Shark Tank: Defense Edition
Pentagon Debuts 'Shark Tank: Defense Edition'—Because Democracy Needs a Ratings Boost
The only “sharks” here are defense contractors circling a budget increase.
By Buckley "Buzz" Trenchcoat | National Security Fashion Correspondent
In a move described by insiders as either "a brilliant strategic innovation" or "a cry for help from a budget drunk on its own spreadsheets," the U.S. Department of Defense has officially premiered its long-rumored reality pitch show: Shark Tank: Defense Edition.
The format is simple. Civilian defense startups, rogue inventors, and bored billionaires are invited to pitch their most explosive, invasive, or wildly speculative weapons systems to a panel of military brass and defense contractors in a top-secret bunker that suspiciously resembles a disused Top Chef set.
Participants have 90 seconds to make their case. Judges have unlimited time to lean back, stroke their medals, and murmur, “Interesting... but can it launch from space?”
Opening Episode Recap: Smokescreens & Dreams
The premiere episode kicked off with a bang—literally—as contestant #1, Troy “Maverick” Goldstein, a former hedge fund manager turned amateur weapons designer, detonated a prototype of his AI-powered grenade called BoomGPT. It promised to detonate only when it detected enemy intent—or a passive-aggressive tone.
General Dax “Laserjaw” Thompson was intrigued: “Can it also write press releases?”
Maverick replied, “Only if you say ‘please.’” The grenade beeped.
Emoji Compliance and PowerPoint Chic
Per DOD regulation §404.b(LOL), every pitch deck must now include at least one missile emoji. Not for style—it's the new standardized symbol for "Please Fund Me."
The judges grimaced when contestant #3 submitted a presentation featuring only pie charts and Comic Sans. "Where's the explosion energy?" barked Lt. Col. Denise Valor. “I need heat. I need flair. I need something that says, ‘I can destroy an embassy and coordinate logistics!’”
Valor was especially taken with a pitch titled TankTok, a platform that uses drone swarms to create military-grade TikTok content in hostile territory. "Finally," she whispered, wiping a tear, "the algorithm meets the apocalypse."
Meet the Sharks
The judging panel includes:
- General Dax "Laserjaw" Thompson – Decorated war hero and known hobbyist medieval reenactor.
- Denise Valor – Career Pentagon strategist and former contestant on Jeopardy: Strategic Warfare Edition.
- Chet McSkirmish – Private defense contractor whose company motto is, “We build it, you deny it.”
- Brigadier General AI 3000 – An experimental autonomous judge whose sole qualification is “vibes.”
Special Guest Judge: Elon Musk’s Ego (Appeared Remotely)
Midway through episode one, a Tesla Model X rolled onto the stage and displayed a pre-recorded hologram of Elon Musk’s face saying, “What if the missile is the satellite?” and then crashing.
He received a standing ovation and three immediate procurement contracts.
Pitch Highlights: Innovation or International Incident?
Some standout pitches included:
- The Tactical Slingshot XL™ – Made of carbon fiber and daddy issues. Fires marbles at Mach 3. Inventor is 14 and currently grounded.
- Invisi-Vest™ – A camouflage vest so effective the Pentagon lost two interns testing it.
- Peacekeeper 9000 – A tank that plays smooth jazz to pacify enemy combatants. Only works on Gen X.
- The Patriot Missile But Make It Sexy™ – It’s just a regular missile... but painted cherry red. “War needs flair,” the inventor whispered, unblinking.
Humor in Hellfire: Comedians React
John Mulaney was first to weigh in on the bizarre fusion of warfare and reality TV: “It’s like Shark Tank, but instead of saying ‘I’m out,’ they just drone strike your prototype.”
Samantha Bee followed up: “Finally—defense spending and Bravo TV in one beautiful disaster.”
Bo Burnham quipped, “They’ve added a missile emoji to the pitch decks. It’s not a weapon. It’s an NFT with rage issues.”
Trevor Noah asked, “Did a guy really pitch a laser that disrupts TikTok dances mid-move? Because I’d buy that... for civilian use.”
Even Dave Chappelle chimed in: “The final round isn’t a Q&A. It’s a classified briefing delivered while rappelling out of a Black Hawk.”
Fashion at the Front Lines
Uniform chic was on full display. Camo is still “in,” but now features urban desert moss tones with runway-ready Velcro. One contestant wore night vision goggles upside down, calling it “warcore irony.” Judges awarded him a $50 million contract.
Spin-Offs Already in Development
Due to the pilot episode’s roaring success (and by success, we mean 3 confirmed NATO emails of concern), the Pentagon has announced several spin-offs:
- Survivor: Drone Island – A group of interns survives on a Pacific atoll with only a Reaper drone and unlimited PowerPoint slides.
- America’s Got Black Ops – Performers must infiltrate a Las Vegas casino undetected. Bonus points for hacking the slot machines.
- Say Yes to the Defense Budget – Bride-to-be argues with Congress over whether she needs a new helicopter or “just a modest artillery array.”
The Real Goal: Monetizing War Through Viewer Engagement
Sources close to the Joint Chiefs revealed the show is part of a broader strategy called Strategic Streaming Dominance (SSD)—the Pentagon’s answer to falling Gen Z enlistment numbers and TikTok addiction.
“It’s simple,” said Valor. “If they won’t join the military, we’ll bring the military to Hulu.”
