Paramount Pays Trump $16 Million

Paramount Pays Trump $16 Million to Go Away Quietly — But He’s Louder Than Ever

A Reality Show Lawsuit: Trump Turns Editing Complaint Into a Cash Grab

When Donald Trump sued Paramount Global for “malicious editing” of Kamala Harris’s 60 Minutes interview, most people thought it was another publicity stunt — like selling Bible-themed NFTs or challenging wind turbines to a duel. But no. This time, Trump walked away with $16 million and a national precedent: edit a politician badly enough, and you could end up funding their presidential library.

This wasn’t just a legal skirmish. It was a full-scale info-war. Trump claimed that CBS edited Harris’s 2024 interview to make her seem “sharp, focused, and fully aware of which office she holds.” His lawyers argued this amounted to “election interference by illusion.” The lawsuit was filed faster than a Fox News chyron, and before Paramount could say “journalistic integrity,” a settlement check had already cleared.

The Trump Rule: All Political Interviews Must Now Come With Raw Footage and Footnotes

As part of the settlement, Paramount agreed to a new policy unofficially dubbed “The Trump Rule.” All interviews with political candidates must now be accompanied by unedited transcripts, raw B-roll, and a notarized letter confirming that no thoughts were enhanced or deleted.

CBS staff are reportedly furious. One producer referred to the new requirement as “reality television, but with subpoenas.” Moving forward, 60 Minutes will broadcast in its original runtime—60 minutes of uninterrupted blinking, throat-clearing, and vice-presidential foot shuffling.

Even the FCC has weighed in, with Trump-appointed commissioner Brendan Carr praising the move as “a victory for honesty, transparency, and grudges.”

From $20 Billion Demand to $16 Million Payout: Trump Still Calls It a Landslide

Though Trump originally demanded $20 billion—roughly the value of Paramount’s entire soul—he accepted a mere $16 million. For a man who values brand over arithmetic, this was more than a win; it was vindication. In a statement released from his golf course-slash-courtroom in Florida, Trump declared, “They tried to make Kamala look like a real person. That’s fraud. They paid me. I win.”

Sources inside Paramount say the decision wasn’t about guilt, but fear. “It was either pay the settlement or face another five months of Truth Social posts comparing CBS to Al Jazeera,” said one anonymous executive. “We gave in. God help us.”

Inside CBS: Chaos, Resignations, and a Memo Titled “Run”

The fallout inside CBS News was immediate. Executive Producer Bill Owens resigned in protest, citing a loss of editorial freedom. CBS News President Wendy McMahon followed, allegedly writing her resignation on a Post-it note that read: “I’m too old for this.”

Staffers say the newsroom atmosphere resembled a “journalism hospice ward,” complete with wheezing ethics and muted fact-checkers. “We went from asking tough questions to asking whether we’re legally allowed to ask tough questions,” one journalist whispered into a coffee cup.

CBS has declined to comment publicly but did release a statement assuring viewers that their news division “remains committed to factual reporting, corporate caution, and occasionally crying in the breakroom.”

The Settlement’s Real Beneficiary: The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library and Grievance Center

The $16 million will fund Trump’s forthcoming presidential library, a facility expected to contain zero books and at least four animatronic versions of himself. Planned exhibits include:

“The Wall of Alternative Facts”

“The Fake News Funhouse” with distorted mirrors

A “Truth Social Theater” that plays only clips where he yells

A full replica of the Oval Office made of gold-painted Styrofoam

Visitors will exit through the gift shop, where you can purchase redacted transcripts, branded ketchup packets, and limited-edition “DeSantis Tears” mugs.

Library insiders confirm it will be the only presidential library where the elevators talk back.

Senators Warn: This Isn’t a Settlement—It’s a Corporate Bribe in Business Casual

Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders condemned the deal, warning that allowing media giants to pay off political figures sets a dangerous precedent. “This is hush money with a corporate letterhead,” Warren said. “It’s journalism by extortion.”

Sanders was more direct. “It’s a bribe. It’s a bribe. It’s a bribe.” He then pointed to a large poster that read “This Is Still a Bribe” in Comic Sans.

