfluencer. Each June, he models handmade beard oils in thirst-trap poses captioned: “Daddy’s Home (For Q4 Planning).” His beard TikTok has 3.6M followers and a verified collab with “Men Who Smell Like Cabin Fire.” A leaked DM shows Santa flirting with a pumpkin spice candle account. Mrs. Claus replied: “Stick to beard balm, creep.” 7. Secretly Enrolled in a Community College Course: “Influencing 101” To better connect with Gen Z, Santa now audits courses at Fairbanks Online Institute of Digital Fame. A student named Trevor said, “He kept calling TikTok ‘that newfangled elf vine.’” His first post? A video of himself lip-syncing to “All I Want for Christmas” with the caption: “Still your zaddy 🎅 #ElfTok.” 8. Hosts an Annual “Christmas in July” Rager… for Himself Santa throws a party in July that features spiked eggnog, inflatable moose, and EDM remixes of Gregorian carols. Last year, Blitzen crowd-surfed. This year, Frosty was found passed out in a hot tub. Neighbors reported “a suspiciously jolly man moonwalking in fur-trimmed Crocs,” holding what appeared to be a peppermint martini. 9. Attempts a Stand-Up Comedy Career in Reno In August, Santa hits the open mic circuit. His set includes tight-five jokes like:“My wife told me to spice things up in bed. So I brought Dasher.”Audience reaction: Half laughter, half Christmas PTSD. The Reno Gazette called him, “A bizarre hybrid of Andrew Dice Clay and a mall mall Santa on Zoloft.” 10. Undergoes Annual Sleigh Emissions Testing (and Fails) September is when Santa’s sleigh is inspected by the Arctic Environmental Bureau. Last year, Rudolph’s nose was flagged for “unauthorized infrared radiation.” The sleigh failed its carbon neutrality pledge after sleigh bells were found to be made from non-recyclable joy. Santa called the results “a woke hit job on tradition.” 11. Guest Stars in Hallmark Films Under the Alias “Chris N. Kringle” Santa has a SAG card. Hallmark insiders say he plays small-town baker, lumberjack, or widowed miracle man in 6-10 films per offseason. He insists on script rewrites that include “a scene with a magic snow globe or I walk.” Critics noted his acting range: “From beardy to more beardy.” 12. Gets Canceled on X (Formerly Twitter) for Yelling at a Child One leaked clip shows Santa yelling, “Coal’s cheaper than therapy, kid!” to a 9-year-old during a summer North Pole open house. The post went viral. Hashtag #SantaNeedsHelp trended above #FreeBritneyAgain. Santa issued a Notes App apology:“Sorry I told your kid Christmas was a corporate hallucination. Love, Big Red.” 13. Attends Burning Man, Builds an Art Sleigh from Bones and Sand In October, Santa sheds the red suit, dons body paint, and builds a symbolic sleigh of ancestral regret at Burning Man. One attendee said, “He kept chanting about capitalism while hot-gluing sleigh runners to a shopping cart.” He left early after mistaking a fire juggler for a reindeer-themed influencer. 14. Volunteers at Local DMV Just to Feel Powerful Santa volunteers incognito at the Alaska DMV in November, enjoying the rare pleasure of telling people “No” without being called a Grinch. He reportedly told one man, “Your reindeer registration is three months expired, bud.” According to a co-worker: “He told a lady to renew her sleigh tags, then gave her a candy cane.” 15. Attends Therapy for Post-Yuletide Burnout “Christmas isn’t just a day—it’s a trauma vortex,” his therapist noted. Santa’s sessions are filled with rage at snow globe licensing deals, elf dental plans, and his deep resentment that the Tooth Fairy gets summer breaks. When asked what he wants most, he whispered:“To be loved without cookies.” Santa’s 11 Months of Shenanigans What the Funny People Are Saying "Santa’s not resting—he’s rebranding." — Ricky Gervais"I saw Santa at a strip mall giving motivational speeches to disgruntled mascots." — Sarah Silverman"Turns out he’s just a glorified UPS driver with better branding." — Dave Chappelle"Why does Santa have abs now? He’s in a beard thirst trap war with Jason Momoa!" — Ali Wong"Santa at Burning Man is just your uncle in a red onesie screaming about bitcoin." — Bill Burr"Santa’s new podcast? Just 2 hours of heavy breathing and toy industry gossip." — Trevor