Sam Altman Promises AI Will Soon Bake Pies

Sam Altman Promises AI Will Soon Bake Pies, Cure Cancer, and Fix Your Daddy Issues — But Only If You Stop Asking Questions By the Staff of Bohiney, in partnership with the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer SAN FRANCISCO — In an unexpected twist of techno-prophecy, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has unveiled a new multi-pronged vision for humanity’s future, starring artificial intelligence, universal pie distribution, climate-controlled utopia, and an unsettling fondness for apocalyptic whispering. Speaking from a rotating chrome stage shaped like a neural net, Altman calmly assured the audience: “We are this close to digital superintelligence. It’s gentle. It’s soft. It’s almost… polite.” But behind the silk-smooth optimism, observers note a familiar Altman pattern: bold declarations laced with exaggeration, overstatement, and a sprinkle of benevolent doom. AI Will Cure Cancer, Power the Grid, and Probably Iron Your Socks Altman has made so many public statements in recent months that he now competes with ChatGPT itself in generating speculative fiction. He’s promised AI will: Cure cancer Reverse climate change Replace human intelligence And generate “novel insights” by 2026 — insights he assures us will be better than “water is wet,” but didn’t say by how much. He also told The Atlantic, Wired, and a guy named Dave at a Peet’s Coffee that we’re on the cusp of “wildly abundant intelligence and energy by 2030.” That's right—AI-powered fusion and philosophical enlightenment, delivered by something that still hallucinates the capital of Spain as “Lima.” Experts remain skeptical, mostly because their iPhones still drop calls in elevators. We’re Smarter Than Humans Now (But Still Don’t Understand How We Work) Altman has repeatedly claimed that AI may already have surpassed human intelligence. Meanwhile, LLMs like GPT-4 refuse to calculate 7×9 unless coaxed like a shy kindergartener. In the same breath, Altman warns of extinction risks from AI... while openly admitting that OpenAI doesn’t fully understand how its own model functions. As one anonymous engineer confessed, “It’s like giving a toddler a loaded squirt gun and then praising its water physics.” Altman: Martyr, Messiah, and Chief Pie Engineer Not content to simply create the future, Sam Altman is also a full-time martyr. He recently lamented that “everyone hates you for everything.” He said this, presumably, from a luxury smart-bunker in New Zealand built to withstand apocalypses and NPR interviews. Public sympathy was... minimal. “Look, I also cry in my Ferrari,” said one fellow billionaire. “But I don’t call it moral leadership.” The Altman Doctrine: Top 15 Absurdities (Straight From the Singularity) Here are the greatest hits of Sam Altman’s exaggerations—ranked by absurdity, irony, and bake-sale applicability: 1. The “Gentle Singularity”Altman calls the coming AI revolution gentle, as if Skynet will ask politely before vaporizing Cleveland. 2. “AI Will Cure Cancer”In this vision, ChatGPT isn’t just a chatbot—it’s your oncologist, marriage counselor, and barista. It can’t tell a joke, but it’ll fix your genome. 3. "AI Is Already Smarter Than You"A bold claim considering ChatGPT still believes Napoleon invented lasagna. 4. Robots Will Grocery Shop by 2027Sam predicts personal assistant bots within two years. My Roomba still thinks the couch is a cliff. 5. “Wildly Abundant Energy and Intelligence”Coming soon! Powered by boldness and vibes. 6. AI Will Have 'Novel Insights' by 2026Such as “don’t eat glue” and “you should talk to your mother more.” 7. Dismissing Skeptics as TrollsCritics like Gary Marcus get labeled “intellectually dishonest.” Meanwhile, Sam posts visionary blog posts with all the nuance of a Tesla earnings call. 8. “Everyone Hates Me” ComplexBeing a billionaire CEO is apparently harder than working the night shift at Waffle House. 9. "We Know How to Build AGI"Great. Now explain why your AI thinks Schrödinger was a DJ. 10. OpenAI as the Sentry of DemocracyBecause nothing says "democracy" like firing your board and buying a bunker. 11. Scraping the Internet Is InnovationAltman once said they trained GPT on everything. That includes Reddit, cat memes, and WebMD forums. We’re basically trusting our future to a model trained on Yahoo Answers. 12. Universal Basic ComputeInstead of Universal Basic Income, Altman offers “universal basic compute.” Which is like giving starving people a spoon and telling them to dream of soup. 13. Existential Dread + Technical IgnoranceHe warns AI could destroy the world, then adds: “We don’t quite know how it works.” That’s comforting—like a pilot announcing your plane might explode, but not why. 14. Calling Blogs “Manifestoes”Altman writes essays with the spiritual intensity of a tech cult leader. The difference? Fewer Kool-Aid warnings. 15. Cancer Cures by a Hallucinating AlgorithmAI can’t tell you where your pancreas is, but it’s apparently going to fix it. What the Funny People Are Saying “Altman says AI will do your taxes, cure cancer, and end war. Great. Can it stop autocorrect from changing ‘ducking’?” — Jerry Seinfeld “Sam thinks AI is gentle. So is a loaded gun if you cuddle it just right.” — Ron White “Universal basic compute? That’s like getting partial custody of the internet. Every other weekend, with limited RAM.” — Sarah Silverman “He says he’ll replace Congress with AI. I say let’s start with replacing Congress’s printers first.” — Larry David Satirical Helpful Content (From Your Dairy-Farming Professor Team) Problem Altman’s AI Promise Reality Climate Change AI-powered solar grids Still stuck in HOA permit limbo Healthcare AI cures all disease Can’t read a blood test without asking 3 times Education AI tutors every child Thinks the Civil War started in 1973 Economics Universal Basic Compute So... we rent computer time from the empire now? Mental Health AI companionship Therapy bot says, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Poll Results* 🗳 According to a non-peer-reviewed survey conducted at a Phoenix-area IHOP: 72% of Americans want AI to help them with taxes. 38% believe Sam Altman might be a robot. 17% think AGI is just a fancy European sports car. 93% agree AI should not be allowed near nuclear buttons until it can spell “nuclear.” *Margin of error: ± your trust in billionaires. Final Note: The Pie Is a Metaphor (We Think) Sam Altman says AI will eventually bake pies. Not just metaphorical ones. Literal pies. Fresh crust, flaky logic, with existential dread filling. It’s a fitting symbol: a perfectly round promise made of ingredients nobody understands, served by a machine that still can’t distinguish between sarcasm and sincerity. We’ll eat it anyway. Just don’t ask if it’s gluten-free. Disclaimer:This satirical article is entirely the product of two humans — a tenured professor who still uses chalk and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer with strong opinions about both ethics and udder alignment. AI was not used in the writing, but will probably take credit by morning. Auf Wiedersehen. Sam Altman Promises AI Will Soon Bake Pies, Cure Cancer, and Fix Your Daddy Issues — But Only If You Stop Asking Questions (1) https://bohiney.com/sam-altman-promises-ai-will-soon-bake-pies/