Americans Flood Job Openings

Meatpacking Panic: Americans Flood Job Openings Liberals Swore They’d Never Want

By Andrew Chapados (not really)
Things That Weren’t Supposed to Happen

In the rolling plains of Nebraska, where the smell of freedom mingles with processed beef, something absolutely horrifying has occurred: Americans showed up for work.

Yes, after ICE conducted a raid on a local meatpacking plant — resulting in the detention of 76 undocumented workers — the unthinkable happened. Local citizens, actual legal residents, began applying for the vacant positions at a rate that left progressive think tanks sobbing into their copies of Howard Zinn’s Greatest Hits.

In just one week, over 200 job applications flooded into the plant — more than the number of arrests. Even more shocking, some of these applicants were sober, over 18, and had never even tweeted "abolish ICE."

"I thought these jobs were beneath us," said Kendall Brockman, a 27-year-old Gender Studies major and part-time crystal alignment coach. "Meat is murder. But also... jobs are justice. Unless they're meat jobs. Which are violence. But also, employment is liberation. So… I’m confused."

So was the DNC.

Breaking News: Working Class Still Exists

Contrary to every wine-spritzed panel on MSNBC, it turns out that not all Americans are unemployed influencers with peanut allergies and podcast sponsors. Some are, in fact, more than willing to earn a paycheck doing something that doesn’t involve cosplay or TikTok voiceovers.

"I’ve worked construction, dishwashing, janitorial, and now I want to try meatpacking," said Tom Ellison, a 45-year-old Nebraskan with actual callouses on his hands — a condition reportedly extinct in California.

"People say Americans won’t do these jobs. I say Americans won’t do these jobs for $4 an hour under the table with no bathroom breaks and a Guatemalan supervisor who thinks OSHA is a pop band."

Tom, like many others, is part of a growing demographic: the American citizen who is tired of being told he’s lazy by people who’ve never changed their own oil.

The Left’s Emotional Infrastructure Collapses

The sudden surge in applicants triggered a wave of confusion, grief, and “rebranding strategy” meetings at the nation’s most elite progressive institutions. Panic swept through NPR, which issued an emergency episode titled “Who Are We If Americans Actually Work?”

In a desperate attempt to salvage the talking point, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez posted a 14-tweet thread declaring that "labor is a spectrum" and "packing meat is a form of trauma expression."

Bernie Sanders offered a more direct explanation: “Sure, Americans are working these jobs, but it’s still capitalism’s fault. Somehow. I will explain in 78 minutes, give me a folding chair and a whiteboard.”

Meanwhile, The New York Times ran a headline the next day:
“Meatpacking Workers: Are They Victims of Capitalism or Tools of Xenophobia?”

Both, obviously. If nuance fails, choose all of the above.

Sanctuary Cities Offer Thoughts, Prayers, and Avocado Toast

San Francisco, still deeply offended by the idea that someone, somewhere might be enforcing immigration law, held a candlelight vigil for the 76 detained workers — and their favorite Whole30 chorizo products.

Mayor London Breed issued a statement: “Nebraska’s actions are a reminder that hate has no home here — just fentanyl, collapsing office towers, and billion-dollar budget holes.”

Local activists vowed to deliver "emotional meat" to the affected plant workers. “We can’t work those jobs, obviously,” said 19-year-old Columbia freshman Avery Patel, “but we can honor their absence through interpretive dance and tweets.”

Experts Blindsided by Reality

Academic experts have long insisted that no Americans are willing to do these “dirty, dangerous” jobs. Unfortunately, none of these experts have ever met anyone who owns work boots.

Dr. Jonathan Stengelwitz of Harvard’s Center for Labor-Free Labor explained, “This isn’t supposed to happen. We published a paper last year called ‘The Myth of the Willing American Worker.’ It was peer-reviewed by a panel of kombucha sommeliers. You can’t just… work.”

But workers did. In fact, once news of job openings broke, lines of applicants stretched past the local Tractor Supply. One applicant even said he quit his gig driving for Uber Eats when he realized meatpacking came with health insurance and didn’t require explaining to drunk millennials why their Thai curry is cold.

Unions Conflicted: Support Workers or the Narrative?

Labor unions, previously committed to fighting for the working man, are now busy fighting for the concept of undocumented wage suppression.

“We’re pro-labor, but also pro-undocumented labor, which is anti-labor, but also compassionate,” said one AFL-CIO spokesperson while juggling a Che Guevara mug and an open spreadsheet of DNC donors.

“Honestly, we just want dues. We don’t care who’s packing the ham.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“They told me no American would ever take those jobs. Turns out the only thing stopping them was a dozen Hondurans and a corrupt HR manager.” — Ron White

“I worked a deli slicer once. If it weren’t for the hairnet, I’d still be bleeding. But hey, at least nobody called me racist for clocking in on time.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“My cousin got one of those jobs. He showed up, cut some meat, went home. Boom. Not a hate crime.” — Dave Chappelle

“Why is it racist to hire Americans? We’re out here, jobless, and people say, ‘You wouldn’t want that work.’ Watch me not want it… in a uniform… with a paycheck.” — Ali Wong

The Rise of the Meatpacking Patriot

Ironically, the very jobs the liberal elite said Americans wouldn’t touch are now drawing patriotic applicants like flies to butcher scraps. Some even showed up wearing American flag bandanas and quoting Reagan, which forced the Huffington Post to update its “Hate Symbols Glossary.”

“It’s a working-class revival,” said Clint McPherson, a local organizer with the group Real Jobs Matter. “We don’t need open borders for cheap labor. We need closed mouths in D.C. and open positions in Nebraska.”

Biden Admin Reacts… Eventually

When asked about the developments, President Biden appeared confused.

“Look, folks… the meat… the meat’s the thing. You know, I’ve been to meat. I love meat. The working man loves meat. Corn Pop worked at a deli. Ice… ICE? The agency or the cubes?”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre clarified: “The President supports labor, all labor, every labor, even metaphorical labor, especially as defined by the NEA. But we condemn meat.”

Final Thoughts: When Narratives Meet Knives

The ICE raid was supposed to trigger outrage, resistance, and maybe a GoFundMe. Instead, it triggered the return of something deeply disturbing to the professional class: the working American.

It turns out the only thing separating “jobs Americans won’t do” from “jobs Americans will do” is illegal competition and media gaslighting. Once you remove the underpaid, undocumented buffer zone, citizens step up — not out of hatred, but out of necessity.

Which begs the question: If Americans are willing to work, and ICE is willing to enforce, what’s left for liberals to defend? Perhaps just the increasingly narrow turf between ideological consistency and economic absurdity.

Disclaimer: This article was a completely human collaboration between a tenured professor with a copy of The Federalist Papers and a dairy farmer who majored in philosophy and believes in three things: cows, the Constitution, and the power of satire. No artificial guilt algorithms were harmed in the making of this article.

Americans Flood Job Openings 

15 Humorous Observations

After ICE removed 76 illegal workers, more than 200 Americans applied for the jobs — proving once and for all that Americans will work if you just stop undercutting them with someone named “Cash-Only Carlos.”

The Democratic Party’s official response to Americans applying for jobs was: “We’re going through a lot right now. Please respect our privacy.”

NPR quickly updated its long-running series “Jobs Americans Won’t Do” to include a footnote: “Unless you actually offer them.”

Progressives claimed the meatpacking jobs were “dehumanizing,” yet somehow they’re still fine with TikTok influencers eating detergent pods for sponsorship deals.

The Left’s reaction to ICE enforcing immigration laws was so dramatic, Greta Thunberg held a press conference in a meat freezer just to calm everyone down.

AOC tweeted, “Work shouldn’t be a prerequisite for survival,” while her staff DoorDashed her a gluten-free steak burrito… wrapped in irony.

College students protested the ICE raid by staging a “die-in” at Chipotle, confusing customers who just thought it was part of the new loyalty program.

New York Times op-ed declared, “This is white supremacy in overalls,” while the Nebraskan applicants were 40% Black, 30% Hispanic, and 100% sick of being unemployed.

The DNC formed a task force to “investigate the emotional trauma inflicted on coastal voters when red states don’t collapse as expected.”

A vegan meat lobbyist described the hiring of American citizens as “a step backward for cruelty-free globalism.”

Unions found themselves in an existential crisis: support American labor or keep importing workers who don’t ask for dental plans or lunch breaks.

San Francisco held a vigil for the deported workers, complete with soy candles and a eulogy performed by a local drag poet named “Non-Binary Tenderloin.”

CNN labeled the raid “a humanitarian catastrophe,” while quietly running an ad for LinkedIn on the sidebar: Meatpacking jobs now hiring!

Several activists blamed capitalism, meat, ICE, and atmospheric pressure before finally settling on white supremacy as the cause of everything from immigration raids to freezer burn.

A Harvard professor claimed the Nebraskans taking jobs was “performative patriotism,” moments before boarding his plane to a $15,000 speaking gig titled "Why You’re Wrong and I’m Brilliant.”

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12 Comedian Lines

“Turns out Americans will do the jobs — just not when someone’s cousin from El Salvador is doing it for $5 and a bag of Cheetos.” — Ron White

“They say Americans are lazy. We’re not lazy. We’re just not dumb enough to work 12-hour shifts with no benefits while a guy named Raul clocks in under six aliases.” — Dave Chappelle

“If I knew meatpacking came with dental, I’d have stopped doing stand-up and started grinding pork in a helmet.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“They said we wouldn’t do those jobs. We wouldn’t. Until ICE gave us the opportunity by relocating the entire Guatemalan second shift.” — Bill Burr

“The job listing said: 'Must be legal, must show up, must not sue.' So yeah, we sent in 200 Americans and one lawyer disguised as a lunch lady.” — Sarah Silverman

“I asked a liberal friend, ‘Why are you mad that Americans got hired?’ She said, ‘Because that’s not how the narrative goes.’ I said, ‘Well, this ain’t Netflix.’” — Kevin Hart

“The Left says it’s racist to expect immigrants to follow the law. I say it’s racist to assume the only people who can pack meat don’t speak English.” — Ricky Gervais

“My cousin applied to the plant. Showed up with steel-toe boots and a GED. They said, ‘Whoa! This one’s legal and qualified? Must be a trap.’” — Amy Schumer

“I saw a protest sign that read, ‘Meat is Murder, ICE is Terrorism, Work is Trauma.’ I’m like... who wrote this? A squirrel on Adderall?” — Larry David

“I support immigration — the legal kind. You know, the kind that involves paperwork, not a coyote and a flashlight.” — Jeff Foxworthy

“Imagine being so woke that the idea of Americans having jobs makes you physically ill. That’s not politics — that’s gluten intolerance for the Constitution.” — Ali Wong

“Meatpacking jobs are hard. But not as hard as explaining to your socialist roommate why people actually want to earn money.” — Trevor Noah

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