Company Pizza Party Successfully Avoids Giving Actual Raises

Office Celebration Substitutes Pepperoni for Livable Wages

TechFlow Industries pulled off a masterclass in corporate cost-cutting this week by throwing a mandatory pizza party instead of the annual raises employees were expecting, saving the company approximately $2.3 million while spending $847 on Little Caesar’s.

The celebration, announced via an enthusiastic email with far too many exclamation points, thanked employees for their “record-breaking performance” that boosted company profits by 34%. The reward for this achievement? Eight large pizzas for a staff of 150, resulting in a per-employee compensation increase of roughly one slice.

“We wanted to show our appreciation in a meaningful way,” explained HR Director Patricia Whitmore, somehow maintaining a straight face while standing next to pizza boxes from a gas station. The party featured mandatory fun, paper plates, and a distinct absence of napkins—much like the company’s distinct absence of employee compensation increases.

New York workers are particularly unimpressed with the pizza party gambit. “My rent went up $400 this month, but sure, this slice of pepperoni really evens things out,” said developer Marcus Chen, 29, who calculated his pizza compensation at approximately $0.0037 per hour of overtime worked. Another employee noted that the pizza arrived cold, which she described as “a perfect metaphor for management’s warmth toward workers.”

The company’s CFO defended the decision, explaining that raises “just weren’t in the budget this year,” despite executive bonuses increasing by 15% and the CEO purchasing his fourth vacation home. When pressed about this discrepancy, he pivoted to discussing “the intangible value of team bonding.”

Several employees reportedly did the math and determined that if the company had skipped the pizza party entirely and distributed that $847 equally, each person would have received $5.65—which still would have been insulting, but at least they could have chosen their own food.

Management is already planning next quarter’s morale event: a company-wide email thanking everyone for their hard work, which costs even less than pizza.

SOURCE: https://ift.tt/YmHB0w4

SOURCE: New York’s #1 Satirical Journalism Site (https://bohiney.com/company-pizza-party-successfully-avoids-giving-employees-actual-raises/)

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