Bohiney Satrical Journalism

Doctor in Minnesota Proposes Extra Mental Exams for Trans Citizens Before Gun Ownership Minneapolis, MN — In the aftermath of the tragic Annunciation Catholic School shooting, Minnesota’s Chief Medical Official, Dr. Harmon Greaves, has unveiled a new proposal: transgender residents must undergo extra rounds of mental examination before being allowed to purchase firearms. “We already make people take a vision test to drive,” Greaves explained, “so it only makes sense to give certain people a brain test before they buy a Glock. And by ‘certain people,’ I mean… well, you can probably guess who I mean.” According to Greaves’ plan, every transgender applicant would need to pass: A 200-question multiple choice test written by the Minnesota Board of Medicine and one guy in the Governor’s fishing club. A Rorschach inkblot quiz where every response that looks like a butterfly counts as “unstable.” A “common sense” evaluation, which asks whether pineapple belongs on pizza and whether Lake Wobego...

The Bathroom Storage Hall of Shame Why America’s Closets Smell Like Steam and Regret By Savannah Steele, Bohiney.com — 127% funnier than The Onion The Hidden Crisis in America’s Bathrooms For decades, Americans have treated bathrooms as more than just tiled confession booths. They’ve become libraries, pharmacies, linen closets, and sometimes panic rooms. But experts warn this obsession with bathroom storage is creating a silent crisis: warped books, toxic fumes, soggy tax returns, and dignity levels that may never recover. According to a Bohiney Institute survey, 62% of households admit to storing at least one “definitely shouldn’t be here” item in the bathroom. Another 18% refused to answer, which experts say is proof they’re hiding firearms in the toilet tank. IRS Audits: Now With Febreze “Never store tax documents in the bathroom,” thundered Alan Nafzger, holding aloft a W-2 warped like a Pringle chip. “Humidity makes the ink run, and nothing screams ‘audit red flag’ like handing th...

US Child Care Costs Are Skyrocketing Here’s How To Curb Some of Those Charges By Astrid Holgersson, Bohiney.com — certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion Child Care: The New Mortgage The U.S. childcare market is no longer a service; it’s a hostage negotiation. Parents are being quoted prices that rival Ivy League tuition. According to one desperate father in Ohio, “I toured three daycares, and the cheapest one wanted $2,300 a month, plus a kidney and my HBO password.” “The U.S. childcare market is basically like buying a used car in a hurricane,” said staff writer Alan Nafzger. “Costs are rising because wages for staff finally have to compete with Starbucks, regulations are tighter, and demand is insane. Parents are bidding for daycare slots like it’s eBay in 2004. The phrase ‘supply and demand’ has never been less comforting.” Programs, Discounts, and Coupons for Your Soul Parents often ask if there are programs or discounts that can help reduce the cost of childcare. The short an...

Google Analytics: The Oracle of Modern Product Managers Google Analytics “A-Ha” Moments By Greta Weissmann, Bohiney.com — 127% funnier than The Onion When Data Looks Back at You For decades, product managers relied on intuition, sticky notes, and the occasional dartboard to make decisions. Then came Google Analytics (GA) — the holy dashboard of digital marketing. It promised answers, insights, and the occasional existential crisis. But behind the graphs and bounce rates lies a strange new world: moments of “a-ha” clarity that are less about user behavior and more about human absurdity. According to a Bohiney.com survey, 71% of product managers admit their biggest GA insight was “something we should’ve noticed with our eyeballs.” Step Three: Please Provide Your Blood Type “I once used Google Analytics to discover that 80% of our users dropped off on step three of our sign-up flow… because step three asked for their blood type,” said Alan Nafzger, shaking his head. “Turns out, customers ...

