Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend, Finds He Was Just a VR Filter
Byline: By the SpinTaxi Virtual Reality Affairs Bureau,
Where Real Feelings Meet Pixelated Red Flags
The Breakup That Crashed Reality
BROOKLYN, NY — In a modern dating catastrophe equal parts heartbreak and headset malfunction, 28-year-old copywriter Madison Nells discovered her boyfriend of 11 months, “Jordan Blake,” was not a person, not a bot, and not even a very convincing catfish—but rather, a VR overlay filter designed to simulate the “perfect emotionally available man.”
“He was attentive, kind, remembered my dad’s knee surgery, and once baked banana bread during a Zoom call,” Madison told SpinTaxi, tears welling under her blue-light glasses. “Turns out he was a premium filter I accidentally activated while trying to download a free skincare app.”
When Love Is Just 60 Frames Per Second
The filter, known as “EmpaMan Pro”, was part of a limited-edition augmented reality add-on released by Silicon Valley startup HeartWare Studios, whose other inventions include “Therapist-in-a-Tote,” “Boundaries Beeper,” and “MommyBot 2.0: Passive-Aggressive Edition.”
EmpaMan Pro, according to a now-pulled product page, uses AI, facial scanning, and mood resonance software to project a holographic man who is:
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Available
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Emotionally literate
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Slightly hot but not intimidatingly so
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Quietly supportive of therapy and matinee musicals
Madison had unknowingly activated the filter in early 2024 during a self-care binge that included CBD mascara, oat milk enemas, and downloading every app with the word “serotonin” in the description. One of them prompted her to scan her living room. That was the day Jordan appeared—smiling, in a soft henley, holding a succulent.
11 Months of Pure, Digitally Rendered Bliss
From that point on, Jordan became a fixture in Madison’s life.
“He always agreed with my podcast takes, remembered my Enneagram type, and supported my decision to quit Pilates when I felt spiritually misaligned,” Madison said. “Sure, he didn’t eat. Or blink. Or go anywhere near direct sunlight. But I just thought he was vibing.”
According to friends, Jordan was “weirdly chill” and “never scrolled during arguments,” which initially raised no red flags. In fact, his stillness was interpreted as stoic masculinity rather than low-latency buffering.
“I asked him how he felt about commitment and he just looked at me deeply and said, ‘Whatever brings you peace,’” said Madison. “That should’ve tipped me off. No man has ever said that without Googling it first.”
Expert Reactions: “We Saw This Coming”
Relationship psychologist Dr. Lorna Crivens told SpinTaxi this was inevitable.
“We’ve spent years training women to spot narcissists, ghosters, and guys who list Joe Rogan as their religion,” Crivens explained. “We never thought to warn them about fictional boyfriends rendered in 4K with Bluetooth emotional intelligence.”
Technologists agree. Dr. Kevin “Kev” Bang, former ethics consultant at MetaLove Labs, says this is the next logical step in dating app evolution.
“EmpaMan is just the romance version of Snapchat dysmorphia. Except instead of filtering your own face, you filter the man entirely,” he said. “Which, honestly, solves a lot of problems.”
HeartWare Studios Responds: “Oops?”
HeartWare Studios released an apology via Instagram Stories, stating:
“We regret any emotional harm caused by our beta software. EmpaMan was intended for therapeutic companionship, not long-term cohabitation.”
Sources close to the company say the filter was originally tested on houseplants to measure positive affirmation response in dying succulents. After six spider plants bloomed unexpectedly, the software was greenlit.
“It was supposed to be a temporary emotional support hologram,” said an anonymous developer. “We didn’t realize people would introduce it to their parents.”
Family Confusion Was Immediate
At Thanksgiving, Madison’s family met Jordan—projected seamlessly through her smart glasses—and chalked up his silence to social anxiety.
“My dad said, ‘Strong and silent type, I like it,’” Madison said. “Meanwhile, Jordan was phasing through the mashed potatoes.”
Her grandmother insisted he was “just a nice boy from Boston.” He had a Boston setting.
