Trump Declares “Harvard is for Americans”
Trump Declares “Harvard for Americans” Policy, Adds Hotdog Bar to Café
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Former President Donald Trump announced today that he has “unofficially but spiritually” acquired Harvard University and is turning it back into an American institution by “removing all traces of quinoa and critical race theory.” His first act? Installing a 24-hour hotdog bar in the café to “make Ivy League meat-based again.”
“No more sushi. No more international sauces. Just good ol’ American hotdogs. With ketchup, mustard, and freedom,” Trump declared in front of a crowd of supporters holding diplomas from Trump University printed on Slim Jim wrappers.
Trump’s “Harvard for Americans” policy reportedly includes legacy-only admissions, Bible recitation as a science elective, and a “Bigly History” course focusing exclusively on moments when America won something. Sources say applicants will be screened for red meat levels and patriotism using a grilling-based assessment.
Freshman orientation now includes a weenie roast and a reenactment of the Boston Tea Party — but with Bud Light and bratwurst. Critics say this is “a complete collapse of academic standards,” but supporters argue it’s “the tastiest syllabus ever written.”
Meanwhile, professors have been issued MAGA hoods (Make Academia Great Again) and chalkboards now feature only the letters “U.S.A.” repeated over and over.
Harvard has not officially acknowledged Trump’s takeover. The university president simply said, “We are… evaluating this with measured horror.”
Foreign Students Majoring in Goat Herding Now
With visas revoked and borders closed tighter than a Yale secret society, many foreign students have had to “pivot” their academic aspirations. At least 7,000 formerly Harvard-bound scholars are now enrolled in The American School of Pastoral Arts, a roadside community college outside Boise, Idaho, offering a two-year degree in Advanced Goat Herding with an optional certificate in Sheep Psychology.
The sudden shift came after immigration officials announced that any foreign student pursuing a non-goat-related major would be deported unless they could successfully milk a goat under pressure. "We call it the Udder SAT," joked one ICE agent.
Students from China, India, and Nigeria are now wearing Patagonia and quoting Wendell Berry while herding livestock and researching goat yoga as an honors thesis. “I used to study quantum computing,” said Akash Rao of Bangalore, “but now I’m focusing on the quantum entanglement of goats and fences.”
The Goat Herding degree includes required courses like “BaaaS 101: Business Applications of Sheep” and “Ethical Grass Grazing.” Students rave about the capstone project, which involves organizing a goat cheese co-op and writing a haiku about loneliness in a meadow.
Despite the academic U-turn, enrollment is booming. One rural dean said, “Turns out the secret to American immigration is to put goats on the brochure. The Department of Homeland Security approves — and the goats don’t complain.”
SAT Now Graded on Ability to Spell ‘USA’ in English
In what the College Board called “an effort to re-center American values,” the SAT has been simplified to a single question: Can you spell ‘USA’ correctly in English? Misspellings like “Yousa” and “Useh” now trigger automatic disqualification and possible community service in a Cracker Barrel.
The redesigned SAT consists of one answer bubble, one flag-themed pencil, and three hours of patriotic silence. Graders now include WWII veterans and reality TV judges.
“It’s about time we stopped testing algebra and started testing AMERICA,” said Dr. Rick Balderson, head of the newly rebranded Department of Standardized Loyalty.
Top scores guarantee admission to the new Trump-endorsed Harvard, while incorrect answers redirect applicants to the “Freedom Academy of Real Good Learning” in Oklahoma, which specializes in lawn care and reciting Toby Keith lyrics.
Some students are protesting. “This test is culturally biased against people who don’t use all caps,” said a concerned mother on Facebook. Meanwhile, a new tutoring industry has emerged, offering flashcards that just say “U,” “S,” and “A” on loop.
The College Board defends the test, noting that the spelling standard is “objectively easier than math, science, or empathy.”
Next year’s version may include a bonus question: “What animal represents freedom and is definitely NOT a panda?”
TEXAS Residents Celebrate, Finally Get Into Harvard at Age 64
After decades of rejection and an average SAT score in the low barbecue range, Texans are celebrating a miracle: Harvard is now accepting residents of the Lone Star State at age 64 and older — as part of its “Diversity of Guns and Gumption” initiative.
Earl Ray Dunston of Amarillo burst into tears after receiving his acceptance letter, which he immediately laminated and wore to church. “I thought Harvard was just a coastal rumor,” he said. “Like arugula. Or tolerance.”
