Woke and Broke
“Woke and Broke”: Bold New Movement Exposes Marxists’ Economic Codependency on Capitalism
Employers Unite to Not Hire People Who Publicly Advocate the Abolition of Employers
Byline: By Celeste Grift, SpinTaxi Magazine’s Correspondent for Ironic Class Warfare
Woke and Broke -- In a move hailed by business owners as “the most passive-aggressive revolution in hiring since the invention of unpaid internships,” a new nationwide employer movement called “Woke and Broke” is making waves by refusing to hire anyone who identifies as an anti-capitalist, Marxist, or, as one CEO put it, “someone who thinks rent is theft but still lives in a loft with indoor succulents.”
“Being a Marxist and demanding a job is like yelling ‘Death to Pizza!’ while applying at Domino’s.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Welcome to the Movement: “Woke and Broke” is Hiring... Nobody
This growing labor-resistance trend—spread via a hilarious blend of LinkedIn passive-aggression, Indeed job filters, and bumper stickers reading “You Can't Seize the Means If You Can’t Operate a Copier”—has ignited a cultural firestorm.
While critics are calling the movement discriminatory, supporters argue it’s just “logical hiring hygiene.”
“Hiring a Marxist to run your payroll is like hiring a vegan to operate your steakhouse grill,” said Gary Duntrow, founder of Grillax Capital, a mid-size private equity firm in Scottsdale. “It’s not hate. It’s a basic compatibility issue.”
The Underslaught: Interviews with Four Shocked Would-Be Workers of the World
1. Carmen Leftwich, 27 – Gender Theorist / Professional Zine Maker
Carmen holds a Ph.D. in "Late Capitalist Hauntologies" from a German university that closed the year she enrolled. She’s been denied 47 jobs in three months, ranging from a Whole Foods bulk aisle position to “Deputy Content Sensitivity Officer” at Netflix.
“I believe in the abolition of labor hierarchy and the redistribution of all privately held assets,” she explained, “but I also think it’s my right to work for $37 an hour doing remote community engagement for a vegan dog treat startup.”
Carmen was especially disturbed when she was rejected from a nonprofit that supports unemployed anarchists.
“They told me they’d love to help, but I came off as too… entitled.”
BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide-aspect, close-up satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Toni Bohiney.Carmen Leftwich, 27 Gender Theorist Professional Zine Maker ... -- Alan Nafzger 4
2. Jetton Malokai, 32 – Podcaster / Abolitionist of All Jobs Including His Own
Jetton runs a podcast called “Revoltcast: Capitalism is a Disease (but Please Use My Patreon).” When asked why he needs a job, he explained:
“Because my followers are freeloading parasites who just want free content. Ironic, right? I rail against monetization culture and yet, no one wants to monetize me.”
After failing to get a barista position at a worker-owned coffee cooperative, Jetton wrote a 22-part Medium series titled “Yes, You Need My Labor Even If I Hate You.”
BOHNEY NEWS -- Jetton Malokai, 32 – Podcaster / Abolitionist of All Jobs Including His Own -- Alan Nafzger
3. Sonya Krill, 29 – Professional Protester / Part-Time Kombucha Critic
Sonya has attended over 80 protests, been pepper sprayed four times, and owns six different “Eat the Rich” crop tops. But she’s been utterly baffled by her failure to land a marketing job at a regional bank.
“They asked me if I had experience running campaigns,” she said. “I said, ‘Yes, I helped organize a march to burn your headquarters in 2022.’ I thought they'd appreciate the initiative.”
She was shocked when they declined.
“Apparently, banks have a long memory. That seems unfair.”
Woke and Broke -- Sonya Krill, 29 – Professional Protester / Part-Time Kombucha Critic -- Alan Nafzger
4. Dominik ‘Comrade Dom’ Renfro, 35 – Urban Forager / Failed Web3 Revolutionary
Dominik runs a Marxist TikTok with 1.3 million followers and believes “profit is violence.” Still, he recently applied to be a sales associate at Best Buy.
“I figured I could subvert the system from within—plus, I really want the employee discount on graphics cards.”
Best Buy’s HR director, however, flagged his account after a video surfaced of him spray-painting “Smash the supply chain!” on an Amazon Fresh delivery drone.
“I’m all about praxis,” Dom explained. “But I also need healthcare. I’ve had a clicking noise in my jaw since the last tear gas incident.”
BOHNEY NEWS -- Dominik ‘Comrade Dom’ Renfro, 35 – Urban Forager / Failed Web3 Revolutionary
Interview with the Business Class: “We're Not Hiring Revolutionaries. That’s Just HR 101.”
