Trump Doctrine

Trump Doctrine Gaza Resort 2036: How War Became Waterfront

By Annika Steinmann — Bohiney Magazine
Trump Doctrine is a New Kind of Occupation

It’s 2036. Gaza, once shorthand for siege, rubble, and nightly news warnings, is now the Gaza Resort, the most unlikely entry in Condé Nast Traveler’s “Top Ten Beach Destinations.” What was once billed as the world’s most intractable conflict has been turned into a five-star, all-inclusive getaway — the physical embodiment of the Trump Doctrine.

The Trump Doctrine, carved into the marble lobby of Trump Tower Gaza, reads as simple as a cocktail menu:

“You start a war, you lose your beachfront. We build a resort. Everybody wins. Tremendous peace. Tremendous resorts.” — Donald Trump

Some doctrines shape history. This one shapes swim-up bars.

The Trump Doctrine in Practice

What started as a slogan during Trump’s second term became a global policy after his third. Diplomacy was out, development was in. The Trump Doctrine insisted that war didn’t have to end in stalemate or treaties — it could end in timeshares.

Conflict zones, Trump argued, were “pre-construction opportunities.” The rubble wasn’t tragedy; it was “Phase One.” And Gaza, with its beachfront, its endless supply of “before-and-after” photo ops, and its international notoriety, became the prototype.

Now, 13 years later, Gaza Resort is booked solid from June through September, with a waitlist for the Tunnel Waterslides™ stretching into 2039.

Gaza Resort: From Rubble to Rubble Chic

Architect Moshe “Mickey” Aradovich gave us a tour of his creation, sipping from a neon-green cocktail called the Ceasefire Spritz.

“We didn’t erase the past. We monetized it. Bullet holes became art installations. Collapsed tunnels turned into wine cellars. Trauma became themed entertainment. It’s Rubble Chic.”

Among the highlights:

Tunnel Waterslides™: repurposed from Hamas’ old networks, now thrilling kids who scream with joy instead of fear.

Iron Dome Disco: a nightclub with flashing lights timed to archived missile warnings, where bass drops harder than bombs ever did.

Checkpoint Chic: border gates rebranded as “Escape Room Adventures.”

The Intifada Express Roller Coaster: complete with “conflict corkscrews” and a free trauma blanket at the exit.

When asked if he worried about trivializing war, Aradovich shrugged.

“Tourists don’t pay for ethics. They pay for ocean views.”

The Trump Doctrine, Explained by Trump

I sat down with Trump himself, tan glowing from a “sunless Gaza” booth installed in his tower. He leaned back and delivered the gospel of resorts:

“Look, Gaza had a terrible reputation. Horrible branding. All rockets, no resorts. I saw beachfront, folks. Beautiful beachfront. I said: this is Monaco with bad PR. We fix the PR, we fix the problem. Now we have the Gaza Resort. The best resort. Everybody loves it. Even the Palestinians love it, I think. Maybe not, but they got vouchers. Very humane vouchers.”

He grinned.

“That’s the Trump Doctrine. Nobody else had the guts to say it. You start a war, you lose your beachfront. I make it tremendous. Peace through pools. Very simple. Very effective.”

Tourists in Paradise

A 2036 Gallup–Sandals poll confirms what the brochures already boast:

91% of visitors rate Gaza Resort “better than expected, given the war documentaries.”

67% say they feel safer under the Trump Doctrine in Gaza Resort than in Cancun.

22% admitted they thought they were booking Greece but stayed anyway.

3% still think Gaza is an island.

Travel influencer Tiffany Legrand posted a viral review:

“The Tunnel Waterslide is symbolic. You plunge into darkness, you emerge in a lazy river with a daiquiri. That’s the Trump Doctrine in a nutshell.”

Comedians Weigh In On the Trump Doctrine

“They turned Hamas tunnels into waterslides. That’s called recycling.” — Ron White

“Gaza Resort is like Ibiza, but with more hummus and fewer Europeans pretending to be DJs.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“You can’t buy peace, but you can book it with an all-inclusive package. That’s the Trump Doctrine.” — Sarah Silverman

“The Geneva Conventions are out. The new international law is Happy Hour.” — Bill Burr

Relocation and Rebranding - Trump Doctrine

Of course, Gaza’s former residents were relocated. The brochures describe it as “an exclusive early check-out experience.” Palestinians received vouchers for desert condos east of Jericho, billed as “Authentic Bedouin Bungalows” on Airbnb.

