The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Have Been “Working Remotely” Since Y2K and HR Is Getting Suspicious By the Satirical Bureau of Eternal Affairs Disclosure: This article was written in cooperation with the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer, which is exactly the kind of duo you want reporting on the workplace failures of supernatural agents of doom. It’s been 2,025 years since the prophecy of Revelation, and according to newly leaked documents from Heaven’s Bureau of Eschatological Deployment (BED), the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death—haven’t actually shown up to work since the year 2000. Sources confirm they’ve been “procrastinating the apocalypse” for over two decades, citing everything from back pain to “needing to get their aura cleansed.” This journalistic investigation reveals shocking truths: the end times aren’t delayed due to mercy or divine recalibration. No, it’s because the Horsemen are lazy, disorganized, and possibly stoned. WAR: “Sorry, I’ve Got Rage Burnout” War, once the mighty general of chaos, has reportedly been stuck in his man cave playing Call of Duty and doomscrolling conspiracy forums. Wearing a bathrobe made from NATO flags, he insists he’s “just taking a mental health sabbatical.” Quote from War’s voicemail:“I’m not ignoring your trumpet call, I’m prioritizing myself. Don’t spiritual shame me.” Insiders say War submitted a leave-of-absence form in 2003 citing “general hostility fatigue” and hasn’t returned a single Slack message since. His warhorse has taken a job with DoorDash. War also attempted to pivot to wellness coaching in 2011 under the brand “TriggerPeace,” but the program collapsed when his seminar in Brussels ended with three chairs being thrown and a drone strike. PESTILENCE: “I’ve Got a Sinus Infection” Once the spark behind the Black Death and the 1918 flu, Pestilence has spent the 21st century sending vague emails about “having a little tickle in the throat” while sipping turmeric lattes at a Goop retreat. Eyewitness testimony from Angel Gabriel:“Pestilence keeps forwarding articles from WebMD and insisting he’s contagious. But his last real outbreak was a sneeze on MySpace.” He’s also become a germaphobe in his old age. According to celestial records, Pestilence refused to enter the 2020 pandemic because “COVID wasn’t his aesthetic.” He tried launching his own brand, “Artisanal Plagues,” with boutique symptoms like “existential rash” and “itchy ennui,” but the CDC laughed him off the Earthly plane. FAMINE: “I Ate Before I Came” Famine, long the emaciated figure of global scarcity, has reportedly gained 73 pounds and now works part-time as a keto blogger. Famine told reporters: “People don’t fear hunger anymore. They fear gluten. I’m pivoting.” After failing to show up to ten straight global food crises, Famine now claims to be “allergic to urgency.” He’s been spotted at Whole Foods hoarding almond flour and pitching a reality series called “Fasting with Famine.” An exorcised demon who briefly dated Famine claims he would “cancel destruction meetings to attend farm-to-table brunches.” Apparently, Famine is really into shakshuka. DEATH: “I Don’t Do Weekends, Holidays, or Tuesdays” Death, the most feared Horseman, now drives an Uber at night and writes bad poetry under the pseudonym Mort E. Cian. He hasn’t collected a soul in over five years and insists the scythe is “just for branding.” His LinkedIn says he's in “transitional reaper mode,” and his Instagram—@SoulSnatcher69—is mostly sunset selfies and dead flowers. A leaked HR memo says: “Death repeatedly failed to log soul tallies and claimed his Google Calendar was syncing with Hades Time.” Death did show up briefly in 2016 but left halfway through claiming he had a dentist appointment. Eyewitnesses say he only stayed long enough to vape and mutter about “late-stage metaphysics.” The Excuses: A Timeline of Procrastination 2000: Horsemen miss the Y2K deadline because they were “confused about time zones.” 2004: War fakes a rotator cuff injury. Pestilence files for burnout leave. Famine takes a sabbatical in Tuscany. Death claims his cloak shrank in the dryer. 2009: All four refuse to travel for the H1N1 pandemic due to “flu fatigue.” 2012: Mayan apocalypse misfire blamed on “internal calendrical misalignment.” 