Burt Landgrove, Founder of Freedom & Fries, a food truck franchise
“Look, I don’t care what you tweet. But if your LinkedIn profile says, ‘Class traitors deserve the guillotine,’ and I’m the class, guess what? You’re not getting an apron or a punch card.”
Isha Rangopal, CEO of Quiet Lux Co-Working, a wellness workspace chain
“We had a guy interview in a Che Guevara hoodie. Said he was looking to infiltrate my ‘bourgeois ecosystem.’ I was like—bro, this is a scented candle store with Wi-Fi. Get a grip.”
Calvin Hu, Vice President of Recruitment at MacroSoft
“We don’t not hire Marxists. We just ask one question: ‘Would you be willing to refer to management as anything other than ‘landlords of your suffering’?’ If the answer is no, the door is also no.”
Loretta Simmons, Owner of Cappuccine & Grievances, an artisanal espresso bar in Brooklyn
“My last barista turned our breakroom into a cell for revolutionary planning. Customers didn’t know whether they were getting foam art or radical pamphlets in their lattes.”
She’s since instituted a new policy: “No espresso for aspiring Trotskyites.”
The Social Justice of Getting Rejected: A New Movement Emerges
The "Woke and Broke" movement is now more than a meme—it’s a social justice counter-push, a capitalism awareness campaign aimed at reminding idealistic youth that “you can’t overthrow the system if you don’t know how to work a printer tray.”
A recent poll conducted by the Center for Ironic Economics found that:
87% of hiring managers believe applicants who list “Marxist agitator” under skills might lack long-term company loyalty.
64% of self-proclaimed anti-capitalists are confused why businesses won’t hire them to destroy those businesses.
100% of landlords surveyed just laughed and locked the door.
“I tried hiring a Marxist. First day he unionized the chairs.” — Ron White
What the Funny People Are Saying
“It’s wild out here. These kids want to abolish bosses but still expect a letter of recommendation.” — Sarah Silverman
“These Marxists keep saying they want to tear down capitalism. But first—can they get a job with dental? You know, for the tear-down insurance.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You ever notice the guy yelling ‘Down with capitalism!’ is always holding a $1,200 iPhone and sipping a $9 cold brew? That revolution better come with free refills.” — Ron White
“One dude told me, ‘I don’t believe in bosses.’ I said, ‘Well good news—you won’t be meeting one anytime soon!’” — Ali Wong
“She said she was a 'professional agitator.' I asked, 'How much does that pay?' She said, 'Well, not much now that Whole Foods ghosted me.'” — Kevin Hart
“Marxists applying for jobs is like vampires applying to be lifeguards. Buddy, you hate the sun and the pool—why are you here?” — Ricky Gervais
“One guy said, ‘I refuse to participate in wage slavery.’ Bro, you live in your aunt’s Prius and think ramen is a food group. You are the unpaid intern of life.” — Sarah Silverman
“These kids want to overthrow capitalism, but can’t even overthrow their student loan autopay.” — Dave Chappelle
“They want to abolish billionaires, and also...work for one. It's like storming the castle with a résumé in hand.” — Trevor Noah
“I asked one of them, ‘Why do you want this job?’ He said, ‘To fund the revolution.’ And that’s when I realized—we’re dealing with rebel interns.” — Bill Burr
“You ever notice they hate ‘the man’ until the rent’s due? Then suddenly it’s ‘Dear Mr. Capitalist Sir, may I please have overtime?’” — Jackie Mason (1976)
“They want to destroy the system but cry when the system destroys their Uber rating.” — Amy Schumer
“These folks are all about redistributing wealth—unless it’s their OnlyFans profits. Then it’s like, ‘Hands off, comrade!’” — Chris Rock
Final Thoughts: Seizing the Means... Requires Wi-Fi and Dental
The truth is simple: Capitalism may be flawed, but it’s currently the only economic system hiring. “Woke and Broke” doesn’t just highlight the contradictions of anti-capitalist rhetoric—it gives it a 401(k) eligibility requirement.
And as more employers adopt the “Woke and Broke” hiring filter—also known in HR software as the “Did They Call Jeff Bezos a Lizard?” setting—we may soon live in a world where activism meets actual accountability.
As Jetton Malokai bitterly summed it up:
“I wanted to dismantle capitalism. I didn’t know capitalism would dismantle me first.”
DISCLAIMER:
This article is a 100% human collaboration between a tenured professor with a side hustle in alpaca therapy and a former philosophy major who now churns butter and outlandish headlines in equal parts. No algorithms were unionized in the making of this satire.
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