New Planet: Glueto!

Astronomers Discover New Planet "Glueto," Immediately Get Stuck Explaining It

In a development that has thrilled scientists and terrified office supply stores, astronomers announced the discovery of a brand-new planet composed almost entirely of what appears to be Elmer's glue. The planet, named Glueto, was identified after several high-powered telescopes briefly bonded to each other and could not be separated without warm water and regret.
NASA insists the discovery is real, peer-reviewed, and not the result of someone spilling craft supplies into the Hubble control panel.

What Is Glueto?

Chemical makeup: Scientific data reveals Glueto's unusual adhesive planetary structure.
Glueto orbits a modest yellow star about 900 light-years from Earth, which means it has been sticky for a very long time. Scientists describe its surface as "viscous," "adhesive," and "emotionally needy."
According to planetary scientist Dr. Marjorie Klein, Glueto is roughly the size of Neptune but weighs significantly more because, as she put it, "once glue sets, it commits."
Spectral analysis shows the planet is composed of 87 percent polyvinyl acetate, 12 percent mystery residue, and 1 percent something no one wants to touch. This makes Glueto the first known celestial body capable of bonding wood, paper, fingers, and interstellar probes permanently.

The Discovery Accident

Glueto was discovered when a graduate student noticed that a Hubble Space Telescope lens cap would not come off.
"At first we thought it was user error," said the student, who asked to remain anonymous because his hands are still stuck together. "Then we realized the photons themselves were adhesive."
Further investigation revealed that any light reflecting off Glueto carries trace bonding agents. This explains why three satellites, a radio dish, and one intern are now technically a single object.

What the Experts Are Saying

Research complications: Scientists physically stuck while studying glue planet.
Astrophysicists are cautiously optimistic. Chemists are furious. Kindergarten teachers feel vindicated.
Dr. Leonard Whipp of the International Astronomical Union called Glueto "a breakthrough in planetary science and a nightmare for liability insurance."
"This challenges everything we know about planetary formation," Whipp said. "We used to think planets formed from dust and gas. Turns out some of them form from a giant bottle of glue someone left open in the universe."
Meanwhile, a materials scientist from MIT warned that if Glueto ever collides with another planet, "we may finally find out what happens when two celestial bodies refuse to let go of each other emotionally."

Potential for Life on Glueto

The obvious question is whether Glueto can support life. Scientists say yes, but only briefly.
Microbial Possibilities

The accidental discovery: How Glueto's stickiness revealed itself to astronomers.
Microbial life could theoretically survive in the upper glue clouds, feeding on airborne paper scraps and lost permission slips from Earth. However, anything larger than a bacterium would eventually become stuck to the surface, at which point evolution would stop out of embarrassment.
Astrobiologists speculate that if intelligent life exists on Glueto, it has evolved without limbs and communicates exclusively by passive-aggressive notes. For context on how astrobiology explores extraterrestrial life possibilities, NASA researchers continue to push boundaries on what we consider habitable.

Earthly Implications

The discovery has already sparked interest from corporations. Elmer's issued a statement saying they are "not affiliated with the planet but flattered by the comparison." NASA immediately clarified that Glueto is not eligible for trademark protection, no matter how on-brand it feels.
The Pentagon declined to comment but quietly asked whether the planet could be weaponized.
Wall Street reacted predictably. Craft supply stocks surged. Staples briefly rebranded itself as "Interstellar."

A Warning From the Cosmos

Sticky situation: Astronomers discover planet composed primarily of glue-like substances.
Scientists caution that Glueto serves as a lesson for humanity.
"This is what happens when you ignore the warning label," said Dr. Klein. "Somewhere in the universe, someone said 'I'll clean that up later,' and now we have a planet."
As telescopes continue to study Glueto, researchers are working on new instruments coated in nonstick surfaces and shame. The James Webb Space Telescope has reportedly refused to look directly at the planet, citing boundaries.
For now, Glueto remains out there, slowly orbiting its star, bonding with everything it encounters, a silent reminder that even the universe has craft time and poor cleanup habits.
Astronomers agree on one thing: if humanity ever lands on Glueto, it will be the first space mission to end with the phrase, "Hold still, I need scissors."
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos. https://bohiney.com/new-planet-glueto/