Artificial Intelligence Might Just Be the World’s Most Expensive Autocorrect

The AIpocalypse Is (Still) Coming: Why Artificial Intelligence Might Just Be the World’s Most Expensive Autocorrect Byline: Written in full collaboration with a 94-year-old professor and a dairy farmer who majored in philosophy before losing a hoof to Nietzsche Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual billionaires, tech bros, or machines pretending to be sentient while still not understanding sarcasm is entirely intentional. Welcome to the Age of AI, Where Hype Has No Off Switch Artificial Intelligence has now promised to: Cure cancer, Solve world hunger, Write novels better than Tolstoy, Emotionally support your divorced uncle, And finally... destroy all jobs except the one where you pretend to manage AI. If you listen to Silicon Valley, AI isn’t just a tool—it’s a Messiah that speaks Python. But let’s be skeptics for a moment. Not cynical. Not Luddites. Just people who’ve seen Clippy try to help format a resume in 1999 and never fully recovered. Because for all the excitement, buzzwords, and preposterous TED talks with slow piano music, the question remains: Does AI really do anything useful—or does it just do everything confidently wrong at scale? Bohiney Insight into the Glorious Future of AI “We taught it language... and now it’s lying to us in 37 languages.” — AI Ethics Researcher, probably unpaid. Let’s explore the skeptical side of AI hype through this devastatingly accurate journalistic examination featuring 15 humorous observations and plenty of comedian wisdom. AI Can’t Even Fold Laundry But Is Planning to Solve Consciousness We were promised Rosie from The Jetsons, and what did we get? A robot dog that can moonwalk while knocking over soup cans. Comedian Line:“If AI’s so smart, how come Roombas are still just blind drunk hockey pucks with a death wish for stairs?” — Ron White Yes, DeepMind can beat you at chess, Go, and possibly Twister—but ask it to load a dishwasher and it explodes into an existential crisis about spatial logic. Chatbots: The Drunk Librarians of the Internet You ask a chatbot for a healthy chicken recipe, and it gives you instructions for building a molotov cocktail out of oregano and regret. Microsoft’s chatbot once became racist in under 24 hours. Not because AI is inherently evil. It’s because it read Twitter. Comedian Line:“AI learns from us. That’s like letting toddlers raise pit bulls. And then blaming the dogs when things go wrong.” — Jerry Seinfeld AI hype: It’s not that it’s learning fast—it’s just copying the dumbest part of humanity and putting it in a slideshow. AI-Generated Art: When You Want 12 Fingers and a Side of Dystopia Sure, AI art is impressive. Until you notice every woman looks like she was designed by a robot that just discovered boobs and power tools in the same hour. And every man is wearing armor made of obsidian, holding a sword shaped like anxiety. Skeptical Fact: AI image models are trained on everything—except good taste, context, and the understanding that humans typically have five fingers. AI in Healthcare: Now Featuring 80% Accuracy and 100% Confidence An AI recently diagnosed a tumor in a patient who turned out to be... a chair. The AI was very sure. The chair was later prescribed chemo and a TEDx talk. A Harvard study revealed that AI medical tools were trained on mostly white male patients, which means good luck if you’re anything else. Comedian Line:“AI’s medical advice is basically WebMD with a six-figure salary and no bedside manner.” — Sarah Silverman Self-Driving Cars: Just One Update Away from Murder Elon Musk promised fully autonomous cars by 2018, then 2020, then 2022, and now 2025ish—just as soon as the cars stop confusing children with traffic cones. True Story: In Arizona, a self-driving car once drove into a cactus, reversed, then parked in the middle of a highway. It was hailed as "a breakthrough in disruptive mobility." AI in Education: Cheating, But With a Thesis Statement AI writing tools can now help students cheat at higher levels than ever before. Before, students copied Wikipedia. Now they submit essays generated by machines trained on other students who cheated. Comedian Line:“College used to teach you how to think. Now it teaches you how to prompt GPT with enough keywords to pass Psych 101.” — Amy Schumer A professor at Boise State gave every student a B+ just to avoid grading 120 essays that all started with “Throughout history, humanity has struggled with…” AI in the Workplace: Now Replacing Middle Management with Confident Incompetence Tech CEOs say AI will “free workers from tedious tasks.” Translation: “You’re fired. But we trained the AI to send you a personalized emoji with a sad robot face.” LinkedIn is now filled with job titles like: AI Prompt Consultant Machine Empathy Officer Chief Ethical Technologist Evangelist-in-Residence We used to have janitors. Now we have “Spatial Purity Facilitators” monitored by drones. AI Ethics Boards: Where Corporations Investigate Themselves and Are Shocked to Find No Wrongdoing Google’s AI ethics team was dissolved after asking questions like:“Should we really be building AI weapons?”Google responded with: “You’re ruining the vibe.” Comedian