Noah"His idea of self-care is yelling 'Merry Christmas' into a canyon and waiting for the echo to affirm him." — Kevin Hart"I once saw Santa vape in a Sprinter van behind an REI." — Tig Notaro"If Santa worked any less, he’d be Congress." — Roseanne Barr"You think the elves unionized? They’re running Etsy sweatshops now!" — Larry David"Santa’s beard oil costs more than rent in Cincinnati." — Chris Rock"Santa said I was naughty because I filed for bankruptcy. That’s economic kink-shaming." — Amy Schumer Santa’s Team Responds In an official statement released from North Pole HQ, Chief Elf of Communications, Snickerdoodle Johnson, claimed: “Santa is using this offseason for creative rejuvenation, environmental sleigh compliance, and finishing his memoir: ‘Sleigh All Day: My Life in Velvet and Judgment.’” Mrs. Claus added via a Facebook Live: “He’s trying to be a ‘Christmas Influencer.’ I just want him to remember to take out the polar bear compost.” A Glimpse Into Santa’s Calendar Santa’s iCal for 2025 was leaked. Highlights include: March 8: “Call therapist. Apologize for eating her candle again.” June 14: “Audition for The Masked Singer. Costume: Belligerent Nutcracker.” August 31: “File OSHA complaint against Cupid. That dude’s arrows are real.” October 13: “Cancel elf team-building retreat. Replace with squid game.” November 28: “Buy Black Friday. Like, the whole thing. Monopoly flex.” Santa: Just Like Us? Despite the myth, the magic, and the toy empire, Santa Claus is really just a guy avoiding emails for 330 days straight, trying to rediscover himself through incense, failed stand-up gigs, and bureaucratic power plays. He’s the ultimate symbol of burnout culture. A figure caught between the corporate machine he built and the psychedelic sleigh ride he secretly craves. We asked one North Pole intern if Santa is okay. “Honestly? No. But he smells like cookies and refuses to retire. So... yes?” Santa’s 11 Months of Shenanigans  Santa Claus Has 11 Months Off: A Deep Satirical Investigation into the Down Time of a Holiday Icon By the Seasonally Suspicious Team at SpinTaxi.com In the frozen silence following December 25, when all the wrapping paper is shredded and your living room looks like a glitter bomb detonated inside a peppermint factory, one question looms large in the minds of children, economists, and curious NORAD operators: “What does Santa do the other 11 months of the year?” Some imagine him napping. Others believe he’s prepping toys year-round. The truth is far stranger, according to a leaked set of documents from the North Pole's Public Records Division, plus a tell-all interview with a recently furloughed elf named Peppermint Kevin. Let’s take a peek inside the month-by-month, merry-yet-moronic misadventures of the world’s jolliest seasonal employee. January: Compulsive Coupon Clipping for Reindeer Feed As soon as New Year’s hits, Santa enters “coupon goblin mode.” He's often spotted wearing a bathrobe from 1983, socks with sandals, and muttering things like, “Nobody pays full price for beets anymore!” According to a Costco manager in Anchorage, Santa tried to price-match artisanal reindeer pellets with “expired elk granola from 2009.” A cashier reported: “He held up the line for 40 minutes arguing about whether his Costco Executive Membership covered hay-based snack bars.” Blitzen has developed a gluten intolerance. This has complicated everything. February: North Pole Axe-Throwing League Santa insists he’s “not violent,” but that axe-throwing keeps him “jolly and emotionally ventilated.” His team, The Jingle Hackers, meets twice a week in the break room, where they hurl sharpened candy canes at laminated photos of Amazon delivery vans. Peppermint Kevin confessed: “He threw one at a snowman and screamed, ‘THIS IS FOR REPLACING MY ROUTE WITH DRONES!’” The Easter Bunny allegedly confronted him after Santa tried to start a “Festive Deathmatch.” Witnesses say he yelled, “There can be only one chocolate-based deity!” March: Meditation Retreat Meltdown In March, Santa flew to Sedona to “align his chakras and flirt with his soul.” It ended in disaster when he refused to remove his sleigh bells during a silent yoga session. A retreat member recounted: “We