Public Reaction: A Nation Laughs, Cries, Then Refreshes Twitter
Reactions online have been predictably nuclear:
“Shark Tank: Defense Edition is like Black Mirror and Call of Duty had a baby raised by Raytheon.” – @doomscrollqueen
“Finally a use for my weapons design degree and improv background.” – @uselessgenius44
“I pitched a flamethrower that shoots empathy. They said it was too woke.” – @libtardwithlasers
Pentagon Responds to Criticism With Limited-Time Merch Drop
Rather than answer journalist questions, the Department of Defense launched a surprise line of Shark Tank: Defense Edition merch, including:
- Missile Emoji Lapel Pins™
- Limited-edition “I Got Funded by the DOD and All I Got Was This Classified Program” T-shirt
- A “BoomGPT” plushie that softly whispers “affirmative destruction” while you sleep
The Season Finale Teaser: Spoiler Alert, It’s Classified
In a chilling teaser for the season finale, a contestant is shown presenting what appears to be a railgun that runs on “renewable rage.” General Laserjaw shouts, “By the Constitution’s flaming beard, we’ve done it!”
Cut to black.
Final Thoughts: Laugh While You Can
While the rest of the world worries about rising temperatures, geopolitical collapse, and whether their fridge is spying on them, the Pentagon is busy monetizing militarism into a prime-time extravaganza.
Michelle Wolf summed it up best: “They pitched a tank that runs on renewable rage. The Pentagon called it eco-conscious but emotionally unstable. Honestly, same.”
In a country where the Venn diagram between defense policy and late-night television is now a perfect circle, Shark Tank: Defense Edition may be the closest we get to transparency—right before everything gets redacted.
And hey, at least the missile emoji is cute.
Next Week on Shark Tank: Defense Edition
- Can a startup led by three ferrets in a trench coat convince the DOD to fund a heat-seeking kazoo?
- Will Brigadier General AI 3000 finally develop an emotion?
- And will anyone notice that contestant #6 hasn’t been seen since he pitched “Hug-A-Drone™”? (Legal says: no.)
Tune in, and remember: if your pitch doesn’t kill, it better at least jam enemy radar.
*This satirical report is not endorsed by the Pentagon, Shark Tank, or any functioning government.
Pentagon Launches ‘Shark Tank Defense Edition’; Pitch Decks Must Include at Least One Missile Emoji
Pitch Decks Must Include at Least One Missile Emoji:
Mark Cuban was replaced by a retired general who only invests in things that go boom.
Contestants must say, “I’m asking for $400 billion in exchange for 0.0002% of U.S. air superiority.”
If a pitch doesn’t include at least three acronyms and one camouflage PowerPoint slide, you're escorted out by a drone.
“I like the nukes... but do you have anything that screams covert destabilization?” — Kevin O’Leary, probably.
The only “sharks” here are defense contractors circling a budget increase.
Every pitch ends with: “...and for that reason, I’m launching a preemptive strike.”
You don’t get a handshake if they like your idea—you get a classified contract and a black bag over your head.
Guest judge this week: a rogue AI that already bought half of Lockheed Martin with crypto.
The missile emoji is actually the most coherent part of the proposal.
Entrepreneurs must survive a five-minute interrogation and a polygraph before presenting.
“I like your passion. But could your robot dog also shoot lasers and tap international comms?”
Instead of product demos, contestants detonate miniature prototypes on stage while judges nod solemnly.
All deals are subject to Senate approval, 18 subcommittees, and at least one international scandal.
Instead of a theme song, each episode begins with a dramatic reading of the Defense Authorization Act.
The most successful pitch so far? A weaponized PowerPoint that puts enemies to sleep instantly.
Pentagon Launches ‘Shark Tank: Defense Edition’
“It’s like Shark Tank, but instead of saying ‘I’m out,’ they just drone strike your prototype.”
— John Mulaney
“The Pentagon made a reality show to choose weapons. Finally—defense spending and Bravo TV in one beautiful disaster.”
— Samantha Bee
“They’re asking for $10 billion for a stealth bomber that doubles as a latte machine. And I’m sitting here stealing Wi-Fi from my neighbor.”
— Hasan Minhaj
“The pitch decks have to include a missile emoji. That’s how you know it’s both a weapon and an NFT.”
— Bo Burnham
“They said, ‘We’re looking for something disruptive’—so a guy pitched a laser that scrambles TikTok dances mid-move.”
— Trevor Noah
“You know you’re in the Defense Edition of Shark Tank when the judges ask if your product ‘can function in zero gravity and ethical ambiguity.’”
— Tig Notaro
“Instead of a handshake deal, you get a lifetime no-fly list and a hug from the NSA.”
— Nate Bargatze
“A guy pitched a tank that runs on ‘renewable rage.’ The Pentagon called it ‘eco-conscious but emotionally unstable.’”
— Michelle Wolf
“Kevin O’Leary was there, but he left early. Said, ‘Call me when one of these drones can pick stocks.’”
— Marc Maron
“One contestant said, ‘We don’t make bombs. We make solutions.’ That solution? A smarter bomb.”
— Sarah Silverman
“It’s the only reality show where you win by not being seen—unless it's by a satellite.”
— Ronny Chieng
“The final round isn’t a Q&A. It’s a classified briefing delivered while rappelling out of a Black Hawk.”
— Dave Chappelle
Comments
Post a Comment