Emotionally Available Man Discovered in North Dakota
Emotionally Available Man Discovered in North Dakota, Scientists Skeptical
Byline: SpinTaxi’s Department of Mythical Beasts and Dating Anomalies
Location: Bismarck, ND – Emotionally frozen tundra with intermittent warmth
North Dakota Yields Rare Find: Man With Fully Operational Feelings
In what is being called the “archaeological discovery of the decade” by romance-starved therapists nationwide, a 34-year-old man described as “emotionally available, communicative, and not allergic to vulnerability” has been discovered living just outside Minot, North Dakota.
The find has left the scientific community reeling.
“He listens, he makes eye contact, he validates feelings… it’s either a hoax or divine intervention,” said Dr. Tammy Krill, a relationship anthropologist who studies extinct male emotional responses. “The last time we saw behavior like this was in a 1994 Nora Ephron film.”
Who Is This Unicorn?
Identified only as Evan T. for security purposes—and to prevent a nationwide stampede of Bumble users—this North Dakotan anomaly reportedly responded to a simple, “How was your day?” with an unprompted, multi-paragraph answer that included emotional nuance, a personal anecdote, and—brace yourself—a reflective question in return.
“He actually asked me how I felt about something,” said researcher Carla Binstock. “I fainted.”
Early Red Flags That Weren’t Actually Red Flags
Initial reports described Evan as “a man who texts back,” which led experts to assume he was a bot, an FBI honeypot, or a Buddhist monk in disguise. However, field interviews and exposure therapy confirmed his authenticity.
“He knew his attachment style. He had been to therapy voluntarily. He even journaled,” said Dr. Ross Fleener of the American Institute of Relationship Studies. “At one point, he said the phrase, ‘I can hold space for your sadness.’ I haven’t cried that hard since my divorce hearing.”
Skepticism Runs Deep
Not everyone is buying it.
“There’s no way he’s real,” argued podcast host and part-time pickup artist Daxx Inferno. “He’s probably Canadian. Or worse—raised by lesbians.”
Several leading evolutionary biologists concurred, suggesting Evan may be a new sub-species: Homo Feelicus, a rare offshoot of man who survived the Ice Age of Emotional Repression and emerged fluent in both communication and accountability.
Local Women React
SpinTaxi reporters embedded at the nearby gas station where Evan reportedly complimented a stranger’s scarf “without ulterior motive” found women torn between hope and fear.
“After he held the door open and said, ‘You deserve to feel safe in the world,’ I cried in the dairy aisle,” said 41-year-old Wendy Klumm. “Then I Googled his name with the words ‘sex cult’ and ‘fraud charges.’ Nothing. Just a LinkedIn page with real endorsements. This man is terrifying.”
Evan’s Statements Only Deepen the Mystery
When asked to comment on his groundbreaking empathy, Evan responded, “I just think it’s important to be present with people. Everyone’s carrying something.”
A nearby scientist screamed and dropped his clipboard. “He didn’t say ‘not all men’ or quote Joe Rogan. This is either the Messiah or the Matrix.”
Government Involvement Suspected
Conspiracy theorists have already weighed in. A Twitter thread with over 75,000 likes suggests Evan is a DARPA project designed to test female emotional regulation in the wild.
Others suspect China may have launched an “emotional sleeper agent” to destabilize American dating culture. “This is psychological warfare,” said retired Colonel Martin Phelps. “First TikTok, now this.”
Evidence Points to the Unthinkable: He’s Just a Decent Dude
Despite intense probing—emotional, intellectual, and otherwise—no flaws have been found.
“He has a stable job, calls his mom weekly, and ended a past relationship respectfully without blaming astrology or trauma dumping,” said SpinTaxi’s field correspondent Rainy Lourdes. “We even sent a fake ex to his house. He apologized for how things ended and offered to help her move.”
Social Media Reacts
TikTok exploded with takes on #EmotionallyAvailableMan:
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One creator posted a satirical “How to Capture and Sedate Your Own Evan” tutorial using sage, talk therapy brochures, and gluten-free cookies.
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Another claimed Evan was “a feminine-coded AI wrapped in a Patagonia fleece.”
Reddit’s r/RelationshipsMod offered its own theory: “He’s just a lesbian trapped in a lumberjack’s body.”
Comedian Round-Up
Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with emotional availability? It used to be something women wanted. Now it’s a national emergency.”
Ali Wong: “He’s emotionally intelligent, owns a bed frame, and has read bell hooks. This is how The Purge starts.”
Bill Burr: “No man from North Dakota says, ‘Tell me more about your boundaries.’ That’s either CIA or sorcery.”
Satirical Studies Emerge
The University of Wisconsin-Madison has announced an emergency minor in Evan Studies, with coursework covering:
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Active Listening for Extinct Masculinity
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Eye Contact 101
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Advanced Empathy Without Oversharing
Course materials include Evan’s grocery list and screenshots of supportive texts he’s sent during difficult menstrual cycles.
The Vatican Weighs In
The Pope has issued an informal blessing on Evan’s existence, declaring him “a miracle of the Midwest” and assigning three cardinals to investigate whether sainthood or cloning is the best path forward.
Walmart Sells Out of Therapy Journals
Retail giant Walmart has reported an unexpected spike in purchases of self-help books, flannel shirts, and organic candles since the news broke.
An inside source revealed a new line of Evan-inspired products is already in development:
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The Feelings Flask: Hydrates your thirst and your trauma
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Emotionally Available Action Figure: Comes with a reusable grocery bag and copies of The Body Keeps the Score
Closing Thoughts: Is He the First of His Kind—or the Last?
As the world waits to see if Evan is an evolutionary one-off or the opening act of a more conscious generation of emotionally articulate men, one thing is certain: North Dakota will never be the same.
A statue is already being planned outside Bismarck featuring Evan holding a crying baby, a scented candle, and an open copy of Attached. The plaque will read:
“He listened. He stayed. He hugged with both arms.”
The post Emotionally Available Man Discovered in North Dakota appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.
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