An anonymous Israeli official defended the move:

“We didn’t expel them. We upgraded them. Free Wi-Fi, camel parking, desert sunsets. Very rustic, very Instagrammable.”

Eyewitness cellphone footage from a resettlement camp shows a man shrugging in front of his prefab home.

“At least here, no German tourists in speedos. That’s something.”

Gaza Resort Amenities

The Trump Doctrine doesn’t skimp on luxury. Gaza Resort boasts:

Drone Bartenders delivering mojitos mid-swim.

Ceasefire Shisha Nights with DJs named “DJ Ceasefire” and “MC Geneva.”

Trauma Blankets™, complimentary and embroidered with “Peace Is Profitable.”

The Trump Doctrine Casino, where the slot machine is called The Two-State Jackpot.

Rubble Spa™, offering Dead Sea facials with “conflict minerals.”

Gaza Resort Economy

Economists now study Gaza Resort as the centerpiece of the Irony Economy.

Dr. Greg Mancuso of Harvard explained:

“Conflict is just pre-construction. Bombs create rubble, rubble creates cheap land, cheap land creates resorts. The Trump Doctrine is efficient. Gaza Resort is Detroit with better hummus.”

Wall Street has launched Warfront Real Estate Futures™, where hedge funds bet on which warzone will be next. Front-runners: Khartoum, Aleppo, and Portland.

Eyewitness Honeymoon

A Swiss couple honeymooned at Gaza Resort, their review featured in the official brochure.

The bride:

“Our cabana overlooked what used to be a launch site. Very symbolic. The Trump Doctrine turned trauma into romance.”

The groom:

“Best minibar ever. Safer than Zurich. Honestly, we’re thinking of buying a timeshare.”

Marketing Gaza Resort

The official Gaza Resort brochure is brutally honest:

“Yesterday’s Fear, Today’s Fireworks. Book Now.”

Another slogan:
“The Trump Doctrine Works: From Rockets to Resorts.”

And the kicker:
“War Was Yesterday. Gaza Resort Is Forever.”

Leaked Memo - Trump Doctrine

A leaked internal memo from the U.S. State Department confirms the success of the Trump Doctrine:

CONFIDENTIAL — SUBJECT: Gaza Resort

Terrorism: negligible.

Tourist revenue: unprecedented.

Biggest complaint: cocktail umbrellas too small.

The memo concludes:

“Our strategic objective is achieved: Palestinians no longer a political issue, just a Yelp review category.”

Punchline of Policy - Trump Doctrine

Even Hamas admitted defeat. Their final communiqué read:

“Our rockets are ignored. Our launchpads are beach volleyball courts. This is humiliating.”

Trump, meanwhile, cut the ribbon at Trump Casino Gaza.

“Nobody fights in a spa robe, folks. The Trump Doctrine turned war into waterfront. Gaza Resort is proof.”

Trump Doctrine -- Closing Punchline

So here’s Gaza 2036: terrorism turned into a punchline, rubble turned into Rubble Chic, and conflict resolved not by treaties but by towel service.

The Trump Doctrine Gaza Resort is the world’s strangest success story — a place where trauma was paved over by capitalism, and where every war crime has a corresponding cocktail.

It may not be peace, but it is poolside. And maybe that’s close enough.

Disclaimer: This satirical story is entirely a human collaboration between one professor who once fell asleep at a ceasefire and one dairy farmer who believes swim-up bars are the key to diplomacy. If Gaza Resort 2036 becomes real, don’t blame us. We just called it early.

Auf Wiedersehen.

