We Love Immigrants! Just Not Here

“We Love Immigrants! Just Not Here”: California’s Favorite New Political Dish—Empathy With a Side of Eviction The Protest That Changed Nothing, But Felt Great SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA — In a scene worthy of an Oscar-nominated short film funded by guilt and oat milk, dozens of residents from the affluent Hillside-Terra-Cielo-Latte neighborhood took to the streets last week to protest an early morning ICE raid on a local restaurant chain. The demonstration was a mix of outrage, jazz flute, and really good signage — one poster even read, “No Borders, No Bad Yelp Reviews.” But before the news cameras could even pack up their tripods, many of these same neighbors pivoted—faster than a politician on Adderall—to also protest a proposed housing development that would have given a few of those very same immigrant workers a place to live… within walking distance. Yes, California is once again performing its greatest one-act play: “We Love Immigrants — But in Theory.” Or as Ron White might say: “They want tacos, not tenants.” Bohiney Insight into California’s Convenient Compassion This irony is richer than the béchamel sauce at José’s Fusion Bistro, which may or may not reopen depending on how many of the kitchen staff remain un-deported. Here’s what we’ve observed from our field reporting, poorly parked Subarus, and fly-on-the-wall HOA meetings: “San Diego residents chant ‘No human is illegal’ — unless that human wants a lease within five miles of their yoga studio.” “They want immigrants in the kitchen, not in the cul-de-sac.” “We stand with immigrant workers,” said one protester, carefully stepping over a landscaping crew she’d never spoken to. “The same people who say ICE is fascist also say affordable housing is an environmental hazard.” “In California, immigrant solidarity ends at the HOA property line.” “They have a right to work,” said a man sipping an $18 tamarind mojito — just not a right to sleep near my Range Rover.” “Residents want authentic tacos, not authentic neighbors.” “They want immigrant cooks, cleaners, and gardeners — just none of those roles living in their vintage Craftsman bungalow neighborhood.” “We oppose ICE!” they cried — before filing 47 zoning complaints to stop a housing unit within sight of their Peloton.” “A local activist wore a shirt that said ‘Build Bridges Not Walls,’ while actively lobbying against a new bus stop.” “I’m pro-immigrant,” one man said, “but these new apartments will block my view of the succulent garden.” “They want cultural diversity, as long as it’s at a safe distance and comes with valet.” “The rally against ICE ended early… because someone spotted a city planning truck and panicked.” “They love immigrant families — in political ads, food festivals, and documentaries, not in the local school district.” “It’s ‘Yes we can!’ at the protest… and ‘No they can’t live here!’ at the town hall meeting.” The Hypocrisy Industrial Complex™ It’s an unspoken but clearly delineated social contract in certain zip codes: We want to protect immigrant workers. But not too close. Certainly not next to Cheryl’s birdbath installation. These are the same voters who once tearfully cheered for DACA recipients on MSNBC and then voted against a community housing bill because it “wasn’t in alignment with the Mediterranean aesthetic of our neighborhood.” It’s a progressive paradox: Support their dreams. Just not their leases. What the Funny People Are Saying "I marched to support immigrant rights… then immediately joined a Facebook group to stop them from moving into my school district."— Sarah Silverman "California liberals are like, ‘Immigrants make our food!’ Yeah—because you won’t let them live in your neighborhood unless they’re inside a tortilla."— Ron White "We don’t want ICE in our streets! But we also don’t want low-income housing because… you know, ‘character of the neighborhood.’”— Jerry Seinfeld "I asked my neighbor why she was protesting the ICE raid. She said, ‘Because I love Enrique—he makes the best avocado toast in town!’ I said, ‘Does Enrique live here?’ She goes, ‘Ew, no.’”— Ali Wong "Only in California can you attend a protest against deportations, then go home and sign a petition to block an apartment complex named ‘Casa de Inclusión.’”— Trevor Noah "It’s not racism. It’s… ‘zoning purity.’ That’s like saying I’m not racist, I just want my racism highly curated and legally enforced."— Dave Chappelle "We’re a sanctuary city! Unless the sanctuary comes with two parking spots and shared laundry, then it’s a ‘blight on the community.’"— Larry David "These people are screaming ‘Immigrants are part of our family!’ while filing restraining orders against duplexes."— Bill Burr "In California, they love diversity the way they love spice in food—just a pinch, not too close, and always optional."— Wanda Sykes "It’s funny how ‘not in my backyard’ becomes ‘yes, chef!’ the minute the waiter brings out tamales."