A Journalist Got Shot

Most Americans Delighted a Journalist Got Shot? New Poll Conducted by Gremlins Confirms!

In a stunning reversal of everything journalism once stood for, a completely fabricated poll conducted by the Institute for Weaponized Schadenfreude found that 62% of Americans high-fived their TVs after hearing an Australian reporter got hit in the kneecap during the LA immigration protests. The other 38% were reportedly still microwaving popcorn and missed the moment.

“Finally, some good news,” says man who’s never read a book

According to anonymous eye-witnesses (who were all definitely not Facebook commenters), the mood across middle America was best summed up by Chet Blarney, a retired forklift operator and part-time barstool philosopher from Ohio:

“If a journalist gets hit and there’s no camera to film it, did it even happen?” — Chet, holding a QAnon smoothie

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Press Club, Australia’s Prime Minister, and literally every civil rights group in the Western Hemisphere denounced the event with the kind of outrage usually reserved for pop stars lip-syncing the national anthem.

Expert opinions from Not a Real University suggest…

Dr. Flip Renderson, media theorist at the University of Unread Comments, suggested this marks the beginning of a new movement:

“We’re entering the age of Unpressing the Press. No more ink. Just bruises. Pulitzer Prizes will now be awarded for Most Graceful Duck of a Rubber Bullet.”

He then cited a TikTok poll where users chose “LA reporter shot” over “puppy playing saxophone” as their daily serotonin fix. “It’s journalism, but like, interactive,” said one voter.

Patriotic irony served piping hot

In a truly American twist, freedom of the press was defended most strongly by Australians, who seemed more outraged than the LAPD was accurate. This led to a new diplomatic trend called the “Kneecap Doctrine,” where governments now threaten each other’s reporters with Nerf weaponry.

“We support a free press,” said one U.S. general. “We just prefer it… stationary.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“It’s not a protest until someone gets shot—ideally someone with a press badge and a foreign accent.” — Bill Burr

“Journalists in LA now dress like John Wick. Not for style—just to survive the afternoon.” — Ron White

“Americans don’t hate journalists. They just want them to dodge bullets and ask better questions.” — Sarah Silverman

“Shooting the messenger is now included in the national defense budget.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“You know journalism’s in trouble when they have to wear GoPros to prove they didn’t start the riot.” — Amy Schumer

Conclusion: We’re Not Mad at Journalists—We’re Just Scared of the News

So no, most Americans aren’t cheering for reporters to be injured. They’re cheering for someone to explain the world without reminding them of it. And if that means shooting the bearer of bad tidings, well… maybe it’s time to rethink who we’re aiming at.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Lauren Tomasi: Most Americans Delighted a Journalist Got Shot New Poll Conducted by Gremlins Confirms
Lauren Tomasi : Humorous Observations

1. The journalist wore a bright blue vest labeled “PRESS” in all caps, which LAPD apparently read as “TARGET.”

2. Australia called it a “horrific breach of press freedom” while America responded with: “Don’t worry, it was just the leg.”

3. The only “foreign interference” America seems to welcome is letting foreign reporters get shot on our soil.

4. Lauren Tomasi brought a microphone to a rubber bullet fight—classic rookie mistake.

5. LAPD said they were “clearing the area,” which apparently includes clearing the press with high-velocity foam rounds.

6. Protesters chanted “No justice, no peace!” while journalists chanted “Don’t shoot, I’m freelance!”

7. Most Americans didn’t notice because they were too busy watching TikToks labeled “REAL riot footage (gone sexy) 🔥🔥🔥.”

8. Tomasi’s footage was so compelling, Fox News tried to buy it. MSNBC tried to apologize for it. CNN just played it on a loop and added dramatic piano music.

9. The Australian PM demanded answers. The U.S. replied, “New phone, who dis?”

10. Lauren Tomasi proved her Aussie toughness—she got shot and still filed her story before anyone else.

11. The bullet that hit her leg is now trending on social media under the hashtag #FreedomPellet.

12. LAPD claimed she was in the “line of engagement.” That’s police code for “we forgot to wear our contacts.”

13. Americans say they want free speech, but only if it comes with commercial breaks and no eyewitness reporting.

14. The incident has sparked bipartisan outrage. Democrats blamed Trump. Republicans blamed wokeness. The LAPD blamed “bad lighting.”

15. In true journalist fashion, Tomasi filmed her own assault, narrated it live, and still spelled everyone’s name correctly.

Most Americans Delighted a Journalist Got Shot

What the Funny People Are Saying...

“She wore a vest that said ‘PRESS’ and they still shot her. What’d they think it meant—press start to fire?” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Only in America can you yell ‘I’m with the media!’ and immediately get treated like a piñata full of subpoenas.” — Ron White

“The LAPD said she was in a ‘chaotic environment.’ Yeah—Los Angeles! That’s not an excuse, that’s the GPS setting.” — Sarah Silverman

“Australia was outraged. The U.S. was confused. And Britain’s only comment was, ‘Is it too early to reclaim the colonies?’” — Trevor Noah

“She got shot in the leg and still finished the report. I get a papercut and call out sick for three days.” — Amy Schumer

“This wasn’t an act of censorship—it was more like oops, journalism got in the way of our aim again.” — Bill Burr

“American police see a reporter and go, ‘Ooh, a moving tripod with opinions!’” — Ricky Gervais

“She yelled ‘I’m Australian!’ like that would help. Lady, Americans barely know where Wisconsin is.” — Ali Wong

“You know it’s bad when a country built by convicts has to lecture us on civility.” — Dave Chappelle

“They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Not in LA. In LA, the rubber bullet is mightier than both.” — Kevin Hart

“At this point, journalists need body armor, a lawyer, and a waiver signed by God before covering protests.” — Chris Rock

“What do you call a press badge in Los Angeles? A heat-seeking name tag.” — Larry David

https://bohiney.com/a-journalist-got-shot/