LA’s ICE Drama

Bohiney Insight into LA’s ICE Drama Operation Truck Newsom: How California Got ICE’d Without Asking for It Federal Agents Storm LA Like It’s D-Day in Hollywood So federal agents rolled into LA like it was D-Day, if D-Day had more sunscreen and Instagram filters. Protesters barricaded themselves using shopping carts from Home Depot—because nothing says “revolutionary spirit” like the “Rollback Price” aisle. Tactical officers ducked behind grills still on clearance. The first casualty of the raid? A lawn gnome named Pedro who took a rubber bullet to the sombrero. Eyewitness Karen McLatté from Silver Lake screamed, “They were everywhere—agents, pallets of mulch, guys in camo yelling 'clear the garden tools!' It was like an episode of Fixer Upper gone rogue.” National Guard Deployed Like That One Guy Who Shows Up to Parties Uninvited They dropped 2,000 National Guard troops into LA without so much as a DM to Gavin Newsom. That’s like arriving at your ex’s engagement dinner and announcing, “Hi, I’ll be handling security now.” Major Randy “Tug” Malkin told reporters, “We just followed the GPS. Said turn left at social unrest and keep going until somebody screams ‘fascist.’” Local militia groups were offended. “We reserve the right to intimidate our own neighborhoods,” one guy shouted, polishing a musket while sipping kombucha. Peaceful Protest or Tesla BBQ? Insurance Companies Can’t Tell Mayor Karen Bass and Gavin Newsom insisted the protests were peaceful. Right on cue, protesters lit a row of Teslas on fire like sacrificial iPhones. Self-driving cars tried to flee but got stuck at a 4-way stop. One protester posted, “This is for the rainforest,” while another just tagged Elon Musk in flames emojis. Meanwhile, Allstate issued a press release titled: Nope. Only one group protested the protests: the insurance industry. “This was violence against depreciation,” said an agent sobbing over a burned Lucid Air. Trump Calls it a Response to Bricks; Critics Call it a Home Depot Sale Trump’s Truth Social account blamed the violence on “bricks and concrete,” which was accurate if you count decorative pavers and modern art. Photos show the “bricks” were part of a community mosaic spelling out “Justice.” The “concrete” was someone’s broken bird bath. A man in Venice Beach tried to throw a cinder block, but hurt his back mid-lift. He’s now suing the city for emotional whiplash. Operation Truck Newsom: The Unauthorized Script California Never Approved Instead of informing California leaders, the federal government rolled with “Operation Truck Newsom,” a script originally written for a canceled Michael Bay movie. The plan included: Scene 1: ICE agents rappel down from helicopters Scene 2: Gavin Newsom cries on a balcony Scene 3: Protesters are defeated by slow-motion drone shots and freedom fries One producer in Burbank said, “It’s bold. It’s chaotic. It’s gonna test well in Florida.” Pete Hegseth Warns Marines May Flex Their Right to Bench-Press Civilians Pete Hegseth warned the Marines were on “high alert,” which is a polite way of saying they’re bored and ready to lift things. “Peacekeeping is mostly lunges and protein shakes,” said Sergeant Vince “Meatloaf” Bergman, balancing a Humvee tire on one shoulder. One protester taunted a Marine with a yoga mat. The Marine responded by calmly deadlifting a Vespa. Peace through upper body dominance—it’s the American way. Legal Experts Say This is Unprecedented, But So Was Avocado Toast Scholars are baffled. “This defies all norms,” said UCLA constitutional professor Shari Kleinman. “And also, I haven’t seen this much government overreach since Reagan tried to ban breakdancing.” But let’s be real. California legalized weed before it legalized joy. So when people say, “This has never happened before,” they mean “since brunch.” One expert tried to cite precedent, but his law library burned down in the 1992 riots and has been a dog yoga studio ever since. CBS Poll Says 75% Support Deportations—Math Doesn’t Add Up in LA CBS ran a poll saying 75% of Americans support deportations. Which is awkward in a city that’s 25% Mexican and 45% “Mexican-adjacent.” That’s like asking Texans if we should ban BBQ: someone’s gonna get stabbed with a fork. Survey methods included: Asking people in Phoenix Texting 200 random numbers during a Dodgers game A focus group of three drunk guys outside In-N-Out One guy interviewed thought “ICE” referred to the rapper and yelled, “Yeah! Deport that Law & Order dude!” Protesters Set Tech on Fire to