— Kevin Hart "One guy at the rally yelled, ‘Let them stay!’ and then drove his Tesla to a gated community named ‘Esperanza Hills’ that only hires immigrants by the hour."— Ricky Gervais "I told a woman at the protest, ‘Hey, maybe we could rezone to allow more housing?’ and she looked at me like I farted on Frida Kahlo’s grave."— Amy Schumer A Glimpse Inside the Town Hall of Shame We obtained transcripts from a recent town hall meeting where residents debated the new housing complex: Margo B., Herbal Chiropractor:“I just think a four-story building will interrupt the hummingbird traffic patterns. And also, where will I park my Subaru now?” Darren Q., Compost Influencer:“I’m not racist, I just don’t want non-organic people living here.” Lisa P., owner of Succulent Couture:“This isn't about immigrants. This is about the sacred view from my kombucha deck.” Miguel R., line cook (actual immigrant):“I just want to live somewhere closer than a two-hour bus ride. But it’s cool, I’ll go back to sleeping in the walk-in freezer.” The History of Hooray-But-No-Way California has a long legacy of this kind of two-faced sympathy. Let’s not forget: 2006: Los Angeles residents supported immigration reform—then filed noise complaints when mariachi bands practiced in local parks. 2011: Bay Area activists protested federal raids—while evicting undocumented tenants from illegally converted garages. 2020: San Franciscans stood for Black Lives Matter, but mysteriously objected to bus routes that would have brought brown lives into Pacific Heights. The Yelp Review That Said Too Much A now-deleted Yelp review from a popular brunch spot reads: “The huevos rancheros are incredible, you can taste the labor rights! I just wish the staff didn’t park their cars near my kid’s Montessori yurt.” Another said: “The authenticity is amazing. Just please build housing for them somewhere else… like Texas.” The Psychology of Performative Kindness According to Dr. Adina Shrubstein, a behavioral psychologist who studies contradictions in progressive moral signaling: “It’s what we call the ‘Decorative Empathy Syndrome.’ People want to appear good, but not inconvenience themselves. It’s like framing a ‘Coexist’ bumper sticker while voting against bus routes.” Dr. Shrubstein added, “These same people will Venmo a friend $8 for an activist t-shirt but file a lawsuit to stop a shelter from opening nearby.” Statistical Support (from Our Fictional Institute) We surveyed 1,000 residents of the Hillside-Terra-Cielo-Latte neighborhood: 97% support immigrant workers’ rights 92% believe ICE is oppressive 0.03% would be comfortable with their daughter dating a dishwasher from Oaxaca 83% thought “low-income housing” was a plotline from The Wire 56% confused “zoning reform” with a yoga pose Eyewitness Accounts Danielle M., bartender:“I served them all mezcal margaritas at the protest and then saw half of them at the HOA meeting screaming about ‘shadows on their rosemary hedges.’” Enrique G., detained prep cook:“They held a candlelight vigil for me… but wouldn’t sign a letter supporting housing that I could’ve moved into. Gracias, I guess?” Hector, Lyft driver:“I picked up one of the protestors. He was on the phone yelling, ‘We can’t have a bunch of people loitering in our neighborhood!’ I dropped him off at a library.” What Would Jesus Do? A local church issued the following paradoxical statement: “As Christians, we believe in welcoming the stranger. But not if that stranger drives down our property values.” Final Thoughts: Satire Lives Here This is California’s unspoken mantra: “We love immigrant workers — especially when they’re in the background of our lives, seasoning things.” From the Sierra Club brunches to Instagram stories captioned “#NoBanNoWall” taken from the comfort of $2 million homes, this is the golden hypocrisy of the Golden State. You can chant “Si Se Puede” all you want — just don’t chant it near a planning commission. As one local put it: “We believe in diversity. Just not density.” MORE NEWS NOW... San Diego Protesters Declare Solidarity, Then Immediately Oppose New Housing In a display of performative acrobatics, San Diego residents gathered to protest an ICE raid on a local taqueria, waving signs like “Immigrants Are Family” and “No Deportation Without Representation.” The mood was tearful, hopeful, and high in free-trade incense. But less than 24 hours later, the same group of protestors attended a zoning board meeting to oppose a proposed affordable housing project nearby — the same one that could have housed the line cooks and dishwashers they cried for. “I’m all for sanctuary cities,” said local activist Bree T. of the Terra Sol Latte district, “but four-story buildings? That’s basically terrorism.” One concerned homeowner cited increased shadow patterns on her succulent collection. Another worried about traffic near her Tesla charger. Analysts are calling this the fastest political 180 since Bill Clinton discovered saxophones poll well. Protester-turned-petitioner Chad Greene clarified, “Look, I want immigrant workers to live somewhere. Just not... here here.” Ironically, the housing development is named La Esperanza, Spanish for “hope.” But as this story proves, hope can’t afford a two-bedroom in San Diego. Neighborhood Unites Against ICE, Divides Over Duplexes After rallying together to condemn ICE raids in a show of progressive unity, residents of Hillside-Terra Heights quickly shattered that illusion by waging a full-scale, latte-fueled war against a new duplex proposal. “We marched side-by-side for immigrant rights,” said yoga instructor and part-time ukulele healer Heather V., “but duplexes are basically the gateway drug to triplexes. And from there... it’s just a slippery slope to shared laundry rooms.” At the protest, locals wore “Sí Se Puede” shirts; at the planning commission hearing, they wore fear. One resident brought charts showing projected noise pollution from immigrant toddlers, while another raised the alarm about “illegal hammocks” potentially cluttering the greenbelt. Sociologist Dr. Carlos Mendoza described the dynamic as “Schrödinger’s Inclusion”—the community is both inclusive and exclusionary, depending on how close you park. As tensions mount, a new sign has appeared near the proposed site: “Justice for All (Except on My Street).” One anonymous protester summed it up: “We want to help—just not if it impacts brunch parking.” Pro-Immigrant Lawn Sign Fades in Sunlight, Much Like Resident’s Convictions What began as a hopeful display of progressive pride—a bold lawn sign reading “Immigrants Welcome”—has now faded into a beige whisper of its former self, much like the homeowner’s political consistency. Local resident Brent Thornberry, who initially planted the sign after reading half of a Vox article, now says he’s “not so sure about that new apartment proposal... or the number of people waiting at the bus stop lately.” Neighbors report that Brent was also overheard asking if “they” could be required to have background checks before renting, “just to be safe.” The sign, now sun-bleached and tilting, has become something of a local monument to conditional compassion. “It’s really a metaphor,” said one neighbor. “Looks great in spring, then peels when exposed to actual consequences.” A local poet even wrote a haiku about it: Welcome on the lawnBut not down the street or nearMy daughter’s school, please City officials are considering designating Brent’s lawn as a historic site: “Birthplace of the Half-Hearted Movement.” Hillside HOA Launches Campaign: ‘Immigrants Welcome (with Valid Parking Permits)’ In a landmark vote last week, the Hillside Homeowners’ Association passed a resolution affirming their commitment to immigrant inclusion—just so long as said immigrants adhere to strict parking, noise, and shrub-trimming ordinances. The new campaign slogan: “Immigrants Welcome (with Valid Parking Permits)” is being printed on reusable canvas tote bags and HOA-compliant yard signs. “Diversity is important,” said HOA president Ken Delvecchio, “but let’s not get carried away with spontaneity. We have rules. And a vibe.” The new campaign encourages prospective tenants to “enjoy cultural expression within reason,” including celebrating heritage holidays only during daylight hours and keeping mariachi to a respectful volume. Residents must also submit a landscaping plan for approval. An early draft of the slogan—“We Love Immigrants Who Mow Lawns, Not Laws”—was scrapped after pushback from the Gardening Ethics Committee. Still, some residents feel the move doesn’t go far enough. “I’d like to see an immigrant-specific noise curfew,” suggested one homeowner, who cited “spicy laughter” as disruptive to dog meditation sessions. Local Tamale Festival Raises $17,000 for Deportees, Blocks Permit for Affordable Housing This year’s Tamale for Justice Festival was a massive success, raising $17,000 for immigrant legal defense funds and featuring a five-hour lineup of performers, chefs, and micro-influencers. Festival-goers cried during a speech by Maria, a deported mother of three, and then promptly signed a petition to oppose an affordable housing permit just three blocks away. “Helping people is one thing,” said Clarissa McMillan, the festival organizer. “But condos? That’s when things get political.” The tamales were handcrafted by undocumented chefs who, ironically, still commute two hours to work because the housing blocked by these same attendees would’ve put them within biking distance. Festival merchandise included shirts that read “Tamales, Not ICE” and “Empathy is Delicious”, though some locals noted the irony of blocking homes while eating food made by the unhoused. Organizers assure us next year’s event will be even more “impactful”—with proceeds going to both deportation defense and drone footage lobbying to stop construction permits. When asked why they oppose the housing, one festival-goer whispered, “Because if they live here… who’ll staff next year’s festival?” California Declares Itself Sanctuary State, Exempts Zip