Pentagon Confirms New Coke-Detector Missile Program After Someone Misread the War on Drugs Literally

Military officials green-light $48 billion program after intern asks when they'll blow up cocaine

In a press briefing that left reporters blinking like raccoons in a flashlight beam, Pentagon officials confirmed the launch of the Coke-Detector Missile Initiative, a $48 billion program inspired by what sources say was "a very literal intern."
The intern, a Georgetown senior named Devin who thought "war on drugs" worked like "war on wasps," reportedly asked during a meeting, "So when do we blow up the cocaine?" Military officials, desperate for any idea that sounded decisive, immediately green-lit the concept.
Testing Troubles and Targeting Issues

Navy Thought Drug Boats Were Tiny Terrorist Aircraft Carriers
According to Pentagon spokesperson Riley Mann, the missile system can "identify cocaine signatures at up to 700 miles," which is impressive considering every test so far has mistaken powdered donuts, drywall dust, a CVS receipt, and one unlucky snowman for narcotics.
Weapons analyst Cerise Aldridge told us, "It's inevitable: every administration eventually funds one weapon that makes absolutely no sense. This is ours." She compared it to the Navy's famous "Invisible Submarine Project," which was later discovered to simply be "a submarine someone forgot to observe."
System Malfunctions and Miami Beach Chaos
The program has already run into challenges. First, the missiles sometimes detonate when encountering a Walgreens on sale day. Second, the targeting software apparently classifies Miami Beach as an "active war zone," causing the missile to scream in confusion and shut itself down.
Even so, the Pentagon insists the program is vital. "Smugglers will fear us," said Mann, "especially once we figure out how to stop the missile from attacking birthday cakes."
Public Opinion Split on Missile Program

Navy Admits Confusion Thought Drug Boats Were Tiny Terrorist Aircraft Carriers
Public response is split. A new Pew Research poll found 29% support the program, 42% oppose it, 19% said "Wait... what?" and 10% believed the missile was a new Elon Musk product.
The White House remains cautiously optimistic, stating that the coke-sniffing missile is "less concerning than the last plan, which involved arming dolphins with night-vision goggles."
Career Advancement for Chaos
Meanwhile, Devin the intern has been promoted to "Undersecretary of Unhinged Ideas," a position historically responsible for things like the hover-tank, the edible helmet, and the briefly approved "laser-fired subpoenas."
As comedian Bill Burr said about government spending, "They'll spend millions on anything as long as it sounds important and nobody asks questions."
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.

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