2016: Death tries to unionize the afterlife, fails when he forgets to show up to the vote. 2020: Pestilence stays home “to flatten the curve.” Famine claims “supply chains are already doing the job for me.” War gets stuck in a tank simulator. Death rage-quits after TikTok bans his death dance trend. Heaven’s HR Response: “We’re Looking Into It” Archangel HR has been trying to contact the Horsemen for months, but most divine correspondence ends up in spam folders marked “Armageddon Drafts.” When asked if they’ll be terminated, Heaven’s HR manager responded: “They technically have eternal contracts, and the union is... complicated.” One disciplinary hearing revealed that all four Horsemen now identify as “Apocalypse Adjacent” and have filed a collective grievance for being typecast. Earth’s Reaction: “We Didn’t Even Notice” Humans, it turns out, have mostly forgotten the Horsemen were coming. A Pew Research poll found that 61% of respondents assumed the apocalypse was “already happening but, like, on Hulu.” Public opinion is mixed: “I thought War was just the Internet now,” said Debra from Missouri. “Famine? You mean the Ozempic shortage?” said Kyle, a microinfluencer from L.A. “Death hasn’t taken me yet, but he did ghost me on Bumble,” said Tasha from Brooklyn. Comedian Lines “The Four Horsemen haven’t shown up since 2000. At this point, they’re just glorified no-shows with dramatic titles. Like ‘VP of Global Suffering.’” — Jerry Seinfeld “You know the apocalypse is late when even Death’s checking LinkedIn for remote gigs.” — Ron White “Pestilence couldn’t infect a fruit fly at this point. The only virus he spreads is boredom.” — Sarah Silverman “War just joined a bowling league. He said ‘conflict resolution’ is rolling a 200.” — Chris Rock “Famine’s on a juice cleanse. He won’t end the world unless it’s organic.” — Amy Schumer “Death tried to take my soul but asked if we could reschedule. He’s double booked with a poetry slam.” — Bill Burr “They missed 2012, 2020, and now they’re blaming Mercury retrograde. That’s not a prophecy, that’s astrology for quitters.” — Ricky Gervais “We don’t need Horsemen. We’ve got billionaires, TikTok, and AI writing poetry now. That’s the new apocalypse.” — Trevor Noah “The Four Horsemen got replaced by four influencers doing end-of-the-world hauls.” — Kevin Hart “If Death ever shows up, I’m charging him for emotional ghosting.” — Tig Notaro “Famine’s apocalypse plan is now just intermittent fasting. He’s more Goop than godly.” — Roseanne Barr “Even Satan’s like, ‘These guys are giving laziness a bad name.’” — Larry David The Horsemen’s New Ventures War is now an online rage coach. His brand, “Weaponize Your Weakness,” is a hit among disaffected gym bros. Pestilence sells essential oils labeled “Biblical Vibes.” The top seller is “Leprosy Lemon Balm.” Famine has an Etsy store for artisanal breadcrumbs. His best review says: “Tastes like despair with a hint of sage.” Death launched a podcast: “Till Death Do Us Podcast,” where he interviews washed-up souls about their regrets. Episode One: “Marie Antoinette on Cancel Culture.” Apocalypse 2.0: Now with AI With the Horsemen on extended leave, AI systems have been hired as consultants to simulate the end of days. Their startup, “ApocaliTech,” claims: “Why use horses when we have autonomous drones with emotional manipulation capabilities?” Beta testing includes: Fake news tsunamis Algorithmic famine (just remove food from everyone’s DoorDash app) Metaverse plagues with digital symptoms like “pixelated sneezing” A chatbot named “iReap” that sends personalized death prophecies via email Helpful Content for Readers: How to Spot a Lazy Horseman in Your Workplace Does a colleague constantly reference apocalyptic omens but never follows through? You may be working with Pestilence. Is someone always angry but never submits reports? That’s War. Suggest a group mediation or fencing class. Someone always forgets lunch, talks about macrobiotic diets, and then steals your yogurt? That’s Famine. Hide your granola. Colleague never shows up but is always haunting your email thread with vague messages about “inevitability”? Classic Death move. Mark as spam. Final Thoughts from the Book of Procrastinations It turns out the world isn’t ending due to divine mercy. It’s just that the Horsemen lost their mojo, their GPS signal, and possibly their horses. In their absence, humanity has embraced chaos like a hobby: influencer cults, clickbait wars, performance anxiety pandemics, and a global famine of common sense. The apocalypse is happening—it’s just being crowdsourced. And until War finds his keys, Pestilence finds motivation, Famine finds a carb-free crisis, and Death finds his pants, we’ll be here—waiting, memeing, and arguing on Twitter. Auf Wiedersehen. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypses Online MORE REVELATIONS... WAR Launches Explosive YouTube Channel, Forgets to End Anything In a bold rebrand, War has traded his blood-soaked sword for a gaming headset and now streams “Clash of Clans IRL” to a devoted following of angry teens and midlife crisis dads. “I’m still causing conflict,” he told followers. “Only now it’s in the comments section.” He claims modern warfare is digital now: “Why ride a fiery steed into battle when you can ratio someone into psychological collapse?” His most popular video, “Top 5 Times I Almost Ended the World But Didn’t,” features an animated reenactment of him unplugging his Ethernet cable before a drone strike. When asked if he planned to fulfill the prophecy anytime soon, War said, “I’ll get to it after my merch drop. Also, I stubbed my toe on a landmine in ‘04 and haven’t emotionally recovered.” The Geneva Conventions now list “Livestreaming