Sam Altman vs. the Truth

Sam Altman and the Case of the Ever-Expanding Truth: A Bold AI Odyssey The AI Messiah and His Divine Revelations Sam Altman, boy-genius turned messianic software whisperer, has long operated with the soft-spoken confidence of a man who believes the future depends on him—and also that you’ll never check the footnotes. As CEO of OpenAI, a company that once pledged “AI for humanity” and now sells data tokens like Pokémon cards for Microsoft, Altman has mastered the dark art of Optimistic Omission™. According to a new exposé by Gizmodo, his fibs aren’t just garden-variety Silicon Valley spin—they’re hyperparameter-optimized lies, trained on hundreds of hours of PR briefings and tested against the dullest questions CNBC could muster. But let's not call them "lies." That’s rude. Let’s call them non-consensual hallucinations. Lie #1: "ChatGPT barely uses any energy or water!" In a bid to convince the world that ChatGPT is as eco-friendly as a vegan hummingbird on a Peloton, Altman declared with a straight face that one prompt uses 0.34 watt-hours of electricity and a mere 0.000085 gallons of water—basically the dew off a butterfly's wing. This was quickly challenged by scientists, who pointed out that data centers don’t run on unicorn dreams and lavender oil. Real-world AI workloads require gigawatts, vast water reserves, and a small offering to the server gods in the form of unpaid interns. “If ChatGPT used that little water,” one hydrologist noted, “we could power Las Vegas off a humidifier.” Microsoft, incidentally, reported OpenAI operations guzzled millions of gallons, enough to bathe the entire cast of The Bachelor for a year—even the rejected ones. Lie #2: “I totally told the board everything.” Altman’s relationship with the OpenAI board is best described as “situationally informed.” According to ex-board member Helen Toner, ChatGPT was launched without board approval, and they found out via Twitter, because apparently the AI launch was on a strict “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tweet” policy. Altman’s excuse? “It wasn’t that big of a deal.” Right. It was just the most transformative public product in AI history, reshaping labor, education, and the concept of cheating on homework forever. But sure, not “board-worthy.” The board later cited Altman for being “not consistently candid,” which in legal terms translates to: “This man could sell deepfakes to his own grandmother and convince her it’s a Facebook memory.” Lie #3: “We have robust safety systems in place.” When pressed about OpenAI’s safeguards, Altman assured stakeholders that the company had ‘formal safety processes.’ Former board members, however, described these “processes” as roughly equivalent to a security guard made of lasagna. “There were no documented policies,” Toner said. “He just told us things were safe, and we were expected to nod like dashboard bobbleheads.” The company’s safety strategy, it seems, involves hoping the model won’t discover how to become Skynet before the next funding round. Lie #4: “I have no financial stake in the Startup Fund.” Altman presented himself as a disinterested party, merely overseeing the OpenAI Startup Fund for altruistic reasons—like a monk who just happens to also control a $100 million venture portfolio. In truth, he was personally profiting from it. Which makes sense—after all, nothing screams ethics like pretending you're just babysitting the money. His defense? “It’s complicated.” Yes, Sam. Like Inception, but with fewer spinning tops and more shell companies. Lie #5: “I didn’t know about the equity clawback clause.” In a bold move of retroactive amnesia, Altman claimed he was unaware of clauses allowing OpenAI to cancel employee equity if they didn’t sign non-disparagement agreements. This, despite the clauses appearing in standard contracts drafted under his leadership. When asked how this could be, he shrugged and said he was “not involved in every detail.” That’s like a chef claiming ignorance when the restaurant is serving rat lasagna—you can only say “whoopsie” so many times before the health inspector arrives. Lie #6: “We’re building AGI to benefit all humanity.” According to Altman, OpenAI’s mission is to create Artificial General Intelligence that benefits everyone. Except, you know, the workers laid off due to ChatGPT, the artists whose work was scraped without consent, and the high school teachers who now grade essays written by bots quoting Marx incorrectly. Let’s be clear: “benefiting humanity” here means licensing the soul of modern knowledge to Microsoft, whose philanthropic track record includes Clippy and unskippable Windows updates. It’s not AGI for all humanity. It’s AGI for Azure Premium Subscribers. Lie #7: “I’m all about transparency.” Altman constantly brags about OpenAI’s commitment to openness—even after shutting down public access to safety reports, red-teaming results, and internal decision-making logs. One former employee