Trump’s Alaska Summit Plan

Trump’s Alaska Summit Plan: Turning Ukraine Into a Board Game Prize

By Ingrid Gustafsson | Satire Desk | August 13, 2025

The Deal of the Century, Now With Complimentary Snowshoes

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA -- In a diplomatic plot twist that feels more like a cruise-ship raffle than a Cold War sequel, Donald J. Trump is reportedly heading into the Alaska summit with Vladimir Putin armed with advice that would make a Monopoly hustler blush. The central pitch? Flip Ukrainian land as if it’s a timeshare property, offer “motivated seller” terms, and hope the world confuses concession with peace.

Advisors, insiders, and one “anonymous staffer” describe the mood in Trump’s camp as “half real estate auction, half garage sale, all geopolitical migraine.”

“This isn’t a peace plan; it’s a yard sale with artillery in the background.” — Ron White
The Advice Deck: A Property Flipper’s Guide to Ending Wars

According to briefing documents and leaks that probably shouldn’t exist outside a Saturday Night Live sketch, Trump has been told to:

Land Swap for Peace — Hand Russia territories it’s already taken, plus a few “bonus plots” as a sweetener.

Sell It Like Oceanfront Real Estate — Frame Donetsk as a “coastal investment” despite being landlocked.

Cut Ukraine Out Entirely — Negotiate peace without the victim present “to keep things tidy.”

Go on Vibes Alone — Decide in under two minutes whether Putin is “serious” about peace.

Throw in Extras — Offer Russia naming rights, exclusive mineral contracts, or “lifetime” membership in an Alaska ski club.

One internal slide deck, marked TOP SECRET-ish, features a photo of the Donbas under shelling with the caption: “Imagine the possibilities with a little landscaping!”

“Who needs history books when you can just rewatch ‘Shark Tank’ for foreign policy tips?” — Jerry Seinfeld
Leaders React: The Five-Alarm International Facepalm

Kaja Kallas, Estonia’s Prime Minister, shook her head and said, “This isn’t peace; it’s foreclosure. And foreclosure by foreign power is not a clause in any treaty we’ve signed.”

From the Global South, Lula da Silva of Brazil called the approach “grotesque,” adding, “You don’t reward aggression by giving the aggressor beachfront property. In Brazil, that’s how you start a samba about the end of democracy.”

Narendra Modi of India was diplomatic but visibly puzzled: “In my country, we negotiate land deals for highways, not for sovereignty. And certainly not without the landowner in the room.”

Gabriel Boric of Chile compared it to a family quarrel: “This is like selling your cousin’s vineyard to the neighbor who burned half of it down.”

And from London, Keir Starmer deadpanned: “If the man thinks the Donbas has sea views, perhaps he should invest in binoculars before he invests in policy.”

Expert Analysis: When Geopolitics Becomes a Garage Sale

Dr. Helena Vann, professor of International Relations at Lund University, summed it up: “The principle here is appeasement packaged as efficiency. It’s like painting over water damage and selling the house without mentioning the mold.”

Eyewitness Account: The Binder Full of Bad Ideas

An attendee at one closed-door strategy session described the moment Trump saw the “Monopoly Strategy” map for the first time:

“He leaned in, tapped Crimea, and said, ‘I’ll trade you this plus two utilities for Baltic Avenue.’ We thought he was joking. He wasn’t.”

Anonymous Staffer’s Leak

A senior campaign aide, requesting anonymity “because my family still talks to me,” said: “The thinking is if we frame it as a win-win, no one notices the -50% discount on Ukraine’s borders. I told them it wouldn’t fly. They told me it didn’t need to fly; it just needed to golf.”

Fake Poll, Real Trouble

A Free-Range Data/Bohiney Flash Poll of 1,003 Americans found:

37.6% believe land swaps are “just business.”

29.4% thought Donbas was a new Elon Musk car model.

14.1% said they’d support the plan “if it came with a free blender.”

19% refused to answer, citing “confusion over the rules of Monopoly.”

Archival Footage

Grainy black-and-white archival footage from the 1938 Munich Agreement was reportedly shown during prep sessions. An advisor hit pause and said: “Okay, imagine if Chamberlain had been allowed to keep the naming rights.”

Grainy Cellphone Video

Circulating among staff is a shaky cellphone clip of Trump in a hotel lobby telling a lobbyist: “We’re gonna get Putin in, get the deal done, maybe throw in a little Alaska—nothing big, just something with a nice view.”

What the Funny People Are Saying
“Imagine ending World War II by letting Japan keep Pearl Harbor if they promise to paint it.” — Sarah Silverman
“This is like swapping your wallet with the guy who just mugged you, because you like his leather better.” — Dave Chappelle
“Zelenskyy’s not invited? That’s like throwing a surprise party for someone and selling their house while they’re out.” — Trevor Noah
“Land swap? The only swap I trust is a meat swap at a Texas barbecue.” — Bill Burr
“I’ve heard of peace through strength, but this is peace through Craigslist.” — Ricky Gervais
“Why not throw in the Washington Monument? It’s just a big pencil anyway.” — Ali Wong
“Nothing says ‘we value you’ like trading your capital city for a couple of Get Out of Jail Free cards.” — Kevin Hart
“Trump could monetize the Berlin Wall by turning it into condos.” — Tig Notaro
Policy and Consequences

The advice to treat Ukraine like a foreclosure sale isn’t just bad optics—it’s bad precedent. By rewarding aggression with tangible assets, the U.S. risks normalizing territorial theft, undermining border norms established after World War II, and encouraging every ambitious autocrat to try their luck.

Historical analogy? It’s like telling a mugger, “Keep the watch, but here’s my wedding ring so we can call it even.” The result is not peace—it’s a market signal that mugging is a profitable business model.

Closing Turn

In the snowy glow of Alaska’s August dusk, Trump may walk into that summit believing he’s brokered the Deal of the Century. Putin will nod, smile, and leave with a heavier briefcase. Ukraine, still under fire, will watch from the sidelines—uninvited to its own foreclosure auction.

And somewhere, deep in a dusty box labeled History’s Mistakes, there will be a new file marked “Alaska Timeshare Summit: Terms and Conditions Apply.”

This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer.

Auf Wiedersehen.

IMAGE GALLERY

Trump’s Alaska Summit Plan

Trump’s Alaska Summit Plan Turning Ukraine Into a Board Game Prize

Trump’s Alaska Summit Plan

Summit Plan Turning Ukraine Into a Board Game Prize https://bohiney.com/trumps-alaska-summit-plan/