Young Women Seeking Careers in Satire

Man Under Investigation for Allegedly Taking Advantage of Young Women Who Seeking Careers in Satire "He Told Me My Punchline Had Potential… and Then Asked If I Had a Headshot," Says One Aspiring Comic Byline: Bohiney.com Satirical Bureau — Because Truth is Too Slow NEW YORK, NY — A self-proclaimed "Mentor of the Muse," 57-year-old humorist Chadley Penumbra is under investigation for allegedly exploiting the ambitions of young women seeking careers in satire. Authorities describe the case as “a disturbingly ironic misuse of irony,” and one agent reportedly had to sit down and breathe into a whoopee cushion just to calm down. “He Said He Could Help Me Build a Portfolio…” According to multiple sources, Penumbra would allegedly approach women at open mic nights, zine fairs, and bookstore bathrooms, promising to “refine their voice” and “unlock their comedic shadow chakra.” In reality, many say he just wanted to host "writing sessions" in his apartment above a vape store in Bushwick, where the only visible books were Catch-22 and a signed copy of Tucker Max’s memoir. “I thought he was serious when he said he had written for The Onion,” said aspiring satirist Marnie Bellflower, 24. “Turns out he just once submitted a headline and got ghosted. He even showed me the rejection email like it was a Pulitzer.” Another woman reported, “He told me my premise had ‘early Fran Lebowitz energy,’ and then asked if I’d ever considered writing while topless ‘to feel the satire more directly.’” She declined, stating that satire already had enough boobs. What the Funny People Are Saying “He told one girl she needed to ‘embrace Hemingway’s discipline’ and then passed out in a beanbag chair.” — Sarah Silverman “If this guy was any more manipulative, he’d be a Mad Libs version of Harvey Weinstein.” — Bill Burr “He told a woman her joke structure needed ‘more vulnerability’ and then showed her his back tattoo of Ayn Rand holding a banana.” — Jerry Seinfeld The Chadley Method™ Penumbra, who brands himself as a “Satire Whisperer™” and “PhD in Parody” (with neither credentials nor a website that loads), offers courses like Satire as Seduction, Irony for Intimacy, and Jest with Benefits. One workshop, titled “Pitch Meetings on the Couch,” was held in what sources describe as a futon surrounded by expired LaCroix cans and a poster of Jon Stewart with the eyes cut out. His Zoom seminar, “How to Weaponize Metaphor,” reportedly ended when Chadley asked a 19-year-old participant if she had “ever considered writing satire from inside a bubble bath?” FBI Calls It “A Slippery Slope… Made of Wit and Misconduct” Special Agent Rebecca Flint of the FBI’s Cultural Crimes Division said, “This is the first time we’ve seen grooming behavior that uses New Yorker cartoons as foreplay.” Flint confirmed the Bureau received complaints after Penumbra allegedly promised publication in McSweeney’s in exchange for “a highly subjective giggle rating,” determined during “a trust fall with wordplay.” “We’re all for mentorship,” said Flint. “But telling a 20-year-old she needs to ‘learn the language of irony through touch’ is not pedagogy. That’s pervy Mad Libs.” The Victims Speak Out A leaked group chat titled “#MeTooButFunny?” features testimonials from more than 30 women who say they were misled, manipulated, or mildly bored by Penumbra. One woman shared that he introduced himself with, “I do character work… and right now I’m playing a woke feminist ally,” before asking to roleplay Nora Ephron and Woody Allen debating over Thai food. Another said he “promised exposure” but delivered only an “open mic at a pizza place where the only audience was a feral cat named ‘Thatcher.’” His Defense: “Satire Is Supposed to Make People Uncomfortable” Reached for comment while shopping for saffron at Trader Joe’s, Penumbra told reporters, “This is cancel culture weaponizing slapstick. Everyone’s misinterpreting me. When I asked those women to sit on my lap while editing, it was to teach them about point of view.” He added, “Real satire is dangerous. It has to come from the loins.” He then attempted to hand reporters a printed copy of an essay he claimed was once retweeted by Patton Oswalt’s cousin. Industry Reaction: Shock, But Mostly Eyerolls Several satire organizations have distanced themselves from Penumbra, including The National Onion Alumni, The College Humor Recovery Coalition, and a Facebook group titled “David Sedaris Never Did This.” Bohiney.com released a formal statement: “We believe satire should punch up, not grope down.” Even McSweeney’s, known for publishing oddly specific personal essays, issued a rare roast: “He tried to pitch us an article titled ‘The Absurdity of Consent: A Satirical Fable Told Through Ferrets.’ We blocked his email.” Chadley’s Legacy? A Cautionary Limerick A viral limerick sums up the situation: There once was a man full of jest,Who claimed he knew satire the best.He’d flatter young gals,Then act like their pals—Till they ghosted and told all the rest. Call for Change in the Satirical Scene Activists have launched a new nonprofit called #PunchlineWithConsent, aimed at providing safe, professional mentorship to aspiring comedy writers. “There’s a difference between critique and creep,” said organizer Dana Vargas. “You shouldn’t have to navigate innuendo just to get feedback on a joke about butter churns.” Final Irony: His Career, Too, Is a Punchline Penumbra has reportedly started a Substack titled “Cancelled but Clever,” which currently has three subscribers — all of whom are bots trained to identify incels. When asked if he had any regrets, Penumbra paused and said, “Just that I never got to write that pilot about a clown orgy set during the French Revolution.” Disclaimer:This satirical article is a fictional collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor of feminist comedy and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. All characters, crimes, and cringe were invented for the purposes of social commentary, laughter, and moral horror. Any resemblance to real-life Chadleys is purely coincidental but deeply unfortunate.   MORE NEWS: The Onion Accidentally Hires Accused Satire Creep, Mistakes Him for Performance Art Piece CHICAGO, IL — Editors at The Onion are scrambling after learning that their newest freelance contributor, Chadley Penumbra, was not, in fact, an experimental performance artist meant to parody toxic male mentors in literary culture. “I mean, he wore a velvet blazer to a Zoom meeting and pitched a headline called ‘Satire Tutor Calls Young Female Writers ‘Sweetie’ In Irony-Soaked Scandal’ — we thought it was a bit!” said senior editor Jeanette Rupp. According to internal documents, Penumbra’s cover letter was written entirely in the third person and included lines like “He’s been rejected more times than a vegan at a Texas BBQ.” The Onion team, famous for satirical absurdism, mistook his self-loathing and vague misogyny as layered meta-commentary. “Turns out he’s just a guy who thinks making eye contact during a roast battle is consent,” said one unpaid intern who quit mid-edit. The Onion has since added a new HR protocol: ‘If he cites Lenny Bruce while asking you to collaborate in a robe, walk out.’ The publication issued a public apology stating: “We pride ourselves on making fun of creeps, not accidentally giving them a column.” Penumbra is now reportedly pitching to Cracked under the pseudonym “IronicChad1999,” with a new essay titled “How to Weaponize Sarcasm While Also Doing Absolutely Nothing Wrong Ever.” The Onion’s lawyers are currently in talks to option his apology video as a black-and-white short film titled: Sorry, Not Satire. Babylon Bee Staff Praise Man as “Victim of Cancel Culture,” Hire Him as Executive Editor SAN ANTONIO, TX — The Babylon Bee has come under fire for appointing Chadley Penumbra, the disgraced “satire coach,” as its new Executive Editor of Women’s Humor Outreach, calling his arrest “a prophetic trial by fire.” “Sure, he might’ve said a few uncomfortable things,” said Bee co-founder Kyle Rapture, “but Jesus also made people uncomfortable — and He was never charged.” Penumbra’s new column, titled “Heretic of Humor,” launches next Tuesday and features pieces like “Eve Was the First Satirist: She Bit the Forbidden Fruit of Irony” and “Cancel Culture Crucified Me: A Satirical Passion Play in Five Parts.” According to insiders, Bee staff were “impressed” by Penumbra’s ability to manipulate younger writers into defending problematic jokes by calling them “biblically subversive.” “He taught me satire should feel like an exorcism performed with a thesaurus,” said new intern Abby Lynn McPurity, who left seminary to pursue freelance Jesus comedy. Penumbra’s first staff meeting included a lecture on “Divinely Inspired Sarcasm,” followed by a trust fall and an impromptu reading of the Book of Job reimagined as a roast battle. Backlash has been swift. One reader tweeted, “This is less satire and more just fundamentalism in dad jeans.” Still, the Bee’s traffic has doubled among men over 50 who believe Bill Maher is too liberal now. Penumbra is now working on a satire devotional called “Irony & Incense: 365 Days of Humbled Humor,” featuring daily affirmations like: “If the joke offends her, maybe God’s just testing her comedy chops.” Penumbra denied the allegations in a podcast interview titled: “Woke Isn’t Funny: My Life as a Canceled Christian Clown.” He closed with: “Jesus turned water into wine. I turn trauma into punchlines.” Reductress Accidentally Satirizes Man’s Behavior Before Realizing It’s Real BROOKLYN, NY — In an act of tragic irony, feminist satire outlet Reductress published an article mocking a fictional "satire coach who ‘empowers’ women by negging their stand-up sets,” only to discover that the man in question — Chadley Penumbra — actually exists. The piece, titled “Man Says He Loves ‘Strong Female Satirists,’ Immediately Asks If You’ve Read Bukowski,” went viral before staff realized they were inadvertently describing a real person, almost verbatim. “He quoted Margaret Atwood in a DM,” said contributor Delia Nix, “and then followed it with, ‘Let’s unpack your comedic trauma over wine?’ I thought it was parody. I thought I was the one being satirical.” After five different contributors submitted nearly identical personal anecdotes, editors launched a fact-check. “He hosted a workshop called ‘Writing Satire from the Pelvis,’” said one source. “There was a PowerPoint… and incense.” Now, Reductress has rebranded their original piece with a disclaimer: “This article was meant as parody. Unfortunately, Chadley is real.” Since then, Penumbra has been spotted reposting Reductress headlines with captions like, “Art imitates life. Especially when life has great abs.” An internal memo warns contributors: “Any male satire ‘expert’ who calls himself a midwife to your inner Tina Fey is a red flag with legs.” In an effort to reclaim the moment, Reductress launched a campaign titled “Don’t Trust Chadley”, offering writing mentorships led exclusively by women and non-creepy non-binary people. Said editor-in-chief Beth Whistle, “We mock oppressive systems — not feed them espresso and give them open mics.” Penumbra has now offered to “apologize through interpretive comedy” at next month’s Womxn in Irony Summit. The event is sold out. Protesters will be handing out pamphlets titled: “Satire Shouldn’t Smell Like Musk and Manipulation.” The Hard Times Mistakes Creep for “Character Comic,” Books Him at Punk Comedy Festival LOS ANGELES, CA — Editors at The Hard Times, the punk-rock-themed satire site, have issued an apology after booking Chadley Penumbra — the accused “satire mentor” under investigation — for their upcoming DIY Comedy Slam, mistaking his "creepy washed-up hipster persona" for a deliberate bit. “We thought he was doing some ironic, alt-humor take on the old Vice magazine editor trope,” said festival co-chair Benny Grave. “Turns out, he’s just that guy.” Penumbra showed up in a distressed Joy Division tee, carrying a moleskine labeled “Smutty Satire Concepts” and introduced himself as “the Louis CK of post-woke parody.” “He pitched a bit called ‘Consent Is a Spectrum… of Laughter,’” said one volunteer. “We thought it was a parody of satire bros. Then he tried to touch the mic stand like it owed him something.” Security escorted him out after he attempted to host a “mentorship” circle in the beer tent featuring lines like: “Satire is the gateway to sensual honesty.” In the aftermath, The Hard Times has doubled down on vetting their performers. Their new policy includes a clause titled: “If You Smell Like Sage and Shame, You’re Out.” Penumbra later claimed he was “killed by cancel culture,” then immediately offered to perform a 40-minute one-man show in a Denny’s parking lot titled “Punchlines and Peccadillos.” He also tried selling merch at the gate — t-shirts that read: “Satire Coach: Because Trauma Is the New Setup.” The shirts were seized, burned, and rebranded as cringe-core memorabilia. Said one attendee: “Punk is dead. And apparently, so is his career.” ClickHole Declares Man “Too On-The-Nose,” Denies Him Parody Citizenship THE INTERNET — Surreal satire juggernaut ClickHole has officially denied Chadley Penumbra “parody citizenship,” stating the man’s behavior “violates the Clickhole Constitution of Existential Absurdity.” “Even we couldn’t make up a guy who hosts ‘empathy-based roast writing’ workshops in his basement,” said ClickHole’s Chief Vibes Director. Penumbra had submitted a piece titled “I Got Reincarnated as a Female Satirist So I Could Hit on Myself Without Feeling Guilty,” which was promptly rejected with a note: “Please seek counseling. Not an edit.” ClickHole’s algorithm — named “Satira” — flagged Chadley’s bio as “too greasy to render ironically.” Sources confirm Penumbra once emailed the editorial staff six times in a row with subject lines like: “Too Woke to Joke?” “Satire Daddy Needs a Platform” “Women Say I’m Problematic — I Say That’s the Setup” Editors responded by mailing him a potato with the word “NO” carved into it. Penumbra later accused ClickHole of “satirical gatekeeping” and launched his own parody site, DickCrater.com, which has since published three articles, all titled: “They Say I’m Canceled, But These Interns Say I’m ‘Just Misunderstood.’” ClickHole has updated their submission policy: “No essays beginning with the phrase, ‘As a misunderstood mentor…’” When asked for final comment, a ClickHole spokesperson said, “We once published ‘I Just Found Out My Therapist Is a Goose,’ and even that felt less disturbing than this guy’s actual resume.” Penumbra is now reportedly petitioning The Onion to be recognized as a fictional character. Their response: “Only if you come with a warning label and a punchline.” https://bohiney.com/young-women-seeking-careers-in-satire/