Tehran Evacuation Chaos

Roads Overflowing, Tehran Emptying: A City Flees While Trump Yells “Run!”

By Azadeh Moshiri, with satire by SpinTaxi.com’s Shadow Bureau of Panicked Reporting
This article is part of a joint human collaboration between a tenured philosophy professor and a dairy farmer with WiFi. Any resemblance to real logic is purely coincidental.

Observational Humor: Tehran, the World’s Largest Parking Lot

If traffic is the measure of panic, Tehran is winning the gold medal in Anxiety Olympics. With roads “overflowing” and gas stations backed up farther than Trump’s high school prom rejection list, Tehran is now one giant queue with WiFi and the occasional Molotov cocktail.

One witness said it took five hours to go 90 minutes, which, by Los Angeles standards, is “a light breeze and open highway.”

Tehran traffic is now moving slower than diplomatic peace talks.
Even snails are looking out their shells like, “Come on, bro.”

Trump telling Iranians to “evacuate immediately” is like asking a whale to leave the ocean before it gets wet.
Thanks, Don. We’ll just levitate out of here.

Gas stations in Tehran have longer lines than Disneyland, but fewer smiles and way more yelling in Farsi.

The only functioning escape plan right now is “crying softly and hoping missiles are bad at aiming.”

Trump’s Global Traffic Advisory Service

President Trump issued the dramatic order: “Everyone should immediately evacuate Tehran.” That’s right, the guy who once suggested nuking hurricanes is now giving Middle East evacuation advice. What’s next? “Everyone in Naples, buy a boat—Vesuvius looks moody.”

“Trump says get out,” one Iranian man muttered. “Yeah, sure, let me just hop in my non-functioning Peugeot and outrun ballistic karma.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Trump yelling ‘evacuate Tehran!’ is like your ex screaming ‘Run!’ after they set your house on fire.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“This is like if the drunk guy at the end of the bar screamed ‘Everybody out!’ and then disappeared into a Jell-O shot.” — Ron White

“Tehran’s so empty now, you could park a camel in the middle of the expressway and get fined for over-zoning.” — Sarah Silverman

Life in the Queue: Motorists, Mullahs, and Mayhem

Let’s talk about Arash, who successfully evacuated to Armenia, also known as “the scenic waiting room of the Caucasus.” His road trip took nearly five hours instead of 90 minutes, due to panic traffic, border bottlenecks, and, probably, that one uncle who insists on buying pistachios in Qazvin mid-crisis.

Meanwhile, Narges decided to stay put. She describes Tehran as “eerily empty,” which is never a great Yelp review for a capital city. “The city feels abandoned,” she says. “Like someone yelled 'zombie apocalypse,' and only I didn’t get the memo.”

Gas Lines Longer Than Iran’s Constitution

Faranak, sheltering with her mother near the state broadcaster (recently a target of attack), reported gas station queues "a couple of kilometres long." Which, for non-metric readers, is about three football fields of despair, rage, and sweating men shouting into old Nokia phones.

“The line looked like Coachella, but everyone was holding gas cans instead of glow sticks,” Faranak told us.

One eyewitness swears someone was selling VIP queue positions for 100,000 tomans and a can of tuna.

Safety by Geography or Sarcasm?

The irony? People fled to northern Iran for safety—as if topography cancels out missile range. One resident of Rasht said, “I came here for the trees. Now I just hide behind them.”

Still, many can’t afford to flee, can’t find gas, or have decided to rely on the time-tested Iranian strategy of sheer denial and lentil stew.

The American Evacuation Paradox

Why are Americans telling Iranians to leave when the U.S. can’t even get Floridians out during hurricanes? It's like yelling “Duck!” during a chess game. You’re not wrong, but it doesn’t help.

A U.S. embassy spokesperson (a hologram projected from Qatar) advised Iranians to “head for the border, but not that border,” before logging off to play Call of Duty.

Definition of Security: A Theory in Traffic

In Tehran, “security” now means finding a parking spot, “risk” means owning a motorcycle, and “strategy” means listening to Trump and doing the opposite. It’s the classic False Authority Fallacy: trusting the guy who couldn’t evacuate a waffle house.

Military Intelligence vs. Regular Intelligence

Iran’s government assured citizens there is “no need to panic.” Which is always what governments say seconds before the need to panic.

Local authorities reportedly responded to traffic congestion with a helpful tweet: “Try carpooling!” That’s right—share a vehicle during an evacuation. Nothing says national unity like sitting in a hot Kia with your ex-brother-in-law, two goats, and the smell of raw onions.

