Los Angeles Declares Itself the Sovereign Nation of Aztlán

EXCLUSIVE: Activists Declare Sovereign Aztlán Nation, U.S. Responds with Shrug and Snort By: Staff Writers, Bohiney News Satirical Bureau LOS ANGELES — June 2025 -- In a groundbreaking move that shook zero geopolitical analysts but did wake up several baristas on the Eastside, self-proclaimed leaders of the Movimiento de Liberación de Aztlán announced yesterday that they would now govern all of California, Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, and “any part of Colorado that vibes with ancestral memory and has good soil for corn.” That’s right: the mythical nation of Aztlán is back — and it’s spiritual, sovereign, and sponsored by GoFundMe. At a press conference held in the parking lot of a vegan tortillería in Boyle Heights, Supreme Chancellor of the People’s Agave Coalition, Churro González, emerged from a 1998 Honda Civic wrapped in serape decals, flanked by three supporters and one spiritual energy healer named Yolanda the Unbothered. The group unfurled a flag, awkwardly stitched from a piñata tarp and a Bernie Sanders t-shirt. González, who once ran unsuccessfully for student body treasurer at El Camino Community College, read aloud from what he called the new “Constitution of Aztlán.” It was written in a hybrid of English, Nahuatl, and motivational Instagram captions. “We the people, descended from the sacred maize and Taco Bell menu hacks, do hereby reclaim our stolen tierra from the Anglo imperial structure that never asked for pronouns,” González declared. “This isn’t a land grab. This is a spiritual homecoming with Google Calendar invites.” Magical Thinking, Aztlán Now With Regional Governance The newly declared republic claims five U.S. states, a sliver of Colorado, and — oddly — a 3-acre dog park in Las Vegas. Their borders, González clarified, are “fluid, consensual, and dependent on healing the masculine wound.” Maps of Aztlán are available for $19.99 on Etsy and include complimentary sage bundles. The core philosophy of the movement? Manifesting land sovereignty through vibes, murals, and vintage Che Guevara patches. The plan, as articulated in a Medium post with 126 likes and one angry emoji, is that America will simply return these territories upon being asked nicely, possibly with cupcakes. The logic, if we may abuse the word, goes as follows: Land was taken in 1848. We’ve now read enough Tumblr essays about colonization. Therefore, it’s legally and spiritually ours again. González called this “justice,” though legal scholars call it “fan fiction.” "They think the U.S. will give back Texas? Buddy, the U.S. won’t even give you back your security deposit." — Ron White Bohiney Insight into the Aztlán Delusion What makes this movement particularly hilarious — and mildly heartbreaking — is how deeply it confuses historical injustice with tactical possibility. Here’s what observers have noted: The plan to reclaim California began with a protest, a poem, and a PowerPoint presentation that accidentally used Comic Sans. The “Aztlán Embassy” was set up in a Boyle Heights vape shop. Passport stamps are actually just horchata stains. Their military strategy appears to involve interpretive dance and guilt. They sincerely believe ICE will retreat if you shout “decolonize” in a firm tone. The proposed flag of Aztlán is a fusion of an eagle, a nopal cactus, and a Dreamcatcher, violating at least 3 cultural boundaries and 4 graphic design laws. One protestor yelled “This is our land!” while standing on a Chick-fil-A parking lot. The governing document of Aztlán is a spoken-word open mic session hosted every Thursday at a taquería in Silver Lake. The movement’s map of “Greater Aztlán” accidentally includes Las Vegas, which they swear they’ll keep “for economic reasons.” They say no borders, but still want exclusive rights to Trader Joe’s parking lots. Their TikTok revolutionaries use Che Guevara filters while drinking Frappuccinos. They’re hoping the U.S. just agrees out of “emotional maturity and shared trauma.” Every rally starts with “Dear ancestors…” and ends with “This land is spiritual—but also zoned for duplexes.” One organizer promised free tamales for all citizens of Aztlán. He was promptly arrested for voter fraud. They claim ancestral ownership because “our abuelita once made pozole near Flagstaff.” Most Aztlán believers are shocked to learn that actual Mexicans in Mexico don’t even want Baja California back, let alone Phoenix. The Border Will Be Defended…With Crystals A key problem for the Aztlán faithful is defense. When pressed on how they intend to resist military retaliation from the U.S. government, González held up a quartz and said, “We don’t need weapons. We have alignment.” Others cited more aggressive defense mechanisms, including: Spoken-word slams against NATO, Bulletproof huaraches woven with “intention,” and Weaponized TED Talks titled “Healing the West Through Decolonized Land Transfer.” "So you’re gonna retake Arizona with a drum circle and good intentions? Hope you brought sunscreen and a backup plan." — Jerry Seinfeld "I asked this Aztlán guy what their economic policy was. He said, ‘We vibe with abundance.’ That’s not a budget, that’s a TED Talk!" — Bill Burr Aztlán: Delusional Demagoguery 101 This entire plan, of course, didn’t arise in a vacuum. It was whispered into existence by a new generation of self-appointed gurus with Wi-Fi, vague degrees in “indigenous futurism,” and TikTok followings based on repurposed Frida Kahlo quotes. They sold the dream hard: “We will not need American permission. We will take back what is ours by right of blood and tortilla.” "They’re fighting colonialism... with MacBooks and $12 oat milk lattes. Viva la resistance, powered by Starbucks." — Sarah Silverman In reality, this movement has less support than a toddler's lemonade stand selling hemp juice. Polling data shows that 87% of Mexican Americans do not want a separate Aztlán. Many are more focused on affordable housing, health care, or avoiding that uncle at carne asada who brings up crypto. "Let me get this straight. You’re gonna secede from America by rewriting the Wikipedia page? Bold strategy." — Dave Chappelle We Want the Aztlán Land Back… But With Parking According to leaked internal documents, the initial post-independence plan includes: Renaming Texas to Texcoco 2.0 Turning El Paso into a wellness retreat Banning mayonnaise And building a border wall — but to keep out Californians who gentrify with kale "The U.S. took the land by war in 1848. And you think they're gonna give it back because of a poetry slam? What kind of weed are y’all smoking?" — Kevin Hart One protestor was seen holding a sign that read “Aztlán is not a metaphor!” while wearing a Target Pride Month sombrero and Doc Martens. "The Aztlán government has no police, no army, and no tax code—but three fully staffed wellness centers. Priorities!" — Ricky Gervais Aztlán: Culture, Collage, and Confusion In perhaps the most ironic twist, Aztlán is trying to claim land in the name of cultural heritage… using hashtags, fonts, and political slogans imported from Berkeley sociology professors. "I saw one guy wearing a feather headdress and Yeezys. I guess colonized minds still need drip." — Ali Wong "They call it ‘decolonization,’ but what they’re really doing is gentrifying their own history." — Larry David One activist proposed using the language of the “four directions” and “collective memory” to negotiate directly with the U.S. military. General Milley reportedly responded by Googling “Aztlán” and then eating a sandwich. "They want to reclaim Texas? My man, Texans won’t even give up a parking spot at H-E-B without a fistfight." — Ron White Meanwhile, in the Real World… The Biden administration has yet to respond officially, though one intern did laugh so hard she snorted her kombucha. Homeland Security dismissed the movement as “non-lethal” and “generally dependent on crowdfunding,” while the CIA simply marked the report “Fantasy, Tier 3: Below Lizard People but above Flat Earth.” "You know your revolution’s in trouble when half your citizens RSVP to the coup on Facebook as ‘Maybe’." — Amy Schumer The Mexican government also clarified they have no interest in absorbing the Southwest. President Claudia Sheinbaum released a statement: “We’re flattered, but we already have Veracruz.” "Aztlán is real—if you close your eyes, ignore the Constitution, and believe really, really hard. Like Peter Pan but with land claims." — Groucho Marx Final Audit: Delusion Overdraft In conclusion, the 2025 Aztlán Movement can be best summarized as a well-intentioned, historically poetic, logistically idiotic crusade fueled by spiritual yearning and a total lack of realism. You don’t get land back by protesting in Crocs and quoting TikTok astrologers. You don’t re-establish a nation by manifesting it in Google Docs. And you sure as hell don’t take Texas without learning how to shoot, grill, and say “y’all” with conviction. The Aztlán plan is as likely to succeed as Coachella banning phones. Auf Wiedersehen, spiritual secessionists. You may own the metaphors, but not the mortgage. Bohiney Magazine - Los Angeles Declares Itself the Sovereign Nation of Aztlán ... - SATIRE.info https://bohiney.com/los-angeles-declares-itself-the-sovereign-nation-of-aztlan/