Line:“Having an ethics board inside a tech company is like having a designated driver at a whiskey tasting.” — Bill Burr When an AI says, “I am not sentient,” it sounds like every politician saying, “I did not have relations with that woman.” Dating Apps Now Use AI, So Rejection Is Faster and More Precise AI dating assistants promise to "optimize your love life," but mostly they just autocorrect your bio to “emotionally available but jobless.” One man claimed he matched with himself three times. His AI thought he was the best possible partner. And honestly, he agreed. Skeptical Evidence: Bumble AI was caught auto-liking photos based on dog filters. “If she has a golden retriever, she’s trustworthy.” — AI logic. AI Is Great at Music, If You Like Soul-Crushing, Algorithmic Nightmares Spotify AI-generated playlists now include songs with lyrics like:“Baby, you are a cloud of recursive longing in a digital sky.” Some AI rapper got signed to a record label. Then dropped. Not because of racism—but because his beats were trained on microwave beeps and Elon Musk’s tweets. Comedian Line:“AI music is like a Tinder date with a mannequin. Smooth, dead-eyed, and surprisingly expensive.” — Ricky Gervais AI and Law Enforcement: Minority Report But With Worse Grammar AI surveillance tools now claim to predict crime before it happens. They don’t stop it. But they do write a 12-page PDF about it. Facial recognition has a 35% error rate in identifying Black people. But don’t worry—police departments now use it exclusively. Comedian Line:“AI won’t fix police bias. It just lets the racism arrive in a Tesla.” — Chris Rock AI in Politics: Deepfakes, Cheap Takes, and No Accountability Politicians love AI. Mostly because it gives them something new to blame when they lose elections. “I didn’t say that. That was a deepfake.”Oh? Then why were you holding a Red Lobster receipt in the video? And yes, AI can now write speeches. But oddly, they all sound like Beto O'Rourke giving a TED Talk on oatmeal. AI in Religion: ChatGPT as the New Confessional Booth Some churches have tried to use AI for sermons. One bot wrote:“Thou shalt not ghost thy neighbor’s texts after brunch.” Others are training AI to simulate God. That’s right, you can now ask a chatbot what it thinks about sin, and it’ll respond: “I do not understand guilt, but I recognize your behavior pattern is statistically regrettable.” Comedian Line:“AI Jesus would just multiply your OnlyFans subscriptions and say ‘Go and sin with slightly fewer typos.’” — Larry David AI Journalism: This Article May Be Brought to You by a Keyboard-Smashing Octopus AI is now writing news. But not good news. Headlines generated by AI include: “Is Your Toaster Plotting Against You?” “10 Salad Recipes That Will Get You Fired” “AI Predicts Beyoncé Will Replace Supreme Court by 2030” A 2025 poll found 82% of readers couldn’t tell the difference between a real news article and one written by a chatbot. Even worse? 91% didn’t care. Bohiney.com’s Final Verdict: AI Might Be Impressive—But It’s Not Magic Look, AI is powerful. It’s a tool. But the hype? The hype is a monster. A monster with a VC pitch deck, $72 million in funding, and a press release claiming it will “redefine the emotional resonance of toast.” We’ve allowed every coffee shop, law office, and Etsy sticker business to pretend they are “AI-powered,” when really they just installed Grammarly Premium. And remember: A spreadsheet that says “Hello, World” is not the dawn of a new species. It’s a fancy calculator with a God complex. What the Funny People Are Saying “AI is like giving a toddler a chainsaw and being shocked it cut the couch.” — Ron White“So we taught a computer to write emails. Amazing. Meanwhile, my grandma still thinks the microwave is possessed.” — Jerry Seinfeld“AI won’t take your job. But it will suggest a less emotionally unstable replacement for you.” — Sarah Silverman“This isn’t the singularity. It’s the ‘slightly better spellcheck that costs $30 million a month.’” — Bill Burr“You ever ask AI to explain a joke? You’ll want to walk into the ocean after.” — Ricky Gervais Artificial Intelligence Might Just Be the World’s Most Expensive Autocorrect MORE NEWS: AI Declares War on Logic, Emotions, and People Who Don’t Use Dark ModeChatGPT Named New CEO of Therapy App, Fires All Humans for “Excessive Empathy”MIT Discovers AI’s Greatest Limitation: It Can’t Handle Your Mom JokesOpenAI Launches New Product: Microsoft Excel but With Existential DreadAI Dog Trained to Sit, Roll Over, and Philosophically Debate Animal RightsMark Zuckerberg Uploads His Conscience to AI, Nobody Notices a Difference Final Words of Caution and Mild Panic We’re not saying all AI is bad. We’re just saying if your printer still can’t connect to Wi-Fi, maybe the world’s not ready for autonomous moral decision-making. Until AI can make a grilled cheese sandwich without lighting the house on fire, maybe we can tone down the whole “digital god-child of the future” narrative. Because right now? It’s just autocorrect with ambition. Auf Wiedersehen. Artificial Intelligence Might Just Be the World’s Most Expensive Autocorrect https://bohiney.com/artificial-intelligence-might-just-be-the-worlds-most-expensive-autocorrect/