European Commission Addresses Israeli-Iranian War in “English”!!!

European Commission Chaos: EU Addresses Israeli-Iranian War in “English,” Forgets No EU Member Speaks It Anymore

No one in the Room Actually Speaks English

“War is not preferable of choices, but sometimes is happening because map is too hot.” -- Ursula von der Leyen

BRUSSELS — In what historians are already calling “the most ambitious pantomime since Eurovision 2007,” the European Commission today held a press conference to address the rapidly escalating Israeli-Iranian conflict — in English. Unfortunately, none of the speakers actually spoke English.

The United Kingdom, having exited the European Union years ago with a note that simply read “Cheers,” took the English language with it. Since then, English has been downgraded to a regional dialect used exclusively by YouTubers explaining how to open Kinder Eggs with tweezers.

What the Illiterate Europeans Are Saying about The Israeli-Iranian War

Opening Remarks: “We Say Many Word Now”

European Commission President Ylva van Thunberg opened the session by declaring, “We are in full solidarity of the current situation with deepness.” A translator, also confused, offered: “We are inside a big emotion.”

The official statement on the Israeli-Iranian conflict included key phrases such as:

“The situation is being of very hot.”

“We make a condemnation in the forward motion.”

“Explosion is not good for the table of region.”

Journalists in attendance tried to piece together meaning using facial expressions, ambient coughing, and the frequency of hand gestures involving flattened palms and the word “peace.”

Multilingual But Not English

With Britain long gone and Ireland too busy exporting indie folk bands, English is no longer one of the EU’s working languages. The new official languages are French, German, Bureaucratic, and Loud Gestures With Eye Contact.

A spokesperson attempted to read from the prepared English-language script, which appeared to be run through Google Translate 14 times, ending with:

“We are full of concernness in the plural emotion. War should be taken back to supermarket.”

The statement was followed by ten seconds of solemn nodding. Then someone accidentally pressed the microphone feedback button, sending the entire panel ducking under the table in fear of “airstrike simulation.”

Laughter, Confusion, and Interpretive Diplomacy

Spanish Commissioner Alfonso de Romantica attempted to offer clarity. “We want to mediate between the misfire and the fireworks,” he said, earnestly. “Europe is the trampoline for peace.”

A Czech delegate added, “Europe is making a strong noise of silence, like the owl during fog.”

Audience Reactions: Subtitled In Real-Time by Confused Interns

Reuters: “We are currently subtitling this press conference using AI that was trained only on IKEA instructions and German poetry.”

Le Monde: “If war depended on comprehension of this statement, peace is guaranteed.”

CNN: “We regret not sending a mime.”

A Bulgarian reporter whispered, “I think they said something about a ceasefire, or maybe cheese fire?”

The Ghost of Brexit

An empty chair was reserved for the United Kingdom delegation, complete with a tiny Union Jack, a teacup, and a laminated copy of The Sun. No one sat in it. Occasionally, wind rustled the flag, which someone described as “a metaphor.”

A passerby from Portugal was overheard saying, “You know, for a continent that invented the Enlightenment, we really flunked phonics.”

Slogans That Definitely Need Work

As the press conference disintegrated into multilingual mumbling and dry throat-clearing, the European Commission proudly revealed its new campaign slogan for diplomatic de-escalation:

“Stop the Boom, Start the Bloom.”

This was printed in Comic Sans and paired with an image of a dove giving a thumbs up.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“It’s like watching a hostage video produced by Duolingo.” — Ricky Gervais
“I haven't seen Europeans this confused since they tried to plug in a toaster in America.” — Trevor Noah
“Their solution to the war was ‘strategic hugging’? That’s either diplomacy or a very weird group therapy session.” — Sarah Silverman
“The EU’s statement is now being studied by NATO linguists. Not for content—just to find out what language it was.” — John Oliver
“They just invented a new tongue: Euro-Gibberish.” — Hasan Minhaj

Comedic Evidence of a Linguistic Collapse

Scientific: A recent study by the International Institute of Tongue Ties found that 82% of EU officials now speak “Committee English,” a dialect in which no verb ever conjugates and every sentence ends with “in the framework of mutual regard.”

Physical Evidence: One Commission member brought a PowerPoint with slides labeled “Diplomacy.jpg,” “Middle East Hurts.png,” and “We Try So Much.gif.”

Relationship Evidence: French and German diplomats reportedly argued backstage about whether “solidarité” and “Zusammenarbeit” meant the same thing. They settled the dispute with a croissant duel.

Testimonial: A Lithuanian interpreter, asked to summarize the event, responded: “They say peace. They mean dinner.”