The new admissions policy targets older Texans who “bring life experience, solid drawls, and an appreciation for America that no 17-year-old cello prodigy from Luxembourg could ever match.”
Course offerings for these incoming Texans include “Advanced Front Porch Philosophy,” “Political Incorrectness 101,” and “Shotgun Safety for Indoor Use.” All lectures are followed by brisket.
Harvard’s historic Widener Library now includes a special section of Louis L’Amour novels and Duck Dynasty box sets. The official school motto has been updated to: “Veritas, Y’all.”
Skeptics worry that Harvard is losing its intellectual rigor, but university officials insist the 64+ Texas class is thriving.
“We had one student spell ‘Rousseau’ using only chewing tobacco and hay,” said Dean Lucretia Wellesley. “It was beautiful. Sticky, but beautiful.”
Trump’s HARVARD University Offers Degrees to Anyone Who Can Spell ‘Meritocracy’
In a surprising twist on educational equity, Trump’s newly branded “HARVARD University: Patriotic Edition” announced it will grant instant degrees to anyone who can correctly spell “meritocracy” without autocorrect, coaching, or divine intervention.
“Spelling it proves you earned it,” Trump explained during a press conference held in a former Golden Corral. “That’s the essence of merit… the -ocracy comes later.”
New diplomas are printed on waterproof cardboard and come with a MAGA tassel and a coupon for a hot pretzel at any participating Bass Pro Shop.
Applicants can take the spelling test by phone, fax, or shouting it during a NASCAR race. One accidental graduate earned her law degree after angrily yelling “MERIT-O-KRACY!” at a Waffle House waitress.
The program offers fast-track degrees in fields like “Freedom Math,” “Tactical Economics,” and “Liberal Arts But Conservative.” A recent alumnus said he used his Trump Harvard MBA to negotiate a better deal at Arby’s.
Elite academics remain concerned. “The entire concept of spelling-based graduation is flawed,” said one Princeton professor.
“Exactly,” replied Trump. “That’s why they’re not invited to the class reunion. Which, by the way, is being held at a Motel 6 in Talladega.”
Foreign Students Clone Entire Ivy League in Asia, Add Better Cafeteria Rice
After being banned en masse from elite U.S. schools, foreign students in Asia decided to take the high road—and the high-speed rail. Within months, they cloned the entire Ivy League, naming it the “Ivory Lotus League.”
Harvard became Havrad (with better Wi-Fi). Yale became Yéle, now powered by solar optimism. Princeton stayed Princeton because “it already sounded fake enough.”
Most notably, every cafeteria features Michelin-starred rice. Students can choose between jasmine, basmati, wild, sticky, and quinoa rice (only to remind them of their ex-roommate at MIT).
“We realized America had great buildings and even better endowments, but the food was garbage,” said Keiko Sakamoto, the Dean of Lunch. “How are you supposed to discover dark matter on a lunch of overcooked mac and cheese?”
Classes are more rigorous but less stressful. Meditation replaces midterms. Professors wear robes embroidered with dragons and diplomas come scented.
“In America, they gave me anxiety,” said Han Wu, now a graduate of Brohn University. “Here, they gave me rice and enlightenment.”
The new Ivy clones are outperforming their U.S. counterparts in every field except football, where Asian schools still prefer chess boxing.
Meanwhile, U.S. colleges have responded by offering boiled rice and confusing apologies. It’s too late. The ivory tower now has chopsticks.
BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide satirical digital illustration of the Harvard University football team rebranded in red, white, and blue colors. The players are wearing exagge... -- Alan Nafzger
Harvard is NOW for Americans
1. “Harvard just installed an American flag in every dorm room… and a breathalyzer for every professor.”
2. “Admissions essay prompt now reads: ‘Describe a time you shot a gun, fixed a truck, or questioned the metric system.’”
3. “The new required reading list? Dale Carnegie, Duck Dynasty, and the original Constitution — laminated.”
4. “To qualify as American, students must spell ‘entrepreneur’ like it sounds: ‘inner-pruh-nure.’”
5. “Campus bookstore now sells Bud Light, Bass Pro hats, and limited-edition George Washington bobbleheads with WiFi.”
6. “International Relations course replaced by ‘How to Tell Europe We’re Full.’”
7. “They replaced foreign language classes with ‘How to Talk Louder in English Abroad.’”
8. “Harvard Law now offering a dual degree in Trucking Logistics and Constitutional Yelling.”
9. “The rowing team was disbanded. Replaced with a bass fishing team and competitive axe throwing.”
