Texas Declares Independence Again, Forgets Why Last Time Didn’t Work Out

Manhattan Observers Note This Is at Least the Fourth Time This Decade

In a move surprising absolutely nobody who’s been paying attention to Texas politics for the past 180 years, the Texas state legislature voted 85-65 Thursday to declare independence from the United States, citing grievances that include federal regulations, cultural differences, and what one representative described as “general annoyance with being told what to do by people who don’t understand our unique Texan way of life, which is essentially just being contrarian about everything.” This marks the fourth serious independence declaration Texas has issued since 2020, and approximately the 47th since rejoining the Union in 1870 after that whole Civil War thing didn’t work out as planned.

“We’re done being part of a country that doesn’t respect our values,” announced Texas Governor Marcus Webb during a press conference in Austin, standing in front of a flag that had been hastily modified to remove the other 49 stars. “Texas is better off as an independent nation. We have our own power grid, our own economy, our own culture, and our own sense of identity. We don’t need the United States.” When reminded that the Texas power grid famously collapsed during a winter storm and required federal assistance, Webb called that question “hostile propaganda from the fake news media” and ended the press conference.

Manhattan political analysts watching the announcement experienced what one described as “aggressive déjà vu mixed with exhausted acceptance.” “Texas declares independence like clockwork,” explained Columbia University political science professor Dr. Sarah Martinez. “They do it every time there’s a federal policy they don’t like, which is basically constantly. Then nothing actually happens because secession is illegal, economically catastrophic, and historically proven to be a terrible idea. But Texas doesn’t let little things like ‘constitutional law’ or ‘historical precedent’ stop them from having their moment. It’s performance art at this point.”

The independence declaration includes several demands and assumptions that legal experts have described as “optimistic to the point of delusion.” Texas plans to keep using U.S. currency but stop paying federal taxes, maintain access to U.S. military protection but not contribute troops, and continue participating in federal programs like Social Security and Medicare while claiming they’re “sovereign and independent.” It’s essentially the geopolitical equivalent of a teenager declaring they’re moving out but still expecting mom to do their laundry and pay their phone bill.

Economic analysts have pointed out that Texas independence would be catastrophic for Texas’s economy, which is deeply integrated with the broader U.S. market and depends on federal contracts, funding, and infrastructure. “Texas receives more in federal funding than it pays in federal taxes,” noted NYU economics professor Dr. Rebecca Chen. “They’re literally threatening to declare independence from a country that subsidizes their existence. It’s like threatening to quit a job that pays you more than you’re worth. Bold strategy, economically nonsensical.” When these facts were presented to Texas legislators, they responded that “numbers are just opinions” and that “economic reality is a construct.”

The declaration has sparked celebration among Texas nationalists who’ve been pushing for independence for decades, mostly because they’re very committed to the aesthetic of being independent even if the practical reality would be disastrous. “This is about freedom,” insisted one Austin resident wearing a “Republic of Texas” t-shirt that he bought online using U.S. dollars and received via USPS. “We don’t want to be told what to do by Washington bureaucrats. We want to make our own decisions and live by our own values.” When asked what specific freedoms Texas lacks as part of the United States, he listed several things Texas already has the freedom to do, suggesting this is more about vibes than actual policy grievances.

Other states have reacted to Texas’s independence declaration with a mixture of amusement, indifference, and genuine hope that maybe this time Texas will actually follow through so everyone else can stop hearing about it. “If Texas wants to be independent, let them be independent,” suggested one California legislator. “They can figure out international trade agreements, currency systems, and how to run a power grid without federal backup. We’ll watch from here with popcorn. And when it inevitably falls apart and they want back in, we’ll consider their application like any other country seeking annexation. Probably put them on a waitlist behind Puerto Rico, which has been waiting for statehood forever and actually wants to be here.”

Constitutional scholars have noted that secession is illegal under U.S. law, a question that was definitively settled by the Civil War and subsequent Supreme Court decisions. “Texas doesn’t have the legal authority to declare independence,” explained Columbia Law professor Dr. Jennifer Walsh. “The Supreme Court ruled in 1869 that states cannot unilaterally secede. Texas’s declaration is legally meaningless. It’s basically a strongly worded press release with no actual legal weight. But it makes good headlines and satisfies the portion of the Texas population that likes to pretend they’re living in an action movie about freedom fighters instead of just a large state with normal state problems.”

As of press time, the federal government has responded to Texas’s independence declaration with what officials described as “the governmental equivalent of an eye roll,” noting that Texas issues these declarations regularly and they’re “not taking it seriously until Texas actually stops cashing federal checks.” The declaration is expected to last approximately until the next natural disaster requires federal assistance, at which point Texas will quietly accept aid while insisting they could have handled it themselves if they’d wanted to.

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SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/texas-declares-independence/.

By: Annika Steinmann.

Annika Steinmann, journalist.

The post Texas Declares Independence Again, Forgets Why Last Time Didn’t Work Out appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.

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