Trace Evidence: The mic still smells faintly of panic sweat and herbal throat spray.

Cause and Effect: When Language Leaves the Building

As the EU flailed in linguistic purgatory, Iran and Israel issued a joint statement mocking the performance:

“If you want to mediate, first find your tongue. Ours are currently occupied by missiles.”

Meanwhile, EU social media accounts attempted damage control, tweeting in Latin by mistake. “Vox Pacem!” was trending in Luxembourg before being mistaken for a new techno DJ.

Helpful Advice for Next Time

Hire interpreters who speak something other than Latin, Esperanto, or Eurovision English.

Don’t let Commissioner Van Thunberg freestyle statements based on IKEA manuals.

Stop using flags as PowerPoint clickers.

Remember: If you can’t express peace in English, try silence in any language.

Disclaimer

This article was crafted in full collaboration between a sentient philosophy major turned dairy farmer and Europe’s last tenured professor fluent in Esperanto, bureaucratese, and mild condescension. Any resemblance to coherent policy is entirely coincidental.

Auf Wiedersehen!

European Commission Addresses Israeli-Iranian War in “English”!!! (3)

What the Illiterate Europeans Are Saying about The Israeli-Iranian War

1. “War is not preferable of choices, but sometimes is happening because map is too hot.”
— Giuseppe Kartofel, Deputy Commissioner for Cartographic Peacekeeping

2. “We are hoping all missiles to go vacation and be relaxing in neutral space of Switzerland.”
— Brigitte von Flauhaus, EU High Representative for Passive-Aggressive Diplomacy

3. “This is not good for hummus diplomacy. Peace must be on pita now.”
— Mikael Drombladt, Nordic Envoy for Edible Metaphors

4. “We condemn the bombings, unless they were unintentional of friendly direction, then is maybe okay if apologize is full.”
— Jean-Claude Stammeret, Spokesperson for Apologies and Inadvertent Support

5. “European Union is very concern-ed about the escalating of the drama situation with much boom-boom.”
— Isabelle Pompom, Chair of the Committee for Dramatic Foreign Affairs

6. “Iran and Israel must sit to the table and eat the dialogues.”
— Petr Baloney, Deputy Commissioner of Verbal Nutrition and Chair-Based Resolutions

7. “We make shout very loud for cease-fire, but nobody make hear because of explosions and jet noise.”
— Eduard Hissenschmidt, EU Liaison for Acoustics in Conflict Zones

8. “All sides must de-escalator the violentness. Like elevator go down not up.”
— Clotilde von Zooooom, Minister of Vertical Peace Strategy

9. “We do sanctions dance now. Is economic ballet of angry emotion.”
— Sven-Olaf Grundle, Commissioner of Interpretive Trade Measures

10. “Missile is not solution. Missile is like very long finger of blame but explosive.”
— Anaïs Boomberg, Strategic Communications Advisor with Metaphor License

11. “We are commitment-ed to peaceful explosion of understanding, not buildings.”
— Tibor Snootz, Vice Chair of the Bureau of Sincere Intentions

12. “War make no win-win. Only lose-lose and sometimes smelly shoes.”
— Karolina Skwint, Director of the European Odor Analysis Unit

13. “Is hard to have calm when the air is spicy with rocket.”
— Franz Kebaburger, Regional Coordinator for Aroma and Armaments Policy

14. “Diplomatic banana must not slip in conflict soup.”
— Émilie de Rindpeel, Lead Culinary Diplomat and Satirical Metaphorist

15. “We want both country to shake hands, not fists, unless is sports.”
— Václav Honk, Director of Conflict Resolution and Sportsball Relations

16. “This conflict is big soap opera but with real tanks. Much not good.”
— Lisbeth Narr, EU Cultural Attaché to Middle East Daytime Programming

17. “Let’s agree to agree until disagree become cold and nap-worthy.”
— Günther Müsselbaum, Senior Negotiator of Sleep-Based Treaties

18. “Europe stand very uprightly on both legs of neutrality, but lean toward moral frown.”
— Doris von Glare, Chair of the EU Commission for Virtue Signaling and Posture

19. “Violence is like cheese left in sun. Everyone smell it but nobody want.”
— Pablo Fromage, Commissioner of Soft Power and Dairy-Based Diplomacy

20. “In name of humanity and breakfast, we ask to stop making explode each others’ houses.”
— Sofia Croissant, Deputy Secretary for Morning Peace Statements

European Commission Addresses Israeli-Iranian War in “English”!!! (4)

European Commission Addresses Israeli-Iranian War in “English”!!! (1) https://bohiney.com/european-commission-addresses-israeli-iranian-war-in-english/