Media watchdogs echoed the sentiment. The Times Union editorial board called the deal “a masterclass in corporate appeasement,” and noted that “when editing Kamala Harris gets you sued, democracy should probably stop for an oil change.”

The FCC’s New Role: Supreme Editor of the American Mind

Brendan Carr, the Trump-aligned FCC commissioner, immediately opened an inquiry into 60 Minutes, suggesting CBS had violated regulations around “news distortion.” Translation: they edited Harris in a way that made her seem like she wasn’t looking for the exit sign mid-sentence.

Carr’s FCC has proposed new rules, including:

A maximum of three jump cuts per interview

Required inclusion of all stammers, sighs, and awkward silences

Banning background music unless it’s “patriotic, instrumental, and approved by Kid Rock”

Civil liberties groups are suing, saying this effectively criminalizes post-production.

Carr responded by threatening to fine a cameraman for “excessive zooming with liberal intent.”

Comedy Isn’t Dead—It’s Just Under Review

Late-night hosts seized on the lawsuit with all the subtlety of a nuclear kazoo. Jon Stewart called the settlement “media protection money,” adding, “I’ve seen more editorial integrity in my high school newspaper, and it was run by stoned 10th graders.”

Jimmy Kimmel offered to personally edit future interviews “using finger puppets and regret.” Stephen Colbert spent an entire monologue pretending to be a CBS lawyer blinking in Morse code.

Trevor Noah delivered the harshest jab: “Trump got paid $16 million because a news show made him mad. If that’s how it works, I’d like to sue my childhood.”

Paramount Pays Trump $16 Million to Go Away Quietly — But He’s Louder Than Ever -- A Reality Show Lawsuit Trump Turns Editing Complaint Into a Cash Grab 

What Satirists and Comedians Are Really Saying

“Trump suing over a TV edit is like me suing a mirror for showing my double chin.” —Ron White

“This isn't a settlement. It’s a loyalty test with money laundering vibes.” —Jerry Seinfeld

“Paramount gave $16 million to the Trump Library. That’s like giving fireworks to a toddler with matches.” —Sarah Silverman

“The FCC now wants to regulate ‘editing bias.’ I once edited a breakup text, do I owe my ex $5 million?” —Chris Rock

“They didn’t even get an apology! That’s like getting mugged and thanking the guy for his time.” —Amy Schumer

“CBS staff quit. Next up: PBS journalists applying to be baristas.” —Larry David

“$16 million for emotional distress? I’d cry on command if CNN gave me half that.” —Trevor Noah

“We’re one Trump tantrum away from all interviews being mime-only.” —Dave Chappelle

“Trump calls this a ‘win for democracy.’ Yeah, like I call losing my keys a win for cardio.” —Kevin Hart

“CBS now edits with oven mitts, just in case.” —Ali Wong

“I want a refund for all the news I watched thinking it was journalism.” —Tig Notaro

“I tried to edit my podcast last week. Now I’m on trial in Texas.” —Billy Crystal

The Newsroom of the Future: One Camera, Zero Risks

In the wake of the settlement, journalism schools are updating syllabi. New required courses include:

“Defamation Avoidance 101”

“How to Conduct Interviews with a Lawyer Present”

“Ethical Reporting in the Age of Fragile Egos”

“PowerPoint for Hostage Negotiations”

Meanwhile, networks are quietly replacing investigative reporters with AI avatars that ask safe questions like, “What’s your favorite kind of cloud?” or “Would you like to sue me now or later?”

CBS’s New Motto: “Courage... But Like, Not Too Much”

CBS now finds itself in an impossible position: trying to restore trust while also installing metaphorical airbags around every interview. Sources say the next season of 60 Minutes may include:

A “Trigger Warning Countdown Clock”

Live commentary from both legal and political advisors

A five-minute “Post-Interview Apology Moment”

As of press time, CBS was testing a new editing software called “LitigaTrim™,” which automatically removes anything that might result in a subpoena.

The Final Joke: The Truth Is on Life Support, But the Check Cleared

Paramount’s decision to settle rather than fight may have made legal sense—but it has gutted newsroom morale, emboldened future lawsuits, and invited censorship through wallet-waving. The First Amendment isn’t dead, but it’s checking Zillow listings in Canada.