Code 92103 In a surprise footnote to its bold sanctuary state declaration, California quietly issued an exemption for ZIP code 92103—home to high-end dog bakeries, anti-ICE bumper stickers, and more quinoa than Guatemala. The state cited “aesthetic harmony and parking constraints” as key reasons. Residents were quick to clarify that their compassion hasn’t changed. “We still totally support immigrants,” said Heather Plum, a kombucha curator. “Just not ones who live, like, next door. That’s an energy clash.” Despite the state’s proclamation of inclusive values, 92103 is now listed as a “Preserved Cultural Zone,” where inclusion is admired but never enacted. The mayor’s office issued a statement: “While we continue to denounce ICE raids, we also recognize the need to protect the artisanal character of our zip codes.” Immigrant advocates are furious, with one activist stating, “They love our food, our labor, our childcare—just not our humanity.” Local realtors have already begun advertising homes as being “Sanctuary-Adjacent,” meaning your conscience is clear, even if your neighborhood isn’t. No word yet on whether adjacent zip codes will follow suit, but one neighbor was overheard saying, “We love progress, as long as it doesn’t have roommates.” Auf Wiedersehen. Bohiney Insight into California’s Convenient Compassion 1. California residents chant “No human is illegal” — unless that human wants a lease within five miles of their yoga studio. 2. They want immigrants in the kitchen, not in the cul-de-sac. 3. “We stand with immigrant workers,” said one protester, carefully stepping over a landscaping crew she’d never spoken to. 4. The same people who say ICE is fascist also say affordable housing is an environmental hazard. 5. In California, immigrant solidarity ends at the HOA property line. 6. “They have a right to work,” said a man sipping an $18 tamarind mojito — just not a right to sleep near my Range Rover. 7. Residents want authentic tacos, not authentic neighbors. 8. They want immigrant cooks, cleaners, and gardeners — just none of those roles living in their vintage Craftsman bungalow neighborhood. 9. “We oppose ICE!” they cried — before filing 47 zoning complaints to stop a housing unit within sight of their Peloton. 10. A local activist wore a shirt that said “Build Bridges Not Walls,” while actively lobbying against a new bus stop. 11. “I’m pro-immigrant,” one man said, “but these new apartments will block my view of the succulent garden.” 12. They want cultural diversity, as long as it’s at a safe distance and comes with valet. 13. The rally against ICE ended early… because someone spotted a city planning truck and panicked. 14. They love immigrant families — in political ads, food festivals, and documentaries, not in the local school district. 15. It’s “Yes we can!” at the protest… and “No they can’t live here!” at the town hall meeting. "I marched to support immigrant rights… then immediately joined a Facebook group to stop them from moving into my school district."— Sarah Silverman "California liberals are like, ‘Immigrants make our food!’ Yeah—because you won’t let them live in your neighborhood unless they’re inside a tortilla."— Ron White "We don’t want ICE in our streets! But we also don’t want low-income housing because… you know, ‘character of the neighborhood.’”— Jerry Seinfeld "I asked my neighbor why she was protesting the ICE raid. She said, ‘Because I love Enrique—he makes the best avocado toast in town!’ I said, ‘Does Enrique live here?’ She goes, ‘Ew, no.’”— Ali Wong "Only in California can you attend a protest against deportations, then go home and sign a petition to block an apartment complex named ‘Casa de Inclusión.’”— Trevor Noah "It’s not racism. It’s… ‘zoning purity.’ That’s like saying I’m not racist, I just want my racism highly curated and legally enforced."— Dave Chappelle "We’re a sanctuary city! Unless the sanctuary comes with two parking spots and shared laundry, then it’s a ‘blight on the community.’"— Larry David "These people are screaming ‘Immigrants are part of our family!’ while filing restraining orders against duplexes."— Bill Burr "In California, they love diversity the way they love spice in food—just a pinch, not too close, and always optional."— Wanda Sykes "It’s funny how ‘not in my backyard’ becomes ‘yes, chef!’ the minute the waiter brings out tamales."— Kevin Hart "One guy at the rally yelled, ‘Let them stay!’ and then drove his Tesla to a gated community named ‘Esperanza Hills’ that only hires immigrants by the hour."— Ricky Gervais "I told a woman at the protest, ‘Hey, maybe we could rezone to allow more housing?’ and she looked at me like I farted on Frida Kahlo’s grave."— Amy Schumer IMAGE GALLERY California Declares Itself Sanctuary State, Exempts Zip Code 92103 I marched to support immigrant rights… then immediately joined a Facebook group to stop them from moving into my school district. We Love Immigrants! Just Not Here https://bohiney.com/we-love-immigrants-just-not-here/