BREAKING NEWS: REPORTERS ARE STUPID…
BREAKING NEWS: REPORTERS ARE STUPID & CONTINUE TO REPORT THE OBVIOUS
A Special Investigation Into Journalism’s Most Obvious Statements
Reporters Keep Stating the Obvious, and We Have the Evidence
From hurricanes being “windy” to traffic being “slow,” reporters have a long history of delivering news that makes you wonder if they get paid by the word.
In a stunning revelation that has rocked absolutely no one, journalists have once again proven their commitment to stating the obvious. From live reports confirming that hurricanes are windy to urgent segments revealing that fire is hot, the news industry continues to break ground on information that most toddlers already understand.
The latest offender is former congressman Sean Duffy, who recently pointed out that when planes crash, they stop flying. This groundbreaking insight sent the media world into a frenzy, with outraged reporters accusing Duffy of stepping on their turf. “That’s our job,” one veteran anchor fumed. “We’re the ones who tell the public things they already know.”
But Duffy’s statement is just the tip of the iceberg. News segments regularly feature journalists standing knee-deep in floodwaters to announce that water is wet or braving subzero temperatures to confirm that snow is cold. Viewers at home, trapped in their own real-life experiences, are left wondering why the news insists on telling them what they can already see.
Experts have weighed in on this growing phenomenon, confirming that yes, it is possible for reporters to say things without adding any actual value. As journalism continues to devolve into a masterclass on pointing out the obvious, it’s time to ask the real question: Do we need the news to tell us that the sun will rise tomorrow?
“A journalist once reported that ‘rain makes things wet.’ Well, thank God they cleared that up, because I was about to put on my dry raincoat and stand outside with my dry socks.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Experts Confirm That Reality Still Exists
In a shocking turn of events, reporters across the nation have once again confirmed things that everyone already knows. From standing outside in hurricanes to announce that it’s windy to reporting that the ocean contains water, journalism continues to push the limits of stating the obvious. Critics argue that the trend has gone too far, but network executives insist that viewers need to be reminded of the basics—just in case they’ve forgotten.
Hurricane Winds Are, In Fact, Windy
A reporter braved the elements to inform the public that the Category 5 hurricane roaring through the coast was, indeed, producing strong winds. Standing outside in gale-force conditions, microphone clutched tightly, the journalist shouted over the howling storm, “The wind is really picking up here!” Viewers at home, already watching tree branches fly past their windows, appreciated the insight.
“I thought my house blowing away was a sign, but seeing a reporter almost get airborne confirmed it,” said one local resident. Meteorologists later verified that hurricanes do, in fact, contain wind, a fact that has been well-documented since hurricanes were first discovered.
“There’s always a guy standing outside in a hurricane yelling, ‘It’s very windy!’ We know, buddy. You could’ve stayed inside and told us that.” — Ron White
Water Discovered in the Ocean
In a groundbreaking segment, a news anchor announced that the ocean was full of water. A reporter, standing on a pier with waves crashing behind him, carefully scooped up a handful of seawater and let it drip through his fingers before turning to the camera. “This,” he declared, “is water.”
Scientists were called in to confirm this stunning revelation, and after extensive research, they agreed that the ocean does, in fact, contain water. Beachgoers, when interviewed, admitted they had suspected this for years but were relieved to have official confirmation.
Snow Confirmed to Be Cold
A field reporter bundled in three layers of clothing stood in a snowstorm to announce, “It’s really cold out here!” Viewers, some of whom had just shoveled their driveways, were astounded by the information. “I would have never guessed,” one skeptical resident said while scraping ice off his windshield.
A study conducted by the Weather Bureau found that 100% of all snow ever recorded was, in fact, cold. The scientific community has issued no formal statement, likely because they assume the general public already knows this.
Traffic Report: Cars in Traffic Are Moving Slowly
Morning news anchors excitedly cut to their live traffic correspondent, who stood on an overpass, solemnly reporting, “Cars are moving very slowly this morning.” Commuters stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic glanced at their radios in disbelief, muttering, “No kidding.”
Surveys showed that 99% of drivers suspected traffic was slow before the report, and the remaining 1% were on motorcycles weaving through the gridlock. Meanwhile, transportation officials reassured the public that the primary reason cars weren’t moving was that other cars were in the way.
Firefighters Confirm That Fire Is Hot
Following a warehouse fire, a local reporter on the scene bravely approached a firefighter and asked, “Is the fire hot?” The firefighter, covered in soot and visibly exhausted, paused before answering, “Yes, fire is typically very hot.”