were all in downward dog when this man in red starts chanting ‘Ho-Ho-Om’ and offering everyone gingerbread lattes.” Santa was removed by the local Shaman Council after insisting he’d achieved enlightenment “three eggnogs ago.” April: Pickleball Duel with the Easter Bunny Each spring, holiday mascots compete in a closed-door athletic tournament known as the "Eggnog Games.” Santa, despite being shaped like a beanbag chair stuffed with gravy, insists on competing in pickleball. Last year, he lost to the Tooth Fairy, 21–3. She didn’t even have hands—just good intentions and dental coverage. A leaked email shows Santa blamed “defective pickleballs made by elves high on powdered sugar.” He then accused the Easter Bunny of doping on “marshmallow-based performance enhancers.” May: Toys R Us Startup Consultant on Fiverr By May, Santa moonlights as a “holiday toy analyst” on Fiverr under the username “KringleGrind69.” For $15, he will rate your startup toy pitch. For $35, he’ll roast it in a 2-minute TikTok duet wearing ironic sunglasses. A toy entrepreneur named Bryce sent Santa an idea for a compostable drone that plays Lo-Fi beats. Santa responded: “This is why you were on the Naughty List in 2011, Bryce. It’s like a Furby had a breakdown at Burning Man.” Santa’s average Fiverr review: 3.7 stars. Most complaints cite “excessive gingerbread metaphors.” June: Beardfluencer Shenanigans Santa now monetizes his image by modeling artisan beard balms on Instagram. He struck a collab with “WokeFolk Haircare,” a company that uses reclaimed chimney soot. In one now-viral photo, Santa lounges in a clawfoot tub full of molasses, captioned: “Rub my beard and whisper your fiscal goals. #SaintSlick” Mrs. Claus is reportedly “not thrilled” with the fans sending beard hair requests to their P.O. box. She’s since launched her own rival account called “CookieButCruel.” July: Christmas in July Rager—Unsupervised Santa throws an annual Christmas in July party so chaotic that last year’s celebration resulted in three hangovers, a spontaneous elf wedding, and one sleigh suspended in a pine tree. A reindeer DJ named DJ AntlerMaxx played remixes like “All I Want for Christmas Is Booze.” Local authorities were called after Santa attempted to crowd-surf using a sheet of peppermint bark and three duct-taped elves. August: Open Mic Stand-Up Failure In Reno dive bars across Nevada, Santa can be seen testing his “tight five.” Sample jokes include: “What’s the difference between the IRS and Rudolph? At least Rudolph shows up when it’s foggy.” Crowd response: Mild groaning, a lone whistle, and one man who yelled, “Bring back the elf!” He was heckled off stage during a joke that began: “Mrs. Claus walks into a bar with a venison complaint…” September: Fails Sleigh Emissions Testing The North Pole has strict sleigh emissions regulations under the Reindeer Environmental Action Law (REAL). Santa failed inspection three years in a row. One inspector noted: “The sleigh emits enough glitter to choke a polar bear, and Rudolph’s nose is technically classified as unregulated light pollution.” Santa responded in a press release: “This is woke nonsense. Reindeer are nature’s Priuses.” October: Hallmark Actor / Activist Santa holds a recurring role in Hallmark Original Films under the name “Chris N. Kringle.” His agent says he insists all scripts contain at least one of the following: A mistletoe accident A hot cocoa healing montage A snowball fight that ends in engagement One reviewer called his performance in “Snow Kiss at Cocoa Creek” “both erotic and unsettling.” November: Volunteering at the DMV “To Feel Something” As Thanksgiving looms, Santa seeks meaning by working a few days at the DMV in Nome. A witness recounted: “He made me re-take my sleigh license test because I ‘looked too smug.’ Then he gave me a candy cane and told me to ‘reflect on my tone.’” Co-workers say he replaces every “NEXT!” with “Ho Ho Ho, who’s next for disappointment?” December (Before the 25th): Mandatory Therapy for Burnout Three weeks before launch night, Santa checks into the Holly Jolly Wellness Center for annual therapy. Therapist notes from 2024 revealed the following complaints: Elves using ChatGPT to automate wish lists Rudolph developing a light-sensitivity lawsuit Mrs. Claus “passive-aggressively hosting book club during toy audits” Santa told his therapist, “I’m not even on the Coke bottles anymore. That damn polar bear took my gig.” A Miami nightclub scene—Mrs. Claus, dressed glamorously in red sequins, swings around a candy cane pole on a gingerbread stage labeled... MORE: What the Funny People Are Saying “Santa in therapy is just him crying into eggnog saying ‘Why does Amazon get all the love?’” — Ricky Gervais“It’s not burnout—it’s ‘sleigh fatigue syndrome.’” — Jerry Seinfeld“Santa volunteered at the DMV just so he could ruin someone’s Tuesday on purpose.” — Roseanne Barr“His beard’s got more followers than 82% of indie bands.” — Ali Wong“You think your job’s seasonal? Santa gets 24 hours of glory and 341 days of panic attacks.” — Bill Burr“He tried to get me to invest in elf-made NFTs. They’re just sketches of nutcrackers with abs.” — Kevin Hart“Every year he tries to rebrand as ‘Klaus The Cool.’ And every year… it fails.” — Tig Notaro“I caught him in Vegas doing close-up magic. Said it was ‘for the brand.’” — Trevor Noah“Santa’s got a TikTok called ‘North Pole After Dark.’ That ain’t right.” — Amy Schumer“He played Jesus in a Christmas pageant in Miami last year. Just stood there screaming ‘Where’s the Frankincense?!’” — Dave Chappelle“Santa Claus is a 1099 worker with a sleigh full of unresolved trauma.” — Chris Rock“He told a child that being naughty was a lifestyle choice. The kid burst into flames.” — Sarah Silverman Leaked Calendar: Inside Santa’s “Self-Development Schedule” We obtained access to Santa’s iCal. Events include: March 17: “Cancel elf wellness retreat. Replace with Hunger Games-themed team-building.” April 12: “Call Elon Musk. Discuss sleigh-tracking satellites and PR crossover event.” May 30: “Interview personal trainer named Lance who promises to make me ‘less round.’” August 8: “Apply for verified account on Threads. Fail.” November 29: “Unblock Tooth Fairy. Apologize for Easter BBQ incident.” Expert Analysis: What’s Really Going On? We asked psychologist Dr. Carol Wintree, author of “Clause in Crisis: Managing Magical Burnout,” what’s behind Santa’s erratic offseason. “Santa exhibits classic signs of disassociative merriment disorder—where holiday figures spiral when not actively dispensing joy.” Dr. Wintree suggests more grounding rituals, like peppermint therapy, gingerbread journaling, and controlled sledding. Survey: How the Public Views Santa’s Off-Season Activities In a recent Pew-Nog Research poll: 34% believe Santa should “get a real job, like running FedEx” 21% think he’s secretly writing an erotic novel 17% believe he’s coaching high school wrestling under the alias “Coach Kringle” 12% suspect he moonlights as a HomeGoods security guard 16% replied, “Who cares, I’m Jewish” Final Thoughts from Peppermint Kevin We reached out again to Peppermint Kevin, the ex-elf now working at a Dollar Tree in Manitoba. “Honestly, I miss the chaos. I miss watching Santa grill s’mores over a burning sleigh manual. I miss the way he screamed at the snow.” He paused. “But mostly, I miss believing he had a plan.” Santa’s Therapist Reveals Claus Has Nightmare Where Amazon Replaces Him with Drones NORTH POLE — After 1,774 years of service, Santa Claus is reportedly undergoing deep therapeutic intervention for recurring nightmares in which Amazon Prime drones replace him entirely, and Jeff Bezos rides in his sleigh. According to Dr. Noel Twinklebaum, Santa's longtime therapist and certified yule trauma expert, these dreams began in 2016 and have since intensified. “In the dream, Santa arrives at a house only to see an Amazon drone zip past and drop a PlayStation 7 down the chimney. Then Jeff Bezos winks at him from a cloud made of bubble wrap,” Dr. Twinklebaum told SpinTaxi. Claus reportedly wakes up screaming, “They’re outsourcing cheer!” and tries to strangle the nearest elf with a string of blinking LED lights. The trauma deepened when Santa received a Prime-branded care package last Christmas containing a note that read, “We’ve got it from here, Big Guy.” Mrs. Claus has since banned Alexa devices from the Pole. https://bohiney.com/santas-11-months-of-shenanigans/