What we’re left with is a media industry where truth must be pre-approved, journalists walk on eggshells, and Donald Trump now holds the unofficial title of “Editor-in-Chief by Lawsuit.”

 

DISCLAIMER: This satirical article is a fully human collaboration between the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI helped. All punchlines were written by emotionally stable mammals using their opposable thumbs. If offended, please forward complaints to our fax machine (which we do not check).

Auf Wiedersehen.

Paramount Pays Trump $16 Million, Receives Signed Copy of His Grievance Calendar

AND...

Paramount Pays Trump $16 Million, Receives Signed Copy of His Grievance Calendar

In an unprecedented settlement that reads like the plot of a rejected “Veep” episode, Paramount has paid Donald Trump $16 million—and in return, received a signed copy of his 2024 “Grievance Calendar,” a spiral-bound daily planner chronicling all perceived slights, edits, and onions on his cheeseburgers.

The payment stems from Trump's lawsuit alleging that 60 Minutes, owned by Paramount, maliciously edited footage of Kamala Harris to make her “appear semi-coherent,” thereby harming Trump’s electoral chances. Rather than contest the suit in court, Paramount opted to pay what Trump called “a small price to silence the truth.”

Trump’s legal team hailed the deal as “a massive victory for accountability,” while Paramount staff described it more as “hostage negotiation with legal invoices.” The signed Grievance Calendar includes personal annotations such as “May 3 – CBS made Kamala look sentient” and “June 12 – Lighting technician blinked twice: deep state?”

Critics fear the settlement will chill media freedom, but insiders say it’s already being adapted into a six-episode Hulu drama starring Dennis Quaid as Rupert Murdoch and a mop as Mike Pence.

Trump’s library plans to feature the calendar in a bulletproof display case, alongside his red tie collection and an animatronic Chris Wallace programmed to cry.

Meanwhile, the phrase “Paramount Pays Trump” now outranks “journalistic integrity” on Google.

More soon. Ready for the next one?

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Paramount Pays Trump $16 Million, Receives Signed Copy of His Grievance Calendar

In a move that stunned both Hollywood and every civics teacher in America, Paramount paid Donald Trump $16 million in a settlement over his 60 Minutes lawsuit—and received a signed copy of the former president’s Grievance Calendar as a parting gift. The spiral-bound volume, said to chronicle “every offense against Trump from 2012 to five minutes ago,” includes laminated entries like “CNN haircut bias” and “Paramount made Kamala blink like a human.”

Sources close to Trump say the Grievance Calendar is the cornerstone of his morning routine, second only to yelling at the microwave. Paramount executives, meanwhile, have mounted the calendar in a bulletproof frame in their corporate lobby, next to a portrait of Walter Cronkite sobbing.

Critics say the payout raises serious First Amendment concerns, with media watchdogs warning, “If Paramount pays Trump for perceived bias, then every news outlet will soon be Venmo-ing Matt Gaetz for awkward camera angles.” Still, Google Trends confirms that the phrase “Paramount Pays Trump” is now more searched than “What is journalistic integrity?”

The settlement’s ripple effect continues, with Netflix reportedly offering Trump $20 million to never watch their documentaries, and the Weather Channel preemptively apologizing for implying storms might impact Mar-a-Lago.

As for the Grievance Calendar itself, the final page is blank—except for a golden Post-it note that reads, “SEE YOU IN COURT AGAIN. ❤️ DJT”

2. CBS Journalists Quit After Editing Is Declared a Hate Crime

After Paramount paid Trump $16 million to settle a lawsuit over an allegedly “misleading edit” of Kamala Harris on 60 Minutes, CBS journalists began exiting en masse—citing a new internal policy that equates video editing with felony-level hate crimes.

The revised newsroom guidelines, apparently written in legalese and pure fear, define editing as “the intentional manipulation of footage that may cause emotional distress to elected officials, particularly those who speak like they're reading IKEA instructions off a teleprompter.” One producer reportedly burst into tears after trimming a 3-second stammer from a segment on potholes.