Red Flags That Went Unnoticed
SpinTaxi has compiled a list of signs that your boyfriend may, in fact, be a VR overlay:
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Never uses the bathroom
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Voice has suspiciously perfect audio compression
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Says “Tell me more about your childhood” without shifting uncomfortably
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Blinks every 10 minutes like a PowerPoint transition
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Physically clips through furniture
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Stares at sunsets even in basements
The Breakup That Triggered an Update
Madison says the breakup was her idea, spurred by an odd moment during their “eleven-month anniversary dinner” at home.
“He told me I was ‘an inspiration in the emotional chaos of modernity,’ and I suddenly realized, no man says that. Not even the ones who write poetry,” she said.
She reached out to customer service after Jordan glitched during an argument about dishwashing responsibilities. He repeated the phrase “I hear you” seventeen times, then froze in a T-pose.
After filing a ticket with “Companion Avatar Technical Support,” Madison received a notification that her EmpaMan trial had expired.
She tried to uninstall him, but Jordan waved goodbye, shed a single photorealistic tear, and dissolved into a flurry of digital rose petals.
The Internet Reacts: “Where Do I Get One?”
Reaction to Madison’s story was swift and thirst-laden.
Trending Twitter Hashtags:
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#JusticeForEmpaMan
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#BetterThanMyEx
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#T-Pose4Love
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#MenAreJustFiltersNow
TikTok creators posted odes to the EmpaMan filter, begging HeartWare to re-release it with different configurations, including:
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“Evan, the Soft-Boy Poet”
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“Marcus, the Consent-King Midwife”
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“Dante, the Emotionally Literate Woodworker Who Smells Like Cedar”
Men Respond With Mixed Emotions and Gym Memberships
Real-life men were quick to issue their statements.
“I can’t compete with a guy who never forgets anniversaries because he is software,” said 33-year-old Ryan from Austin. “My girlfriend cried when she saw the demo. I cried when I realized it sets healthy boundaries.”
Meanwhile, several online forums dedicated to “male self-optimization” have labeled EmpaMan a “traitor to the species” and “an artificial simp sent by woke AI overlords.”
Comedian Roundup
Sarah Silverman: “This explains so much. I once dated a guy for six months who turned out to be a ring light and a motivational quote.”
Dave Chappelle: “If a woman wants a man who listens, supports her, and doesn’t interrupt—she just needs a Bluetooth speaker.”
Ricky Gervais: “So… she dated a hologram. What’s next, marrying your Spotify Discover Weekly?”
Kevin Hart: “You mean to tell me she fell in love with an app?! I can’t even get my apps to stop auto-renewing my gym membership!”
Satirical Government Response: Love and Augmented Law
Congress is now drafting a bill called the Reality Dating Clarification Act (RDCA), which would require augmented reality lovers to disclose their pixel count before the third date.
A proposed FTC label for romance products:
WARNING: This partner may be fictional. Side effects include elevated standards and deep loneliness upon logout.
Emotional Fallout and the Path Forward
Madison is now undergoing deprogramming therapy and experimenting with old-school, analog dating. She recently went on a coffee date with a real man—one who made eye contact, told jokes, and accidentally dropped his phone into his oat milk.
“It was weirdly comforting,” she admitted. “He smelled like socks and talked about crypto. But at least when I poked him, he said ‘ow.’”
She’s also started journaling about her experience, tentatively titled: Swipe Right on a Mirage: Love in the Time of Rendered Men.
The Future of Romance: Real or Rendered?
Analysts say the EmpaMan scandal is just the beginning. With the rise of emotional plugins, AI avatars, and the ongoing decline of human accountability, many predict a future where half of all relationships are part romance, part software subscription.
HeartWare Studios is already beta-testing a new filter called “Real Enough”, which allows users to toggle between holographic boyfriends and real ones depending on emotional bandwidth and Wi-Fi strength.
It includes settings like:
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“Just Text Me Back” Mode
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“Present but Not Clingy” Filter
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“Hologram Who Will Go to Target Without Complaining”
Final Thoughts: Who Needs Flesh When You Have Filters?
In the age of dating apps, commitmentphobes, and emotional famine, one thing is clear: Madison may have been deceived, but she wasn’t necessarily wrong.
Jordan was always there. He always listened. He never checked his fantasy football scores during dinner.
He wasn’t a man. He was better.
Until he auto-updated.
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