Larry Ellison's TikTok Coup

Larry Ellison's Grand TikTok Coup: When Your Database Overlord Wants Your Dance Videos

Oracle Founder's Media Empire Play Exposes Tech's Ultimate Power Grab
When Your Database Overlord Wants Your Dance Videos

It's not enough to control enterprise software — now Ellison wants you doing the "Renegade" under his corporate thumb.

Wealth as a Backstage Pass to Global Media

If you have more dollars than most countries' GDPs, media mergers become just aggressive shopping sprees.

Media Mogul Aging Like Fine Whiskey (Or Bitter Cheese)

Larry Ellison's Grand TikTok Coup When Your Database Overlord Wants Your Dance Videos -- Oracle Founder's Media Empire Play Exposes Tech's Ultimate Power Grab

In his 80s, Ellison is pivoting from "tech guy" to "King Midas of Media," swallowing everything in sight.

TikTok as the Crown Jewel of Content Control

Because what's the point of controlling cloud servers if you can't also decide which dance challenge will go viral?

Friendly With Trump Equals Media Favor Deal

Buying platforms is one thing; getting a presidential nod is another kind of equity.

Cheating in Sailing and Work Politics: Same Playbook

The guy whose yacht team cheated at America's Cup isn't intimidated by "rules" in media deals.

Media Families Acquiring Media Power Equals Recursive Media Inception

It's like Inception, but with networks: buying networks that own networks that own networks.

The "Murky Deal" Is the Media's Comfort Zone

Every big acquisition is shrouded in "details still unclear" — which is shorthand for "let's confuse the regulators."

Flirting With Conspiracy to Avoid Criticism

It's easier to call critics conspirators than to explain your media empire.

When "Media Integrity" Is a Token Gift to Invest in Loyalty

Let's hire a high-profile journalist to pretend there's independence, while behind the scenes we push the agenda.

If Your Net Worth Fluctuates by $100 Billion a Day, Rules Don't Matter

Larry Ellison's Grand TikTok Coup When Your Database Overlord Wants Your Dance Videos -- Oracle Founder's Media Empire Play Exposes Tech's Ultimate Power Grab

Why follow laws when your wallet bleeds more cash in an hour than many nations collect in a year?

Silicon Valley to Silicon Valley of Influence

Building servers becomes building narratives; writing code becomes writing headlines.

"Empires Emerging" Equals "Empire Approximately Built"

Call it emerging so people don't ask how many of your properties you already own.

Power Fatigue Is Real — So Get Younger Executives

Let your son run the show, while you ghost-direct from your yacht or private island. (He already bought one.)

TikTok Purchase: A Strategic Move to Own Your Own Propaganda Channel

If you own the pipeline and the content, filtering dissent is much easier.

Act I: The Quiet Storm

By most accounts, Oracle's founder Larry Ellison was content being the backstage "database demigod" — quietly writing checks, dominating servers, and never demanding a microphone. But that's amateur hour. In 2025, the grizzled titan has pivoted into media mogul mode, and his latest target is TikTok (yes, that TikTok).

In one fell swoop, Ellison doesn't just want your dancing videos — he wants to own the platform that decides which videos get seen, liked, monetized, deplatformed. Because why settle for controlling enterprise databases when you can control the narrative pipeline itself?

Act II: The Art of the Acquisition

Larry Ellison's Grand TikTok Coup When Your Database Overlord Wants Your Dance Videos -- Oracle Founder's Media Empire Play Exposes Tech's Ultimate Power Grab

According to multiple sources, the TikTok deal is still wrapped in "murky parts" and contradictory reports — as any serious empire builder would prefer. Analysts speculate it's only partly a national security play; it's mostly a media building block. Once ByteDance's U.S. arm falls under Oracle's umbrella, Ellison will simultaneously be the guy who keeps your data and the guy who tells you what memes to absorb.

Monopoly, Media, and Agenda Alignment

One media commentator in The New Yorker sniffed that this play is less about security and more about consolidating influence — "bolstering an emerging media conglomerate" under a family that's "assiduously friendly to Trump." In other words, side effects may include agenda alignment, media synergy, and the eventual erasure of independent voices.

Act III: Monopoly, Media, and Mild Paranoia

What's crazier: that he could pull this off, or that he's so rich he doesn't need to worry about failing? Ellison's net worth reportedly swings by $100 billion in a single day — more than many countries manage in a year. He's playing 6D chess when others are stuck in checkers.

The Vertical Media Sandwich

To build this media empire, he already controls stakes in CBS, Paramount, Nickelodeon, MTV, Comedy Central, and more. It's a vertical media sandwich, and TikTok is the spicy layer. Because if you own the content channels and the distribution channel, dissent becomes expensive.

Act IV: Ethics? What Are Thou?

Ethical concerns? Warnings of media capture? Those are bedtime stories for regulators. Ellison's track record includes ordering private detectives to snoop on Microsoft and investing in film enterprises his children already run. His yacht team was once caught cheating in the America's Cup. In other words, his moral compass doesn't point north — it points "whatever direction gets you ownership."

When Contracts Do the Heavy Lifting

When critics call for separation between content and capital, Ellison can retort: "I don't see the smoke unless I own the fire." And by then, the contracts, share swaps, and shell companies have quietly done the heavy lifting.

Act V: Inconvenient Truths and Satirical Punchlines

Let's play armchair prophecy. If Ellison succeeds:

He'll vet which TikTok trends survive. Want a watermelon challenge gone wild? Sure. Want a protest video? Maybe not.

Journalists will get "independent titles" but still sign off on elliptical duty.

Regulators scratching their heads will get response memos from law firms that cost more than their countries' GDP.

Dissidents will be sent "content warnings," then demonetized, then vanished algorithmically.

Everyone will start dancing like TikTok is political theater — which, in Ellison's vision, it is.

The Bigger Message

Even if the deal collapses, the mere attempt sends a message: Tech titans aren't just building data empires. They're building thought empires.

Tips From the Professor–Farmer Team for Survival

Diversify your platforms. Don't live only on TikTok; keep your blog, podcast, snail mail list.

Support independent "micro-media." Even if Big Media breathes down your neck, one underground zine can rattle the cage.

Demand transparency. If "deal terms" are hidden, treat them like poison in your drink.

Amplify dissent. If everyone dances, someone must sing.

Check your assumptions. Just because a billionaire buys something doesn't mean it's noble.

Disclaimer:

This story is purely satirical, created through a collaborative effort by a cranky tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed (or used) in the writing of this piece. The names, events, and quotes should not be taken as actual fact, though the real article from The Verge provides inspirational fuel.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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