The news segment then cut to an anchor in the studio who nodded gravely and added, “For those just tuning in, we have confirmed that fire is hot.” Scientists later corroborated this finding, stating that heat is a fundamental property of combustion.
Experts Shocked to Learn That Exercise Causes Tiredness
A health segment on morning television featured a groundbreaking discovery: people feel tired after exercising. The anchor, reading from a teleprompter, furrowed his brow and asked, “Could it be possible that physical activity leads to exhaustion?”
The news team brought in a fitness expert to investigate. After performing ten jumping jacks, he reported feeling “a little out of breath.” Viewers at home, most of whom had abandoned their New Year’s resolutions, were not surprised.
Scientists Announce That Money Is Required to Buy Things
A finance reporter stood outside a bank to deliver shocking news: money is needed for transactions. “Whether it’s a coffee, a car, or a house,” she explained, “you must exchange money to obtain these items.” Viewers took to social media to express their amazement at this revelation, with one user tweeting, “Next, they’ll tell us water is wet.”
Financial analysts debated whether further studies were necessary, but after several minutes of discussion, they concluded that money remains an important factor in commerce.
Authorities Reveal That Criminals Don’t Follow the Law
During a special report on crime, a news anchor delivered the stunning revelation that criminals do not always obey laws. “Experts suggest that those who commit crimes tend to break rules,” she reported. This sent shockwaves through the legal community.
Law enforcement officials, when pressed for comment, confirmed that they have observed this pattern for decades. Meanwhile, criminals, when asked if they planned to obey the law in the future, refused to provide clear answers.
Local Man Discovers That Eating Too Much Makes Him Full
A food critic recently conducted a personal experiment to determine if eating large amounts of food causes fullness. “I ate a large meal,” he explained, “and now I don’t feel hungry.” Scientists confirmed that stomachs can, in fact, reach capacity.
Nutritionists suggested that this phenomenon, long suspected but now scientifically verified, may explain why people stop eating when they feel full. The public remains divided on whether further research is needed.
Doctors Shocked to Learn That Sleeping Makes People Less Tired
In a startling medical breakthrough, researchers have discovered that sleeping reduces exhaustion. A morning news segment featured a sleep expert who explained, “People who don’t get enough rest tend to feel tired.” Viewers were captivated.
A study later confirmed that people who sleep feel more rested than those who don’t. The discovery is expected to revolutionize the way humans approach bedtime.
Weather Alert: Rain Is Making Things Wet
Live from the scene of a thunderstorm, a drenched news reporter announced, “The rain is making everything wet.” As raindrops bounced off her microphone, she continued, “You can see here that water is falling from the sky.”
Homeowners checking their leaking roofs nodded along as the report confirmed what they were already experiencing. Meteorologists later issued an official statement reinforcing the claim that rain, as a general rule, leads to wet conditions.
Airplanes Fly in the Sky, According to Aviation Experts
A recent airline segment tackled the age-old question: where do airplanes go? After consulting with aviation specialists, the news team was able to confirm that planes typically fly in the sky. “They take off, and then they are above the ground,” one analyst explained.
Passengers boarding flights expressed gratitude for the clarification, while pilots confirmed that flying remains the preferred method of air travel.
Think About Journalism Today…
“Reporters love to say things like ‘the store is closed because it’s not open.’ Yeah, and my brain is melting because you won’t stop talking.” — Larry David
“I saw a breaking news segment where a reporter told us ‘airplanes fly in the air.’ Incredible insight! What’s next? ‘Fish can swim’?” — Jon Stewart
“They once had a live news segment about a snowstorm where the reporter picked up snow and said, ‘This is snow.’ I’m glad we have experts.” — Sarah Silverman
Helpful Content for Bohiney Readers
If you find yourself questioning whether you need the news to tell you that the sun rises in the east, you’re not alone. Here are some handy tips for spotting painfully obvious journalism:
- If a reporter is standing outside in a blizzard telling you it’s snowing, trust your eyes.
- If a news anchor announces that time is passing, they may be struggling for material.
- If an expert guest is brought in to explain why water is wet, change the channel immediately.
Stay informed, but don’t let journalists waste your time reminding you of things you learned in kindergarten.
Disclaimer
This article is a human collaboration between a 80-year-old muckety-muck with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer, both of whom are very aware that wind is windy and that food makes you full. No artificial intelligence was harmed in the making of this satire, though a few journalists may have suffered bruised egos.
Originally posted 2025-02-01 13:56:11.
The post BREAKING NEWS: REPORTERS ARE STUPID… appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.
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