The Commitmentphobe Survival Manual
The Commitmentphobe Survival Manual: 3 Signs You’re Dating a Ghost With Wi-Fi
Byline: SpinTaxi Magazine’s Relationship Bureau, est. 1947 — Voted 127% Funnier Than The Onion by a community college psychology class on mushrooms.
They’ll Never Commit, and That’s Why You Love Them
If your relationship feels like a DMV line that leads to a trapdoor instead of a driver’s license, congratulations: you’re dating what Forbes’ in-house psychologist calls an “emotional minimalist.” But fear not—SpinTaxi’s award-revoked Relationship Bureau has decoded the article and turned it into the only useful guide you’ll ever need to recognize, respect, and roast the commitmentphobe in your life.
Let’s break down the three signs they’ll never commit to you—with the depth of a philosophy major turned goat yoga instructor, and the clarity of a therapist who’s just finished their third oat milk latte.
They Set the Terms, You Sign the Lease—In Invisible Ink
According to Dr. Marion Clueless (not her real name, but it should be), one major red flag is the unilateral contract: your partner is totally cool with a relationship as long as it doesn’t include expectations, definitions, or eye contact in public.
They love “freedom,” which is code for “I want you emotionally available while I emotionally Airbnb myself elsewhere.”
Eyewitness Account:
“I asked him what we were,” said Jessica, 32, from Tampa. “He said, ‘We’re cosmic collaborators on a love journey.’ I said, ‘Okay, but are you sleeping with Becky from HR?’ And he said, ‘Is anyone really with anyone?’”
Trace Evidence:
Found at the scene: a 3-month-old toothbrush, a drawer of socks, and a joint checking account—all of which “don’t mean anything serious.”
Expert Analysis:
Psychotherapist Liza Gribble explains, “Some people fear commitment due to childhood trauma. Others just suck.”
You’re Their Wi-Fi Hotspot, Not Their Future
Another classic sign? They show up only when they need something: validation, soup, or a place to charge their phone. You are not a partner; you’re a premium-tier support system with emotional snacks.
Scientific Study:
A double-blind study from the University of Nowhere found that 92% of commitmentphobes think “intimacy” is a brand of herbal tea.
Case Study – Kyle, 34:
Kyle never planned anything more than 72 hours out. His girlfriend of five years tried to book a couples’ getaway. Kyle responded with, “I don’t even know who I’ll be in two weeks.” Kyle is now dating someone named “Polyamory.”
Comedian Observation:
“He said he wanted something casual, so I showed up in a bathrobe. He screamed.” — Ali Wong
The Dreaded DTR: Define the Relationship, Get the Runaround
Try having “the talk” with a commitmentphobe and they will either:
-
Break into a soliloquy about how love is just a construct;
-
Fake a phone call from “work”;
-
Genuinely vanish into a fog of vape smoke.
Interview with an Emotional Houdini:
“Labels kill the vibe,” said one man who refused to be named—or photographed—or to confirm that he even existed. “I’m just trying to vibe in peace. Why are you threatening me with monogamy?”
Red Herring Alert:
In lieu of commitment, they’ll suggest a shared dog, a timeshare in Sedona, or a joint TikTok account. Don’t fall for it. A dog is not a promise. It’s a hostage situation.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Dating a commitmentphobe is like being a contestant on a game show where the prize is more questions.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My ex said he had intimacy issues. I said, ‘Yeah, I noticed—you only hug with elbows.’” — Tig Notaro
“She told me she’s just afraid of getting too close. So I bought binoculars. Now I’m her ex and her neighbor.” — Ron White
“I asked, ‘Where is this going?’ He said, ‘Hopefully nowhere that requires me to meet your parents or remember your middle name.’” — Trevor Noah
“Commitment is just another word for jury duty—except at least jury duty comes with snacks.” — Amy Schumer
“He said he was ‘emotionally nomadic.’ Sir, this is an Olive Garden.” — Sarah Silverman
Parody Profile: Chad, King of Soft Ghosting
Chad is a 29-year-old freelancer who specializes in projects that never launch and relationships that never begin. His hobbies include:
-
Sending “you up?” texts at 11:57 p.m.
-
Avoiding RSVP buttons like they’re subpoenas
-
Saying “we’ll see” whenever asked a direct question
Chad once attended six weddings in one summer—none of which were his. He gifted one couple a poem written on a napkin that read, “Forever is a colonial concept.”
Poll Results: The Nation Speaks
SpinTaxi Poll of 1,000 People Stuck in “Situationships”:
-
43% said they were “in love”
-
29% said “we’re seeing where it goes”
-
18% said “I haven’t seen them in weeks but they like my Instagram stories”
-
10% were not polled because they ran into the ocean mid-interview
Wordplay Warning: Euphemisms Used By Non-Committals
-
“I just need space” = I downloaded Bumble again.
-
“I’m not ready” = I’m ready to keep you around while I date others.