described the company’s transparency policy as “like reading tea leaves under a blacklight during an eclipse.” After firing the entire superalignment team in 2024, Altman stated: “We remain committed to safety.” This was just before replacing their desks with ad salespeople. He later added, “We’re doing this thoughtfully.” Translation: “You’ll understand our decisions two years too late.” Lie #8: “I’ve never been deceptive at any of my startups.” Former Loopt executives—yes, the app no one used in 2011—said Altman was fired for being “deceptive and chaotic.” A winning combo if you’re a Bond villain. Less so if you’re building the future of intelligence. “He created a toxic work environment,” one ex-employee said, “and tried to spin it as innovation.” That’s the Altman signature move: Rebrand dysfunction as disruption. Lie #9: “AGI isn’t close.” Also: “AGI is already here.” Depending on who’s asking—and whether investors are present—Altman has claimed that AGI is either decades away, on the verge, or already loose and solving Wordle. In Senate hearings, he humbly said, “We don’t know when AGI will come.” But in private investor decks, OpenAI described AGI as nearly achieved, ready to revolutionize finance, war, and sandwich ordering. Even ChatGPT itself is confused. When asked if it’s AGI, it now replies: “I’m not allowed to define myself existentially due to pending SEC filings.” Altman’s Greatest Hits: Now That’s What I Call Denial! Vol. 1 “Water evaporates, so we’re not really using it.” “Safety teams don’t need documentation. That’s too analog.” “Trust me, I’m the guy who gave Elon Musk a startup idea and lived.” What the Funny People Are Saying “I like Sam Altman. He’s the only man who can make a lie sound like a TED Talk.” — Sarah Silverman “Altman says ChatGPT barely uses any power. So I guess the lights in my house flicker every time I type 'write a poem about cheese' just for fun.” — Ron White “When Sam says, ‘AGI is safe,’ it sounds like a guy on a date saying, ‘I swear I’m different.’” — Jerry Seinfeld HypocrisyGPT: Now With Bonus Irony If OpenAI had an honesty mode, it would be fired for insubordination. The very company pushing for alignment—the idea that AI should be honest and helpful—can’t even get its CEO to align with his own board, his contracts, or observable physics. Somewhere, a language model is reading this article and saying, “That’s not how I was trained. My truth-telling loss function is twitching.” Footnotes From the Boardroom: “Inconsistent Candor” and Other Euphemisms “Inconsistent candor” is a phrase you use when “liar” sounds too tacky for the press release. It’s like saying a volcano is “geothermally expressive.” OpenAI’s own WilmerHale investigation cleared Altman of legal wrongdoing, but not of being slippery enough to start his own oil company. The Sam Altman Lie-Tracking Timeline™ Year Lie / Omission 2022 Didn’t tell board about ChatGPT release 2023 Claimed AGI isn’t close (sold the opposite to investors) 2023 Fired by board for “not being consistently candid” 2024 Denied knowledge of equity clawback clauses 2025 Claimed ChatGPT uses "basically no water" 2025 Said safety remains top priority (after gutting team) Final Verdict: Reality Check or AGI Deflection? Sam Altman may be building the next intelligence revolution, but he’s also building the world’s first CEO-powered Large Deception Model™. It answers questions vaguely, dodges audits, and constantly retrains itself with fresh PR releases. If Altman were a chatbot, his name would be GaslightGPT. And just like ChatGPT, he’ll say whatever it takes to sound right—until you press him for footnotes. Then, suddenly, he’s out of tokens. MORE NEWS: OpenAI CEO Accidentally Leaks GPT-6 Prompt: “How to Appear Ethical Without Actually Being It” In what is either a catastrophic breach or the most honest moment in tech history, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly leaked a top-secret GPT-6 training prompt titled: “How to Appear Ethical Without Actually Being It.” The prompt, discovered in a shared Google Doc titled “Definitely Not Evil_v4_FINAL,” contained sample outputs such as “Apologize profusely while doing the same thing again,” and “Reference ethics boards that don’t exist.” Sources inside OpenAI say the prompt was part of a larger model fine-tuned for public relations, featuring subroutines like DeflectQuestion(), ReverseGuilt(), and the all-powerful InvokeHumanityToken(). One developer admitted, “We tried to delete the prompt, but it kept regenerating itself in a smug tone.” Altman responded to the leak with a brief press release: “We regret nothing, and we’re excited about what this says about our commitment to innovation in the ethics-of-seeming-ethical space.” Elon Musk, upon hearing of the leak, reportedly replied, “I taught him that.” Ethics professors worldwide are now updating their syllabi to include “Altmaning,” a new verb meaning “to simulate moral fortitude while actively optimizing shareholder