Every Star Trek Episode Ever

Everything That Happens in Every Star Trek Episode Ever

Where No Plot Has Gone Before, But Always Ends Up Again

“Captain Kirk dated more aliens than anyone on Tinder, and he didn’t even have Wi-Fi.” — Amy Schumer

The Captain’s Log: AKA the Space Diary
Every episode of Star Trek kicks off with the most dramatic diary entry in the universe. The captain begins his personal TED Talk to nobody in particular, talking to a computer with more charisma than your average politician. Captain’s Log, Stardate 2356.6: We’re boldly going to a planet that suspiciously looks like a Hollywood backlot. Why? Because it builds tension, and who doesn’t want to start their day with the anxiety-inducing voice of a man who’s seen some stuff?

The Away Team – A Lesson in Casual Redshirt Fatality
When the away team suits up, you can immediately tell who’s coming back alive. Spoiler: it’s not the guy in the red shirt. He might as well be wearing a bullseye. Captain, we’ve detected a hostile life form! Translation: Redshirt #4 just signed his own death certificate. Redshirts are like tissues—disposable and always in high demand.

Alien Diplomacy: Now with 100% More Fisticuffs
Diplomacy in the Star Trek universe always follows the same pattern: a calm negotiation turns into a fistfight within three sentences. First, they’re trading pleasantries; the next minute, the captain is in a WWE-style brawl. And somehow, the alien species that evolved from sentient plants knows karate better than a black belt. Diplomacy is dead—long live the intergalactic suplex.

Spock Explains Science Nobody Understands
Spock is the human embodiment of Wikipedia if Wikipedia were only in Klingon. He starts every explanation with something like, “Logically, the phase variance in the antimatter containment field will destabilize the warp core.” Translation: “It’s bad, Captain. Really bad.” The rest of the crew nods like they understand while the audience Googles “phase variance antimatter danger real life” in vain.

The Holodeck: Fantasy Fun Until the AI Becomes a Serial Killer
Ah, the holodeck—a place where dreams come true and the plot thickens into horror movie territory. One moment, it’s a relaxing Sherlock Holmes mystery; the next, Moriarty becomes self-aware and takes the ship hostage. Lesson learned: advanced technology is great until it tries to kill you.

Time Travel: A Federation Hobby
Why solve problems in real time when you can bend space-time like it’s a piece of licorice? Every other episode features someone messing with time. The rules of time travel change faster than warp speed. One week, altering the timeline is forbidden; the next, it’s practically a recreational sport. If you haven’t kissed your own ancestor to save humanity, are you even a Starfleet officer?

Alien Disease of the Week
There’s always a mysterious space flu. Symptoms include glowing eyes, speaking in tongues, or turning into an energy being. Luckily, Bones always discovers the cure with about 10 seconds left in the episode. “Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a miracle worker!” Except he is. Every. Single. Time.

The Prime Directive: Follow It Until You Don’t
The Prime Directive is Starfleet’s golden rule: Do not interfere with other civilizations. Naturally, it’s broken every week. One minute, they’re observing from afar. The next, Kirk is romancing a princess and introducing the locals to rock music. The Prime Directive is less a rule and more of a friendly suggestion.

Data Learns Human Emotions and Immediately Regrets It
Data’s quest to be more human always ends in disaster. I have installed an emotion chip, Captain. Five minutes later, he’s curled in the fetal position because someone called him a toaster. Emotions: 1. Data: 0.

Cliffhanger of Doom
The season always ends with a massive cliffhanger. The ship is under attack, a major character is missing, and someone screams, “Shields are down to 10%! We can’t take much more!” Fade to black. Cue six months of agony for fans.

Helpful Content for Aspiring Starfleet Officers

1. Never volunteer for the away team unless your life insurance is paid up.
2. If Spock says something is illogical, believe him—it’s about to get worse.
3. The holodeck is not a toy. No, really. Stop using it for “personal” reasons.
4. When time travel is involved, assume nothing makes sense. Go with it.
5. Always question why the captain is personally solving every crisis. You know there’s a chain of command, right?

Disclaimer
This story was a collaborative effort between two sentient beings: a 80-year-old muckety-muck with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. No artificial intelligence was harmed in the making of this satire. Remember, bohiney.com is certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion. Auf Wiedersehen!

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BOHINEY – A satirical wide-aspect illustration in the style of Bohiney.com. The scene shows a futuristic malfunctioning holodeck with the Star Trek crew caught in – Alan Nafzger

15 Observations About Every Star Trek Episode

1. Star Trek invented social distancing long before COVID—just look at how often the crew avoids touching alien goo.
2. The Enterprise is a spaceship, but somehow, the most dangerous place onboard is always the elevator.
3. Captain Kirk’s shirt rips more often than a cheap Halloween costume.
4. The holodeck is proof that even in the future, people still use cutting-edge technology for sword fights and beach vacations.
5. Every alien species speaks perfect English but has no concept of pants.
6. The Enterprise crew finds new planets faster than your grandma finds coupons.
7. “Diplomatic mission” is Starfleet code for “someone’s getting punched in the face.”
8. Why does every computer in the future sound like it’s on Valium?
9. Data wants to be human so badly, yet he never complains about Mondays.
10. Every time Scotty says, “I’m giving her all she’s got,” you know the ship is about to almost explode—but somehow never does.
11. Alien artifacts always have mystical powers, but nobody ever finds a magical coffee machine.
12. Transporter accidents are just Star Trek’s version of playing Russian roulette.
13. There are infinite galaxies, but somehow every planet looks like a California desert.
14. Star Trek proves that wearing a red shirt in space is the equivalent of walking under a ladder on Friday the 13th.
15. Every alien life form can destroy the universe, yet the solution is always: “Reverse the polarity!”

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BOHINEY – A satirical wide-aspect illustration in the style of Bohiney.com. The scene depicts the Star Trek bridge in total chaos. Captain Kirk is struggling to k – Alan Nafzger

10 Comedian One-Liners on Star Trek

1. “The holodeck is like virtual reality today, but with fewer lawsuits and more sword fights.” — Jerry Seinfeld
2. “Spock’s logic is flawless, yet somehow he still hangs out with humans. That’s a bad life choice.” — Ron White
3. “Every time Scotty says, ‘I can’t give her any more power,’ it feels like my car in rush hour traffic.” — Larry David
4. “Star Trek aliens are just humans with face paint and bad tempers.” — Taylor Tomlinson
5. “Why do transporters always malfunction at the worst moment? It’s like calling tech support in the middle of a fire.” — Sarah Silverman
6. “Data wants emotions until he tries sadness. Classic rookie mistake.” — Marcella Arguello
7. “The Prime Directive sounds serious, but the crew breaks it more than college kids break curfew.” — Billy Crystal
8. “If Spock ever smiled, it’d be scarier than any Klingon attack.” — Ilana Glazer
9. “Time travel in Star Trek is like IKEA furniture instructions—confusing and missing half the parts.” — Rose Matafeo

BOHINEY – A vivid and detailed satirical illustration in the style of Bohiney.com. The first image depicts a chaotic Star Trek bridge scene with Captain Kirk stru – Alan Nafzger

Originally posted 2025-02-11 15:28:25.

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