U.S. Patent Office Now Processing Applications for Time Machines, Portals
Manhattan Inventors Flood Agency with Impossible Devices, Clerks Unsure How to Respond
The United States Patent and Trademark Office announced this week that it has received over 4,000 patent applications for time travel devices, interdimensional portals, and other technologies that violate fundamental laws of physics, leaving patent examiners in the uncomfortable position of either rejecting applications based on scientific impossibility or accepting that maybe someone actually invented time travel and the Patent Office is the gatekeeper standing between humanity and temporal manipulation. The surge in impossible patent applications has created a backlog of science fiction proposals that clerks describe as “intellectually exhausting and possibly a sign that society has given up on reality-based innovation.”
“We’re receiving detailed patent applications for flux capacitors, wormhole generators, and devices that claim to reverse entropy,” explained Patent Office Director Marcus Webb during a Manhattan press conference where he appeared to be questioning his career choices. “These aren’t joke applications—they include technical drawings, mathematical proofs that don’t actually prove anything, and earnest claims that the inventor has solved problems Einstein said were unsolvable. Legally, we’re supposed to evaluate whether these inventions are novel, non-obvious, and useful. The bigger question is whether they’re physically possible, which typically isn’t our department. But when someone submits a patent for a machine that travels backward in time by ‘reversing quantum polarity,’ we’re forced to engage with that claim somehow.”
The influx appears to be driven by multiple factors including increased sci-fi content consumption, crypto-wealth funding questionable research, and what psychologists call “reality fatigue” where people have decided that if nothing makes sense anymore, they might as well invent impossible things because why not. “The 2020s have been weird enough that time travel doesn’t feel that implausible,” explained one Brooklyn inventor who submitted a patent for what he describes as a “temporal displacement device” that looks suspiciously like a modified microwave. “If NFTs can be worth millions and AI can write articles, why can’t I patent a time machine? The rules of reality seem negotiable lately. I’m negotiating.”
Patent examiners have developed informal guidelines for handling impossible applications, including “the laugh test” (if reading the application makes you laugh, it’s probably rejected), “the physics violation check” (does this break thermodynamics? Then no), and “the sincerity assessment” (is the applicant genuinely deluded or trolling us?). “Most applications fail all three tests,” admitted one examiner. “But we still have to write formal rejections explaining why time travel via ‘quantum crystalline resonance alignment’ isn’t patentable. I have a physics degree. I spent years studying actual science. Now I write letters explaining why perpetual motion machines violate conservation of energy to inventors who respond with YouTube videos as ‘proof’ their design works. This job has become weird.”
Some applications represent genuine attempts by credentialed scientists exploring theoretical physics, while others are submitted by individuals whose understanding of science comes primarily from watching “Back to the Future” and assuming Hollywood got the details right. “We received a patent application for a time machine that explicitly references the DeLorean and includes phrases like ‘just like in the movie,'” reported one examiner. “The application unironically suggests that flux capacitors are real and the applicant has simply improved on Doc Brown’s design. When we rejected it citing ‘fundamental impossibility,’ the inventor responded arguing that the movie proved it works. That was a difficult email to answer professionally.”
The Patent Office has convened an emergency panel of physicists to advise on applications that might theoretically be possible versus those that definitely violate known physics. “The panel immediately divided into two camps,” explained panel chair Dr. Sarah Martinez from Columbia University. “One camp argues we should reject anything that contradicts established physics. The other argues that many revolutionary inventions initially seemed impossible and we shouldn’t stifle innovation just because something seems improbable. They’re both right and wrong simultaneously, which is very on-brand for quantum mechanics discussions. We’ve resolved nothing except confirming that physicist panels are inefficient decision-making bodies.”
Several Silicon Valley startups have announced plans to commercialize “time travel technology” pending patent approval, attracting millions in venture capital despite having no functional products, no credible scientific basis, and founders whose qualifications include “really good at PowerPoint” and “watched a lot of Doctor Who.” “We’re disrupting the space-time continuum,” announced one startup CEO during a Manhattan pitch event. “Current time travel solutions are inadequate—namely, they don’t exist. We’re solving that problem with innovative approaches to temporal mechanics that definitely aren’t just CGI animations of swirling lights set to dramatic music. Invest now, time travel later. Or earlier. That’s how time travel works, right?”
The Patent Office has proposed new regulations requiring inventors claiming physics-breaking discoveries to provide working prototypes before patents are granted, which has been met with predictable outrage from inventors who argue that requiring proof is “anti-innovation” and “discrimination against visionaries who see beyond conventional physics.” “Requiring a working time machine before granting a time machine patent is tyranny,” insisted one inventor. “You’re stifling genius! What if I invented time travel but can’t prove it because the Patent Office demands unreasonable evidence like ‘demonstrating the invention actually works’? This is why America is falling behind in innovation! Other countries probably approve time travel patents without requiring proof!” When informed that other countries also require working prototypes, the inventor claimed those countries “don’t understand true innovation” and threatened to patent his time machine “in the past, before patents were invented.”
As the backlog grows and patience thins, Patent Office officials have suggested that perhaps society should redirect its innovative energy toward solving actual problems—climate change, disease, poverty—rather than attempting to invent technologies that violate fundamental physics. “We have real problems that need real solutions,” noted Director Webb. “But instead of applications for improved solar panels or medical devices, we’re getting time machines and portal guns. Maybe that says something about where we are as a civilization—so overwhelmed by actual problems that we’d rather imagine impossible solutions than tackle difficult but achievable ones. Or maybe people just really want time machines. Probably both. Either way, we’re rejecting your flux capacitor application. Please stop submitting them.”
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SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/u-s-patent-office/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
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