Millionaires Flee Woke California

Millionaires Flee Woke California, Flock to Red States for Safety, Brisket, and Better Yelp Reviews By the Staff of Bohiney Magazine America’s millionaires are on the move—packing up their Teslas, firing their personal Pilates instructors, and fleeing the coastal confines of California for greener, less-regulated pastures. Texas, Florida, Tennessee, and other red-tinged promised lands are being flooded with a new refugee: the disillusioned liberal elite who has had just about enough of “woke,” crime-riddled, high-tax California—also known to them as “The State Formerly Known as Sanity.” In a mass migration not seen since the last Coachella VIP exodus, hundreds of millionaire families are reportedly abandoning their sustainable mansions and kombucha tap systems to try their luck in the badlands of the tax-friendly South. “California’s new export: rich people looking for cheaper margaritas.” —Sarah Silverman Why Are They Leaving? According to one transplant named Skylar Belmont-French, a former West Hollywood facialist-to-the-stars who now lives in a gated suburb outside Austin, “I just got tired of looking over my shoulder every time I brought my emotional support peacock to brunch.” Skylar isn’t alone. A recent faux-poll conducted by SpinTaxi Magazine revealed the top five reasons millionaires are fleeing California: 63% cited “woke policies” 52% cited “the cost of gas being higher than Bitcoin” 41% blamed crime (particularly catalytic converter theft) 39% couldn’t handle being lectured by 19-year-old baristas anymore 24% admitted “Joe Rogan just made Texas sound fun” These millionaires aren’t just leaving—they’re defecting. They whisper “Don’t California my Texas” into their $900 silk scarves while loading Restoration Hardware nightstands into U-Hauls they barely know how to drive. From Beverly Hills to Buc-ee’s In Plano, Texas, real estate agents have reportedly begun offering “Ex-Californians Only” gated communities that come pre-equipped with faux-rustic décor, kombucha fountains, and bonus closet space for ballot-harvesting equipment—just in case they change their mind. Marla Gonzales, a Texan born and raised in Waco, sighs as her suburban street fills with Range Rovers bearing new “Howdy Y’all” bumper stickers. “I just wanted to teach my kids how to two-step. Now the PTA has a microaggression policy and serves matcha croissants.” The economic boost is real. Fancy coffee chains are now popping up between Dollar Generals like liberal landmines. Meanwhile, native Texans are experiencing sticker shock when a “free-range cappuccino” costs more than a brisket dinner. “We had to open a Lululemon next to the gun range,” one city councilmember in Fort Worth admitted. “We call it ‘Ammo & Athleisure.’ It’s a vibe.” “We Just Want Safety—And a Decent Ceviche” The California transplants say they’re after “safety,” but like a Botoxed SWAT team, they come armed with Whole Foods points and a vague sense of unease. One recent migrant, Blake Thorne-Wick, clarified: “We don’t mean gun safety. We mean psychological safety. Like, I don’t want to hear a differing opinion while shopping for truffle oil.” In truth, crime in California isn’t necessarily worse than in other urban centers—unless you count crimes against fashion at Erewhon. But perception is everything, especially when curated by Instagram reels and HOA group chats. According to Dr. Felicity Beamer, a sociologist at Malibu Tech (formerly DeVry), “Rich people feel threatened when they lose control over the narrative. In the South, they can reclaim that narrative by talking loudly about ‘freedom’ while gentrifying the hell out of Main Street.” What the Funny People Are Saying “You know it’s bad when millionaires are packing bags more than their Uber drivers.” —Jerry Seinfeld “They’re fleeing crime, but spent millions to stay in the same gated community—makes sense!” —Ron White “No income tax is freedom—except freedom from buying guac with your tax refund.” —Chris Rock “Red states are like Tinder—‘no tax’ gets the swipe right.” —Trevor Noah “They say crime’s out of control, yet Gucci stores keep opening—priorities.” —Amy Schumer “Coming to Texas for safety? Those deer better watch their back.” —Bill Burr “They wanted safe streets, but can’t stop speeding past the local diner.” —Groucho Marx (probably) “They moved to save money—but still hired interior designers to match their old zip code.” —Dave Chappelle “Plano’s new motto: ‘Welcome to Texas, now pay for parking.’” —Kevin Hart “They left yoga studio queues, only to wait in line at the BBQ joint—progress?” —Ali Wong “Millionaires fleeing woke California? Sounds like the world’s richest irony.” —Jon Stewart Real Texans, Real Reactions In the heart of Texas, native residents are adapting with the patience of a Baptist church potluck—but not without some concern. “I’ve got nothing against Californians,” said Bobby Ray Hendershott of Amarillo, “but when your dog’s name is ‘Soy Milk’ and you don’t know how to jump a car battery, maybe slow down on the ‘y’all.’” Many locals note that the influx has brought inflation. Home prices are skyrocketing, not because of demand but because every new buyer insists on installing a minimalist panic room. “We had a guy ask if our church had valet parking and vegan communion wafers,” said Pastor Dewey Thomas of Holy Cross Cowboy Chapel. “I said we’ve got grape juice and crackers, take it or leave it.” “We Just Want a Sense of Belonging (With Heated Flooring)” The real estate boom has generated buzz. One gated neighborhood in Naples, Florida—called “Galt’s Gulch 2.0”—comes with cryptocurrency-enabled golf carts and a mandatory Ayn Rand book club. In Williamson County, Tennessee, five new developments are themed around conservative influencers: “The Shapiro Villas,” “Owens Ridge,” and “The Ben Carson Cul-de-Sac.” Developers are working hard to appease their coastal clientele. One ad reads: “Now accepting transplants with Tesla charging stations and weekly HOA prayer circles. Move fast—before Ron DeSantis bans houseplants!” Local police departments are scrambling to update their public signage: “No loitering, littering, or unsolicited Karl Marx references.” Are They Really Escaping Crime? Statistics from the Department of Irony reveal that most of these millionaires moved from one type of anxiety to another. In California, it was crime. In Texas, it’s being asked to shoot a rattlesnake. In California, you feared getting mugged for your Rolex. In Florida, you fear being eaten by an alligator wearing a MAGA hat. Psychologists agree this is the “grass-is-always-redder” syndrome. According to Dr. Winston Brandt, head of Migration Psychology at the University of Phoenix Online’s Satire Department, “They’re not running from crime. They’re running toward a lifestyle where their tweets won’t get ratioed by someone with a nose ring.” Brisket Over Burek: Cultural Adjustments Many are adjusting to local flavors with some reluctance. “I used to judge food by whether it was Michelin-rated,” said Tristan Rothman, now a resident of Houston. “Now I judge it by how much it makes me cry in a good way.” Texan cuisine has proved both humbling and intoxicating. Millionaire migrants have learned to say “yes” to brisket and “no” to kale on tacos. Slowly but surely, their bodies are rejecting spirulina and begging for real sugar. Local gyms have responded by adding “Apology Yoga” and “Keto Crisis Bootcamp” to help Californians cope. Meanwhile, new homeowners in Florida have adopted camo Crocs and gator insurance, and are learning that humidity is not a liberal conspiracy. Satirical Economics of the Migration The California-to-red-state pipeline is wreaking havoc on California’s housing market and redefining Southern economies. In San Francisco, realtors are offering “pre-exorcised” homes to appeal to lingering spiritualists. In Miami, the price of red meat has gone up 12% since millionaire vegans started converting. Tennessee has seen a 400% increase in “Live, Laugh, Liberty” wood signs sold at Hobby Lobby. The effect is so pronounced that the Bureau of Bureaucratic Irony issued a statement saying: “We are considering reclassifying California as a net exporter of smugness and Pilates instructors.” Will They Stay? Experts are divided. Some believe the millionaires will adapt to their new environment. Others predict a Boomerang Backlash—where wealthy transplants return to California after realizing Tennessee does not offer macrobiotic therapy dogs or 3D-printed bidets. One man, Derek Llewellyn, lasted only 42 days in Texas. “It wasn’t the heat, or the bugs, or even the politics,” he said. “It was the fact that nobody knew what a ‘vibe shift’ was. I felt unsafe.” Local citizens have adopted their own migration policy: a bumper sticker that reads, “Welcome to Texas. Assimilate or get off my lawn.” Final Word: Who’s the Real Refugee? In the end, this migration isn’t about crime, taxes, or even politics. It’s about identity. Millionaires from California aren’t just escaping something—they’re searching for a new kind of curated, artisanal suffering. One that looks better on Instagram. Sure, they’re swapping yoga studios for shooting ranges, green juice for Mountain Dew, and sidewalk espresso bars for drive-thru BBQ pits. But they’re doing it in the most fabulous, well-funded way imaginable. As for the locals? They’re still figuring out how to say “Namaste, y’all” without gagging. Disclaimer: This article is the result of a very real collaboration between two extremely sentient beings—one of whom is the world’s oldest tenured professor and the other, a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual fact is purely unintentional and probably ironic. Auf Wiedersehen. 16 Observations 🏡 Millionaires fleeing “woke” California Millionaires fleeing “woke” California proves that even the 1% fears being “too offended.” If you shout “crime‑ridden,” billionaires will Q to your state faster than free guac at a local Texan hoedown. Texas becomes the Beverly Hills of the heartland—complete with designer ranch wear and cowboy hats. No income tax in Texas? It’s like being handed a “Get Out of Golden Jail Free” card. Rising crime in CA: the only thing rising faster than their real estate prices. Ex‑Californians bring Gucci to Plano, but not Southern hospitality—yet. They flee queues at Chipotle only to stand in line for smoked brisket—still complaining, somehow. “Don’t California my Texas!” is code for “don’t bring avocado toast and traffic jams here.” Conservative Move’s “Welcome to Texas” barn ceremony: like a frat mixer for the wealthy, with cooler accents. The influx of luxe SUVs and baby Bentleys is making the local deer pause in astonishment. They talk about “safe streets”—but still call 911 because Yelp reviews were low. Wealthy millennials follow the herd—because nothing says “hipster” like flocking to red states. Democrats label this “tax evasion pilgrimage.” Republicans call it “economic retreat.” Some say crime’s worse in CA; others say it’s only jaywalking ticket inflation. Their move is part escape plan, part line item in their tax planning spreadsheet. The real crime? Leaving Netflix behind. No one discusses that.   Millionaires Flee Woke California Image Gallery “California’s new export rich people looking for cheaper margaritas.” —Millionaires Flee Woke California  You're In Texas Now -- Millionaires Flee Woke California  “California’s new export rich people looking for cheaper margaritas.” —Millionaires Flee Woke California  You're In Texas Now -- Millionaires Flee Woke California  “California’s new export rich people looking for cheaper margaritas.” —Sarah Silverman  You're In Texas Now -- Millionaires Flee Woke California  “California’s new export rich people looking for cheaper margaritas.” —Sarah Silverman  You're In Texas Now -- Millionaires Flee Woke California  “California’s new export rich people looking for cheaper margaritas.” —Millionaires Flee Woke California You're In Texas Now -- Millionaires Flee Woke California  “California’s new export rich people looking for cheaper margaritas.” —Sarah Silverman  “California’s new export rich people looking for cheaper margaritas.” —Sarah Silverman  https://bohiney.com/millionaires-flee-woke-california/