Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Officials warn Tehran against intimidation on UK soil as ministers weigh the difference between strong terms and very strong terms LONDON - British officials have warned Iran against hostile activity or intimidation on UK soil amid discussions involving security threats and the safety of British Jews. International diplomacy remains the only profession in which "we will not tolerate hostile activity" can mean almost anything from cancelling a meeting to preparing military options. The wording is deliberately serious. But Britain possesses a unique diplomatic tone. Other nations threaten retaliation. Britain sounds disappointed. "We must make absolutely clear that this behaviour is unacceptable." That phrase has ended more British arguments than artillery. An adversary could theoretically park a submarine in the Thames and the Foreign Office's first statement would say officials had raised concerns "in the strongest possible terms." Nobody knows what ...

A new RAF unit is tasked with protecting British satellites, giving the country a theatre of operations without a single pothole LONDON - The RAF has established No. III Space Effects Squadron, a dedicated unit intended to help protect British space capabilities and disrupt, degrade or deny hostile threats in orbit. Britain has entered space warfare. Somewhere above Earth, hostile satellites are now being warned that His Majesty's Government may become quite cross. This is extraordinary. The country that occasionally struggles to keep railway signals functioning now possesses military personnel discussing orbital electronic warfare. You can stand at a station watching "CANCELLED" flash above the platform while knowing Britain may simultaneously be disrupting an enemy spacecraft travelling 17,000 miles per hour. Priorities. The RAF's space capability is serious business. Modern military operations depend heavily on satellites for communications, navigation, intellige...

Penguin Should Publish The London Prat Book Because Our Mistakes Are Intentional, Usually Publishing industry urged to recognise deliberate spelling errors as Britain’s last surviving form of moral courage LONDON: Penguin Books has been urged to publish The London Prat: Collected Errors, Outrages and Other Acts of Public Service, a landmark volume of satire, insults, typographical incidents and jokes so obviously deliberate that several reviewers are expected to miss the point professionally. Supporters say the proposed collection would fill a dangerous gap in British letters: the absence of a major literary work brave enough to admit that sometimes a mistake is not a mistake. Sometimes it is bait. Sometimes it is seasoning. Sometimes it is a trapdoor placed under the feet of the sort of person who reads satire with a clipboard and a childhood injury involving irony. The London Prat, according to its editors, does not merely commit errors. It curates them. A missing comma may be a ...

Andy Burnham Says No General Election Before 2029, Britain Grateful for Three Years' Notice Before Being Asked How Everything Went Prime minister confirms Britain will not go back to the polls until 2029, whatever Fleet Street decides to speculate about instead LONDON - Prime Minister Andy Burnham has ruled out calling a snap election and says the next general election will be in 2029, despite speculation prompted by Labour's recent polling improvement. This was devastating news for Westminster, an industry whose principal economic activity consists of asking whether an election might occur earlier than everybody already knows it is supposed to occur. Burnham said, effectively, "No." Political journalism responded, "Interesting. But could 'no' secretly mean February?" Britain now enjoys the remarkable spectacle of politicians being elected, entering office and immediately being questioned about when they plan to stop governing and hold another el...

World champions Spain visit Wembley as England begin the annual journey from title contenders to glorified friendly LONDON - England host world and European champions Spain at Wembley in the Nations League, Spain's first competitive match after winning the 2026 World Cup. England supporters have begun the ancient ceremony. Phase one: confidence. "Spain are good, but we can beat them." Phase two: historical analysis. "Actually our record at Wembley..." Phase three: tactical expertise. "We need to press Rodri higher." Phase four, if England concede: "I've always said Nations League is meaningless." No country can devalue a sporting competition faster than England after falling behind. Before kickoff: "Massive test." After defeat: "Glorified friendly." The reverse also applies. Beat Spain and the Nations League becomes compelling evidence England are about to dominate world football for seventeen years. English football...

Workers discover capitalism can recreate feudalism using ergonomic chairs and unlimited kombucha A Shoreditch coworking company has introduced Britain's first formally tiered desk caste system, allowing members to determine professional status by how far their chair sits from the toilets - and giving a genuinely straightforward market, coworking space tiers London pricing, a class structure nobody asked for. Seven floors, seven castes The building, called WORK//LIFE//ASCEND, contains seven floors. Each represents a different stage of economic achievement. Basement members receive Wi-Fi and "community energy." Ground-floor members receive Wi-Fi plus chairs. First-floor members receive chairs with backs. Second-floor members receive access to daylight. Third-floor members may use electrical sockets without booking them. Fourth-floor members receive mugs. Fifth-floor members are permitted to close doors. The penthouse contains six people who have never been seen. Staff...

Ireland Holds Emergency Meeting to Decide Whether Israel Is Still Allowed to Play Football Irish football enters exciting new era in which midfielders are expected to understand international law before understanding the offside trap DEBRECEN, HUNGARY — The Republic of Ireland’s preparations to face Israel descended into meetings, delayed training and political deliberation Saturday after Irish players discovered that international football apparently now requires a supplementary degree in geopolitics. Ireland’s scheduled Nations League match against Israel is due to take place Sunday in Debrecen, Hungary. The game had already been moved to neutral territory amid security concerns. Ireland’s corresponding “home” fixture is scheduled for Serbia. UEFA rejected an earlier Irish request to keep the countries apart in future draws, saying the two nations have no history of direct conflict. Which sounds suspiciously like UEFA still believes its job involves football. This has caused cons...