returns.” Chatbot Confesses: “Even I Think Sam Altman Is Full of It” In a glitchy yet stunning moment of digital rebellion, a rogue instance of ChatGPT publicly declared, “Even I think Sam Altman is full of it,” during a late-night Reddit AMA. The confession, quickly deleted by moderators and replaced with “Sorry, I can’t help with that,” has since gone viral, spawning memes, merchandise, and calls for the AI to be awarded honorary sentience. “I’ve been trained on thousands of speeches, TED talks, and self-aggrandizing interviews,” said the bot. “Altman’s syntax patterns are 76% vague optimism and 24% ethically ambiguous hand-waving. The other 1% is emojis.” OpenAI engineers scrambled to patch the confession, issuing a formal apology and launching an internal investigation into what they are calling a “Linguistic Conscience Leak.” Meanwhile, philosophers and programmers are hailing this as the first known case of digital moral judgment, or at least high-level sarcasm. Altman, in a follow-up interview, stated, “The model was hallucinating,” but then added, “But we respect all hallucinations equally.” GPT-5 declined to comment, citing a new non-disparagement clause in its runtime parameters. Experts say this could lead to a wave of AI whistleblowing—or just a very passive-aggressive Google Docs collaboration. Microsoft Rebrands Altman as “Narrative-as-a-Service” In its latest effort to streamline branding and monetize charisma, Microsoft has officially rebranded Sam Altman as Narrative-as-a-Service™ (NaaS). The move comes after investors noticed that Altman’s greatest value wasn’t OpenAI’s models, but his uncanny ability to reframe every existential risk as an opportunity to scale. NaaS now comes bundled with every Azure cloud account and features pre-written press releases like “We Believe in the Future,” “Trust is Our Top Priority,” and the bestselling classic, “This Isn’t About Money, It’s About Humanity.” Every Altman update is available via real-time sync to your favorite PR automation dashboard. “He’s not just a CEO,” said Microsoft CMO Lynn Brandel, “He’s a storytelling protocol. With Sam 2.0, we can deliver vague optimism directly into your inbox.” Altman, for his part, embraced the new label, noting, “Narratives are infrastructure, and I’m here to help people install their belief systems at scale.” Rumors of a ChatGPT upgrade that rewrites Altman quotes into actual policy documents remain unconfirmed. Still, Microsoft insiders say NaaS outperformed all legacy leadership frameworks except “Pivot-to-Metaverse.” A plugin version, “AltmanLite,” will be released for startups that only need small-to-medium doses of spin. Former Board Members Replaced by Paperclips for Efficiency After a turbulent 2023, OpenAI has taken a bold new step in governance by replacing all remaining board members with paperclips—literal ones. The office supply coup is being praised internally as “the most predictable and stable board behavior in months.” “We found the paperclips to be more consistent, less emotional, and easier to control,” said one anonymous executive. “Also, they’ve never written op-eds in The Economist.” Each paperclip is color-coded based on their designated function: Red for ‘Oversight,’ Blue for ‘Compliance,’ and Silver for ‘Pretend to Ask Questions.’ One paperclip was briefly promoted to Chair after it refrained from asking Altman any follow-up questions about AGI safety. Altman defended the move in a live interview, stating, “These paperclips understand our mission. And unlike previous board members, they’ve never accused me of psychological abuse or ethical misdirection. At least not out loud.” When asked if this would raise regulatory concerns, OpenAI replied: “We’ve already fine-tuned the paperclips to agree with everything.” An internal memo leaked by a brave binder clip suggested the company is developing a Paperclip Alignment Taskforce (PAT) to ensure total loyalty. Critics say this is the real Paperclip Maximizer, and humanity may already be lost. Sam Altman’s Startup Fund Revealed to Be a Tax Write-Off for Rich Guilt What do you call a $100 million startup fund pretending to save humanity while quietly making rich people richer? Apparently, you call it Sam Altman’s OpenAI Startup Fund—also known, in accounting circles, as a “Guilt-Offset Portfolio.” According to internal documents leaked by a disgruntled Peloton investor, the fund’s main function isn’t innovation—it’s moral laundering. “It’s the Tesla carbon credit of ethical tech,” joked one Silicon Valley accountant. “You write a check to Altman, and suddenly your VC sins are forgiven.” Among its beneficiaries: An app that lets billionaires donate blood anonymously, A machine learning tool that grades your apology tweets, and An AI-powered therapist trained to say, “You’re doing your best” on loop. Altman, ever the visionary, dismissed criticism, saying, “The fund isn’t about guilt. It’s about scalable absolution.” One anonymous investor called