Save the Planet Activists torched self-driving cars—emitting more carbon than Taylor Swift’s entire European tour—to protest climate injustice. “It’s a symbolic act,” said an arsonist with a sociology degree and a pink gas mask. Tesla released a statement: “Our cars are designed to self-extinguish. But not like this.” Elon Musk threatened to sue Mother Earth for breach of loyalty. Meanwhile, firefighters used AI to locate the fires, which directed them to the wrong side of town. Thanks, ChatGPT. ICE Arrests 3,590 Criminals—Mexico Demands the 35 Innocent Ones Back ICE claimed they arrested 3,590 undocumented Mexicans with criminal records. Mexican President López Obrador said, “Return the 35 innocent ones. The rest you can mail to Canada.” He insists he knows who’s innocent. “Their auras are soft. They do not jaywalk.” One deportee was arrested for stealing Hot Pockets from a 7-Eleven. Another for impersonating a Laker. A third for “laughing too loudly on the Metro.” ICE proudly declared the operation a success. Critics pointed out most of the arrests happened at a Jamba Juice. Guard Troops Ordered Pizza—Tear Gas Ruined It The National Guard stood silently in formation while tear gas clouds swirled. One private was seen weeping—not from the gas, but because his Papa John’s delivery was ruined. “We ordered thin crust. We got trauma,” he said. Domino’s apologized, offering coupons for “one free PTSD pie.” Marines shared MREs in silence. The vegan one was traded for a rock. An Uber Eats guy named Trevor wandered into the chaos, got tased, and now identifies as a libertarian. Trump Blames Radical Left, Forgets Netflix Still Exists Trump went on Truth Social, blaming “the radical left, socialist agitators, and oat milk enthusiasts.” He forgot that Netflix—a known leftist cult—is still streaming The Crown to half of suburbia. He also accused Billie Eilish of staging the protests using TikTok sorcery. One protester yelled, “I’m not Antifa, I’m gluten-free!” Another said, “This is just a vibe check.” His supporters, meanwhile, stormed Yelp and left one-star reviews for kombucha bars across LA. Newsom Cites Latin Law, Because English Isn’t Working Gavin Newsom sued the federal government, citing the Posse Comitatus Act—a Latin phrase meaning, “Please don’t send tanks without texting me first.” He stated, “You can’t just use military force for immigration enforcement unless it’s in Florida. That’s their whole tourism campaign.” Legal scholars debated the merit of the case. One judge fell asleep. Another just played Wordle on the bench. The DOJ responded, “We’re not ignoring California. We’re just…ghosting them.” LAPD Declares Protest Unlawful, Arrives 2 Hours Late LAPD declared the protest an “unlawful assembly,” but showed up like it was brunch. When asked for the delay, Chief Ramirez said, “We hit traffic…on foot.” By the time they arrived, the barricades were dismantled, the fires extinguished, and protesters had transitioned into a drum circle. One officer shouted “Disperse!” to an empty parking lot. Another asked a taco truck for backup. They declined. It was the first riot ever fully live-streamed before law enforcement arrived. After the Smoke, Comes the Mop—Tear Gas Cleanup Begins As the chaos settled, locals began mopping the streets. Tear gas canisters rolled into Trader Joe’s. A Roomba gained sentience and fled to Arizona. Volunteers from Echo Park formed a brigade called “Swiffers for Justice.” Their motto: “We clean what they won’t.” The Guard stood around, watching. One private said, “I didn’t sign up to babysit crying yoga moms.” Still, cleanup happened. With a few sponges, a lot of eye drops, and a resilient spirit of, “This would’ve been a great Coachella set.” Disclaimer: This article was co-authored by a 96-year-old tenured professor of constitutional irony and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer who now mops up satire for fun. All events recounted here are technically true if you're very bad at fact-checking. Auf Wiedersehen. Peaceful Protest or Tesla BBQ? Insurance Companies Can’t Tell Image Gallery Peaceful Protest or Tesla BBQ Insurance Companies Can’t Tell  Federal Agents Storm LA Like It’s D-Day in Hollywood  Federal Agents Storm LA Like It’s D-Day in Hollywood  Peaceful Protest or Tesla BBQ Insurance Companies Can’t Tell  Peaceful Protest or Tesla BBQ Insurance Companies Can’t Tell  Federal Agents Storm LA Like It’s D-Day in Hollywood  Federal Agents Storm LA Like It’s D-Day in Hollywood (3) https://bohiney.com/las-ice-drama/