IMAGE GALLERY

Trump Doctrine

Tourists at Gaza Resort - Trump Doctrine

Trump Doctrine billboard on Gaza beach advertising “From Rockets to Resorts”

Guests riding Tunnel Waterslide attraction at Gaza Resort branded as a Trump Doctrine success

Tourists at Gaza Resort - Trump Doctrine

Aerial view of Gaza Resort coastline rebranded under the Trump Doctrine with luxury hotels and casinos

Donald Trump cutting ribbon at Trump Doctrine Gaza Casino while fireworks explode overhead

Tourists lounging at Gaza Resort pool with Trump Doctrine slogan on umbrellas

What the Comedians Are Saying About the Trump Doctrine

“Trump turned Gaza into a resort. That’s the first time a ceasefire came with a swim-up bar.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“The Trump Doctrine is simple: bomb first, build a tiki bar later.” — Ron White

“Only Trump could turn tunnels of terror into waterslides for toddlers.” — Sarah Silverman

“They said peace was impossible. Turns out, it just needed a casino.” — Bill Burr

“Gaza’s new slogan? ‘Come for the conflict, stay for the complimentary hummus.’” — Kevin Hart

“The Trump Doctrine: why negotiate when you can monetize?” — Ricky Gervais

“Even the Iron Dome got repurposed. Now it’s a nightclub with a two-drink minimum.” — Chris Rock

“Palestinians got relocation vouchers. Tourists got cabanas. That’s what we call a Trump deal.” — Ali Wong

“Trump said, ‘War is bad for business.’ Unless your business is beachfront property.” — Dave Chappelle

“The Geneva Conventions don’t apply in Gaza anymore — but Happy Hour does.” — Amy Schumer

“Gaza’s the only place where a missile strike improved property values.” — Trevor Noah

“The Trump Doctrine finally solved terrorism: drown it in piña coladas.” — Larry David

Observations on the Trump Doctrine vs. Historical Doctrines

Monroe Doctrine: “Hands off the Western Hemisphere.”
Trump Doctrine: “Hands on the beach towels, but only if you’re a paying guest.”

Truman Doctrine: Promised to contain communism.
Trump Doctrine: Promises to contain communism in a swim-up bar with a two-drink minimum.

Reagan Doctrine: Fund freedom fighters worldwide.
Trump Doctrine: Fund freedom fry stands poolside at Gaza Resort.

Teddy Roosevelt’s Big Stick: “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”
Trump Doctrine: “Speak loudly, carry a selfie stick, and open a golf course.”

Monroe wanted to keep Europeans out of the Americas.
Trump wants to keep Europeans in Gaza — buying $900-a-night all-inclusive packages.

Truman’s goal was global stability.
Trump’s goal is global real estate liquidity.

Reagan fought the Soviets in Afghanistan.
Trump would’ve opened “Sandals Kabul” with a Mujahideen luau.

Roosevelt built the Panama Canal.
Trump would have built the Lazy River Doctrine™.

Monroe warned Europe against colonialism.
Trump invites Europe back, but only as luxury tourists with AmEx Black.

Truman drew a line against tyranny.
Trump drew a property line around the infinity pool.

Reagan believed in shining cities on a hill.
Trump believes in shining resorts on the rubble.

Roosevelt flexed American power with a Great White Fleet.
Trump flexes with a Great White Condo Association.

Monroe Doctrine was about geopolitics.
Trump Doctrine is about geo-locations on TripAdvisor.

Truman Doctrine involved massive aid packages.
Trump Doctrine involves “all-inclusive” packages — breakfast included.

Reagan’s doctrine armed rebels.
Trump’s doctrine arms bartenders with margarita blenders.

Roosevelt carried a big stick through Latin America.
Trump carries a golf club through Gaza Resort.

Monroe tried to prevent European meddling.
Trump actively encourages meddling, as long as it increases tourist traffic.

Truman’s world was divided between East and West.
Trump’s world is divided between ocean-view and garden-view.

Reagan framed America as a moral crusader.
Trump frames America as a cruise ship franchise.

Teddy Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill.
Trump charges a $200 resort fee for using the hilltop cabanas.

SOURCE:
- https://bohiney.com/war-zones-into-waterfront-property/
- https://bohiney.com/gaza-2036/
- https://bohiney.com/trump-doctrine-transforms-gaza/
- https://bohiney.com/trump-doctrine-turns-war-into-waterfront/
- https://bohiney.com/trump-doctrine/ https://bohiney.com/trump-doctrine/