Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Egyptian Submarine Sinks Because Somebody Forgot to Close the Hatch Why 97.3% of Americans Wouldn't Board Anything Egyptian (Not Even a Sandal) Egypt called it a "technical oversight," which is a charming way of saying someone forgot to shut the front door-to the ocean. That's not a minor misstep; that's a full-blown "welcome mat for Poseidon." Submarines, historically and scientifically, function best when less of the surrounding sea is invited inside for tea. When your billion-dollar aquatic war machine becomes a colander, that's not oversight-that's undersight. The Egyptian Ministry of Defense insists this was merely a "procedural lapse," as if someone forgot to sign the guest book at a wedding, not flood an entire vessel with Neptune's bathwater. At least the crew was prepared: one sailor reportedly tried to plug the hatch with a travel pillow and sheer optimism. It's the first time in naval history that a submarine was sun...

Bezos in the Basilica: The Billionaire Who Rented Venice for Love VENICE, ITALY – In a move widely described as “slightly modest for a demigod,” Jeff Bezos—Amazon founder, part-time astronaut, and full-time bicep enthusiast—has reportedly rented the entire city of Venice for what insiders are calling “the wedding of the millennium, or at least the most expensive one since Cleopatra married her reflection in a golden mirror.” Sources close to the couple say the ceremony, scheduled for sometime between now and the climate apocalypse, will be an intimate 4,000-person event featuring aerial ballet, canal-based holograms, and a celebratory airlift of the entire Doge’s Palace to a secret off-shore tax haven. Earth Wasn’t Enough When Bezos proposed to Lauren Sánchez aboard a 417-foot yacht that looks like a Bond villain’s summer home, many thought he’d peaked. But apparently Earth’s oceans, stratosphere, and private islands just weren’t romantic enough. Venice, it seems, had the right mix of ...

Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch Group Chat Tulsi Gabbard adds traitorous Marxist to Pentagon planning thread, citing autocorrect, spiritual confusion, and “the healing power of open dialogue.” WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what security analysts are calling “the boldest soft launch of Communism since Bernie Sanders posted shirtless from the sauna,” U.S. Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard admitted this week that she “accidentally” added a self-described “traitorous Marxist” to a top-secret group chat discussing imminent airstrikes in Syria. The Marxist, later identified as Carl “The Dialectic” Mendelbaum, reportedly offered no input on coordinates, but did suggest renaming the mission Operation Proletarian Regret and called drone strikes “an extension of bourgeois impotence.” “I thought I was inviting Colonel Mendenhall,” Gabbard told Congress. “But my phone autocorrected to Mendelbaum. Honest mistake. Both are men in their 60s with problematic facial hair.” Lawmak...

Coffee, Karma & Cardio: How to Meet a 'Quality Woman' Without Getting Pepper-Sprayed A Bold New Era of Dating: Powered by Caffeine, Charitable Guilt, and Yoga Pants It’s 2025, and the dating world is officially more complex than a government grant application written in Sanskrit. The latest oracle of wisdom? A “professional dating coach” who charges $997 for a five-week Zoom class titled “Flirting with Intention: From Friend Zone to Bone Zone.” In a Men’s Journal article that reads like the lovechild of Cosmo and a Navy SEAL field manual, this dating guru reveals three “elite” places to meet “quality women.” That’s right. Not women. Not decent human beings. Quality women. Like leather goods or sushi-grade tuna. The places? Yoga studios Coffee shops Volunteer events That’s right. In a world drowning in dating apps, algorithms, and emotional unavailability, the real answer was Pilates and soup kitchens all along. Let’s investigate these sacred spaces—armed with evidence, sarc...

Taylor Swift Was NOT Punched in the Face! Millions of Americans Devastated to Learn Taylor Swift Was NOT Punched at the AFC Championship Nation Spirals into Existential Crisis After Fake Story Crumbles Millions of Americans experienced a profound sense of disappointment and outrage upon discovering that  Taylor Swift  was  not , in fact, punched in the face during Travis Kelce’s  AFC Championship  game. The nation, already teetering on the edge of a full  mental breakdown , plunged deeper into despair upon realizing that the viral rumor was completely false. Reports originally claimed that Swift had been violently struck, that police officers laughed at the incident, and that she had been rushed to the hospital—a story so dramatic that it temporarily distracted America from its usual obsession with  fast food  lawsuits and political outrage. But the truth? Nothing happened. And now, millions of Americans are struggling to cope with the fact that, ...