Zuckerberg's Secret Superintelligence Lab

Meta’s $15 Billion Brainstorm: Zuckerberg Forms Secret Superintelligence Lab, Accidentally Invents Another Llama

By Staff Satirist, Bohiney.com — Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion

In a move that shocked absolutely no one who’s ever seen a tech bro hallucinate on kombucha and power, Mark Zuckerberg has officially unveiled Meta’s plan to build "superintelligence." Not just intelligence. Not even artificial intelligence. But super intelligence. Because regular intelligence is for unpaid interns.

According to secret WhatsApp messages leaked from a group called “Recruiting Party” (which tragically had no chips or guac), Zuckerberg is assembling 50 elite coders and thinkers, offering them nine-figure packages to join what he’s calling his “Fantastic Fifty.” The lab’s mission? To make AI that is smarter than you, your therapist, and probably your dog. Combined.

“This is a historic moment,” said a Meta spokesperson who may or may not be a hologram. “Zuck doesn’t want to be God. He just wants to create something smarter than God. You know, for product optimization.”

The Cult of the Fantastic Fifty

Observers have noted that offering someone $100 million to stare at Python code is an excellent way to end capitalism as we know it. One anonymous tech recruiter put it plainly:

“Nine figures? There’s no way that’s real. Is it lol?”

Even the business press started choking on their caviar when they learned Meta spent more on Scale AI than they did acquiring WhatsApp. Which is wild, because WhatsApp actually works sometimes.

Experts from ASU claim this “superintelligence” label is more branding than brainpower—comparing it to “gluten-free bacon” and “low-carb shampoo.” You can’t make a machine smarter than humans by naming it after a barnyard animal. That didn’t stop Meta from rolling out Llama 4, though—an AI model with the performance power of a Reddit thread moderated by goldfish.

“What’s the deal with superintelligence? If humans are so great, why did Zuckerberg have to pay 50 people to think for him?” — Jerry Seinfeld

Llama Drama and the Behemoth Delay

Meta’s highly anticipated “Behemoth” model was quietly delayed. Probably because you can’t drop $15 billion into a machine and expect it to solve philosophy. Or even pronounce “Behemoth.” When asked about the delay, insiders say it had to do with "governance alignment concerns"—which is tech-speak for "nobody could agree on what button to push."

Meanwhile, contractors from Scale AI—yes, the very same company Meta just dove into like Scrooge McDuck—are suing for psychological damage after being forced to label disturbing content. Because nothing says “future of intelligence” like “developed by traumatized freelancers and overseen by a 28-year-old kid with stock options.”

“They delayed Behemoth—sounds less like AI and more like a WWE wrestler out with injury.” — Ron White

“Meta could rename again—MetAIverse? At this rate, soon they’ll call it ‘Meta: Now With AI and Fries!’” — Jerry Seinfeld

Zuckerberg’s Hiring Philosophy: Get Smart or Get Rich

What do you get when you cross a billionaire, a God complex, and nine figures in recruiting money? Apparently, a superintelligence lab. Meta isn’t building this lab to compete with OpenAI, Google DeepMind, and Anthropic. It’s building it because the algorithms demanded it.

The team is led not by a Nobel-winning scientist, but a young business operator from Scale AI. Why? Because when you’re investing $15 billion, it’s important to hire someone who understands the synergy of buzzwords.

“They hired a biz guy to lead AI—what’s next? Hiring a plumber to fix particle physics?” — Sarah Silverman

“Hiring a 28‑year‑old to lead superintelligence—because nothing says ‘wise beyond years’ like dropping out of MIT.” — Kevin Hart

Meanwhile, in Alternate Reality…

Let’s put things in perspective: Meta is spending more on this than on the GDP of Fiji, the Smithsonian, or any department with the word “ethics” in its title. And the ultimate goal? An AI assistant that can finally laugh at your dad jokes and mine your calendar for ad dollars simultaneously.

Meta’s assistant already has over a billion users, but if you ask it to tell a joke, it usually just suggests a Vine from 2014. When asked if this was intentional, one developer whispered, “We trained it on Mark’s facial expressions.”

“They already have a billion users—but ask them to delete your data, and they say ‘I can’t, Dave.’” — Trevor Noah

“Superintelligence sounds ominous—but what if all it does is optimize ads?” — Amy Schumer

Fake Evidence, Real Laughs

Digital evidence: The leaked “Recruiting Party” WhatsApp chat confirms the team was assembled via group text. That’s how you know it’s serious.

Testimonial evidence: Reddit users reacted with, “No way this is real,” which in tech circles counts as peer-reviewed feedback.

Scientific deduction: If AI is made by humans, and humans are fallible, then AI is just a really fast mistake machine.

Analogy: It’s like giving an 8-year-old a chainsaw and saying, “Be creative!”

Social evidence: OpenAI, Google, and Amazon are all racing toward AGI. Meanwhile, Meta’s that kid at the science fair with a Tesla coil and no understanding of electricity.

“Everyone’s racing to AGI—it’s like Black Friday for intelligence, except nobody’s lining up.” — Ricky Gervais

The Risks? Oh, Just Civilization Ending

Don’t worry! Meta’s team is very concerned about the existential threat of AI. They’re planning a PowerPoint presentation about it soon, followed by snacks. Critics have warned that consolidating too much power in too few models could lead to catastrophic misuse, disinformation, or even extinction.

Zuckerberg’s response? “We’re open-sourcing Llama 3.”

“They want AI smarter than humans—great, finally someone will understand my in-laws.” — Larry David

“If the AI goes rogue, it might just refuse to serve ads—and that’s true rebellion.” — Bill Burr

Final Thoughts from the Machine-Obsessed Mind

Mark Zuckerberg has gone full supervillain and built a lab dedicated to beating humanity at thinking. Whether it leads to the Singularity or just another photo filter is unclear. But one thing’s for sure: the future is being coded by traumatized contractors, a 28-year-old CEO, and one guy who thought “Behemoth” was a pet name for his Tesla.

“They dropped $15 billion—but my savings account can't even afford a Medium membership.” — Dave Chappelle

“Meta’s AI assistant already has a billion users—but ask it to laugh, and it replies: ‘Haha… glitch.’” — Ali Wong

Conclusion: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

When all is said and done, Meta’s race for “superintelligence” may be less about solving the universe’s mysteries, and more about making your smart fridge finally understand your trauma. But if the AI wakes up one day, looks at humanity, and decides we’re not worth the compute power—well, that’s just another Zuckerberg feature we won’t be able to turn off.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Disclaimer: This article is a collaborative effort between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a dairy-farming philosophy major. No superintelligence was consulted, although one did try to unionize.