Congress Accidentally Votes to Ban Itself, Unsure How to Proceed
Manhattan Constitutional Lawyers Discover Loophole Nobody Expected Representatives to Use
In what legal scholars are calling “the most perfectly congressional outcome imaginable,” the House of Representatives accidentally voted 218-217 to ban the existence of Congress after a procedural mix-up involving three simultaneous votes, multiple amendments that nobody fully read, and what witnesses described as “weaponized confusion that somehow resulted in legislative self-destruction.” The bill, which was supposed to address federal regulatory oversight, was inadvertently amended to include language effectively abolishing the legislative branch entirely. Nobody noticed until after the vote was certified.
“We’re not entirely sure how this happened,” admitted House Speaker Marcus Henderson during a press conference where he appeared to be reading the final bill text for the first time. “There were amendments to amendments to amendments. Someone added language about ‘eliminating unnecessary federal bodies,’ and I guess technically that includes us? The parliamentarian is reviewing whether Congress just legally voted itself out of existence. It’s unprecedented. It’s confusing. It’s very on-brand for this institution.” When asked who’s in charge if Congress no longer exists, Henderson said, “Great question. We’re in meetings about it.”
The vote occurred during a chaotic late-night session where most representatives were operating on three hours of sleep, questionable amounts of coffee, and the desperate hope that they could leave Washington before the weekend. “I voted yes because leadership told me to vote yes,” explained one anonymous representative. “Did I read the bill? Of course not. Nobody reads the bills. That’s not how this works. We just vote however leadership tells us and hope for the best. Apparently this time, the best was accidentally abolishing Congress. So that’s where we are as a functioning democracy.”
Constitutional lawyers in Manhattan are scrambling to determine whether the vote is legally binding and what happens if Congress has genuinely banned itself. “The Constitution doesn’t have a provision for ‘what if Congress accidentally votes to stop existing,'” explained Columbia Law professor Dr. Sarah Martinez. “The founders assumed Congress would be dysfunctional, but they didn’t anticipate it would be so dysfunctional that it accidentally self-destructs. We’re in uncharted legal territory. It’s like watching someone tie their own shoes so badly they trap themselves. Impressive in its incompetence.”
The Senate responded to the House’s self-ban with what senators described as “cautious opportunism,” debating whether they should vote to affirm the House’s non-existence or pretend it didn’t happen and continue as normal. “On one hand, the Constitution requires both chambers,” noted one senator. “On the other hand, we’ve been wanting to pass bills without House approval for years, and this might be our chance. Is it legal? Unclear. Is it convenient? Absolutely. We’re reviewing our options, by which I mean we’re figuring out how to exploit this situation for maximum political advantage.”
Americans reacted to news of Congress’s accidental self-ban with a mixture of confusion, amusement, and several people asking if this means they still have to pay taxes. “If Congress doesn’t exist, does tax law still exist?” asked one Brooklyn resident, clearly hoping for a specific answer. “Like, they can’t enforce laws if they’re not a thing anymore, right? This seems like a loophole we should explore.” Tax attorneys quickly clarified that the IRS exists independently of Congress and will continue collecting taxes regardless of whether the legislative branch technically exists, crushing millions of dreams simultaneously.
Political scientists are calling the incident a perfect encapsulation of congressional dysfunction. “This is a body that regularly passes bills without reading them, votes on amendments without understanding them, and operates with such procedural chaos that accidentally banning itself was probably inevitable,” explained NYU professor Dr. Rebecca Chen. “The only surprising thing is that it took this long. Honestly, I’m shocked they haven’t accidentally declared war on themselves or voted to rename the country ‘Error 404: Democracy Not Found.'”
The bill’s sponsor, Representative Jennifer Walsh, has apologized for the mix-up and proposed new legislation to un-ban Congress. However, passing such legislation requires a functioning Congress, creating what legal experts are calling “an infinite paradox loop” where Congress needs to exist to vote itself back into existence but can’t vote because it doesn’t exist. “It’s like trying to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, except you banned boots in the previous vote,” explained one frustrated congressional aide. “We’re trapped in bureaucratic quicksand of our own creation.”
Republican and Democratic leaders held emergency negotiations to resolve the crisis, though both sides immediately blamed each other for the self-ban and used it as evidence that the opposing party is incompetent. “This never would have happened if Democrats knew how to legislate properly,” insisted one GOP representative, apparently forgetting that members of his party also voted yes. Democrats countered that Republicans “deliberately sabotaged the process,” though they couldn’t explain why their own members would vote to ban themselves. Both sides agreed that this incident proves Congress doesn’t work, which is ironic given that Congress is currently banned from working due to its own vote.
As of press time, Congress remains in a state of quantum existence—simultaneously functioning and non-functioning, legally present and legally banned. Representatives continue showing up to the Capitol because nobody knows what else to do, passing non-binding resolutions that have no legal weight because the body passing them technically doesn’t exist. “We’re basically LARPING as Congress now,” admitted one representative. “We show up, we debate, we vote, but none of it matters because we accidentally ended ourselves. It’s the perfect metaphor for American politics: continuing to perform the motions of governance long after we’ve made governance itself impossible.”
SOURCE: https://ift.tt/eZF87Sw
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/congress-accidentally-votes-to-ban-itself/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
The post Congress Accidentally Votes to Ban Itself, Unsure How to Proceed appeared first on SpinTaxi Magazine.
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