Public Opinion Poll: Panic with a Splash of Humor

According to a fake poll conducted by the Iranian Institute for Traffic-Based Psychology,

41% of respondents said they plan to “wait it out in the kitchen.”

27% said they were “already outside, looking for signal.”

19% were trapped in traffic.

13% didn’t answer because their power went out.

Social Science Says: Run, But Elegantly

Psychologist Dr. Shirin Khodabandeh explains that mass flight often begins with elite rumors, compounded by social media, and ends in real stampedes at fuel stations. “Fear is like saffron in rice,” she says. “A little is okay. Too much, and everyone’s crying.”

This metaphor, however, made absolutely no sense to our American readers.

Deductive Reasoning from the State Broadcaster Explosion

If:

the headquarters of Iran’s state broadcaster was hit,

and most Tehranis rely on that broadcaster for their reality-filter,
Then:

nobody knows what’s real anymore,

but the explosions were “very real,” said Faranak, clutching her cat like a tactical helmet.

Analogy of the Day: Tehran as an Ikea Store

Trying to leave Tehran right now is like trying to exit an Ikea during a fire drill: confusing, endless, and somehow you’re still holding a lamp you didn’t want.

Conclusion: Welcome to the Parade of Practical Madness

So, where are we now?
Tehran is in gridlock.
Gas stations have become luxury spas.
The U.S. President is giving Iranian travel tips.
And the people left behind are choosing between chaos and curfew, all while debating whether to trust an international warning or just sit quietly and finish their kebab.

Either way, Tehran is a city defined not by the rockets overhead, but by the absurd logistics of escape. That, and a guy on a scooter yelling, “I told you so!” as he weaves through seven lanes of hysteria.

A chaotic Tehran street - Iranian Panic

Think About It..

Everyone’s trying to leave Tehran, except the guy still trying to parallel park in front of a bakery.

Iranian GPS directions now begin with: “In 100 meters, abandon all hope.”

One man reported driving for 9 hours and only getting as far as his cousin’s house — which is 2 blocks away.

Fleeing Iranians are debating: Should we go north, south, or just turn into fog and disappear?

Tehran's local radio traffic update was just someone screaming into the mic for 45 seconds.

Border officials are now accepting bribes in gasoline, wet wipes, or existential poetry.

Some residents are staying put simply because they can’t face another group chat arguing over which border crossing has the best kebabs.

New black market in Tehran: inflatable rafts, Turkish sim cards, and a map that just says, “OUT.”

Iranian house cats are deeply confused. “So we’re packing now? What happened to napping for 12 hours?”

The only calm place in Tehran right now is the bakery — because no one is evacuating without lavash.

The state TV building got hit and still aired soap operas. Iranian resilience: “If I die, I die... but not before I see how Parviz’s affair ends.”

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article. No goats were harmed in the writing of this piece. All characters are fictional or fictionalized for comedic effect. This story is a joint effort between a tenured professor who once read a map upside down and a dairy farmer who owns three banned VPNs. 

A chaotic Tehran street - Iranian Panic
What the Funny People Have to Say About Tehran Evacuation Chaos

“Trump says ‘Evacuate Tehran immediately.’ Like it’s a fire drill and not, you know... a ten-million-person metropolis.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Trying to leave Tehran right now is like trying to flush a watermelon down a toilet.” — Ron White

“Gas lines in Tehran are so long, people are aging out of their own driver's licenses while waiting.” — Sarah Silverman

“I haven’t seen this many people panic since Starbucks ran out of oat milk in Brooklyn.” — Amy Schumer

“Iranian officials say ‘there’s no need to panic’ — right after the broadcaster’s building exploded. That’s like your dentist saying, ‘You might feel a small explosion.’” — Trevor Noah

“The U.S. government telling Iranians to evacuate is like a guy who’s never cooked yelling, ‘Flip the omelet now!’ from across the street.” — Chris Rock

“Fleeing to northern Iran for safety is like hiding under a glass table during an earthquake.” — Kevin Hart

“Only Trump could create an international stampede by tweeting like he’s announcing a flash sale.” — Ricky Gervais

“It’s so crowded on the roads, people are using Google Maps to navigate gas lines. ‘Turn left in 300 meters to reach the end of despair.’” — Jerry Seinfeld

“A friend in Tehran said they tried to leave but ran out of gas. I said, ‘Why not just call AAA?’ Then we both laughed until we cried.” — Tig Notaro

“Tehran traffic’s gotten so bad, pigeons are passing people. One even flipped me off.” — Bill Burr

“There’s no better symbol of Middle Eastern chaos than a guy on a Vespa cutting through war traffic yelling, ‘YOLO!’” — Ali Wong

https://bohiney.com/tehran-evacuation-chaos/