Carnage” as a gray area. Meanwhile, War’s horse works part-time in a Postmates warehouse. Pestilence Diagnosed with “Seasonal Apocalypse Fatigue” Once the bringer of pestilence, disease, and mild plagues, Pestilence now identifies as “immuno-fluid” and lives in a climate-controlled yurt outside Sedona. His latest excuse for not unleashing doom? “My aura needs alignment, not antibiotics.” Pestilence recently self-diagnosed with “Seasonal Apocalypse Fatigue,” a condition only he believes exists. Symptoms include brain fog, high empathy, and an inability to locate his plague mask. Instead of viruses, he now releases newsletters about gut health, titled “Microbiome and Me: Memoirs of a Germ God.” He also tried starting a line of probiotic doomsday smoothies but was sued after customers developed “existential nausea.” A leaked email reveals he’s been using ChatGPT to write fake sick notes to Heaven. “Sorry, can’t bring about plague this week. Exposed to toxic energy. Also gluten.” He last opened a portal of pestilence in 2009 but closed it because the smell gave him a migraine. God is considering replacing him with a black mold influencer. Famine Becomes TikTok Food Critic, Gains 73 Pounds and a Manager Famine, the skeletal harbinger of hunger, now has a verified TikTok where he reviews upscale cuisine with phrases like “This uni foam on charcoal brioche SLAPS, my dudes.” With over 4 million followers, his signature tagline is “Nothing tastes as good as ending world hunger feels—but this truffle risotto comes close.” Originally sent to reduce food availability, Famine now considers himself “a famine of ignorance, not calories.” His new book, “Eat, Pray, Starve,” is #3 on the Apocalyptic Cookbooks list. When he does attempt to spread hunger, it’s mostly by endorsing fad diets. He’s partnered with Gwyneth Paltrow on the “Soul Cleanse,” which includes three days of beet air and crying. His last official mission was in 2007, but he was distracted by a pop-up oyster bar in Oslo. Critics accuse him of hypocrisy, but Famine defends himself: “If people are hungry, it’s because they can’t monetize their brand.” He recently canceled a famine in South Sudan because he double-booked a guest judge spot on Chopped: Afterlife Edition. Death Launches Soul-Care Podcast, Refuses to Reap “Low Vibe” Mortals Death, the great reaper of souls, now hosts a weekly podcast called “The Final Breath” where he interviews spirits about “post-mortal boundary setting.” He opens each episode with a candle-lit ASMR whisper: “Hi. It’s me, Death. But let’s not define ourselves by job titles, okay?” The scythe? Replaced by a sage stick. The hood? Now vegan alpaca fiber. When asked why he hasn’t harvested any souls since 2019, he explains, “I’m on a conscious death journey. I only collect high-vibration souls now—no Karens, no finance bros.” He’s also started charging for consultations: $666 per session, plus a $99 monthly subscription for the SoulSheath Wellness App which tracks your “mortality mindfulness.” Angels filed a complaint after Death ghosted three scheduled plagues and responded only with a link to his “apocalypse boundaries” e-course. Meanwhile, his horse—midlife and unemployed—was last seen auditioning for Equestrian Bachelor: Beyond the Veil. God’s HR department is considering replacing Death with a robot programmed to say “Your time has come” in 32 languages. The robot also shows up on time. The Apocalypse Postponed by “Group Text Confusion” and Wi-Fi Issues Despite being eternal embodiments of destruction, the Four Horsemen claim they've been stuck in a group text labeled “RE: Apoc Stuff?” since 2000. Death keeps switching the thread to Signal, Pestilence only replies in emojis, War responds “lol” to every message, and Famine just reacts with thumbs-up and then disappears. One archived exchange shows War suggesting “Friday?” followed by Famine saying, “That’s my juice cleanse day,” and Pestilence replying, “Mercury retrograde, can’t.” Heaven sent multiple trumpets as reminders, but the Horsemen muted the notifications in 2003. The only calendar invite accepted in two decades was for “End Times Wine Tasting.” Heaven’s IT team attempted to schedule a Zoom call, but War used a filter that made him look like a flaming goat, Pestilence forgot to unmute, and Death logged in from a sauna. God briefly considered emailing a formal ultimatum, but the last time He tried, His inbox auto-replied:“We’re out of office. Eternally. Namaste.” As a result, the apocalypse has been postponed indefinitely, though rumors persist that Pestilence has started a substack called “When I Feel Like It.” The four still insist the end is near—just not before brunch. IMAGE GALLERY The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Lazy About the House -- Waiting The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Lazy About the House -- Waiting  The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Lazy About the House -- Waiting  https://bohiney.com/the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse/