Florida T-Shirt Guy: “The Beaver Can Bite Me”
Florida T-Shirt Guy Declares War on Buc-ee’s: “The Beaver Can Bite Me”
PANHANDLE, FL — In a bold move that legal scholars are calling “legally inadvisable but spiritually Texan,” Florida-based novelty t-shirt maker Buckets has decided to take on Texas megabeaver Buc-ee’s in court — and, more importantly, in attitude.
“I’m not afraid of a beaver in khakis,” declared Buckets CEO and self-proclaimed ‘Lord of Cotton,’ Cletus Prometheus, during a press conference held in the parking lot of a Waffle House. “If they want a lawsuit, I’ll embroider it on a hoodie.”
Buc-ee’s, known for clean bathrooms, aggressive billboard campaigns, and franchising beaver worship, filed a trademark lawsuit against Prometheus for selling shirts that vaguely resemble their merchandise. Buckets' response? A shirt that reads: “Buckets: Come and Get It, Beavertown.”
“Buckets Isn’t a Copycat — It’s a Lifestyle”
“We’re not copying Buc-ee’s,” said Prometheus, sweating through a shirt that read ‘Bite Me, Beaver Daddy’. “We’re satirizing the great American roadtrip, one sweaty cotton blend at a time. Our beaver has a mullet. Buc-ee’s would never dare.”
The offending mascot, Bucko the Beaver, sports wraparound sunglasses, a beer belly, and a vape pen. “He’s more Florida than Texan,” Prometheus explained. “He’s been banned from four SeaWorlds.”
In the complaint, Buc-ee’s alleges that Buckets' designs are “confusingly similar” and “an attempt to trade off the goodwill of the Buc-ee’s brand.” Prometheus countered with what legal analysts are calling the Redneck Doctrine of Artistic Parody.
“We have every right under the First Amendment,” said Buckets’ lawyer, Larry ‘Lawsuit’ Beauchamp, who has previously defended a man who copyrighted the phrase “Tide Pods: Nature’s Ravioli.”
“We Stand for Freedom — and 3XL Mesh Tank Tops”
Prometheus insists Buckets is more than just a low-budget version of Buc-ee’s. “We stand for freedom of expression, freedom of questionable design choices, and the God-given right to wear a shirt that says, 'Nice Rack' with a moose on it.”
He also took the opportunity to unveil his upcoming merchandise line, ‘Freedom Isn’t Free, But This Shirt’s $12.99.’ It features Bucko the Beaver urinating on the concept of intellectual property while chugging a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Legal experts are mixed on the company’s chances. “It’s a Hail Mary made of duct tape and Mountain Dew,” said IP attorney Shelley Halberd. “But in Florida, that plays well.”
Buckets’ GoFundMe page for “Legal Fees and Possibly a Jet Ski” has already raised $486 and one coupon for free gator jerky.
“The Only Thing I’m Stealing Is Your Girl and Maybe a Gas Station Hot Dog”
“This ain’t theft, it’s homage,” Prometheus said, standing in front of a stack of shirts featuring Bucko flashing passersby. “Buc-ee’s sells brisket. We sell chaos.”
Prometheus also announced a multi-platform counteroffensive:
A TikTok series called “Free Bucko”, featuring shirtless truckers defending the honor of parody beavers
A Facebook meme campaign with slogans like “Don’t Tread on Me Unless You Want a 2-for-$20 Deal”
And a children’s book, “The Little Beaver That Flipped the Bird”, already banned in eight school districts.
Public Reaction: “Team Buckets” Is Surprisingly Real
Despite the legal threats, public opinion is split. A poll conducted outside a Shell station found that 42% of respondents support Buckets, 38% are terrified of Bucko, and 20% thought the survey was about hunting season.
Supporters are flocking to #FreeBucko on social media, uploading photos of themselves in clearly infringing shirts and tagging Buc-ee’s with captions like “Sue Me, Daddy.”
Meanwhile, Buc-ee’s has remained stoic and corporate, issuing a statement that read:
“We will protect our brand, our intellectual property, and our reputation for clean restrooms. Also, we’re bigger than Florida.”
Prometheus responded by changing the design of Bucko’s bathroom to a port-a-potty on fire, saying, “Our mascot prefers danger to dignity.”
Final Statement from Buckets HQ:
“We will not be silenced. We will not be sued into submission. And we will not stop printing shirts with beavers doing unspeakable things to trademarks. This is art. This is parody. This is Buckets.”
Prometheus concluded with one last zinger:
“Tell Buc-ee’s we’ll settle — but only if they agree to rename their bathrooms ‘The Bucko Bunkers’ and let us install vending machines that only sell irony.”
Disclaimer: This article is 100% satirical. It was produced through a very serious and scholarly collaboration between a Nobel-nominated Florida Man and a dairy-farming philosophy major.
Bohiney.com -- A wide-aspect satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Toni Bohiney. The scene is a chaotic Florida gas station parking lot during a fictional masc... -- Alan Nafzger
Buc-ee’s Declares Florida “Too Chaotic” for Trademark Peace Talks
In a statement delivered by a beaver-shaped drone and a team of Texas attorneys dressed in branded polos, Buc-ee’s formally declared Florida “too chaotic for productive legal discourse.” The announcement came after three failed mediation attempts were interrupted by an alligator in a thong, a hurricane-themed flash mob, and what one negotiator described as “an aggressive smell of Axe body spray and entitlement.”
“We came here to talk trademarks, not fend off feral parrots and conspiracy theorists selling vape juice,” said Buc-ee’s Senior Counsel Chad R. Tinsley, who later retreated to a Buc-ee’s-branded panic room disguised as a brisket warmer.
The talks, meant to resolve the lawsuit against Florida t-shirt impresario Cletus Prometheus, fell apart after Prometheus live-streamed the proceedings, shouted “Y’all scared of a cartoon beaver with neck tattoos?” and invited his followers to “Free Bucko” by mailing used flip-flops to Buc-ee’s HQ.
Buc-ee’s has since rerouted legal efforts to “a calmer region, like Louisiana during Mardi Gras.”
Prometheus responded by declaring next Tuesday as “Florida Beaver Independence Day,” urging supporters to “bite back” by ordering shirts with slogans like: “Trademark This, Texas!” and “Don’t California My Chaos.”
Buc-ee’s Declares Florida “Too Chaotic” for Trademark Peace Talks
In a formal cease-and-desist announcement that smelled faintly of smoked brisket and condescension, Buc-ee’s has declared the entire state of Florida “legally incompatible with civilized trademark negotiation.” The corporate statement, embossed in gold foil and delivered by a lawyer with a cowboy hat and Bluetooth headset, cited “irreconcilable cultural disorder” and “the inability to hold a Zoom call without a python entering the frame.”
Peace talks collapsed after Buckets CEO Cletus Prometheus invited a 12-piece jug band, several bikini-clad supporters, and a live possum to the mediation room. “This here’s emotional support fauna,” Prometheus explained. “Bucko don’t talk bizness without his boys.”
A Buc-ee’s negotiator reportedly fled mid-session, mumbling, “They tried to baptize me in Monster Energy.”
The tipping point came when Prometheus offered to “trade you the rights to the word ‘beaver’ if you let me name your next urinal cake scent.”
Buc-ee’s legal team has since announced a change in venue to a more stable location—such as Burning Man or the center of a live volcano.
In retaliation, Prometheus plans a “Buckets World Summit” in a Daytona parking lot featuring shirt cannons, interpretive dance, and a dunk tank filled with lukewarm queso.
Buckets T-Shirt Factory Actually Just a Guy’s Garage and a Dream
Contrary to Buc-ee’s claim that Buckets is a “massive threat to our brand,” an investigative tour of Buckets’ headquarters reveals it’s mostly just one Florida man, a heat lamp, and three ferrets wearing mesh hats. The “factory” is a double-car garage behind a failed vape shop that now serves as an informal design think tank and illegal fireworks depot.
Cletus Prometheus, Buckets' CEO-slash-silk-screener, offered a behind-the-scenes tour. “That corner over there is R&D. We tested six different shades of neon puke before settling on ‘Alligator Regret’ as our flagship color.”
The press was shown the screen-printing station, which is just a George Foreman grill covered in Flex Seal. “It ain’t OSHA certified,” Prometheus admitted. “But it feels right.”
Despite the humble operation, the factory produces up to 20 shirts per week—30 if there’s no power outage or raccoon incident. Designs include Bucko mooning the Florida Turnpike and slogans like, “If You Can Read This, I’m Not in Court Today.”
Asked if he felt intimidated by Buc-ee’s billion-dollar branding machine, Prometheus laughed. “Buddy, my marketing budget is three Slim Jims and a Bluetooth speaker. The only thing I steal is hearts. And fonts.”
Bucko’s Legal Defense Fund Surpasses $500 and One Crate of Vape Juice
In a rallying cry for free speech, independent chaos, and regrettable neck tattoos, the grassroots campaign to defend Bucko the Beaver has raised an astonishing $503 and one crate of expired blueberry vape juice. The Bucko Legal Defense Fund, launched on GoFundMe under the title “Save the Naughty Beaver,” has drawn support from fellow mischief-makers, ironic t-shirt fans, and at least one person who thought it was a wildlife conservation effort.
Cletus Prometheus called the fundraiser a “wild success in emotional currency,” later adding that the vape juice “will be bartered for ramen and potentially legal advice.”
The fund’s top donor, a man named Lil’ Probation Dave, contributed $23 and wrote, “I got sued once for drawing eyes on fruit. I stand with Buckets.”
Social media has exploded with support, especially after the campaign released limited-edition shirts reading: “$500 Strong. Buc-ee’s Fears the Crate.”
Prometheus has promised all surplus funds—estimated to be around $37 after legal fees and Mountain Dew—will go toward installing a statue of Bucko in a Jacksonville parking lot. It will allegedly be made of recycled beer cans and denim.
“We don’t need millions,” Prometheus said. “Just freedom, shirts, and the smell of warm vinyl.”
Judge Throws Out Motion Citing “Too Many Beavers, Not Enough Merit”
In a decision that left law clerks snorting into their lattes, Circuit Judge Harmony Gritts tossed out a motion filed by Buc-ee’s attorneys, declaring, “This court is not equipped to handle this many beavers with this little merit.”
The motion accused Buckets of “reckless mascot impersonation,” “malicious punnery,” and “intent to traffic in beaver-based confusion.” Judge Gritts was unconvinced. “If your biggest problem is another beaver in sunglasses, perhaps it’s time to touch grass,” she noted.
Prometheus, representing himself while wearing a clip-on tie and flip-flops, argued that “satirical beaver content is constitutionally protected,” and presented a shirt reading “Free Bucko or Die Tryin’” as Exhibit A.
The court gallery applauded. One juror wept openly.
Legal analysts say this ruling could set precedent for future mascot litigation. “If this holds, Chuck E. Cheese might have to stop chasing that guy in the ‘Charles Q. Rodent’ costume handing out gambling tips at the Greyhound track,” said law professor Junebug Sneed.
Buc-ee’s lawyers have filed for an appeal, citing “irreparable brand damage,” though critics argue they were already emotionally wounded by the slogan “Buckets: Where Beavers Go Bad.”
Prometheus Submits Shirt as Legal Evidence, Gets Applause from Jury
In a legal twist that stunned the gallery and briefly turned a courtroom into an improv set, Cletus Prometheus submitted a t-shirt as legal evidence and was rewarded with spontaneous jury applause.
The shirt, titled “Bucko Rides Again,” depicted the infamous Buckets mascot riding a shopping cart down an interstate offramp, flipping the bird at a billboard featuring Buc-ee’s smiling mascot. The caption? “Trademark This, Ya Fancy Bathroom Beaver.”
Prometheus declared, “This shirt is my soul on cotton. Also available in XXXL.”
Courtroom sketch artists were seen high-fiving each other. The bailiff bought two.
Judge Gritts attempted to gavel the room into order but was reportedly giggling too hard at Bucko’s face, which had been altered to resemble a hungover Tom Petty.
“This isn’t a trial anymore,” whispered one juror, “this is performance litigation.”
The jury has requested an extended deliberation period “to evaluate the fabric quality,” and the courtroom vending machine was restocked with Red Bull and hot glue in anticipation of closing arguments.
Prometheus later teased his next legal exhibit: a pair of pajama pants reading “These Colors Don’t Cease and Desist.”
Florida Governor Declares “Buckets Week,” Cites Parody as State Export
In an executive order hand-written on a Waffle House placemat, Florida Governor Jebediah “Big Wave” Sanders has officially declared next week “Buckets Week”, honoring the noble art of parody and the defiant rise of low-budget merchandise.
“Florida has three things we export,” Sanders stated. “Citrus, chaos, and novelty shirts that should probably come with a warning label.”
The proclamation includes tax breaks for anyone printing shirts out of their garage, a ban on suing anyone whose beaver has sunglasses, and a statewide requirement to say “Bucko bless America” before tailgating.
To celebrate, the Florida Capitol will fly a flag designed by Buckets founder Cletus Prometheus, featuring a beaver holding a lighter and the phrase “Legal Mischief Lives Here.”
Critics accused Sanders of stoking anti-Texan sentiment. Sanders replied, “We’re not anti-Texas. We’re just pro-Florida’s long tradition of glorious nonsense.”
Tourism agencies are already marketing Buckets Week to Spring Breakers, promising discounts on shirts, gator rides, and commemorative tattoos reading “Cease, Desist, Repeat.”
Prometheus is expected to serve as Grand Marshal in the inaugural “Buckets Parade,” featuring a live beaver on a mobility scooter and a float made entirely of Slim Jim wrappers.
Bohiney.com -- Jun 2, 2025, 08 26 46 AM... -- Alan Nafzger
Local Youths Start “Beaver Fight Club” to Settle Brand Loyalty War
In the back alleys of Florida flea markets and vape lounges, a new underground movement is growing: Beaver Fight Club. Formed by teenagers too young to rent cars but too angry to choose between Buc-ee’s and Buckets, these unsanctioned fights involve mascots, fanboys, and highly flammable t-shirts.
At a recent event behind a bowling alley, two teens in duct-taped beaver suits battled with pool noodles while a crowd chanted “BUCK-O! BUCK-EES! BUCK-EES-SUCK-O!” in rhythmic disarray.
The rules are simple:
Must wear a beaver-themed shirt.
No eye-gouging or trademark violations.
Winner gets a free churro and mild internet fame.
Local authorities are baffled. Sheriff Raylene Trout called it “The most Florida thing I’ve seen since the man who tried to marry a manatee in 2012.”
Buc-ee’s has disavowed the movement. Buckets, predictably, has released a new shirt reading “I Fought for Bucko and All I Got Was This Beaten-Up Face and Free Churro.”
Prometheus, when reached for comment, simply said, “I didn’t start it. But I respect it. This is democracy in action. With fur suits.”
The next event is scheduled for Tuesday in the abandoned mall parking lot.
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