Churro the Revolutionary Raccoon Elected

Churro the Revolutionary Raccoon Elected

Churro the Revolutionary Raccoon Elected as People's Mascot


In an unexpected turn of democratic vermin politics, a trash-loving raccoon named Churro has been elected the official mascot of the fractured “No Kings” protest movement, narrowly defeating a three-legged therapy llama named Justice.


Churro, who resides behind the Burlington Food Co-op and is known locally for stealing gluten-free granola bars and biting libertarians, rose to fame after being photographed during a protest gently pawing a Bernie Sanders button before knocking over a compost bin “in symbolic revolt.”


Organizers, reeling from internal divisions following the Bernie-as-Emperor scandal, held an emergency woodland caucus where attendees voted via interpretive dance, guttural affirmation, and one lengthy game of hacky sack. Churro won by a landslide after delivering what one protester described as “the most emotionally raw eye contact I’ve ever received from a non-human.”


Zines across the northeast immediately embraced the raccoon’s image, depicting him with tiny revolution flags and slogans like “NO CROWNS, JUST PAWS.” One protestor wept while describing Churro’s gaze as “anarcho-syndicalist with a hint of interspecies empathy.”


Not all activists are thrilled. One Vermont anarchist collective released a statement opposing “the selection of a mammal with facial markings that evoke old-world regality.” Meanwhile, PETA cautiously endorsed Churro’s leadership, adding only: “We hope the raccoon was consulted first.”


Churro has not issued an official statement, though he did reportedly urinate on a discarded copy of The Federalist Papers, which many interpreted as an act of direct action. A ceremony to honor his appointment is being planned and will include trash-can drum circles, raccoon-shaped vegan cupcakes, and a symbolic crowning with a compostable tiara made entirely of protest litter.

https://bohiney.com/churro-the-revolutionary-raccoon-elected/

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