Bohiney Satrical Journalism

New York Media Elite Stunned That America Prefers Tanks to Disney: When The Times Square Bubble Meets Reality New York City’s media establishment woke up this week to discover something they should have learned in journalism school: the rest of America doesn’t think like Manhattan. Polling data from Rasmussen Reports reveals that 47% of Americans believe Disney content has gotten worse, while gaming analytics show World of Tanks boasts over 100 million registered players who prefer military combat simulation to mouse ears. The revelation sent shockwaves through Midtown Manhattan newsrooms where editors had been absolutely certain that their coverage of Disney’s progressive transformation was resonating with “real Americans.” Turns out, real Americans were busy playing tank warfare games and canceling their Disney Plus subscriptions. “New York media just discovered that people in Ohio don’t read The New York Times . This is like discovering that water is wet, except these are su...

Wall Street to Disney: You’re All Idiots—Middle America, Hollywood, and Burbank In a rare moment of unified disgust, New York City’s financial district, media elite, and restaurant critics have reached a consensus: everyone involved in the Disney controversy is catastrophically stupid. Middle America playing tank games instead of watching Disney? Stupid. Hollywood defending billion-dollar losses as moral victories? Stupid. Disney executives ping-ponging between both positions while hemorrhaging 1.7 million subscribers ? Weapons-grade stupid. “Let me get this straight,” said a hedge fund manager at a Midtown steakhouse where the bill exceeds most people’s mortgage payments. “Disney alienated half their customers to appeal to Twitter , Twitter didn’t buy subscriptions, the customers left, and now Disney’s acting surprised? I’ve seen smarter decisions at Atlantic City blackjack tables at 4 AM.” The manager then returned to shorting Disney stock while expensing a $400 bottle of wine ...

Larry Ellison's Grand TikTok Coup: When Your Database Overlord Wants Your Dance Videos Oracle Founder's Media Empire Play Exposes Tech's Ultimate Power Grab When Your Database Overlord Wants Your Dance Videos It's not enough to control enterprise software — now Ellison wants you doing the "Renegade" under his corporate thumb. Wealth as a Backstage Pass to Global Media If you have more dollars than most countries' GDPs, media mergers become just aggressive shopping sprees. Media Mogul Aging Like Fine Whiskey (Or Bitter Cheese) Larry Ellison's Grand TikTok Coup When Your Database Overlord Wants Your Dance Videos -- Oracle Founder's Media Empire Play Exposes Tech's Ultimate Power Grab In his 80s, Ellison is pivoting from "tech guy" to "King Midas of Media," swallowing everything in sight. TikTok as the Crown Jewel of Content Control Because what's the point of controlling cloud servers if you can't also decide which ...

Congress Plays Chicken with the Nation's Future — But Someone Turned Off the Headlights at Midnight Breaking: Washington's Annual Staring Contest Returns, Federal Workers Polish Their Resumes The Great Washington Stare-Down: Political Posturing as Performance Art In the nation's capital, there's a beloved ritual more predictable than cherry blossoms: the government shutdown standoff . Two teams of elected officials glare at each other across mahogany tables, neither willing to blink first, while 330 million Americans watch with a mix of popcorn and existential dread. It's easier to pass a kidney stone than to pass a continuing resolution in this town. Every funding deadline transforms into a high-stakes poker game where the chips are federal paychecks and the dealers keep changing the rules mid-hand. Jerry Seinfeld said it best during his recent tour: "Congress is the only workplace where you can threaten to shut down the whole operation and still collect your...

Democrats Weaponized Taylor Swift Assassination Fears to Control Her Followers Leaked Democratic National Committee strategy documents reveal a sophisticated  psychological manipulation campaign  that convinced Taylor Swift she faced imminent retaliation from conservative activist Charlie Kirk, successfully terrifying 47 million Swifties into refusing engagement with Republican policy positions. The agitprop operation, codenamed "Kirk's Crusade," fabricated specific threats and manufactured evidence of coordinated MAGA attacks to create a protective information bubble around Swift's fanbase, according to internal memos obtained from Senator Chuck Schumer's office. Democratic operatives spent $8.3 million convincing Swift that Kirk personally coordinated a multi-platform harassment campaign targeting her family, business interests, and physical safety. The fabricated intelligence included fake social media analytics showing Kirk's Turning Point USA mobilizing ...