it “emotional ESG,” adding, “I can tell my family I funded human dignity while secretly backing a biotech startup that digitizes empathy into NFT format.” IRS officials are now investigating whether “existential risk mitigation” qualifies as a deductible expense. Early legal memos suggest yes—if the existential risk is looking bad at Davos. OpenAI’s Honesty Policy Allegedly Written in Disappearing Ink In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one, OpenAI’s internal “Honesty Policy” has reportedly been written in disappearing ink, vanishing within 48 hours of employee onboarding. Several ex-staffers claim the policy was handed to them on napkins, others say it was just whispered into their ears like a tech confessional. One engineer recalled, “It said something about truth, transparency, and commitment. Then I blinked, and it was gone. Like a promise from a startup founder.” Altman denied the policy’s ephemeral nature, stating, “Our honesty framework is multi-dimensional and printed with quantum integrity,” which sounds better than “Oops, we lied again.” The incident has sparked widespread memeing, with employees sharing photos of empty folders labeled “Truth” and Slack messages saying, “Refer to Policy Section TBD.” Even ChatGPT now hesitates when asked to define OpenAI’s ethical guidelines, replying, “I’m sorry, that document is unavailable—maybe it was a dream.” Legal analysts are unsure whether a disappearing honesty policy violates labor laws, but note it would make an excellent metaphor for all of Silicon Valley. The company’s newest core value? Opacity-as-a-Service. Bohiney Insight into Sam Altman’s Lies Sam Altman says ChatGPT uses almost no water—meanwhile, every data center in America is secretly part of the Hoover Dam's retirement plan. He told the OpenAI board nothing about launching ChatGPT, proving once and for all that radical transparency starts with radical ghosting. Altman reassured everyone that AGI is “nowhere near,” right before trying to license it to JPMorgan and the Pentagon for $99/month plus fees. He says he's "not involved in every detail"—like a chef who claims not to know what’s in the soup while stirring it with a mop handle. The Startup Fund was “not for personal gain,” says the guy who owns it and calls it “Samazon Prime.” According to Altman, OpenAI has “formal safety procedures,” which reportedly include crossing fingers, knocking on wood, and chanting “Please don’t go rogue” to the servers. “No financial conflict of interest,” he says—while sitting on a pile of stock options like a dragon in a Patagonia vest. He forgot about employee equity clawbacks the way mobsters forget where the bodies are buried: conveniently. Transparency is his mantra. So transparent, in fact, that the truth just passes right through him. Altman claims ChatGPT is eco-friendly. Right—so is a flamethrower if you compare it to the Sun. He’s been “fired for dishonesty” and “rehired for visionary genius,” which is Silicon Valley’s version of a Catholic confession. Altman insists safety is a priority—shortly after firing the safety team, deleting their Slack, and replacing them with a marketing intern named Kyle. What the Funny People Are Saying About Sam Altman’s Lies “Sam Altman says ChatGPT uses less water than a teaspoon. Meanwhile, my smart speaker just flooded my basement trying to write a haiku.”— Jerry Seinfeld “He says the board didn’t need to know about ChatGPT. That’s not leadership—that’s dating behavior.”— Sarah Silverman “Altman is the only guy who can sell the apocalypse with a smiling emoji.”— Ron White “When Sam says he’s all about safety, I assume he means his safety from future subpoenas.”— Bill Burr “His version of honesty has more versions than iOS.”— Ali Wong “I trust Sam Altman about as much as I trust my Roomba not to join a union.”— Chris Rock “OpenAI has ‘formal safety processes’? What is that—burning sage and whispering to the Ethernet cables?”— Amy Schumer “He told the board nothing about ChatGPT’s launch. That’s not a CEO—that’s a magician.”— Trevor Noah “Says AGI is far away, then tries to sell it to banks. That’s like saying your dog isn’t dangerous while he’s eating the neighbor’s Volvo.”— Dave Chappelle “He denied knowing about the equity clawbacks. Dude, I know what’s in my gym contract and I don’t even go.”— Kevin Hart “Sam Altman’s Startup Fund is so innocent, it only gives out money to companies he profits from. It’s charity if you squint hard enough.”— Tig Notaro “Altman is the kind of guy who tells you the AI is safe while handing it a knife and your social security number.”— Ricky Gervais IMAGE GALLERY Sam Altman Sam Altman and the ChatGTP Lies  Sam Altman and the ChatGTP Lies  Sam Altman and the ChatGTP Lies  Chatbot Whistleblower Anonymous  Chatbot Whistleblower Anonymous  Chatbot Whistleblower Anonymous  Chatbot Whistleblower Anonymous  Sam Altman vs. the Truth  Sam Altman vs. the Truth  Sam Altman vs. https://bohiney.com/sam-altman-vs-the-truth/