Cupid Filed for Bankruptcy in 2024, Blames Dating Apps and Emotional Unavailability
Manhattan Mythological Figure Cites ‘Hostile Market Conditions’ for Love Industry
In a stunning development that surprised absolutely nobody paying attention to modern relationships, Cupid officially filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy this week, citing insurmountable challenges posed by dating app algorithms, widespread emotional unavailability, and what bankruptcy documents describe as “the complete collapse of romantic spontaneity as a viable business model.” The filing, submitted to the Mythological Entities Business Court in Manhattan, marks the first time an ancient god of love has been forced into insolvency by technological disruption and collective commitment-phobia.
“I’ve been in the love business for over 2,000 years,” explained Cupid during a press conference at a Midtown law office, his famous bow and arrows visible in the background next to boxes of bankruptcy paperwork. “I survived the Black Plague, the Industrial Revolution, and disco. But I cannot compete with Hinge algorithms, situationships, and an entire generation that treats commitment like a subscription service they can cancel anytime. The market conditions are simply too hostile for traditional romantic intervention.” Cupid appeared visibly exhausted, wearing what witnesses described as “business casual for a cherub” and drinking what was definitely not his first espresso of the day.
The bankruptcy filing reveals that Cupid’s revenue has declined 94% since 2010, coinciding with the rise of dating apps that essentially automated his entire business model. “I used to shoot arrows at people, they’d fall in love, maybe get married,” Cupid explained. “Now I shoot an arrow at someone and they immediately check their phone, swipe through forty other options, and decide the person I just made them attracted to ‘seems fine but I want to see what else is out there.’ It’s professionally devastating. I’m literally a god and I can’t compete with the infinite choice paradox enabled by digital technology.”
Manhattan relationship therapists confirmed that Cupid’s bankruptcy was inevitable given current romantic trends. “Modern dating has fundamentally broken the traditional love model that Cupid operated within,” explained Dr. Sarah Martinez from her Upper West Side practice. “He was working with concepts like ‘love at first sight’ and ‘meant to be,’ but contemporary singles are working with concepts like ‘keep your options open,’ ’emotional unavailability as a lifestyle,’ and ‘why commit when you can just keep dating indefinitely?’ His business model became obsolete the moment people decided that having chemistry with someone wasn’t sufficient reason to actually pursue a relationship with them.”
The bankruptcy documents paint a bleak picture of Cupid’s final years of operation. His success rate for creating lasting relationships dropped from 67% in 2000 to 12% by 2024. Multiple arrows “failed to generate meaningful connection” because one or both parties were “too busy optimizing their dating app profiles to notice they’d been struck.” Several relationships that Cupid successfully initiated ended when participants “caught feelings” and then panicked and ghosted each other because “emotional vulnerability is terrifying.” One particularly notable failure involved Cupid shooting arrows at two people who were perfect for each other, only to watch them match on three different apps, have a great first date, text enthusiastically for a week, and then mutually ghost because neither wanted to appear “too interested.”
Dating app companies have been named as creditors in the bankruptcy, with Cupid claiming they owe him royalties for essentially stealing his intellectual property and automating it through algorithms. “I invented love-matching,” Cupid insisted. “These apps are just digital versions of what I’ve been doing for millennia, except worse because they prioritize profit over actual compatibility. They’ve flooded the market with options, made everyone simultaneously picky and indifferent, and destroyed the scarcity that made romantic connections feel valuable. Also, they never paid me licensing fees, which is a legitimate grievance that my lawyer says we can probably pursue.”
The bankruptcy has sparked mixed reactions across New York City’s singles scene. Some mourned the loss of romantic spontaneity and blamed modern dating culture for killing love itself. Others argued Cupid’s business model was outdated and that people should be able to choose partners rationally rather than being struck by magic arrows from a flying baby with questionable aim. “I’m supposed to trust my romantic future to an infant with a weapon?” asked skeptical Brooklyn resident Jennifer Walsh. “At least dating apps have algorithms. Cupid was basically running on vibes and randomness. Maybe bankruptcy is appropriate.”
Cupid announced plans to pivot his business model upon emerging from bankruptcy, potentially rebranding as a “relationship consultant” who helps couples navigate the complexities of modern dating rather than simply making people fall in love. “I’m thinking about offering services like ‘how to text without seeming desperate,’ ‘when to define the relationship without scaring them away,’ and ‘is this person actually interested or just bored and keeping options open,'” he explained. “It’s not as romantic as shooting magic arrows, but apparently romance is dead anyway, so I might as well capitalize on the dysfunction.” When asked if he’s optimistic about the future of love, Cupid laughed bitterly and ordered another espresso.
SOURCE: https://ift.tt/uJgVlx1
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cupid-filed-for-bankruptcy-in-2024/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
The post Cupid Filed for Bankruptcy in 2024, Blames Dating Apps and Emotional Unavailability appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.
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