Nick Reiner Was a Poet

Alleged Killer Nick Reiner Found Penning "Oceanfront Confessions" in Santa Monica Hotel

Murder Suspect Composes Poetry While Awaiting on the Cops in Seaside Suite
LOS ANGELES – In what authorities are calling "both tragic and inexplicably aesthetic," Nick Reiner, 32, allegedly responsible for the deaths of his parents Rob and Michele Reiner, has reportedly been found composing poetry in his seaside hotel suite while awaiting trial. The discovery was made during a routine room sweep by Los Angeles Police Department officers and hotel security, who were reportedly "conflicted between arresting him and subscribing to his newsletter."
"He wasn't scribbling nonsense on a napkin," said Officer Greta Malloy. "No, these were full-fledged poems. Ocean views, linen counts… the works. I didn't know whether to arrest him or applaud him."
Below, Bohiney Magazine presents the poetic oeuvre found in Nick Reiner's hotel room, each accompanied by official reactions, social commentary, and a dash of aesthetic critique.

Ocean View Therapy: When Guilt Meets Golden Hour

The notebook containing the 'Ocean View Therapy' poem, with the ocean backdrop described in the section.
I killed my folks, the papers say,
Then booked a suite by the bay.
The water's calm, the linen's white,
I think I did the wrong thing… but the sunset's right.
Authorities report that "Ocean View Therapy" was penned in a spiral notebook titled Guilt With a View.
"It's unsettling," said a hotel housekeeper who asked to remain anonymous, "but the rhyme scheme is impeccable. He really captured the sunlight on the sheets."
Criminologists note that the poem demonstrates pre-meditation and aesthetic awareness, complicating any future insanity defense. A fake poll by Sunlit Crime Weekly indicated that 63% of respondents would consider viewing sunsets a legitimate form of moral processing, while 37% remained "morally horrified."

Room Service Confessions: Eggs, Existentialism, and Evidence

The hotel room service scene that inspired the 'Room Service Confessions' poem.
They brought me eggs, three ways, not two,
I swiped my card and wondered, "Who?"
The guilt is sharp, my coffee's hot,
At least in here, I'm having a thought.
Police reportedly found this poem on the hotel room's minibar receipt.
"The juxtaposition of eggs and existential dread is… chilling," said Dr. Margot Pine, professor of Criminal Aesthetics. "He's basically Monet with a criminal record."
Hotel staff reported that room service became a form of confessional therapy, with Reiner annotating each menu item like evidence in a courtroom drama.

Hunkered Down: Earl Grey and Ethical Evasion

The serene balcony setting described in the 'Hunkered Down' poem about tea and evasion.
Hunkered down, as cops draw near,
The concierge says, "Welcome, dear."
I stare at waves, I sip my tea,
Does ocean breeze absolve a me?
"It's performance art," said Officer Malloy. "A murder suspect calmly drinking Earl Grey while contemplating metaphysical absolution? That's new."
Observers have compared this poem to haiku-level efficiency in existential guilt, with some social media users calling Reiner "the Bob Dylan of moral ambiguity."

Marble Floors & Moral Flaws: Interior Design Meets Interior Turmoil

Marble floors beneath my feet,
The crime is bad, the decor is neat.
If ethics had a thread count, I'd be bare,
Yet here I am, enjoying fresh air.
Interior design bloggers, consulted for this story, confirmed that the hotel's marble floors are, indeed, Instagram-ready, though they failed to comment on the alleged homicide.
"It's fascinating," said one anonymous decorator. "You can feel the moral dissonance in the grout lines."
Legal experts caution that documenting the crime-adjacent lifestyle could be construed as evidence of planning and conscious moral awareness.

Wi-Fi Woes: When Technology Trumps Ethics

They caught me red-handed, I confess,
But the Wi-Fi signal caused me stress.
A murderer with bad reception, see?
Technology, not morality, worries me.
Hotel IT staff confirmed that the Wi-Fi in the suite was sporadically functional, prompting Reiner to write several stanzas blaming digital infrastructure rather than ethical failings.
"He really leaned into the technology excuse," said a network engineer who declined to give their name. "I've never seen someone conflate murder with buffering quite like this."
Social media reaction has been divided: some suggest lagging Wi-Fi is a legitimate mitigating factor, others insist "he still killed people, get over it."

Aesthetic Guilt: When Horror Meets High Design

Sunset glows on guilt and tide,
I check the minibar, nowhere to hide.
The horizon mocks my tragic flair,
Even in horror, one must care… for décor.
This poem, reportedly written while staring at a meticulously curated minibar, demonstrates Reiner's obsession with aesthetics even amid criminal allegations.
"It's macabre interior design," said Dr. Pine. "Even the minibar becomes part of the existential tableau. Truly horrifying and visually compelling."
Hotel management later confirmed that miniature bottles were restocked daily, despite ongoing investigations.

Official Reactions & Cultural Context

Police: "We're arresting him, not publishing his poems. Though… I guess we're reading them."
Legal Experts: "If anyone tries to claim insanity, these poems will be Exhibit A… in his aesthetic competence."
Satirists: "Nothing says 2025 justice like moral chaos with oceanfront ambiance."
Public Opinion: In a Bohiney Magazine poll, 42% thought the poems were oddly moving, 58% called them "morally repulsive but visually pleasant."
Disclaimer: This story is a satirical take on real events. No AI was responsible for the humor, and all poetic and absurd commentary is a collaboration between humans with questionable taste and a love of deadpan journalism.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos. https://bohiney.com/nick-reiner-was-a-poet/