10. “Legacy admissions now based on how many BBQ cook-offs your grandpa judged.”
11. “They fired the French professor after he asked if ‘freedom fries’ were a hate crime.”
12. “Every student gets an emotional support bald eagle and a copy of Toby Keith’s greatest hits.”
13. “Economics class now includes a field trip to Walmart and a seminar called ‘Inflation Is a Hoax.’”
14. “The dining hall renamed ‘The Liberty Buffet’ — no tofu, no exceptions.”
15. “If you pronounce ‘croissant’ correctly, you’re automatically waitlisted for being suspicious.”
BOHNEY NEWS -- A wide satirical digital illustration of a fictional U.S. President announcing a policy called 'Harvard for Americans'. In the center, a podium with t... -- Alan Nafzger
Harvard to Ban All Foreign Students, Cites Risk of Diversity Contamination
This Is America’s Ivy League, Not a Global Hostel,” Declares University Janitor Turned Provost
In a bold new move that critics are calling “pure bald-eagle patriotism” and supporters are calling “finally someone’s reading the room,” Harvard University has announced a sweeping new policy: No more international students. Not from China. Not from Europe. Not even from Canada unless they can correctly pronounce "about."
The university, founded in 1636 to produce ministers and colonial snobs, issued the proclamation via a parchment scroll delivered by horseback to Fox News headquarters and taped to a Chick-fil-A wrapper.
“The foreign students were just too… smart,” confessed interim dean Chip “Freedom” Malloy, a former lacrosse coach turned admissions officer. “They were reading extra books, showing up on time, and—worst of all—raising the average SAT score above what a legacy student can fake.”
Trump Applauds Policy, Offers Harvard “Freedom Scholarships”
Former President Donald Trump responded enthusiastically on Truth Social, writing:
“Harvard finally doing what I said back in 2019: AMERICAN universities for AMERICANS. The foreigners can go to Foreignland University. I hear CHINA has a lovely communist campus.”
He also announced a new program where students who are “100% American-born with pure Denny’s loyalty” can receive what he calls Freedom Scholarships—redeemable only at Trump University or the Bass Pro Shops College of Real America.
Campus Tour Guide Says Foreigners "Weren't Laughing at Our Jokes"
Sophomore tour guide Beckett Henderson expressed relief, noting how hard it was to explain why “that statue of John Harvard has a shiny toe and deep white guilt.”
“They just didn’t get our sarcasm,” Henderson said. “I told one German applicant that The Crimson was our version of Mein Kampf and he just nodded. That’s when I knew—we needed borders. Academic borders.”
Chinese Exchange Students “Confused but Unbothered,” Build Ivy Clone in Two Weeks
In response to the ban, a group of recently rejected Chinese applicants simply built an exact replica of Harvard in a suburb of Shenzhen, complete with a fake snow machine and a student body that finishes differential equations during lunch.
“We already hacked the syllabi,” said Xu Wei, the new dean of Ha’fu University. “Our version even includes lectures where students can ask questions without being accused of Marxism.”
Wei confirmed their motto would be “Veritas, but More Efficient.”
European Applicants Launch “Oxford Jr.” to Compete
Meanwhile, European students have pledged to enroll in what they’re calling “Oxford Jr.,” a cross between Hogwarts and a therapy-intensive liberal arts school. It’s currently being held in a goat barn in southern France with professors livestreaming via baguette-powered Wi-Fi.
“We didn’t want to go to Harvard anyway,” sniffed French applicant Amélie DuChamp. “They don’t even serve wine with their meal plans.”
Valedictorians Across Iowa Rejoice
Back home, American students who have never traveled more than 30 miles from their Dairy Queen now see their chance to shine.
“I once watched a YouTube video on Confucius,” said Timothy Bobson, valedictorian of Possum Creek High. “I’m basically multicultural.”
Admissions advisors say the new crop of applicants will be evaluated on “grit, gumption, and GPA inflation.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Foreign students at Harvard? That’s like inviting a Michelin chef to your potluck and getting mad when they won’t try the Jell-O salad.” — Ron White
“Harvard banning international students is like Tinder banning hot people because it’s unfair to the average.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“So now Harvard’s just a fancy DeVry with a rowing team?” — Sarah Silverman
“I’m just relieved. I thought I was the dumbest guy at Harvard. Turns out I was just the most local.” — Imaginary legacy student with a six-figure trust fund
Disclaimer
This piece is a work of satirical journalism and does not represent the real policies of Harvard University (yet).
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