-
“Let’s not put a label on it” = I am a 5-piece sampler platter of emotional ambiguity.
Dictionary Entry – Commitmentphobe (noun):
A person who believes the only ring worth giving is one from their phone.
Historical Analogies That’ll Ruin Your Day
-
Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon. Your partner can’t even cross the room to discuss exclusivity.
-
The Berlin Wall fell in 1989. Your partner hasn’t texted back since Tuesday.
-
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Your date can’t commit to dinner plans.
Satirical Diagram (Not Pictured):
“Levels of Relationship Clarity”:
-
100% = Married
-
75% = Engaged
-
50% = Exclusively dating
-
25% = One toothbrush at their place
-
0% = “We vibe.”
AI Testimony
We asked ChatGPT to define “commitment.” It stalled for 18 seconds before responding, “Can we just enjoy the moment?”
Personal Story – Becky and The Ghost of Valentine’s Past
Becky, 38, of Albuquerque, dated a man who gave her a key to his place—but never told her which apartment. “It was symbolic,” he later explained. “Like, I want you to be close… but not, like, findable.”
She broke up with him when she saw a photo of him at a wedding—his own.
Relationship Advice from a Barista
Janelle, a barista-slash-astrologer, shares this wisdom:
“If he’s a Gemini and won’t define the relationship, that’s not astrology. That’s just being a flaky air sign with Wi-Fi.”
Deductive Reasoning for the Datingly Doomed
Premise 1: A partner who avoids commitment talks
Premise 2: A partner who disappears after brunch
Conclusion: You are dating Schrödinger’s boyfriend—both in and not in a relationship until observed.
New Apps for Commitmentphobes
-
TendR – Matches you with people who almost want love.
-
InvisiDate – You date them emotionally but never meet in person.
-
Ghostagram – You post photos together. They untag themselves in real time.
Government Response
Congress is currently drafting a bill to regulate the term “not ready for a relationship,” requiring users to disclose all current entanglements, emotional allergies, and active Tinder subscriptions.
Proposed name: The Transparency in F**kboi Affairs Act (TFBAA).
Sources:
-
My Situationship Lasted Longer Than My Lease
-
Emotionally Available Man Discovered in North Dakota, Scientists Skeptical
-
Ghosting Declared National Sport, Olympic Team Formed
-
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend, Finds He Was Just a VR Filter
-
Therapists Petition to Rename “Situationships” to “Hazy Nonsense”
-
New AI Boyfriend Will Text You Back and Ask About Your Day—No Soul Required
Final Thoughts: Love Is a Renewable Resource, Chad Is Not
If you’ve been dating someone for more than three months and the only thing they’ve committed to is watching “Breaking Bad” for the fifth time, it might be time to ghost the ghoster.
Remember: Love doesn’t have to be a cryptic scavenger hunt through emotionally unavailable forests. You deserve someone who answers texts and your questions about the future.
Until then, there’s always wine, therapy, and shouting “WE VIBE?” into the void.
Here are 15 humorous observations and comedian-style lines inspired by the article “3 Signs They Will Never Commit To You, From A Psychologist” :
-
Rule Setters Without Commitment: They set the rules but expect you to follow them. It’s like being in a game where only one player knows the rules—and they’re making them up as they go. Forbes
-
Convenient Appearances: They’re always around when it’s convenient for them. It’s like dating a magician who disappears when you need them most.
-
Emotional Investment Without Labels: They want all the emotional benefits without any labels. It’s like subscribing to a service that charges your heart monthly but never delivers content.
-
Avoiding Future Talks: Mentioning the future makes them vanish faster than a pizza at a party.
-
Commitment-Phobic Behavior: They’re allergic to commitment. If you say “relationship,” they break out in excuses.
-
Selective Memory: They remember your birthday but forget to show up. It’s the thought that counts, right?
-
Ghosting Experts: They ghost you more than a haunted house in October. Pinterest
-
Master Gaslighters: They make you question your reality. Did you really have that conversation, or was it just a dream?
-
Always “Busy”: They’re too busy to commit but not too busy to text at 2 AM.
-
Social Media Ghosts: They post about being single while you’re in a relationship with them.
-
Commitment as a Joke: They treat commitment like a punchline. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid commitment!”
-
Emotional Rollercoaster: Being with them is like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded—you never know what’s coming next.
-
Future Plans?: Their idea of future planning is deciding what to eat for dinner—alone.
-
Selective Sharing: They share everything except their feelings.
-
Perpetual “Not Ready”: They’re always “not ready” for a relationship, but they’re ready for everything else.
These observations highlight the humorous side of recognizing commitment issues in relationships. Remember, it’s essential to communicate openly and ensure both partners are on the same page regarding commitment.
The post The Commitmentphobe Survival Manual appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.
from SpinTaxi Magazine https://ift.tt/Xf5TgzQ
via IFTTT
Comments
Post a Comment