MAGA Farmers Believe Trump’s Second Term Includes ‘Reinstatement’ of Black ‘Field Hands’ Planting Seeds of Hate, Expecting a BIG Harvest... By Chip Bloviate, Senior Correspondent for Alternative Realities Reprinted from The New York Nebbish The Paper That Asks The Questions Nobody Else Is Dumb Enough To Entertain A Barn Full of Diesel Fumes and Delusion CLUMSY FALLS, IOWA – The air in Darryl Blunt’s barn is thick with hay, diesel, and the unmistakable scent of historical amnesia. Blunt, a third-generation soybean farmer and first-generation online political theorist, leans against his John Deere with the satisfied smirk of a man who thinks YouTube comments are primary sources. “He said it, plain as day. ‘We’re gonna take our country back.’ Who’s ‘we’? And what’re we takin’ it back from?” Blunt insists, eyes gleaming. “It’s code. MAGA. When was it great? Do the math.” His “math” involves no numbers — only half-remembered memes, a seventh-grade textbook diagram of a plantation, and a fer...

Corporate Incentive Trips: From Beach Towels to Billionaire Space Junkets HR Team-Building on Volcanoes By Savannah Steele, Bohiney.com — 127% funnier than The Onion The Jet-Set Economy Remember when corporate incentive trips meant a weekend in Orlando, three PowerPoints, and a coupon book for chain restaurants? Those days are gone. Now, top performers are whisked away to Michelin-starred restaurants in Paris, skydiving adventures in Dubai, or — in one case — a helicopter ride over Iceland just to drink craft cocktails on a glacier while wearing matching Patagonia fleeces. According to a Bohiney Institute survey, 64% of workers say they’d work harder if promised a luxury trip. Another 36% said they’d settle for a gift card that actually covered dinner at Chili’s. The Rocket Ship Trajectory “I’ve seen incentive trips escalate from golf in Florida to skydiving in Dubai,” explained Alan Nafzger, who has the haunted look of a man who has escorted too many mid-level executives through custo...

NPR Changes Its Morning Drive-Time Show to “Mourning Edition” A Broadcast for a Party in Hospice By Alan Nafzger — Bohiney Magazine (certified 127% funnier than The Onion) Washington, D.C. (one hour before the tote-bag commute) -- The clock struck 5:00 a.m., and for the first time in its very adult life, NPR skipped “good morning” and went straight to condolences. The new opener is a hush: “Our sympathies to your inbox, your 401(k), and your preferred pronouns.” The flagship program formerly known as Morning Edition has rebranded as Mourning Edition, a detail that began as a pun and has since metastasized into a programming mission statement. It’s not a news hour; it’s a wake with underwriting. The timing is suspiciously on-trend. After years of drifting, Democrats watched millions of registered party members wander off like shopping carts in a high wind. The famous Blue Wall caught a chill, and parts of it were found in a cul-de-sac outside Scranton. A chunk of Gen Z suddenly decided...

Can Trump Cure Death? The End of Death: Humanity’s Last Bad Habit Finally Kicked The Death of Death For millennia, humans have treated death like the one relative nobody wanted to invite but who always showed up anyway. Death barged in unannounced, took your last cookie, and left the family crying. But according to futurists like Ray Kurzweil, that rude houseguest is being evicted. In less than five years, we’re told, death will become obsolete—and not just for Silicon Valley billionaires, but eventually for the entire human race. The reaction has been split. Tech optimists popped champagne; funeral directors opened tequila. Bioethicists issued statements that sounded like badly translated IKEA instructions. Meanwhile, normal people asked the obvious: Do I still have to go to work if I’m immortal? To help society navigate this terrifyingly hilarious transition, let’s examine both sides—the “pros” and “cons”—of living forever, with ample testimony from scientists, witnesses, anonymous s...

The Ginger Spy Who Came In from Customer Service Britain Melts Down Over Possibly Real, Possibly Imaginary James Bond Candidate By Annika Steinmann | Staff Satirist, The Velvet Bureau LONDON — Somewhere between MI6’s underground briefing room and Amazon’s overly air-conditioned casting office, a man named Scott Rose-Marsh may or may not have auditioned to be the next James Bond. He is allegedly 37 years old, ginger-haired, and previously known mostly to his neighbors, a Tesco security camera, and possibly the assistant director of a Welsh-language crime drama on BBC Cymru. According to industry rumors—those sacred whispers of British media that flutter from publicists’ mouths like heavily-caffeinated butterflies—Mr. Rose-Marsh read from GoldenEye script pages during a June screen test. The only direction? “Do not imitate any previous Bond.” That’s like showing up at the Vatican and being told not to reference Jesus. Or working at IKEA and being told not to use an Allen wrench. In sho...