As whispers of censorship spread, CBS anchors were ordered to read scripts verbatim—even if the source fell asleep mid-sentence. Editors were issued tiny hammers for “emergency redaction smashing.” One intern now operates the newsroom blender, just to prove no one’s cutting anything.

Sources say the exodus was triggered the moment “Paramount Pays Trump” began trending in internal memos as both a headline and a password reset question.

Executive producer Bill Owens, upon resigning, stated: “When journalism becomes afraid of jump cuts, it’s time to cut yourself loose.”

Journalism schools are adjusting course titles to match the new paradigm. NYU now offers “Intro to Unedited Honesty,” “Broadcasting Under Threat of Lawsuit,” and “Silence 101.”

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted: “CBS finally learning what FAIR NEWS looks like. NO CUTS. NO CROOKS. JUST CASH.”

The settlement has officially blurred the line between editing and emotional assault—meaning every wedding videographer in America should probably lawyer up.

3. Trump Library to Include Golf Cart Simulator and Ketchup Stain Exhibit

In light of Paramount’s $16 million payout to Donald Trump, the Trump Presidential Library has officially upgraded its planned attractions. The centerpiece? A deluxe golf cart simulator powered by voter fraud allegations and a ketchup stain exhibit curated in partnership with Heinz and deep-seated rage.

Construction crews broke ground on the “Emotion Pavilion,” which will house the original Grievance Calendar, a Twitter Hall of Fame, and now—thanks to Paramount’s generosity—a luxury simulator where guests can reenact Trump’s most famous bunker-to-green putts while listening to remixed chants of “Lock Her Up.”

The ketchup exhibit, meanwhile, preserves splatter patterns from Trump’s Oval Office tantrums. Each stain is framed with a bronze plaque: “June 2020: Fox Called Arizona,” “August 2023: Melania Won’t Blink,” and the now-famous “Paramount Pays Trump.”

Library architects confirmed that the gift shop will also sell ketchup bottles shaped like teleprompters, golf balls printed with MSNBC logos, and talking Ivanka dolls that only say “That’s so brave, Dad.”

The $16 million from Paramount has accelerated the project’s timeline. The museum is expected to open in early 2026, or whenever Rudy Giuliani pays his bar tab—whichever comes first.

Paramount’s payment may have preserved a fragile truce, but insiders say it also bought them a spot on the library’s “Donors of Deep Regret” wall—next to Meta, Disney, and two anonymous interns from The View.

Critics call the library a shrine to narcissism. Supporters call it “a national park for feelings.” Trump just calls it “classy.”

4. FCC Declares Sarcasm a Subversive Editing Tactic

In a regulatory update straight out of a dystopian sitcom, the FCC has officially declared sarcasm a “subversive editing tactic,” citing Paramount’s recent settlement with Donald Trump as precedent. Under the new rule, “intonation, implication, and comedic pauses longer than 1.5 seconds” are considered manipulative devices unless approved by a federal Humor Officer.

The decision comes days after the media frenzy over Paramount’s $16 million payout to Trump, which legal analysts now say set a bizarre tone for how broadcasters must frame public figures: flat, literal, and fearfully polite.

According to FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr, sarcasm “can be weaponized to portray someone as less sincere, less competent, or slightly out of breath.” He cited a 60 Minutes segment where Kamala Harris’s pause was edited down to “a comedic beat,” which the Trump legal team called “defamation through cadence.”

In the wake of the declaration, major news networks are rolling out “sarcasm scrubbers,” a new AI-powered system that scans video for tonal infraction and replaces offending segments with legally safe affirmations like “I agree,” “That was clear,” and “This is not ironic.”

The phrase “Paramount Pays Trump” is now reportedly being studied at Yale Law as both a case precedent and a warning to students with improv backgrounds.

Meanwhile, satire publications are considering changing their entire business model to silent interpretive dance.

Carr concluded, “In these sensitive times, the American people deserve truth. And if we have to bulldoze irony to get there, so be it.”

The Onion declined to comment, but issued a press release consisting only of one long, sustained scream.

5. https://bohiney.com/paramount-pays-trump-16-million/