Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Burnham Launches New British Industrial Revolution, Factories Asked to Restart Once Electricity Becomes Affordable Prime Minister promises Britain will manufacture the technologies of tomorrow just as soon as someone finds an affordable way to switch the machinery on LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to revive British industry, setting the nation the modest goal of reversing several decades of deindustrialisation while keeping energy prices high enough to make boiling a kettle feel like a discretionary capital investment. The backdrop is grim. The Telegraph's account of the Labour conference describes a Nissan plant running at half capacity, a nationalised steelworks bleeding cash, and three silent factories at the Saltend chemicals park in Hull. Westminster looked at all this and declared an industrial renaissance. Britain is back. It simply needs factories, cheap power, skilled workers, investment, planning permission and, if the current plan holds, sev...

Burnham Discovers Cheapest Way to Create New Entitlement Is to Make Old Entitlement Slightly Worse Prime Minister unveils revolutionary fiscal principle: save money on pensions, spend the savings before lunch, call both decisions responsibility LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has produced a solution to Britain's public finance problems so elegant that economists have been seen sitting in car parks afterwards, just staring. The plan is this: make one enormous government promise a bit stingier, then take the money you've saved and use it to build a different enormous government promise next door. Treasury insiders have already named the technique the Westminster Conservation of Spending Principle, under which public money can be neither created nor destroyed, only moved into a department with a fresher logo and a lanyard budget. The Wall Street Journal's editorial board points out that Burnham's pension reforms arrive hand in hand with plans for a hefty new Natio...

Prince William Unveils Highly Effective Strategy for Avoiding Royal Drama: Refuse to Speak to Anyone Involved Future king perfects ancient royal technique of remaining completely silent while anonymous sources provide a minute-by-minute description of how furious he is LONDON — Prince William has reportedly discovered the most effective method yet devised for avoiding royal family drama: never speak directly to anyone involved, while allowing Britain's enormous Royal Source Industrial Complex to explain precisely why you are not speaking to them. The strategy arrives amid renewed attention on Earl Spencer's memoir about Princess Diana and the continuing public fascination with William's relationship with Prince Harry. InStyle reports that William and Catherine have deliberately stayed out of the controversy and concentrated on public duties, a technique royal commentator Jennie Bond described as effective. This represents an important development in conflict resolution,...

Newsweek Discovers Credibility Is Apparently an Outdated Concept Newspaper Assures Readers That Changed Accounts May Mean Nothing, Accidentally Invents Legal System Based Entirely on Vibes ITHACA, NEW YORK — America's ongoing effort to determine what happened inside a Cornell University fraternity house has received invaluable assistance from Newsweek, which has apparently discovered that one of humanity's oldest methods for evaluating factual claims, comparing what somebody says today with what they said yesterday, may be embarrassingly old-fashioned. Newsweek's "So What?" Headline on the Cornell Jane Doe Case The publication ran the admirably relaxed headline "So What if Cornell's Jane Doe Changed Her Story?" "So what?" That is certainly one approach. It is also what my uncle used to say when the odometer on the used Buick mysteriously lost 40,000 miles. The Cornell Chi Phi Allegations... - Newsweek's headline, "So Wh...

Harry and Meghan Hold Hands at Falkland Arms Pub as British Press Declares National Intimacy Alert Sussexes Enjoy Quiet Lunch at Great Tew Pub, Accidentally Generate 47 Royal Exclusives Before Dessert GREAT TEW, OXFORDSHIRE | Britain narrowly survived another constitutional emergency Thursday when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were photographed holding hands while going to lunch at the Falkland Arms, forcing newspapers across the kingdom to activate emergency supplies of psychologists, royal insiders, relationship experts and people capable of interpreting what Meghan's left thumb was doing. The original report says Harry and Meghan ate lunch at the Falkland Arms in Great Tew on October 1 and were photographed walking hand-in-hand. Harry wore jeans, a navy jacket, sunglasses and a Santa Barbara Fire Department cap. For normal married couples, this is called Thursday. For the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, it is apparently PACKING ON THE PDA. Britain immediately raised the Nationa...

Chinese Spy Plot Foiled After America Discovers Espionage Apparently Now Comes With iCloud Backup Alleged Beijing surveillance operation becomes Spy vs. Spy episode in which everybody has smartphones, cloud storage and apparently no adult supervision LOS ANGELES — American counterintelligence officials have allegedly disrupted a Chinese espionage operation after noticing that modern spying has evolved from invisible ink, hollow coins and poison-tipped umbrellas into snapping pictures in suburban Seattle and letting the evidence sync automatically to the cloud. Federal authorities arrested Wanying “Heather” Zhang, 34, at Los Angeles International Airport on Sunday, just before a flight to Shanghai, and charged her with acting as an unregistered agent of the People’s Republic of China. According to the criminal complaint, as described by CBS News and Fox News, investigators allege Zhang traveled to Seattle in 2025, surveilled a close relative of Taiwanese President Lai Ching-te, and ...

Harry and Meghan Christmas Plans: Harry Wants Britain, Meghan Wants California, Royal Press Deploys Correspondents to Cover Revolutionary Concept of Marriage Meghan wants California. Harry reportedly wants the family to stay in Britain until spring. Fleet Street responds to ordinary holiday negotiations by activating the Royal Marital Emergency Broadcasting System. LONDON — Britain entered a state of seasonal constitutional uncertainty this week after reports emerged that Prince Harry would like to spend Christmas in Britain while Meghan would prefer to return to California, revealing for the first time that married people occasionally disagree about where to spend the holidays. Reality Tea, citing reporting based on an unnamed source, says Meghan would like the family to return to California around Thanksgiving and remain through Christmas, while Harry reportedly wants them to “stay put at least until Spring” as the family settles into Britain. The report characterises Meghan as f...