Iran Given a Precision Butt-Kicking

We Just Gave Iran a Precision Butt-Kicking They’ll Never Forget

– President Donald J. Trump, Commander-in-Beef, Master of Bombast
Full Transcript from the East Room of the White House

“Thank you. Thank you. Sit down—unless you’re standing to salute the greatest military on the face of this Earth, which I totally understand. I do it myself sometimes when I walk past a mirror.

So here’s the newsflash: We smoked 'em.
We just pulled off the most beautiful, luxurious military operation in modern history. The kind of mission so precise it made the Geneva Conventions beg to take notes.

We hit Fordow, we hit Natanz, and we hit Isfahan. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
Three strikes, and the Iranian nuke dream is OUT.
Gone. Vaporized. Sandblasted into the next Quranic calendar year.

Fordow used to be an ‘underground’ facility? Well guess what—I just made it post-ground. Natanz is now known as Nat-Was. And Isfahan? More like Isfa-gone.

And these Iranian clerics? They were chanting “Death to America”?
Yeah, well… now they’re whispering, “Please pass the lead vest and the radiation cream.”

We didn’t just bomb them—we gave them a free lesson in Freedom 101.

“Qassem Soleimani’s Ghost Just Requested Asylum in Dubai”

Let’s talk about that one-eyed butcher from the past—Qassem Soleimani. The guy loved roadside bombs like Hunter Biden loves laptops. And I told you, he wouldn’t make it out of 2020. And now? His fans just got a follow-up reminder. Courtesy of American aerospace.

“We Have B-2s. They Have Flying Carpets.”

These were B-2 bombers, folks. You don’t even hear them. You just wake up and your uranium is on fire.
And Iran? They're trying to respond with carrier pigeons strapped with grenades.

Let me tell you something about our pilots. They’re handsome, disciplined, and very, very lethal. They paint eagles on their helmets and freedom in the sky. The Iranian Air Force paints SpongeBob and Allahu Akbar slogans on used MiGs from 1972.

We hit them so hard, their Ayatollah is now broadcasting his fatwas from a bunker beneath a rug shop.

“I Want to Thank My Teammate, Bibi — We’re Basically the Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen of Bombing Evil”

Bibi Netanyahu and I—we worked together like barbecue sauce and ribs. Beautifully. No one has seen teamwork like this since Patton and MacArthur — and let’s face it, neither of them had to deal with woke diplomats or TikTok journalists.

“Iran Now Has More Craters Than IQ Points in Its Parliament”

We’ve obliterated their sites. And by the way, we know where the rest are.
We have satellites so sharp they can see a mullah’s nose hair trembling. And if Iran so much as charges a battery near enriched uranium, we’ll hit them again, faster than you can say 'Ayatollah's burn ointment.'

They said, “You’ll start World War III.” Wrong. I ended the Warm-Up Act of World War III in thirty-two minutes, with side dishes.

“If Iran Wants Peace, Great. If Not, We Have Plenty of Freedom Bombs Left in Stock.”

I’m not saying we want war, folks.
We’re not warmongers—we’re peace lovers with better aim.
But if they want to keep poking the bald eagle, they’re going to find out its talons are loaded with 2,000-pound democracy eggs.

“God, Guns, and Greatness”

I want to thank General Dan “Razin’” Caine—what a guy. They call him that because when he shows up, he razes everything in sight. Genius. Tactical genius. Probably better at golf than Obama too, not that it’s hard.

I thank the brilliant minds at the Pentagon, the operators who made this mission flawless, and God Almighty, who clearly favors red, white, and blue over whatever shade of oppression Iran is currently painted in.

And of course, the American people—hardworking, hamburger-eating, liberty-defending legends.

God bless Israel.
God bless the Middle East—for finally catching up to the idea that messing with America is a terminal illness.
And God bless the U.S.A., where the only thing we enrich is opportunity, not uranium.

Goodnight.
And to the Ayatollah hiding in your decorative bunker: Kiss my B-2."

🦅 DISCLAIMER: SATIRE, BABY. BIGLY.

This article is 100% satire—written with the full might of the First Amendment, a gallon of black coffee, and several fistfuls of bald eagle feathers.

The content above is a work of comedic exaggeration, parody, and unapologetic American absurdity. No Ayatollahs were harmed in the making of this speech—but several egos may have spontaneously combusted.

Any resemblance to real quotes is pure coincidence or pure genius, depending on your political views. We make no claims of factual accuracy, military strategy, or nuclear science... though we do claim excellent taste in freedom-flavored punchlines.

This content was crafted through a sacred and sarcastic collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed, blamed, or overpaid.

If you’re offended, don’t write a letter. Just take a deep breath, hug a bomb-sniffing golden retriever, and remember: it’s a joke, not a drone strike.

God bless humor, satire, and the United States of Hyperbole.

— The Ghost of Groucho Marx, probably

TRUMP IMAGE GALLERY

President Donald J. Trump, Commander-in-Beef, Master of Bombast -- Full Transcript from the East Room of the White House

President Donald J. Trump, Commander-in-Beef, Master of Bombast -- Full Transcript from the East Room of the White House

President Donald J. Trump, Commander-in-Beef, Master of Bombast -- Full Transcript from the East Room of the White House https://bohiney.com/iran-given-a-precision-butt-kicking/